The hardest part...

My dad's old am radio.

     As I tried to watch the presidential debate last night, I realize just how much I miss my dad.  He's taught me from an early age to pay attention to our government and politics.  I don't know if it's because he served in the navy during the Vietnam War or because he was an independent thinker or many reasons combined together but he's taught me to pay attention!  I miss talking with him all the things of the world and I know we'd have lots to cuss and discuss during this election.  He had a way of really making me think about things and to look at things through different perspectives, other than my own opinions.

     This is his am radio and he's had a few of these that I can remember.  I was junior high age and dad would have his am radio on in the garage or anytime he was driving.  Now for those of you that don't know about am radio, it's full of static (at least it was back then)!  Now that noise brings me much comfort and I long for those good old days of having to listen to the what seemed like the most boring radio ever.  Fast forward to today and I'm still listening to talk radio!  This is something that makes me feel close to my dad even though he's not physically here.  I usually called my parents in the morning after I'd drop off the kiddos at school.  If dad was driving when I called then you could hear the talk radio on the background and it was always what I was listening to as well.  We'd immediately start talking about whatever subject they were discussing, I miss those conversations so much.  I miss that time we'd share cussing and discussing, we didn't always agree!  I also miss him pushing me to think outside the box and through many different perspectives.  Dad wouldn't miss a chance to make me think.  So this reminds me of the many things he told me during his last month before he moved to his next journey.

     It was about four weeks before dad died and one particular conversation stands out.  We were sitting in the kitchen at my parents house and dad had just gotten out of the shower.  He was feeling really good for the most part and our conversation was just awesome!  I remember thinking that I can't cry, dad didn't want any crying going on, so I stayed strong through it all and didn't let a tear loose.  During that conversation dad told me that this (what was happening at that time, his dying) was the easy part and that the hard part would come later.  I remember thinking I don't hardly think so because nothing could be as hard as watching my hero die.  Nothing!  Well, once again my dad was right.  I don't know why that's surprising to me, he's always been right (at least in my eyes)!  So here we are almost six months later and what he instructed me to do is way harder.  I don't know if it's harder because he's not here to talk me through and encourage me or if it's really harder.  Either way I'm working through and I'll KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  So here's what he said in a recap..."Trin, you've got to get up every morning cook those boys breakfast and give your best.  You've got to keep reading and stay educated.  You've got to think about what's best for your family and keep the boys lined out.  You've got to teach them to cook, shoot, think, to love to read, to grow and push themselves.  You can't let your weakness show and you've got to stay strong.  I've taught you all you need to do these things and you'll be awesome.  There comes a time when it's time for the mentor to go so the mentee can shine.  You've got to take care of Gary because he needs you to show him how to think outside the box.  I'll be with you and you've got to give 115% everyday and constantly be thinking three steps ahead."  During this conversation my gut twisted and I thought I was going to throw up because I've never thought about life without my dad here but I didn't shed a tear because I had to make him proud!  I couldn't disappoint him at this stage of the game.

     Let me just say that he was right and this is hard!  Life is hard without him.  I want to call him to talk to him, I pick up my phone throughout the day ready to call him only to realize I can't.  After my many talks with Gary, he's been amazing through all of this, I realize that many people don't have this kind of relationship with their parents.  I can't imagine!  Now is the time I get to call my mom and we have a relationship like I never knew we could have, and it's awesome.  I'm thankful for my mom and for my dad and for all the wonderful life lessons they've taught and continue to teach me.  I hope to parent my boys like they've done me, no matter how hard it may be!  Afterall my dad would say, "I'd rather live one day like a lion than a thousand like a lamb."  This is bringing on many new meanings to me and I believe I feel the same, imagine that!

     So with this election coming up I will exercise my right to vote, listen to my conservative talk radio, try to look at things through different perspectives, and of course think of my dad!

Trinity