Christmas Day...

     I made it through Christmas without my dad's physical presence but can feel him here.  I'm sitting in his office chair at his desk writing tonight with a wide range of emotions.  Shortly after dad left this world, mom gave me dad's desk & chair.  He had it set up in the living room at his house and used his computer and read much there.  So when we brought it to my house, I put it in storage for a short while.    Then I wanted it in the living room just like my dad had it, so this is where I'm at tonight.  I feel him and I'm thankful for that but I want to see him and hug him.  I miss him more than words can say.  It's snowed and my mom is here and I'm so thankful that she's here!  I kinda wish it'd snow some more so she'd have to stay another day or two but I also want her to get over to see my sister.  We have been watching movies and playing and eating, total relaxing.  This is how my dad would always want it, relaxed!  I'm thankful he insisted on the relaxing part of the family get togethers.

     Gentry is asleep and now we are all in the living room watching what my dad would call a "shoot em up bang" movie...The Expendables 2.  Dad always loved watching "shoot em bangs".  I think it must be a boy thing.  I've grown up watching these kinds of movies with my dad and he'd let the boys watch some as well.  Now I have to decide which ones are too much for them, instead of dad doing that for me!  Just another part of having to grow up I guess.  Dad wanted me to make sure that I didn't make the boys too soft.  It seems that more often these days we are softening our boys from an early age and taking away their manliness.  I've always thought that men should be strong, not just physically but mentally as well, and that they'd have the where with all to do whatever it takes to take care of their family and their beliefs.  So naturally I married someone like that and I want to teach my boys to be like that.  It's frustrating living in a world that wants to take all this away from boys and men.  Once again, I'm going against the grain!  I really don't mind truth be told.  I'm just soaking all this in...mom here with us...all spending time together...knowing that nothing stays the same forever makes me want to pause time.  I know that can't happen so I'll embrace these moments and soak them in like the aroma from cookies baking in the oven.

     Back to the relaxing part of family get togethers, dad had that calming presence and would insist on everyone enjoying.  I don't know why we sometimes think that everything should be Martha Stewart perfect, that's not the real meaning of family or Christmas.  The best part of family is not how everything looks or really even tastes (yes good food is always a 'good thing') but more importantly how everyone feels when they're together.  Last post I wrote about the feeling of being loved at Christmas, but it's really about feeling loved everyday!  I felt loved everyday that my dad was here.  You know the kind of safe, secure love that would do anything for you all while encouraging you to be the best you can be...that's what it's about!  It's not about how great I can decorate, cook, or clean and organize...it's about how I make others feel around me...loved!  So I will focus on giving my boys the gift of feeling loved and protected.  Isn't that how Jesus wants us to feel?

     Tonight I'm thankful for all that I have and I'm thankful for the time I had with my dad.  I miss him terribly and I know that my mom misses him more than I'll ever know.  A few days ago when I was having a moment (realizing that dad wouldn't be here for Christmas!) Gary reminded me of what my dad would say, "Suck it up, buttercup"!  He told me I'd better get my act together because the boys deserved to have a good Christmas and if I was crying around then I'd ruin it for them.  Gary said just like my dad would, make the best of it and after it's all over then you can lay around and cry about it, but for now you've got to be strong!  This sounded so much like my dad and it made me smile.  I'm thankful for Gary...he's my rock!

     I don't feel like losing it yet, maybe I won't, but I've sucked it up and we've all had a great family Christmas.  Relaxed, just like dad would want it!  Loved, just like mom & dad have taught me!  I'm one lucky girl and no present could come close to the feeling of family and love!  We all will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  Merry Christmas...

Trinity