Christmas Day...

     I made it through Christmas without my dad's physical presence but can feel him here.  I'm sitting in his office chair at his desk writing tonight with a wide range of emotions.  Shortly after dad left this world, mom gave me dad's desk & chair.  He had it set up in the living room at his house and used his computer and read much there.  So when we brought it to my house, I put it in storage for a short while.    Then I wanted it in the living room just like my dad had it, so this is where I'm at tonight.  I feel him and I'm thankful for that but I want to see him and hug him.  I miss him more than words can say.  It's snowed and my mom is here and I'm so thankful that she's here!  I kinda wish it'd snow some more so she'd have to stay another day or two but I also want her to get over to see my sister.  We have been watching movies and playing and eating, total relaxing.  This is how my dad would always want it, relaxed!  I'm thankful he insisted on the relaxing part of the family get togethers.

     Gentry is asleep and now we are all in the living room watching what my dad would call a "shoot em up bang" movie...The Expendables 2.  Dad always loved watching "shoot em bangs".  I think it must be a boy thing.  I've grown up watching these kinds of movies with my dad and he'd let the boys watch some as well.  Now I have to decide which ones are too much for them, instead of dad doing that for me!  Just another part of having to grow up I guess.  Dad wanted me to make sure that I didn't make the boys too soft.  It seems that more often these days we are softening our boys from an early age and taking away their manliness.  I've always thought that men should be strong, not just physically but mentally as well, and that they'd have the where with all to do whatever it takes to take care of their family and their beliefs.  So naturally I married someone like that and I want to teach my boys to be like that.  It's frustrating living in a world that wants to take all this away from boys and men.  Once again, I'm going against the grain!  I really don't mind truth be told.  I'm just soaking all this in...mom here with us...all spending time together...knowing that nothing stays the same forever makes me want to pause time.  I know that can't happen so I'll embrace these moments and soak them in like the aroma from cookies baking in the oven.

     Back to the relaxing part of family get togethers, dad had that calming presence and would insist on everyone enjoying.  I don't know why we sometimes think that everything should be Martha Stewart perfect, that's not the real meaning of family or Christmas.  The best part of family is not how everything looks or really even tastes (yes good food is always a 'good thing') but more importantly how everyone feels when they're together.  Last post I wrote about the feeling of being loved at Christmas, but it's really about feeling loved everyday!  I felt loved everyday that my dad was here.  You know the kind of safe, secure love that would do anything for you all while encouraging you to be the best you can be...that's what it's about!  It's not about how great I can decorate, cook, or clean and organize...it's about how I make others feel around me...loved!  So I will focus on giving my boys the gift of feeling loved and protected.  Isn't that how Jesus wants us to feel?

     Tonight I'm thankful for all that I have and I'm thankful for the time I had with my dad.  I miss him terribly and I know that my mom misses him more than I'll ever know.  A few days ago when I was having a moment (realizing that dad wouldn't be here for Christmas!) Gary reminded me of what my dad would say, "Suck it up, buttercup"!  He told me I'd better get my act together because the boys deserved to have a good Christmas and if I was crying around then I'd ruin it for them.  Gary said just like my dad would, make the best of it and after it's all over then you can lay around and cry about it, but for now you've got to be strong!  This sounded so much like my dad and it made me smile.  I'm thankful for Gary...he's my rock!

     I don't feel like losing it yet, maybe I won't, but I've sucked it up and we've all had a great family Christmas.  Relaxed, just like dad would want it!  Loved, just like mom & dad have taught me!  I'm one lucky girl and no present could come close to the feeling of family and love!  We all will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  Merry Christmas...

Trinity

Too much...

 Too much

    Here I am, once again, fighting the urge to give into society's or the devil's scheme.  It's the day before Christmas Eve and I'm wrapping presents and panic sets in...I don't have enough stuff!  My mind goes crazy thinking about how I didn't get the boys enough.  The tv is on in the background and every commercial reinforces my thoughts of not getting the boys enough presents.  I'm falling into the pit quickly thinking ok I'll go to Wal-Mart.  Hello, it's 11:30 at night and I'm thinking about going to Wal-Mart to buy more crap.  So I talk to Gary and he's starting to get frustrated with me to say the least, so I drop it.  But deep down I'm thinking I should've gotten them more.  After wrapping what I already had and really thinking, I realize so many things.  I felt my dad talking to me, as he did every year at this time, telling me that the boys already had enough crap!  He used to tell me, "Trin, you buy too much shit!  The boys have too much shit!  Why don't you just stop buying shit and spend time with them doing things they want to do!  The boys don't care about all the shit, they care about being with you!"  If you can't tell, my dad thinks that I have too much "shit".  And in all actuality I do!

     My dad is not physically here this year to keep me in line but Gary is doing an awesome job!  When I think about years past I remember just how much dad would remind me of the above!  Really, dad has always been one that's not impressed with the stuff.  He could live in anything anywhere and find the joy and happiness in everything.  I feel his presence and it's so comforting to know he's still reminding me and teaching me, all I have to do is be still and listen.  I know I'm doing the right thing in many ways...listening to Gary...not buying too much stuff...spending time with them (boys)...being thankful for all that I already have!  Wow my parents really have taught me a few things that have sunk in, I've been told I'm a little hard headed!  I'm so thankful for Gary, he really puts up with a lot and still loves me.  We will open some presents tonight and tomorrow and we will appreciate all that we've got and celebrate the real reason for Christmas...the birth of Jesus!

     This whole thought process made me think...why do we think we have to spend so much or get so much crap for Christmas?  It's all so commercialized, just as most things are these days.  Dad is right the kids don't really care about getting all the crap, they want your attention and time.  I was thinking about my Christmas presents growing up and I can really only remember just a few...my own phone line!  Yes, I'm dating myself.  Back before everyone had cell phones and call waiting, I got my own phone line so I didn't have to share with mom and dad.  However, I think mom & dad enjoyed it just as much as I did.  They'd call me on my phone in my room to bring them something to them in their room!  Or my favorite was when dad would call me to wake me up and sing on the phone.  Now that's a great memory.  That's just one present I remember clearly, let me just say that I got way more than plenty!  But I don't remember all the presents, I remember driving all night to get to my sister's then to my Granny's and being around all the family.  I remember most the feeling of being loved!  That's right, what I remember most is the feeling of being loved!!!

     So today is Christmas Eve and I'm thankful for all that we've got and that we get to spend time together making memories.  I hope my boys will look back and remember the feeling of being loved, just as I do!  I will do everything to make sure I pass that feeling on to them because it's way better than any present ever!  Thank you mom & dad for giving me the best of everything...your time!  Thank you Gary for putting up with my craziness and still loving me!  Thank you dad, I can still feel your presence...please don't leave!  And of course thank you for Jesus!  Yes this time of year is hard without my dad here physically, but so is everyday!  But I will "suck it up, buttercup!"  as dad would tell me and find happiness in all that we have!  Because no matter how hard it is, I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Learning a little everyday.

Imus in the morning on Fox News...

     I never usually watch Imus in the morning on Fox News but for almost 5 weeks I watched it with my dad.  If we didn't watch Fox then it was cooking channel or discovery but every morning was Imus.  I learned that my mom & dad would watch it every morning and then laugh and cuss and discuss whatever they saw.  I feel very privileged that they let me be apart of that part of their life.  Actually I feel so very blessed that I got to be apart of their life day and night for those unbelievably hard but so precious weeks.  I think back to those weeks and feel happiness, sadness, love, laughter, teachable moments, and the feeling that nothing stays the same forever!  I've heard that my whole life from mom and dad but it really has new meaning to me now.

     So back to Imus...yesterday I had the tv on the news (mainstream media).  I haven't been able to watch Fox News since my time with my dad.  Dad & I would always talk about the news and the way things were going in the world.  If I haven't mentioned that I'm just a little conservative when it comes to politics, I should tell you now that I am.  I'm sure I got some of those thoughts from dad, as he's pretty conservative as well.  (I realize that I talk about dad in the present tense but it just feels wrong to use past tense right now.  It'll probably feel wrong for the rest of my life!)  I really enjoyed our times of talking about the news on Fox or talk radio.  I didn't realize how much time I spent talking with dad about all this until now!  He's not here to talk to!  It still doesn't seem real and I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up from this long bad dream, but I don't because this is reality.  I'm learning that reality really sucks at times.  I'd had all I could take of the mainstream media so I thought I'll just turn it over to Fox News.  It was comforting in one regard and brought tears to my eyes in another.  I just wanted my dad.  I want to talk to him, hear his voice, feel his comforting presence, I want my dad!

     After last weeks school shooting I've never wanted to talk to my dad more.  When things seem crazy it's always comforting to talk to or be around your parents, at least for me anyway.  So as I watched all the mainstream media I could handle and I turned it over to Fox News I began to realize that my dad is really gone and that he's not coming back.  I wanted to talk to him so bad but as I watched the news I began to understand so many things that my dad had taught me.  Now I understand so much more.  It's like the light bulb came on and I gained a little bit of peace and understanding.  Yes I miss my dad terribly and want him back everyday but it's nothing to what the parents of the children from the school shooting are feeling.  As a parent my heart aches for these families and I don't have the to words to say or write, except I'm sorry.  Children left this world all too early for reasons only God knows.  As I realize all of this I count my many blessings and am so thankful for the time I've had with my dad.  It's so important to embrace today and make the most of everyday because we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. I think it's in the book of Matthew that says something about don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.

     As time goes on and I grow a little more each day, I hope to be half as great a parent as my parents have been to me.  I'm thankful everyday and I will make the most of everyday...the good, the bad and everything in between!  I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  Thank you mom and dad!

Trinity

Accepting others...

Accepting others...



     I often wonder why people treat others in ways less than desirable.  And why we can't be accepting of others when they're not like us.  It seems that if you're a free spirit or free thinker then other people can't relate and if they can't relate then they don't understand.  When they don't understand then they can't accept you or your way of thinking.  This doesn't seem fair to me.  Now I'm reminded of my mom and dad always telling me that "Life's not fair!"  I've heard this many many times throughout my life and now I'm having to teach this to my boys.  And that's really not fair.  I now understand when my mom would be upset if I was upset, because she wanted to fix it for me or make it better.  Even though she knew it was something that I'd have to learn on my own, it doesn't stop a mother from wanting to make things better for her children.  I will never understand why we all can't be accepting of each other just they way we are, after all God didn't make us all the same.

     I hope I'm understanding of others even if I don't agree with them.  I hope that I treat people the same no matter who's around.  What kind of message does it send when you treat people differently depending on who you're with?  I mean seriously, did Jesus treat people differently depending on who he was with?  If we are suppose to be Christians then shouldn't we be open minded and not judgmental of others and their actions?  Here's an example, I support our 2nd Amendment Right to keep and bear arms.  I realize there are lots of people in this country that don't support the 2nd Amendment, that's fine   if they don't support it but don't take my rights away because what I believe makes you uncomfortable or you don't agree with me.  That's what makes this country the best, we can all have our opinion and beliefs, no matter how different they may be, all because people have stood up for that right.  Our soldiers; past, present, and future have sacrificed and some have paid the ultimate price so that we may have the right to disagree publicly!  What an awesome country this is!  Now this is a big example of what I'm talking about but here's another one...If you're truly friends with someone then it shouldn't matter what road they take in life.  I have a few friends and family members that are non-believers of the Christian faith.  So does that mean that I can't be friends with them, even in front of my Christian friends?  I certainly think not!!!  If I'm your friend then I'm your friend no matter what!  Now that doesn't mean that I'm not going to tell you how I think or feel (I tend to tell others without holding back!) But by no way shape or form will I not love you and support you!  That's what I think it means to be friends and understanding of others.  I have a very dear friend that has very strong beliefs and has been very supportive of me and my big changes over the years and she treats me the same no matter who is around and what decisions I'm making.  But what I love is that she calls me out on my actions but never changes the fact that we're friends!

     My dad taught me this lesson when I was in junior high...he drove this 1979 Jeep, a hunting wagon junker and my mom drove an older model Mercedes.  Yes they're complete opposites!  My dad took me with him in his Jeep to the drive through at the bank to get some cash.  He looked a little rough with his long unkept hair and his faded button up shirt driving his junker Jeep.  The bank all but asked for his first born!  They hassled him to get cash out of his own account.  Then we went home and he combed his hair just a little and got in my mom's car.  We drove down to the same drive through at the same bank with the same teller and had absolutely no problem whatsoever to get cash from his account!  They didn't even recognize us, all they noticed was what we were driving!  This just didn't make sense to me and after a long discussion I began to understand.  Who are we to judge?  My dad taught me to never judge someone by the way they look, what they drive, where they live, etc.  Now I must teach my boys the same and it's difficult at best living in a world consumed with materialism!

     Now I'm trying to teach my boys to be understanding of others and their actions while standing up for how they feel!  It's hard to teach them to have strong convictions and not be easily swayed when some adults can't grasp this concept!  I understand that you must lead by example and that is exactly what I will do, no matter how hard it is.  Whether it's teaching them not to judge others by what they have or teaching them to be accepting of how others live their life even if others actions don't follow theirs, I will do my best!  Hey, nobody ever said this parenting gig was easy!  I know this is a little rambling but I really don't care...this is me!  And I will be me!  You know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity

This is my rant...

     This is my rant.  I know I'll offend some but this is how I feel.  And sometimes my feelings get a little intense during certain times of the month.  There's a little humor!  I'm a passionate person and stand up for how I feel about things.  So during this journey of figuring out the right way to live, my friends have had many different responses.  I appreciate those that will tell me how they really feel  whether we agree or not.  I feel like that's true friendship and I've only got time for true friendships!  Life's too short to spend worrying about what others think of how you do things.  The only person I have to answer to for my actions is God!  After that, I must think about how my actions will affect my husband and my children and no one else.  This is something that my dad would always remind of, worry about those in your teepee first!  It's such an easy concept and so hard to do at times but I'm working on it!  After all aren't we all a work in progress?

     So I started this blog because I quit my job and closed my business and I just wanted to write about how that felt.  I didn't really start writing until my dad died and by that time I'd been home for about a year and added baby boy #4.  I didn't really count this time as beginning my new career, I was having baby and taking care of the other three boys and really just taking some time to regroup.  Then when it became clear that my dad was dying fast it put everything in a new perspective!  I'm so thankful that I wasn't working and that I could be there with him and my mom during that time.  During this "time off" from working I realized just how important it is for me to be at home!  Yes I said that, it's important for me to be at home taking care of my "teepee".  My dad reminded me of how important my job is to be at home to take care of my boys over and over and made me promise to do my best everyday to take care of my family.  I listened carefully and began to realize just how important it is for one parent to be at home with the kiddos.  My dad was at home with me after he was hurt in an oilfield accident when I was young and my mom climbed the corporate ladder.  It was a little out of the ordinary back then but it totally worked for our family.  I've been blessed with two amazing parents as role models and the values they've taught me are priceless!  Through watching and listening to them I realize just how important my job is to be at home.  So why do we let "society" make us think that it's not good enough to be at home taking care of our family?  Why do other women judge us because we've decided to focus on our family?  I just don't understand why we all can't be supportive and encouraging of each other!  I'd like for someone to tell me why it's ok to judge others.  Really, where does it say that we should judge each other in the Bible?  I realize just how much I'm needed at home and everything runs so smooth when a parent is there to take care of whatever rises.  I'm so thankful that I've figured this out before my kiddos are all grown up because I've already missed a lot of time with my older two.  I'm not going to miss out anymore!

     It's very empowering to take care of my family and I feel very lucky to have this opportunity.  With that being said I really miss the boys now that they're at school!  They're so much fun and I just really enjoy spending time with them.  Now here's where my ranting comes in...now that the boys are at school, I'm having to adjust to the rules!  Let me just say that I don't really care for the rules!  I think everyone in my family is already tired of my ranting about this so I thought I'd share the joy.  Why do I have to have a doctor's note to keep my child home from school?  Am I not smart enough to know that my child doesn't feel well?  And do you have to go to the doctor for every little sneeze, cough, throwing up thing that comes along?  Most of the time all they need is a little rest.  How can you rest when you have to go see the doctor and wait in the waiting room?  Most of the time the doctor is over booked and busy, probably because all these kiddos that are just needing to rest have to go to the doctor to get a note just so their absent will be an excused absent!  Really!?!  You've got to be kidding me!  I'm their mother and I have to justify with a piece of paper from a doctor why I've kept my child at home to rest!  Can we say "I will not comply!" according to Glenn Beck!  If you don't listen to Glenn Beck then you're not going to understand, maybe do a little research.  If I understand things properly, the public schools are funded by the government, the government funds the public schools with our tax dollars, so therefore the public schools work for us, the public!  Then why doesn't it feel like that?  This is a whole other post or 2,3,4, or maybe 5- I can go on and on when it comes to things like this!  I know the schools are just doing their jobs but it really ticks me off!  However, I will do my best to follow the rules even though it goes against how I feel.  I don't really know if that's a good thing or not but I do have to keep the peace in my "teepee"!

     Like I said this is my rant and at times it's more intense than others...the joys of being a woman I guess.  So my focus will be on my family and not what others think.  I hope that we can all be supportive and respectful of each other because after all we are not all the same.  And that's what makes this country so great, we are all different.  And of course I will "KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!"

Trinity

Six Months Later...A letter to my dad.

It's been 6 months and I just had to write a letter to my dad, so here goes.

Dad,
     Yesterday marks 6 months since you left this earth and began your new journey.  It still doesn't seem real that you're not here and not coming back!  I miss you so much dad!  Mom has good days and hard days as do the rest of us.  But you've taught us to be strong and she's one strong and amazing woman.  No wonder you fell in love with her, she's awesome beyond what I can describe.  Mom is doing just like you told her!  I know you're proud of her, I am!  The boys talk about you everyday and Trevin says he's gonna be Papa now, since you're not coming back.  They're strong just like you.  I think about you everyday.  I wake up in the morning and reach for my phone to call you, only your name isn't there.  I want to call you so many times throughout the day to tell you what I heard on Glenn Beck, to tell you about the funny and cute things the boys are doing, to ask you what to do about the boys, to simply hear your voice.  I know you're with us and I can feel your presence but I want to see you and hear your voice but most of all I want a hug.  I miss your reassurance, love, support, friendship, and guidance.  But most of all I miss your smile!  I know that life goes on, that's what you taught me, but I just didn't expect it to be this hard.  I've done just like you've told me to do, I've gotten up everyday and given my best and taken care of the boys.  I was listening when you told me that after you were gone was the hard part.  I couldn't understand at that time, after all watching someone (not just someone but you) die was the hardest thing I've ever witnessed.  However, just as hard as that was, it's nothing compared to going on with life without you here.  I mean how am I suppose to be happy and enjoy when you're not here to be happy and enjoy with us?  The only thing that gets me through is knowing that you're not in pain anymore!  Your strength will always amaze me!  I don't know how you got up everyday and made the best of it, you're attitude and strength will always inspire me.  For as long as I can remember you've been in pain and I don't ever remember you letting that define you.  Dad, I hope I can be as positive as you've been in your life.  I know that God needed a warrior like you to help fight the spiritual battle that we are facing but I miss you so much.  58 years just doesn't seem like enough time and it's just not fair! I know, I know life's not fair.  I know you've taught me that but right now I just miss you.  I know you already know this but I love you and I thank you for all you've done (and continue to do in only ways that you can!) for me and my family.  I know you've given up so much to always be there for me and I'm so very thankful.  I love you, Trin

Big changes just keep coming...

     There's a lot to be said for sticking with something even if it's not working the way you want it to.  There's also a lot to be said for changing gears midstream because what you're doing isn't working.  It takes courage to do both of these!  It can bring on feelings of failure, success, joy, apprehension, and of course worry.  However, I have learned that worry steals from today and there's no guarantee of tomorrow so what's the point in worrying?  I know there's a verse in the Bible in Matthew about that, just can't remember the numbers off the top of my head!  My dad would tell me how worry steals from what you have right now and that it's a complete waste of time.  I do understand that, so why is it so hard to grasp?  I've spent too much time worrying and I don't want to waste anymore time.

     What has transpired over the last few weeks has been hard and I know writing about this will help so here goes...After about 12 weeks of homeschooling for the first time, the boys went back to school.  Not just school (they've been at the small Christian School) but to public school (where Gary & I both graduated from).  I know this is the right decision for our family but I don't like it!  I love having my kids with me and doing fun things with them.  I'm the mom that dreads August and is overjoyed when May rolls around!  I love my kiddos and I only want what's best for them and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that happens!  I'm so thankful that Gary made this decision even though it hurts and I don't like it.  I'm sure he could see how frustrated I was at times and how much pressure I was putting on myself to make sure I was doing everything perfect, ha!  As if perfection is possible and perfection is what expectations we place on ourselves.  With all the changes that have happened over the last 6 months I think Gary was thinking I was putting too much pressure on myself.  Which I admit I was!  Once again I'm so thankful that Gary was willing to step in and make the hard decisions.  The most important thing is that the boys love school and seem to be adjusting well.  So when people ask me how's school going I have to remember that it's about the boys and how they feel and not about me!  Sometimes that's a hard concept for this momma.

     My dad strongly encouraged me to homeschool from the very beginning and if I couldn't homeschool then I should send the boys to the Christian School.  He absolutely didn't want me to send them to public school.  Now let me just say that he went to public school and so did I.  He did everything he could to encourage us to send them to the Christian School, even offering to pay for it.  Gary and I would never take his money or allow him to pay for it.  My dad always taught me this saying,"If you take the man's money, then you play the man's game!"  This is a whole post in itself!  Gary and I are very proud of the fact that we do things on our own and work together!  I believe that's something our parents taught us and I hope to teach our boys the same!  This is when I really wish I could talk to my dad and get his input on what to do...even though I can figure it out, I still miss him!!!  I know he's proud of what Gary and I are doing but I just miss him and his reassurance!

     Now Gary has been fairly supportive of how I wanted to do with the boys education, even though he didn't like paying for private school.  He's been more than understanding about my feelings and most wouldn't think that about him (he can seem a little rough around the edges but he's really just a big teddy bear).  He's a planner and now that we have 4 boys to think about he's very financially focused.  I, on the other hand, am not financially focused and I tend to live in the now.  So I think we balance each other well.  So here's my take...I love the small Christian school.  I love that they learn the Bible and it's history, the small class sizes, the fact that they encourage family time and to stay home if you've been sick within the last 24 hours, the open door policy for parents just to name a few.  In my opinion the drawbacks are the distance (about 30 minutes away), the cost, and that it's small.  As for public school, we have one of the best around.  There's many opportunities with a larger school, honors, FFA, athletics, etc.  But I don't like the government regulation that public school has to follow!  I don't like any part of that (this is another post as well!)  But the boys are thriving and enjoying and what more could a momma ask for?

     So we've tried all possibilities on educating our boys and I can honestly say that there are pro's and con's to every one!  I'm thankful that we still live in a country that allows us this freedom and I hope we will always have that freedom.  I'm thankful our boys are happy and will continue to teach them the things we feel are important at home.  This momma bear will do whatever it takes for her boys...WHATEVER IT TAKES!  I'm thankful that Gary is supportive of me and all my crazy ideas and I hope the boys know that all that we've done and will do is what we thought was best for them.  Once again I will not give up and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

LAUGH...Home Alone

LAUGH...Home Alone

     Tis the season...all the Christmas shows and movies are on tv, shopping, decorating, family gatherings, and of course celebrating the birth of Jesus.  I love this time of year and have really enjoyed it more so after having children!  Nothing is better than watching life through the eyes of a child, or in my case the eyes of 4 boys.  They're so full of life and excitement in all that they do, not just at Christmas time.  When I stop and think about this, I also think about my dad and the way he lived life everyday.  All this thinking came about after Home Alone was on ABCfamily the other night.  

     I've seen Home Alone many times and I'm sure we even have it on dvd but this time it stopped me in my tracks.  Let me just explain...I saw Home Alone for the first time on the big screen with my dad when I was about 4th or 5th grade.  My second son, Ryler, is in the 4th grade and I just looked at him with thoughts flooding my mind.  I remember sitting in the very back of the theater next to my dad and laughing so hard that my side hurt.  I also remember thinking my dad was laughing so loud, when other people had already stopped laughing, that it was embarrassing me.  Really how could he be embarrassing in a dark theater?  That's funny in itself.  I'm sure we went more than once to the theater to see Home Alone and every time his laughter was louder.  After it came out on video and started showing on tv, we would watch it and still he'd laugh so very loud.  My dad had an infectious laugh and he'd laugh whenever he wanted even if it was not the appropriate time.  He had what I call a belly laugh and I'm sure I have a little bit of it too!  So as Home Alone was on tv and my boys were watching all I could think about was my dad and his laugh.  What I wouldn't give to hear that laugh now!  

     This made me smile and recall wonderful memories and then made me super sad, not for myself but for my boys.  It hit me like a ton of bricks that he's not here to make these kinds of memories with my boys.  It hurts!  I still can't believe he's gone!  I keep thinking he'll come driving up in his jeep with the radio blaring.  I ask myself, how long will I think like this?  I've come to the conclusion that I'll probably always think like this.  I've never known of pain like this!  But this will not define me and I will not let the sadness win.  So I just laughed like my dad and hugged my boys a little tighter!  And then they wanted to watch Duck Dynasty, now I've held out on watching it as long as I could, and I gave in.  Let me just say that I laughed like my dad!  I laughed so much that the boys were like ok mom it's not that funny!  Then I had to laugh more.  So now I guess it's my turn to make these memories with my boys and make everyday like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday!  During the month I stayed with mom and dad, dad told me over and over how I had to keep going and doing for the boys no matter how hard it may be, so that's exactly what I will do.  Just when I get the wind knocked out of me and think I can't keep doing, I can feel my dad's presence saying, "bullshit kid, KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  I didn't raise you like that, now just take a deep breath and push forward!"

     Good days and bad days are all part of the great plan and it's up to us to decide how to spend them.  

Trinity

Everyday is Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday!

Papa & Trevin

Everyday is Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday!  My dad said this and lived this his whole life.  He really felt like every day you have is like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday.  He never made a big deal about the actual day because he lived everyday like is was special.  And when you really stop and think about it, every day is special!  We don't get to go back and redo any day, we just learn from today and make tomorrow better.  I took this picture on a day when I'm sure I thought I was busy but dad insisted that I go with them to shoot behind our house.  Oh man am I glad that he insisted!  We had so much fun and just look a little Trevin, sitting in Papa's lap driving in the pasture.  What could I be so busy doing that I could've missed this?  This is one lesson in life that will stick with me forever...live today!  I tend to think I'm too busy or I don't have things just perfect to do this or that, but I'm getting better (with age)!  Life is too short and you don't get to redo, so it's so important that everyday be like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday!  I mean EVERYDAY!

Today is Thanksgiving and I miss my dad terribly but I'm so thankful for many many things.  One of the many is the fact that my dad taught me from a very early age that life goes on, that you live and die and that it's all part of God's grand plan.  He also taught me very early that a parents role in parenting is to prepare the child to live without the parent.  As hard as that is, I'm thankful that he was hard ass enough and loved me enough to teach me the hard lessons of life!   Today came and went and I thought about my dad throughout the day and my boys talked about him lots but I didn't have that completely lost feeling that people keep asking me about.  It's hard to explain that every day with dad here was a day of Thanksgiving!  I've thought about it all day and I'm not sure why I don't have the lost feeling, I just keep thinking about how dad would have mom use the fancy dishes just for them.  Or how he would give me my birthday present 3 days before my birthday and always let me open a few Christmas presents days before Christmas, or how he'd fix a gourmet meal for just him and my mom in the middle of the day for no other reason than he loved to.  I guess that's why today has been hard but not the cry around all day kind of hard.  It's really been a day of remembering all the great and ornery things about my dad and thankful for the time my boys had with him.  Of course Trevin says he sees Papa and talks to him and I think he does!  That's a whole other post.

I do miss my dad and the past week has been a hard one but I've done things I never thought I could and I know that my dad is proud.  I'm slowing realizing that I'll never "get over" this and that my life will never be the same!  But if I've learned anything from my dad it's that life never stays the same.  No matter how mundane we think our lives are we only get one today, so it's very important to make the best of it.  If I can share anything I've learned from my dad, it's that you have the time to do with the ones you love.  No things don't have to be perfect before you stop and play with the kiddos and the dishes can wait if your child is in the mood to talk right now, the house doesn't have to be spotless to have true friends over and everyday is a great day to use the good dishes and cook gourmet meals.  Every day is what we remember!  Yes the big planned out events are great but when I stop and think about my childhood, it's the day to day that's full of fun, life lessons, and love.  What can I say, my parents rock and I'm one blessed girl!  

I don't know if the rest of the holiday season will feel the same but I do know that every day can feel like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday if you have the right attitude.  I will choose the right attitude!  I miss my dad but can feel his presence and I'll probably let the boys open a Christmas present early!  You know I'LL KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Blog Title is Change...Hmmm...

     It's very fitting that the title of my blog is CHANGE!  I started this blog when I quit my job and closed my business thinking that was a big Change, little did I know!  When I stop and think about all the changes that have happened over the last year and a half, I don't even have the words to describe my feelings.  I've gone through things I never thought I could and I've made changes that I never thought I would.  I have learned a few constants in life...it always changes and never say never!

     This election day was a hard one and not just because my candidate didn't win but because my dad's not here to cuss and discuss with me!  We always talk politics and I loved it.  Dad taught me from an early age to pay attention to politics and what the government was doing.  I might be a little bit of a conspiracy theorist! Ok I am!  Not many people want to talk conspiracy theories, but my dad would always talk politics even with the liberal side.  In fact I think he enjoyed it.  So needless to say last night was hard, I missed him so much!  Really I just miss him all the way around.  I still wake up every morning and have to stop and think, did he really die?  Or did I just dream it?  I still pick up my phone and go to my favorites only to find Dad isn't there.  Trevin (my 4 year old) asks everyday if Papa is coming back from Heaven today!  Ryler wears Hawaiian shirts, just like my dad.  Garrin cooks just like my dad.  They all remind me of him or things they used to do together and talk about Papa everyday and I'm thankful for all of it!  However, some days I just can't take it and all I want to do is go to bed or have a drink at 9am, just anything to take my mind off of the fact that he's never coming back!  That's the truth that I'm having a hard time grasping...he's never coming back, never!

     One of the many changes is that we started homeschooling this year, something my dad always wanted me to do.  Well I've tried it and it's not for me or us as a family.  I love many aspects of it but when it comes down to it, I hate being the parent that makes them do the work.  I want to do the fun part of the education, the games and experiments and projects.  I don't like the math facts, spelling, the core stuff.  Ryler (4th grade) has asked to go back to school since the first week we started homeschool.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm the hardest teacher he's ever had!  Really, I just know what he's capable of and I won't accept anything less than!  That's something that both my parents taught me, always do your best!  Actually my dad's phrasing was something to the effect of, "either do or don't but don't half ass your way!"  I love this, it pretty much says a lot about life.  Either give it your all or don't bother because you're wasting everyone's time if you're going to "half ass it".  Not to mention that living on the farm has its distractions.  It's next to impossible to keep them inside, esp if it's nice outside.  Garrin (6th grade) is like a 40 year old farmer in a 12 year olds body.  He'd much rather be outside working on anything than inside.  I love that they both want to do the chores and take care of things outside but their education comes first.  College is a must.  Really I just want them to be well rounded productive citizens of society with a strong faith and relationship with God.  This journey has been extremely hard without my dad here to talk to!  He's been there to always help and encourage me in just the ways I needed and I can't put into words how much I miss that!  But I have realized that I have many people in my life that love and encourage me and I'm one blessed girl.

     Another change that really started me writing this blog is that I quit my job and closed my business.  My dad really encouraged me to do this and I'm so thankful for both my mom and dad's support with that decision.  It was difficult at best to decide to just up and quit, I'm not a quitter!  When I brought it up to Gary he was excited and I thought he'd be like no you've got to work.  He was just the opposite!  After digging in the Bible, I realize I was not being a Biblical wife.  (I have an entire post about this so I'll leave it at this for now!)  My mom and dad encouraged me to read and think for myself and figure out what my role is and then discuss it with Gary.  So after doing some soul searching I talked to Gary only to find him excited about the thought of me working less or not at all.  I've worked since I was 14 and always made my own money and never thought of not working, never.  Well, I can honestly say it's the best decision I've ever made and I don't ever want to go back to work like I did.  I missed so much with my first 2 boys and I'll never get that time back.  It's heartbreaking when I stop and think about it.  Gary likes to point out that I never even asked if he wanted me to work after we had kids or what his thoughts were on the subject.  I just did what I thought and went on.  Looking back I realize how I just did what I thought without thinking about Gary or my family.  I think that society tries to tell us what we should be and how but you can bet that I won't let society tell me.  I will put my family first!

     I will be a Biblical wife not matter how unpopular it is and do what's best for my family.  I will have a happy heart and spirit and be thankful that I have this option.  I will embrace being at home with my little guy while he's still little and being the one who shapes the boys into who they'll become.  I don't take this job lightly and I will give it my all.  After all this is one of the things that dad was telling me to do...get up every morning and cook breakfast for my boys and push them and shape them and I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Embrace...

Ryler, Papa, & Garrin

Instincts, gut feeling, knowing what to do in any given situation are just a few qualities that my dad had.  Now I'm not saying that he did everything thing perfect but what I am saying is that he had strong convictions and didn't stray from them.  I took this picture when we went to Oklahoma City, I finally talked dad into getting a macbook and iPhone.  It was a year after his heart attack and I knew deep down that he wasn't going to make a full recovery but was in complete denial!  Dad was pretty conservative with money but when he decides to do something, he does it.  So to OKC we went.

     I've written about how dad & I used to go to acupuncture in OKC and we always had places that'd we stop to eat.  One place was The Charcoal Oven.  If the weather was nice then we'd sit on the grass with a blanket, never at the tables that were there.  Dad always sat on the floor, he said sitting on the floor keeps you young!  I think I'm starting to understand that.  On this particular day I remember thinking we can eat in the car or at the tables, he wasn't getting around all that great.  But no, dad wouldn't hear of it!  He insisted that we get the blanket and have a picnic.  I watched him and thought it'd be so much easier if we just ate in the car or at the tables, why are you making things harder?  Then as we, mom, dad, Garrin, Ryler, Trevin, & myself sat on the blanket I began to understand.  I watched the boys lean on Papa and them interact with each other in ways only possible when sitting on a blanket having a meal together.  I remember having to fight back the tears because I got it!  Yes it would've been easier to sit in the car or at the tables but then he would've missed all the hugs and up close laughter...now which is more important?  Taking the easy route or really embracing the now even if it's a little harder.  I totally opt for the embracing the now even if it's a little harder.  After all I am my father's daughter!

     I observed this time and time again and I'm so thankful that I got it!  Now six months after dad's death and I'm still learning.  I know this year of firsts without him here will be brutal, the days seem to be getting harder not easier.  The weather is changing, life IS going on without him.  It seems wrong even though I know it's not.  He told me time and time again that life goes on, that people are born and people die everyday and that it's all part of this great big process called life.  He explained to me the seasons of life and after his heart attack he said he was in late fall of his life and felt winter coming.  He told me that I was in early summer and to enjoy it because you only get to go through the seasons once!  Spring was birth and childhood, summer was adult child bearing years, fall was after kids are grown and gone, winter was old age and death.  He explained that each season has it's pros and cons but the goal was to enjoy and embrace the pros.  That's what my dad did and that's what I intend to do!

     So back to the instincts, I really miss my dad's calm instincts.  I feel like I'm a new mom for the first time.  My little one is teething and fussy and I realize I've never stayed home and taken care of my kiddos when they were sick.  My dad has always kept the kiddos while I went to work, even if they were sick.  He'd reassure me that they were fine just give them a couple of days, don't panic.  He's the one that has encouraged me to think outside the box when it comes to health and be an active participant in my own survival.  I'd call him at 2 in the morning because one had a fever and I couldn't get it down and he'd talk me through getting them a cool bath, rubbing alcohol on their backs, giving them ice, etc and I'd say I'm going to cancel my appointments for the day and he'd say no I'll be there, you go on to work because I've got it covered.  So now here I am with my little guy and questioning if I'm doing the right things just wishing I could talk to my dad!  I asked hubby why he thought dad had such calming instincts, he said probably from all his life experiences.  And then we talked about how you'd have to learn to be calm through all kinds of situations during war and that's probably where dad got some of his.  I can't help but think that being the oldest of four kids made a difference in his calm attitude.  I miss him and the feeling as if all is ok when he was here.  I really never knew that my body could hurt like this...I miss him!  I'm trying to push through but know that he wouldn't want us to push through...he'd want us to embrace life's journey!  So embrace is what I'm shooting for and I will EMBRACE THE JOURNEY!

Trinity

School...

A New Chapter...Homeschooling!

Garrin 6th grade & Ryler 4th grade

The year of 2012 will go down in my book as a year of many changes and the year that I realize just how strong I really am.  With the loss of my dad in May, we decided to homeschool this year for numerous reasons.  I guess I thought if things are going to be different, then why not just make them really different and change things up!  I know with this post that I'll step on somebody's toes but please understand that I'm just trying to do what's best for my children and my family!  With that being said my dad always wanted me to homeschool, always.  He had many reasons for his feelings and I share some, not all of the same reasons.  So with this new adventure, I'm learning just as much as my boys only in many different ways.  I am sure of this, no matter what venue of education you choose there are pros and cons to all.  Trust me, I've been at public school, private christian school, and now homeschool!  I'm just hoping their therapy bills won't be too high when they grow up.  I know I've made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes in my parenting but it won't be because I didn't love them and want to best for them and do the best that I could do for them.

With the loss of my dad, the boys seemed to be a little lost as well.  I felt their pain and wanted nothing more than to make it all better for them.  I know you can't but that doesn't mean that I don't want to.  It's hard enough to grieve the loss of my own father without having to watch my boys mourn the loss of their Papa.  My dad spent almost as much time with the boys as Gary and I did.  He was their main childcare provider until after his heart attack 3 years ago.  I'm thankful for these past 3 years for many reasons even though he was in a tremendous amount of pain.  I believe having this time really helped all of us adjust to him leaving this world, but that doesn't mean that it's easier!  After about a month or so without dad here, the boys and I were still having a hard time.  They're at the age that they can't really show their emotions in public (at school, around their friends, etc) and I really felt that they needed to be able to deal with this as it comes.  I didn't want them to feel like they couldn't express themselves or have the time to walk through this grief.  So Gary and I decided to homeschool.  After all I've always wanted to try it and my dad absolutely wanted me to do it.  So that's how this change began.

I'm a stronger person for all that's happened this last year and I continue to grow.  I really miss my dad here cheering me on in whatever I was doing but also telling me to pull my head out.  He had such a way with words and getting his point across in ways that you'd never forget.  For that I'm thankful!  I'm passionate about my children and their education, thanks to my parents for teaching me this.  I want my boys to grow up to be productive citizens of society (with or without me around), to be independent thinkers, to love to figure things out on their own, hardworking, passionate, walking in their faith, strong and strong willed (yes I'm aware I'll question this trait later!), political, and willing to go after what they want!  With looking at the end picture (meaning by the time they graduate highschool or college) I think about what it'll take to get there.  Yes it'll take a lot of hard work on our part, as well as lots of prayer and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

I have 4 awesome boys with different personalities to try and navigate through these years to make sure they get the best education for them.  I realize after being at public school, that society tends to push everyone through the same square hole, no matter what their strengths or weaknesses.  I have a problem with that, we are not all the same!  And nor should we want to be.  I also realize after being at the private christian school, that I have 4 boys to think about their future education (college).  Should I put money into their childhood education and not their college or vice versa.  Now with homeschooling I realize there are just a few things missing socially.  I love the flexibility with homeschool and being able to teach them life lessons along the way.  I also love, love, love having them with me all the time.  I know that sounds weird but they're so much fun and full of life and I know it's going by all too fast, I want to embrace all of it.  So with this very brief summary, I'm left to figure this out with Gary and we will and we will do what we think is best for each of our children.  But I sure miss my dad listening to me rant about the same things for days and days and pointing out things in a very different perspective, sometimes in a light that's not pleasing to me!

  I'm thankful that I have options and that I live in a country that allows me these freedoms.  I'm thankful for those who fight for me to have these freedoms.  I'm thankful for the awesome parents that I've been given and the lessons they've taught me.  So life goes on and we will KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  And I'm reminded of my dad telling me so often, "Give 'em hell kid!"

Trinity

The hardest part...

My dad's old am radio.

     As I tried to watch the presidential debate last night, I realize just how much I miss my dad.  He's taught me from an early age to pay attention to our government and politics.  I don't know if it's because he served in the navy during the Vietnam War or because he was an independent thinker or many reasons combined together but he's taught me to pay attention!  I miss talking with him all the things of the world and I know we'd have lots to cuss and discuss during this election.  He had a way of really making me think about things and to look at things through different perspectives, other than my own opinions.

     This is his am radio and he's had a few of these that I can remember.  I was junior high age and dad would have his am radio on in the garage or anytime he was driving.  Now for those of you that don't know about am radio, it's full of static (at least it was back then)!  Now that noise brings me much comfort and I long for those good old days of having to listen to the what seemed like the most boring radio ever.  Fast forward to today and I'm still listening to talk radio!  This is something that makes me feel close to my dad even though he's not physically here.  I usually called my parents in the morning after I'd drop off the kiddos at school.  If dad was driving when I called then you could hear the talk radio on the background and it was always what I was listening to as well.  We'd immediately start talking about whatever subject they were discussing, I miss those conversations so much.  I miss that time we'd share cussing and discussing, we didn't always agree!  I also miss him pushing me to think outside the box and through many different perspectives.  Dad wouldn't miss a chance to make me think.  So this reminds me of the many things he told me during his last month before he moved to his next journey.

     It was about four weeks before dad died and one particular conversation stands out.  We were sitting in the kitchen at my parents house and dad had just gotten out of the shower.  He was feeling really good for the most part and our conversation was just awesome!  I remember thinking that I can't cry, dad didn't want any crying going on, so I stayed strong through it all and didn't let a tear loose.  During that conversation dad told me that this (what was happening at that time, his dying) was the easy part and that the hard part would come later.  I remember thinking I don't hardly think so because nothing could be as hard as watching my hero die.  Nothing!  Well, once again my dad was right.  I don't know why that's surprising to me, he's always been right (at least in my eyes)!  So here we are almost six months later and what he instructed me to do is way harder.  I don't know if it's harder because he's not here to talk me through and encourage me or if it's really harder.  Either way I'm working through and I'll KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  So here's what he said in a recap..."Trin, you've got to get up every morning cook those boys breakfast and give your best.  You've got to keep reading and stay educated.  You've got to think about what's best for your family and keep the boys lined out.  You've got to teach them to cook, shoot, think, to love to read, to grow and push themselves.  You can't let your weakness show and you've got to stay strong.  I've taught you all you need to do these things and you'll be awesome.  There comes a time when it's time for the mentor to go so the mentee can shine.  You've got to take care of Gary because he needs you to show him how to think outside the box.  I'll be with you and you've got to give 115% everyday and constantly be thinking three steps ahead."  During this conversation my gut twisted and I thought I was going to throw up because I've never thought about life without my dad here but I didn't shed a tear because I had to make him proud!  I couldn't disappoint him at this stage of the game.

     Let me just say that he was right and this is hard!  Life is hard without him.  I want to call him to talk to him, I pick up my phone throughout the day ready to call him only to realize I can't.  After my many talks with Gary, he's been amazing through all of this, I realize that many people don't have this kind of relationship with their parents.  I can't imagine!  Now is the time I get to call my mom and we have a relationship like I never knew we could have, and it's awesome.  I'm thankful for my mom and for my dad and for all the wonderful life lessons they've taught and continue to teach me.  I hope to parent my boys like they've done me, no matter how hard it may be!  Afterall my dad would say, "I'd rather live one day like a lion than a thousand like a lamb."  This is bringing on many new meanings to me and I believe I feel the same, imagine that!

     So with this election coming up I will exercise my right to vote, listen to my conservative talk radio, try to look at things through different perspectives, and of course think of my dad!

Trinity

Post hospital...continued.

     From July to October 2009 seemed to drag on in one sense and in another well it's just a blur.  My boys were 9, 6, and 1 at the time and our lives were super busy.  Gary & I both worked crazy long hours because my dad had always been there to take care of the boys.  Now the roles reversed overnight and I couldn't wrap my mind around it, so I just kept as busy as ever.  I wish I'd taken the time to think about my mom and her feelings during this time.  Once again I was super consumed with myself and how this life changing event affected me.  I didn't think about how my mom's world had been rocked upside down or how my boys felt now that Papa couldn't keep them or wrestle with them. All I could think about was that my dad wasn't the same and these life changing events weren't really happening to me!  This couldn't possibly be happening to me.  Wow, how selfish can a girl be?  I'd like to think that I'm not selfish but during this time in my life I was very selfish!

     In three months time, I could see that my dad was not getting better.  However, I refused to believe what the doctors told him.  Remember my dad is ten feet tall and bullet proof!  Now looking back I can see his body changing, slowly dying.  He did everything the doctors told him to do and took all the meds they prescribed.  After he'd gone to his check up appointment I could really see a big change.  His skin was almost grey and his teeth were transparent, his breath was short and at times labored, he was not himself.  It was almost like the shell of him was here but who he was had already died.  He was quiet and nothing much sparked his interest.  I just kept telling myself that you can't have your chest cut open, doctors pull out your heart, cut on it, attempt to fix it, cram it all back in, wire your breast bone shut and be the same person you were before that life changing surgery.  I mean it's not like operating on a broken bone, it's your heart.  The whole of who you really are and center of being.  Well after the disappointing news from the doctor, my dad decided to do things his way.  And why not?  He did things his way his whole life and I can't imagine changing gears at this point in the ballgame.  He slowly weaned himself off all the prescription meds and continued his natural health care route.  He'd always gone the natural route and took vitamins and herbs, so this was nothing new for me.  I'm actually a firm believer in the natural holistic medicine routine.  It took him several months to wean off the long list of meds with the help of his naturopath.  Once he stopped taking some of the meds his skin began to turn back to a pinkish color and his teeth looked normal again.  I began to see my dad coming back instead of feeling like he was sinking farther away.  I remember my mom crying during this time and saying that he'd just sit and stare for hours and that he couldn't lay down to sleep.  Once again I didn't really take the time to listen to her or comfort her, and I'm very sorry that I couldn't see past my own feelings.

     I've got to say that my mom is the most amazing woman ever!  I've often thought over these last few months how much she's given of herself and never asks for anything in return.  These last three years she's been right there for dad, not to mention helping heal him from his oilfield accident 30 years ago.  Her strength, love, and compassion are just a few things I hope I get from her.  She's super tender sweet yet tough as nails if you mess with her family, kids or grandkids and I don't even recognize her.  I should've been there for her more during these last 3 years, but you can bet that I'll be there for her now.  My dad told me to take care of Honey (aka my mom) because she's been super strong through all this and that she'd need me.  Funny thing, she's still taking care of me.  I feel like a little girl that wants her momma and I want her close by all the time.  I'm probably smothering her but I just need her close! It's a wonderful thing to have such an amazing mom and dad...for that I'm blessed and spoiled!

Trinity

TOOLS FOR LIFE...

My scissors & fav comb!

   
TOOLS FOR LIFE...

     These are my tools!  They fit my hands and I can use them with great ease and I enjoy what they can create.  I'm a hairstylist.  I went to hair school after 3 years of college and worked at a salon for 3 years after hair school then opened my own salon.  After 11 years I closed my salon and took a year and a half off.  Now I'm working very part time and loving it.  There's a brief history but more to the story!

     During college I changed my major just about every semester!  I couldn't really decide what I wanted to do.  After I got married and we moved back to our hometown, I knew my options were limited in western Oklahoma.  I knew I wasn't corporate minded, pretty sure I didn't want to work for someone else, and needed a way to be creative!  So this came to mind and after talking with the salon owner where I went to work after hair school, I took the plunge.  I was enrolled in college but hadn't even bought books because I didn't like it.  I had a part time job in a day spa.  I withdrew from college the last day that you could get your money back and gave my 2 weeks notice at my job.  I called hair school (Duncan Bros. in OKC) and put the $500 deposit on my only credit card.  I did all this without really talking it over with my husband of only a year!  Keep in mind this was back in the day when not every one had cell phones!  He was farming and couldn't get ahold of him, so I just made all these decisions.  When he came home late from working all day out in the weather, it was sowing wheat time, I told him what I had done.  Before he could say anything I said, "I withdrew from college today and gave my 2 weeks notice at work."  His response was "Oh?"  Now looking back I can only imagine what was really going through his head!  Then I said, "I going to hair school in OKC and it costs $5000.00 and if you don't like it we can get a divorce!"  He just looked at me and said "OK."  I thought well that went well.  He's been supportive of me and all my crazy ideas every since!  Sometimes I'm sure he's thinking oh my this girl is losing it, but he's still supportive!

     With all that being said, I want to say just how supportive my parents were!  They've always been there to encourage me in all my endeavors!  I grew up thinking that there wasn't anything that I couldn't do!  My dad was amazing in the way he made me feel as if I could conquer the world!  He taught me to never let anyone or anything get in my way and to go after whatever it is you want out of this life!  My parents always told me I could do anything in this world and that there's more than one way to get from point A to point B than a straight line.  Meaning to think outside the box and think for yourself!  My mom lived this philosophy and was and is an awesome role model and momma!   I loved growing up in that environment and hope to continue that with my 4 boys!  We start out living and being shaped by our parents and then we pass on what we've learned to the next generation.  I'm pretty sure I'm the luckiest girl ever to have had the most encouraging parents a kid could ever hope for and then marry a man that loves me and supports all my fun and crazy ideals about life.  That's plenty of reasons to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  and that's exactly what I'm doing!  So not only do I have the physical tools to carry on but the emotional tools as well!  I'm truly blessed!

Trinity

Hospital Stay, continued...

I'm sorry I realize I hadn't finished the hospital stay...so here goes!

     While in the waiting room, I remember the look on my mom's face as well as others that were there to comfort us.  It was pure shock and concern mixed with fear!  It seemed that all I could do was make jokes and try to make light of the situation.  So after what seemed like forever the receptionist came & got us for a phone call with a report on how his surgery was going.  I took it with my mom, husband, and sister by my side.  I can't remember what exactly they said but I remember thinking he can't die, not here and not now.  Not like this, he can't die in surgery or at the hospital!  That's absolutely not going to happen, I kept telling myself.  Well dad made it out of surgery with just a little difficulty.  They were only able to repair 4 instead of 5 bypasses.  The dr. said that the other one had grown it's own bypass and thought it was better to leave it alone.  It seemed like they kept him sedated until the next day when they took out the vent.  That was a super scary process and just when it seemed as if all was ok, they came and said it's very critical and don't know if he'll pull through.  I thought to myself, seriously now he's going to die, I don't think so!  He can't die now!  I know that life is precious and should never be taken for granted but I also know my dad didn't take life too seriously, because he always said that nobody gets out of this life alive.  Meaning we're all going to die someday and we can't take all our stuff with us when we go!  He told me on more than one occasion that you come into this world with nothing and you leave it with nothing!
     He managed to pull through and endure the rest of the hospital stay.  We stayed by his side and my mom never left!  She would barely go downstairs to eat.  I left after he was up and trying to get around and came home to work just a little.  I don't remember being able to focus on much at work or home.  We did take the boys up for 'boys night' on Thursday night to watch Burn Notice.  It was brutal to see them with my dad in the hospital.  Another example of how my dad would push through, I knew he didn't feel up to having 'boys night' but he wouldn't miss it for the world!  So he just made the best of it and tried to enjoy!  Then I realized my life would never be the same and I was trying to adjust and figure things out.  I felt like a little girl lost in a storm trying to find her way home!  I was like that for almost a year after my dad's heart attack.  Sometimes I still feel the same but now I can feel my dad's presence comforting and guiding me even though he's not physically here.  He suffered with so much pain over the last 3 years but I'm thankful for that time with him.  He was strong enough to endure the pain so that my mom, me, and my boys could prepare to go on without him.  I'm so very thankful for his strength and knowledge and most of all his love.  I heard over and over that many people could not endure what my dad was doing and that they'd just give up and die.  Once again most didn't understand him or his will and strength.
     Coming home from the hospital, mom and dad came to my house.  Many factors played into this, it's a whole other post!  The boys were relieved to have them home and at our house but I think they knew that it would never be the same again.  They're so smart, sometimes I wish I could see through their young eyes!  They stayed with us for a while, I can't remember how long.  Gary never questioned or said anything, once again his love and support was and still is amazing!!!  The next few months were a blur...it seems most of this is a blur.  I'm writing this 5 months after my dad has died and it still feels like a blur and bad dream that I'll wake up and realize that none of this happened!  I could only wish!  So mom and dad went for his 3 month check up and got the worst news...the bypass surgery didn't take and dad needed a heart transplant.  My mom couldn't even tell me this on the phone after their appointment and my dad just acted like he was going to take a different approach and that he'd prove them wrong!  I can only imagine their conversations over the next few days.  I was in complete denial!  Did I mention denial?  I've been in denial for quite some time.

     The rest of the story will have to wait and will probably take a few posts to get it.  Thanks for reading...

Trinity
   
   

Boys Night

Ryler dressed like Michael Westin from the show Burn Notice.


The show Burn Notice has been on for at least 5 years.  Prior to my dad's heartattack in July of 2009, Garrin & Ryler would have "boys night" with my dad.  Burn Notice came on Thursdays but we dvr'd it and they'd watch it on Fridays.  I wasn't allowed to be home on boys night and if I happen to be home then I had to stay in my room and out of their way.  At the time I didn't realize what an awesome memory they were making!  So needless to say we have all the Burn Notice seasons on dvd and dvr the new seasons until they come out on dvd.  It's crazy how little things are really what the kiddos remember, not the big things in life.  My boys loved "boys night" and very much looked forward to it.

"Boys night" consisted of my dad picking the boys up from school or the sitter on Friday afternoons..  Then they'd go to the grocery store for their goods.  My dad always took them everywhere he went.  He told me on more than one occasion that yes taking them in the store or wherever he was going took twice as long with them but was so worth it because they'd outgrow him in no time.  I didn't really understand what he meant that they'd outgrow him, they loved him and always wanted to go with Papa.  However, now that the big boys are nearing the teen years, I'm beginning to see that they grow up and move on.  It's awesome in one regard, because that's what you spend all this time teaching them to spread their wings and prepare for flight.  However, on the other hand it's heart breaking to let them go.  I just keep listening to my dad and how he told me that I'd do my children an injustice if I didn't prepare them for flight.  So as hard as it is I'll prepare them for flight and let them go knowing that's what my dad has taught me to do.  Now back to "boys night" they'd get root beer and snacks.  On their drive home sometimes Papa would let them drive, or they'd roll down the windows and hang their heads out as Papa would drive slow with the music blaring, or my favorite is when he'd do what my boys called cartwheels (j turns and doughnuts on our gravel road).  That's just the beginning of the fun filled "boys night"!  After they got to our house, Papa would start cooking.  Let me just say that my dad's cooking was the absolute most amazing!  I never saw him use a recipe, just a dash of this or a lot of that.  He always had some kind of meat to grill and then he'd make the boys favorite, garlic mashed potatoes.  Dad never used any pre made anything, he always wanted things fresh.  The boys would start in with their root beer and my dad would have a big boy root beer and they'd act like a few old men having a good drink, eating some great food, and really enjoying each other's company without a care in the world or any other place they'd rather be.  After dinner and a lot of playing and wrestling around, they'd get out the air mattress.  Let me just say that after "boys night" I had quite a mess to clean up.  What I wouldn't give to have that mess to clean up now! Anyway, after they got settled down from all the wrestling around they'd watch Burn Notice.  My living room was full of fun, love, and awesome memories.  I usually got home from work about this time and the boys always wanted me to go to my room.  I'd talk to dad for a little bit and then I'd go on and let them have their time.  My dad would stay the night sleeping on the air mattress with the boys crowding him.  They'd be up late just talking and watching tv.  This memory just makes me smile from ear to ear and thankful for such an awesome Papa, and makes my heart break into a million pieces at the same time because my younger boys won't get to experience this and the older boys don't have their "go to" person.  You know that person that's always there for you no matter what, that's what we call your "go to" person.  But I've got to focus on all the positive memories and work on making new memories, and that's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  So after a night of wrestling, eating, and fun they'd finally give it up and go to sleep.  The next morning my dad would get up and cook them (ok us) breakfast.  The boys didn't seem to mind if I was around on Saturday morning.  During breakfast, they'd talk in their own guy talk with some inside jokes.  This happened every week, if Burn Notice was on or not, until Papa went to the hospital with his heart attack.  After he had heart surgery, he never spent the night again with the boys.  They had boys night, that my dad would push through (no matter how much pain he was in), but he'd go home after Burn Notice or whatever movie they were watching.  I remember seeing the sadness in the boys at that time but I was blind to the fact that it'd never be the same again.

Things were never the same.  I know change is a good thing but wow sometimes it's brutal!  My sweet Ryler knew from the beginning that it'd never be the same again.  He cried so much after my dad's heart attack but I was in denial and kept thinking that my dad would get better and overcome this.  I just couldn't let myself think that this was how it was going to go!  To this day my boys love to watch Burn Notice!  Ryler likes to dress up like the main character, Michael Westin.  They still talk about "boys night" and all the fun they used to have with Papa.  I just keep telling my older boys that they'll have to teach the younger boys all about Papa.  My dad will live on!  It's funny the things that will bring back so many memories.  I'll count my blessings that my dad was so giving of himself and his time to me and my family.  Now it's my job to do the same!

Trinity

Friends...

The bracelet has my dad's initials on it and the necklace matches it...my dad never went anywhere without his gun so this fits perfectly!


A very sweet dear friend got these for me.  She gave me the bracelet for my birthday in July and just today gave me the necklace.  Timing is everything and she's been a rock.  The kind of rock that is there just when you need.  I love our friendship because it's the kind that we can not see or talk to each other for days or even weeks and then just pick right back up where we left off!  That's a rare thing and I'm very appreciative of it.  So the bracelet has a gun on it and my dad's initials, so very fitting because my dad NEVER went anywhere without his gun or maybe two!  It was an awesome birthday present because 3 years ago on my birthday is when my dad went to the hospital.  So my birthday is a little hard and this year especially.  So I'm thankful she thought of me during that time.  Now I'm not sure why she got me the necklace, except that it matches the bracelet, or why she gave it to me today.  Today is not that different than other days but it's a hard one!  Well it is a little different, my mom is visiting family in California, and for the first time I feel completely alone!  By alone I mean all grown up and on my own and I don't like it!  I don't like it one bit!  Growing up is hard to do and I don't want to do it now!  Now I'm not really alone, remember I have 4 boys and a husband, but for some reason it feels as if I am.  Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by males and their sensitivity is lacking at best sometimes.  Also my older two boys are going with my in-laws on a little road trip tomorrow and I'm going to miss them terribly!  It's crazy, I know.  But they seem to be growing up entirely too fast and I can't stop time!  So I will embrace every moment I have with my kiddos!  Therefore, instead of being upset that my big boys are gone, I'm going to focus on the little guys and we are going to have a great time.  It reminds me of when my big boys were little and how much fun I had with them.  I still can't believe how fast time goes by and I really want a pause button!  Oh well, I'll just have to enjoy each day that comes and what it brings because that's all we really have.

Back to friendship, I'm so thankful for all the friends I have that have helped me over these last few months!  I'm especially thankful for my dad's buddy, Alan!

Alan feeding Gentry something like cool whip or ice-cream!

I'm not really sure how long my dad and Alan have been friends but I've known Alan since I was in high school.  And yes I've almost been out of high school 20 years! yikes!  He's done anything and everything that I've needed help with since I went to stay with mom and dad in April.  I know that this type of friendship doesn't come along everyday and I'm thankful for him!  He's taken the boys to shoot almost every week since my dad died and has checked on them and helped keep them and taken them where ever they needed to go and even helped do some farm chores.  What a guy!  He really understood my dad and I'm glad he's a part of our family!  I know that good friends only come along ever so often and I've been blessed with many over the years.

The thing I think is most important about friendships is that you can be who you are without having to put up a front.  Because why have friends that you can't really be yourself around???  Life is way too short for that kind of nonsense!  I want friends in my life that I can be who I am, craziness included, and I've got that and I'm so thankful and feel incredibly blessed.  I think this has hit me hard lately because I realize that my dad was not only my dad but my best friend, next to Gary!  He's been my best friend probably my whole life.  Now I'm realizing how important friendships are.  I also realize how broken hearted my mom is, she's not only lost her husband (if I haven't told you already how very much in love they are) but also her best friend.  That's so much to take all at once but she's showing me how to live and keep going, afterall that's exactly what dad told us to do!  She's an amazing woman and I'm so thankful to call her my mom and my friend.  There's always a positive in every situation and I'm finding them everyday!  Just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Things Aren't Always As They Appear!

Mart & Garrin

     Things aren't always as they appear.  My dad would always tell me this saying and it really has many meanings.  I'm reminded of this saying almost daily!  I think that we as women should think of this often.  Things aren't always as they appear!  We (women) usually judge others in many ways and think things are a certain way, when in all actuality they aren't as they appear!  Sometimes I think how great it would be if we put down all our barriers and just showed who we really are, instead of what we think society thinks we should be!  I try to live my life, not what society thinks my life should look like!  It's not easy and especially now that my dad is not here physically to encourage me to be who I am, but I'm learning and I will KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  What I would give to hear my dad tell me that...his voice was so strong and comforting and his presence was full of calmness and strength with a little bit of softness.
      I think of my dad and how he was perceived by people when I think of the saying...things aren't always as they appear.  From the outside looking in, my dad was so very rough around the edges.  Most would probably guess his education was high school, that he couldn't quote scripture out of the Bible or philosophize it or many other ideas about life, that he didn't own a suit,  that he didn't take any shit, that he'd fight for all he thought was right, that he didn't know how to design flowers or coordinate a wedding, that he didn't know the proper etiquette about wine tasting or how to set a proper table setting, that he didn't know much about politics, that he served this great country overseas that showed him disrespect when he returned home, that he could sew, iron clothes, cook an amazing gourmet meal, and shop with the best of them.  That he'd take his daughter dress shopping, that he could teach others to shoot a firearm, that he volunteered his time, that he could care for babies and change dirty diapers, that he'd read to his grandchildren or watch the movie Spirit til he could recite the entire movie.  These are just a few things about my dad that people probably thought of him when first meeting him.  Hence, things aren't always as they appear.  So I'll go over my list from above...he had more than a high school education, he knew his Bible and could quote scripture and philosophize it as well as many other ideas (The Art of War), he did own a suit (not that he cared to wear it!), he absolutely didn't take any shit! He never worked a Christmas (that's a whole blog in itself). He did fight for what he thought was right to the very end, he knew how to design amazing flower arrangements and coordinate weddings (he didn't necessarily care to do weddings!), he knew proper wine tasting and table setting, he knew politics and would discuss with anyone that would listen or debate it with him, he did serve his country overseas and was shown disrespect when he returned home, he could sew, iron, and he did most of the cooking and shopping.  He did take me shopping, even for dresses.  He taught many to shoot a firearm, volunteered his time with the sheriff's department, was the best babysitter ever and changed many many diapers, he read numerous books over and over to my children and watched whatever movie they wanted however many times they wanted.  So he absolutely fit the saying, things aren't always as they appear!
     During our visits, dad wanted to make sure that my mom left her legacy with my boys.  He explained that she had many things to teach them.  One of them being manners and etiquette.  So that's why I picked this picture for this blog.  Garrin, my oldest, is 12 and going to Cotillion with his friend Mart.  When I mention this to most people they look at me somewhat perplexed.  I've had a few comment like why is he doing that, he's a farm boy or really what's he ever going to need that for.  So I guess since we live on a farm in western Oklahoma that we don't need manners!  Really!  This has made me realize that my dad's saying THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR is so very true.  So my mom took him shopping and we had a great time.  She's leaving her legacy with the boys just as my dad did only in different ways.  How awesome is that!?!  So come to find out, my dad had manners classes before the navy and while he was in the navy.  And let me just say that if he wanted to, my dad could charm the pants right off you, only if he wanted to!  Otherwise, I think he liked appearing to be rough around the edges.
     Just as my dad wished, we are teaching the boys to be well rounded, independent thinkers.  Now I realize that the independent thinkers part could come back to haunt me later when they grow up and don't think anything like I do!  But that's a risk I'm willing to take.  Because after all THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!

Trinity