From July to October 2009 seemed to drag on in one sense and in another well it's just a blur. My boys were 9, 6, and 1 at the time and our lives were super busy. Gary & I both worked crazy long hours because my dad had always been there to take care of the boys. Now the roles reversed overnight and I couldn't wrap my mind around it, so I just kept as busy as ever. I wish I'd taken the time to think about my mom and her feelings during this time. Once again I was super consumed with myself and how this life changing event affected me. I didn't think about how my mom's world had been rocked upside down or how my boys felt now that Papa couldn't keep them or wrestle with them. All I could think about was that my dad wasn't the same and these life changing events weren't really happening to me! This couldn't possibly be happening to me. Wow, how selfish can a girl be? I'd like to think that I'm not selfish but during this time in my life I was very selfish!
In three months time, I could see that my dad was not getting better. However, I refused to believe what the doctors told him. Remember my dad is ten feet tall and bullet proof! Now looking back I can see his body changing, slowly dying. He did everything the doctors told him to do and took all the meds they prescribed. After he'd gone to his check up appointment I could really see a big change. His skin was almost grey and his teeth were transparent, his breath was short and at times labored, he was not himself. It was almost like the shell of him was here but who he was had already died. He was quiet and nothing much sparked his interest. I just kept telling myself that you can't have your chest cut open, doctors pull out your heart, cut on it, attempt to fix it, cram it all back in, wire your breast bone shut and be the same person you were before that life changing surgery. I mean it's not like operating on a broken bone, it's your heart. The whole of who you really are and center of being. Well after the disappointing news from the doctor, my dad decided to do things his way. And why not? He did things his way his whole life and I can't imagine changing gears at this point in the ballgame. He slowly weaned himself off all the prescription meds and continued his natural health care route. He'd always gone the natural route and took vitamins and herbs, so this was nothing new for me. I'm actually a firm believer in the natural holistic medicine routine. It took him several months to wean off the long list of meds with the help of his naturopath. Once he stopped taking some of the meds his skin began to turn back to a pinkish color and his teeth looked normal again. I began to see my dad coming back instead of feeling like he was sinking farther away. I remember my mom crying during this time and saying that he'd just sit and stare for hours and that he couldn't lay down to sleep. Once again I didn't really take the time to listen to her or comfort her, and I'm very sorry that I couldn't see past my own feelings.
I've got to say that my mom is the most amazing woman ever! I've often thought over these last few months how much she's given of herself and never asks for anything in return. These last three years she's been right there for dad, not to mention helping heal him from his oilfield accident 30 years ago. Her strength, love, and compassion are just a few things I hope I get from her. She's super tender sweet yet tough as nails if you mess with her family, kids or grandkids and I don't even recognize her. I should've been there for her more during these last 3 years, but you can bet that I'll be there for her now. My dad told me to take care of Honey (aka my mom) because she's been super strong through all this and that she'd need me. Funny thing, she's still taking care of me. I feel like a little girl that wants her momma and I want her close by all the time. I'm probably smothering her but I just need her close! It's a wonderful thing to have such an amazing mom and dad...for that I'm blessed and spoiled!
Trinity
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