It's very fitting that the title of my blog is CHANGE! I started this blog when I quit my job and closed my business thinking that was a big Change, little did I know! When I stop and think about all the changes that have happened over the last year and a half, I don't even have the words to describe my feelings. I've gone through things I never thought I could and I've made changes that I never thought I would. I have learned a few constants in life...it always changes and never say never!
This election day was a hard one and not just because my candidate didn't win but because my dad's not here to cuss and discuss with me! We always talk politics and I loved it. Dad taught me from an early age to pay attention to politics and what the government was doing. I might be a little bit of a conspiracy theorist! Ok I am! Not many people want to talk conspiracy theories, but my dad would always talk politics even with the liberal side. In fact I think he enjoyed it. So needless to say last night was hard, I missed him so much! Really I just miss him all the way around. I still wake up every morning and have to stop and think, did he really die? Or did I just dream it? I still pick up my phone and go to my favorites only to find Dad isn't there. Trevin (my 4 year old) asks everyday if Papa is coming back from Heaven today! Ryler wears Hawaiian shirts, just like my dad. Garrin cooks just like my dad. They all remind me of him or things they used to do together and talk about Papa everyday and I'm thankful for all of it! However, some days I just can't take it and all I want to do is go to bed or have a drink at 9am, just anything to take my mind off of the fact that he's never coming back! That's the truth that I'm having a hard time grasping...he's never coming back, never!
One of the many changes is that we started homeschooling this year, something my dad always wanted me to do. Well I've tried it and it's not for me or us as a family. I love many aspects of it but when it comes down to it, I hate being the parent that makes them do the work. I want to do the fun part of the education, the games and experiments and projects. I don't like the math facts, spelling, the core stuff. Ryler (4th grade) has asked to go back to school since the first week we started homeschool. I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm the hardest teacher he's ever had! Really, I just know what he's capable of and I won't accept anything less than! That's something that both my parents taught me, always do your best! Actually my dad's phrasing was something to the effect of, "either do or don't but don't half ass your way!" I love this, it pretty much says a lot about life. Either give it your all or don't bother because you're wasting everyone's time if you're going to "half ass it". Not to mention that living on the farm has its distractions. It's next to impossible to keep them inside, esp if it's nice outside. Garrin (6th grade) is like a 40 year old farmer in a 12 year olds body. He'd much rather be outside working on anything than inside. I love that they both want to do the chores and take care of things outside but their education comes first. College is a must. Really I just want them to be well rounded productive citizens of society with a strong faith and relationship with God. This journey has been extremely hard without my dad here to talk to! He's been there to always help and encourage me in just the ways I needed and I can't put into words how much I miss that! But I have realized that I have many people in my life that love and encourage me and I'm one blessed girl.
Another change that really started me writing this blog is that I quit my job and closed my business. My dad really encouraged me to do this and I'm so thankful for both my mom and dad's support with that decision. It was difficult at best to decide to just up and quit, I'm not a quitter! When I brought it up to Gary he was excited and I thought he'd be like no you've got to work. He was just the opposite! After digging in the Bible, I realize I was not being a Biblical wife. (I have an entire post about this so I'll leave it at this for now!) My mom and dad encouraged me to read and think for myself and figure out what my role is and then discuss it with Gary. So after doing some soul searching I talked to Gary only to find him excited about the thought of me working less or not at all. I've worked since I was 14 and always made my own money and never thought of not working, never. Well, I can honestly say it's the best decision I've ever made and I don't ever want to go back to work like I did. I missed so much with my first 2 boys and I'll never get that time back. It's heartbreaking when I stop and think about it. Gary likes to point out that I never even asked if he wanted me to work after we had kids or what his thoughts were on the subject. I just did what I thought and went on. Looking back I realize how I just did what I thought without thinking about Gary or my family. I think that society tries to tell us what we should be and how but you can bet that I won't let society tell me. I will put my family first!
I will be a Biblical wife not matter how unpopular it is and do what's best for my family. I will have a happy heart and spirit and be thankful that I have this option. I will embrace being at home with my little guy while he's still little and being the one who shapes the boys into who they'll become. I don't take this job lightly and I will give it my all. After all this is one of the things that dad was telling me to do...get up every morning and cook breakfast for my boys and push them and shape them and I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
Trinity
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