Y2K to 2014

Y2K to 2014

I remember Y2K like it was yesterday.  It wasn't that long ago but much has happened.  Gary & I had been married for about 4 years and we were expecting our first child living in the sweetest little house.  Wow do I miss that house!  We still own it and it was my salon for about 10 years and now it's a rental.  I never thought that I'd miss living in that house but let me explain, it had an amazing feel!  You know the kind of sweetness that comes from things past.  I didn't really appreciate it while living there but I'm thankful that I got to work there for about 10 years.  This is just a little bit of what I think about when I think about Y2K.  I remember living in that sweet place.  I remember how my dad would tell me to enjoy it there and that someday I would miss it!  He was/ is always right!  I remember how the whole computer world was going to crash and the world was coming to an end, so my idea of preparing was to stock up on tampons, pads, ziploc bags, and salt.  What a combination!  I thought if things get really bad in the world I could swap stuff for tampons because women were not going to go back to using rags, not sure why I thought ziploc bags were important and salt, well it has lots of uses.  Life was pretty easy when we lived in that sweet place! 

Now as 2013 is coming to an end for some reason I have thought about Y2K and all that has happened in my life over the last 13 years, as well as our world.  The first thing I think about is that I never in a million years thought that my dad would have died by now…after all he's 10 feet tall and bulletproof! (Read previous post 10 Feet Tall & Bulletproof.)  I didn't think that I'd have 4 boys, live on the farm, quit my job and be loving this life.  I didn't think I'd have to watch my mom's heart break slowly from watching my dad die and then see her broken hearted, yet still pushing forward while she keeps on keepin' on.  I didn't think I'd have to watch my granny feel lost after her first born died.  I'm pretty sure that no matter what age, when a parent loses a child they're never the same!  I didn't think I could love like I love my husband, it's totally amazing!  I didn't think I could love being just a stay at home mom…the best job ever!  These are just a few of the things that I never expected about my life.

What about all the things that have happened in the world…wow there's way too much to mention!  However, the one thing I think about is our technology.  I've explained to my boys how back in the day we didn't have cell phones and when we did it was a big bag phone and the Internet was S L O W… to say the least!  I'm in awe of how much technology has changed our world as I'm typing on my mac book and post this writing to the Internet for the world to read.  I wonder where the technology will be in another 13 years!

So Y2K to 2013 has brought many blessings and few heartaches to which I'm thankful for all of it.  I hope to learn from all of life and embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly.  After all we only get one trip around this great big world, so I'm gonna do my best to make it count!  You know I'm going to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Survival Mode to Living Life

Survival Mode to Living Life

Sometimes, out of nowhere, the wind gets knocked out of you.  That pretty much sums up my November!  There wasn't any one thing in particular but the whole month was just rough.  I miss my dad!  I did just like he told me to do, I got up everyday and gave my best to my boys.  Anything past that was just pure survival mode and I hate that.  It feels like I've been asleep and missed out on life and  I don't like that feeling one bit.  So for December I'm getting back on track.  For whatever reason the holidays this year are rough.  I miss my dad!  

Everyday I miss him and everyday I pick up my phone to call him and every time I see a Jeep I think it's him and everyday I wake up and have to think, did my dad really die?  Everyday my boys talk about their Papa and everyday I say something that reminds me of my dad.  I miss him!  I didn't realize how much this would hurt.  I also didn't realize that I could be this strong and do like my dad told me to do and that makes me smile in amongst the hurt.  

I think I've had my time to be in survival mode and now it's time to get back to living life.  I have this urge to learn and do as much as possible, to teach my boys so many life lessons that it's as if I want to keep myself so busy that I don't feel the pain of missing my dad.  Whatever the reason I'm going to enjoy this phase and do as much as possible.  I will do more than just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

She LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY...

She LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY...

Went to a funeral the other day and it's odd how much just going to another one brings back memories from my dad's.  You know the awkward silence and not knowing what to say because it doesn't really matter what you say, the pain is raw.  I've never felt pain like I felt when my dad died.  It fades but it's always there and you will never be the same.  Life goes on and you must live life but sometimes it's easier said than done.  I think that's why my dad kept telling me to "Just keep livin' kid, just live life!"  

As I sat on the pew, surrounded by extended family, I listened to the preacher talk about how this woman was the glue that held the family together.  It gave me chills only because it speaks truth in many ways.  Have you ever noticed how things change when someone dies?  It's like that person kept everyone on even keel and now a new normal must be found.  A new normal, seriously whatever is normal!  Things will never be normal again.  I didn't know or understand how hard it is when someone dies and sometimes I still don't.  Everyone's situation is different and unique and no one could possibly begin to understand another's.  However this can be said about all aspects of life.  No one can feel your joy, excitement, anticipation, happiness.  When I stop and think about that I'm in awe!  It's amazing that we all get to have our own life experiences and how we handle them and walk through this journey of life is all how we want to do it.  You can choose to find the worst in your situation because  I'm sure there are others that have it way worse or you can choose to find the good in the worst of situations and really LIVE LIFE!  

My dad always used to say that you've got to go through tough times to be able to appreciate the good times.  I never really stopped to appreciate things before my dad died but now I do.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow so I'm trying to make the best of everyday, no matter what the day brings.  We only get to go around this world once and I want it to be said at my funeral that she LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY!  It's funny how my dad is still teaching me life lessons and he's not physically here doing it.  I'm super thankful for the amazing parents that God blessed me with and hope that I can be like them.  And you know….I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Do Not Let Fear Rule You...

It's been a rough few days...my youngest has been sick as well as my oldest.  Nothing serious but enough to make a call to the doc.  So let me explain why it's so rough on this momma.  I feel like I'm a first time parent with my 4th child!  I know that makes no sense so let me explain...my dad always helped me with the boys from the very beginning.  So at times when I'd be on the verge of freaking out, dad would always be there to bring me comfort and keep me grounded.  This week has pushed me and tested me but I'm stronger for it...but I still miss my dad!  Hubby did awesome this week, not only dealing with the sick kiddos but dealing with this momma (that may have been just a little on the emotional side!).  So thankful for him! 

This is just one of the many stories my dad used to tell about my parenting...he'd belly laugh every time he told it!  My oldest was about 2 and he fell off the dining room chair and hit his head on the baseboard.  I immediately picked him up to cuddle him and realized that blood is gushing from his head. You must know that my interpretation is overdramatic as my dad would say.  Now being a first time momma, I didn't know that heads bleed easily!  So I begin to panic and I put a dishtowel on his forehead and picked up my phone to call my dad.  I often wonder if the convenience of cell phones has made us less apt to take care of things on our own.  By the time I talk to my dad on the phone, I'm crying!  Yes, I know it's silly but that's where I was at that time.  I've come a long way!  So I'm talking to dad on the phone and by this time Garrin has stopped crying but I insist that he needs to go to the ER.  My dad said,"Whoa, kid!  No ER!  He's fine.  Let's clean it and put some super glue on it."  I can't begin to explain my response...seriously you want to put super glue on my baby!?!  Oh I don't think so!  Now let me stop at this point to say that I keep lots of super glue on hand with 4 boys!  It's way better than a band aid.  This is where my dad would laugh that deep belly laugh as only he could do.  So needless to say, we didn't go to the ER.  But we did go to the dr. office and the dr. trying to keep me happy said he could put a few stitches in.  Dad tried to tell me no but I wouldn't listen.  My baby was going to get his little head sewed up.  Now by this time I had just put a band aid on it and he was back to being a 2 year old boy.  I can still remember the pit in my stomach and all my nerves on edge.  So this is where it gets really good...we go back to get the stitches and I'm doing pretty good until it comes time to hold him down.  Well hello, I'm about to loose it all together.  I got that hot cold feeling and felt like I was going to pass out.  I went to the bathroom and cried and cried while I left my dad to hold him down while the doc put in about 3 stitches.  Yes that's right 3!  So after I regain my composure and we leave the dr. office my dad gave me a piece of his mind.  I got a good talking to if you know what I mean.    My dad had a way of getting through to me and we could hash things out and all would be well in the end.  So I listened to him and cried a little more, then I dried it up and realized he was right.

Now that's not the best part of this story...
Sometime during the night my sweet little boy pulled out his stitches!  Yes that's right he pulled them out without crying or fussing.  So guess what?  I put super glue on that sweet little boy and all was well!  And then it all became clear, all the things my dad was teaching me.  It's funny because it's all becoming clear now too!  I guess life is funny that way.  I can still hear my dad telling me that during times of crisis, no matter how big or small or how long it lasts, that you've got to keep it together and be able to make good decisions and absolutely DO NOT LET FEAR RULE YOU!  If you let fear in, it will take hold and rule you.  So no matter how hard the situation is you must stay strong and after it's all over with you can lose it then!  You can cry, scream, punch on the bag, have a drink or two, whatever but you do it after the fact and never during!  Good thing I learned those lessons with little things because I had the strength to handle the end with my dad without fear.  But here I am, a year and a half later and I still find myself having times of crying, screaming, punching the bag, and having a drink (not 2 because I'm a lightweight!) and I wonder if I'll find a new normal.  Oh well who wants to be normal anyway...how boring!  It's funny how I'm still learning from dad even though he's not here physically.  So you know I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

18 Years

18 Years...

I'm a mom of 4 boys, yes that's right all boys!  I love it and thankful to have this opportunity to be the best mom I can be but that's not where I'm going with this...I just keep thinking about something my dad told me numerous times about having boys.  He said,"Kid, you only have these boys for 18 years!  They will grow up and if you raise them right then they'll be independent (he really meant independent of me!) strong and strong willed."  He went on to say that it's my job to teach & train them to be productive citizens of society and that I've got until they're 18 years old to do it.  In his opinion by the time a young man is 18, which is old enough to fight and die for this country, then he's grown and better be able to do for himself.  He stressed how important this is and that I must work hard and enjoy these 18 years because they'll go by super fast.

Now that I officially have a teenager it's really hit me that my dad was right...once again!  I've only got 5 years left with my oldest and I still have so much work to do.  To say that panic mode has hit is an understatement!  I need and want to do so much with my boys and time is going way faster than I can keep up with.  I've recently realized that after they graduate high school my 18 years with them is up.  They'll go off to college, as they should!  They'll date, make mistakes, try to find themselves, figure out what they want to do with their life, get married, have kids...live life...as they should!  I just used typical examples here, I know there are many other possibilities!  After I've had the blessing of raising them for 18 years I can only hope that they'll allow me to be apart of their lives.  Sometimes I'm so hard on them now that I'm thinking I'll never see them after they leave home because they'll be in therapy for their terrible childhood!  Oh well, all I can say is that I did the best I could, at that time, with the knowledge I had and that I loved them with all my soul!  So if they need therapy for all of that, so be it.  

I pray and hope that they'll bless me with the opportunity to be a part of their lives after my 18 years is up but if not then I will be thankful for the 18 years I had!  So I've got lots to do and very little time to do it in but I'm going to enjoy this crazy ride because it all goes by way too fast not to!  I will teach them to be independent of me and only pray that I will get to watch what amazing young men they will grow to be.  I remember my dad telling me many many times that this parenting gig ain't easy or for the weak and I'm a firm believer that he was right!  Parenting ain't easy...it's the hardest job I've ever had but the most rewarding and best job I've ever had!  Thanks dad for preparing me from the get go to go on without you...somedays are better than others but that's what makes the ride great.  I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Things can always be worse...

     I've been busy working on a book idea and I've come to a stand still...I will finish it!  I think why am I doing this and no one will read it and then I think oh yes they'll read it and it'll help someone else.  So for the moment I'm fighting an inner battle...which is something it seems I do a lot.  Oh well, it could always be worse!  So I thought I'd get back to my blog, since this is how I started writing to begin with.

     Ever ask someone how they're doing when in all actuality you really didn't care?  Well I think we are all guilty of it.  I mean really who wants to hear about someone's body functions or how bad things are...they can always be worse, ALWAYS!  My parents always told me that things could always be worse, so stop whining around and feeling sorry for yourself.  I find myself thinking this often when talking with others and some say I don't have much compassion.  Maybe I don't, but I think I have some!  With all of that let me begin...

...Some one asked me the other day, "How are you doing?  You seem to be doing good since your dad passed away!"  And the bubble above my head said so much but I just smiled and said, "Good and yes, I don't have time to be anything but good!"  As I walked off to continue my day I couldn't help but think of so many things that I want to say...

     First of all, I wanted to say how dare you judge me for doing so good since my dad "passed away"! You don't even know me or what I'm feeling, just because I don't walk around showing my emotions all over my face (trust me I have lots of emotions...you should feel for my husband!) I must be doing good...Seriously???  I really wanted to correct them and say since my dad died...I really don't like the whole PC term passed away...he died.  Then I wanted to explain that I've got 4 boys that I've got to stay strong for and that I've got about 15 minutes in the shower to let all my emotions out and then I'd better be ready for all that they bring my way.  Trust me, 4 boys can bring a lot of things my way...I'm always on guard and if I'm not and I show any kind of weakness, they gang up and go in for the kill.  I wouldn't expect any different from boys and I'm glad that they keep me on my toes but somedays I just want to stay in bed and not deal with anything!  Yes that's right, I want to stay in bed and not deal with it.  Then I can hear my dad telling me, "Suck it up, buttercup!  Life ain't easy and the only easy day was yesterday.  Now put on your big girl panties because it could always be worse and just remember that nothing stays the same forever!"  I just stop and smile when I think of him telling me all of that and I'm thankful for him and realize how much I miss him.  It's like the wind is knocked out of me all over again only this time I can see it coming but I can't stop it.  I wonder if it will ever stop.  I don't know if I want it to.  Weird I know but it's the truth!

     Then I want to tell them that my dad told me to keep on living!  He told me over and over again during his last weeks here on earth but also many times growing up.  I remember him telling me that no one lives forever and that life goes on, as it should kid.  I wanted to tell them that I sat and listened to my dad tell me how to keep on living life while his life was ending and that I listened without shedding tears because he didn't want any crying around.  Have you ever had to listen to news and know that things would never be the same again, with the ache in your heart and queasy in your gut, but not let any of that show because you didn't want the other person to be sad or feel bad?  Well, let me just say that it's not easy!  Not easy at all, but I did it and I'd do it all over again.  But that doesn't mean that I'm good since my dad died.  I won't ever be the same!  Things always change but sometimes some things change us.

     I am good but only because my dad made me promise to get up everyday and give hubby and the boys my best.  Some days I succeed and others, well let's just say that I made it through and I wasn't in bed!  God has shown me many wonderful things during this process and I'm still learning.  I hope I'm always learning.  You know...just got to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

It's Way More Than Driving A Tractor!

Farming is a family thing for sure.  For many reasons...it takes everyone on board to make the farming operation go...there's just something about teaching the next generation all about what the previous has taught and taking that and adding to it...it's really something to watch.  I say that because I didn't grow up on a farm but I've watched my husband over the last 20 years and it's really something.  And until recently I worked a full time job away from the farm so now I can see so many wonderful things.

I've missed so much because I was working full time The other day when I was helping my husband move tractors to the next field.  He and his dad were talking about how the ground was working and what field to work next and so on and so forth.  I just paused in my car for a moment and realized, what and amazing life!  I then thought of my dad and how much he encouraged me to focus on the farm and my boys and I'm so thankful!  I'm thankful that I listened to him while he was still here (even though he still talks to me often from the other side!) and I'm thankful that my husband loves me being out here and trying to help on the farm.  Although I think I provide much humor for him and my big boys!  But hey I'm trying and doing things I never thought I'd do and that's an accomplishment in itself.  So thanks to my dad for pushing me to make big changes.  I hope that I'm an example to my sons that you can do anything!  I miss my dad everyday and somedays are harder than others but so thankful for the time I had with him.  And you know I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Burn Notice

     It's crazy how the littlest things can bring back a memory.  You never know when & where it'll happen.  Sometimes I feel like it's a ticking time bomb that's just waiting to blow and most of the time I love having the memories that brings me joy and love.  So not a day, usually not an hour goes by that I don't think of my dad in some way shape or form.  Most of the time it brings a smile to my face along with a good laugh.  My dad was a character and would say things just for the shock factor.  I find myself doing that now and I'm not sure if it's because he's not here to do it or because I miss that honest, to the point, make you laugh characteristic of his.  Either way, I am certain we all act like our parents over time and I'm thankful for that because I'm proud of my parents and happy to act like them.

     So a few days back I got this email from Netflix about Season 6 of Burn Notice coming out and it was all I could do not to break down bawling.  I started shaking and felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn't catch my breath.  All from a random email.  Let me explain...my dad and my big boys would have what we called "boys night".  This entailed watching the tv show Burn Notice, grilling steaks, drinking root beer while my dad taught them all the things every boy should know.  No girls were allowed, so if I wasn't working I had to stay in my bedroom and leave the guys alone.  I loved being locked up in my room and listening to their conversations and hearing the laughter.  I can't tell you what I'd give to have that back.  It's so bittersweet.  I love thinking about those awesome memories but I hate it that it can never be like that again and that Trevin and Gentry will never know what "boys night" was like with Papa.  Garrin and Ryler have said they'll have "boys night" with the little brothers and teach them all the awesome things that Papa taught them.  They already teach the little ones just like my dad did and that makes my heart happy.  Some days I just want him back so bad.  Now after they grilled, the grilling out was a whole process in itself, and watched Burn Notice then they'd set up the air mattress in the living room and start to get settled in for the night. My dad would sleep with them on the air mattress.  He didn't seem to mind the legs in the face, an occasional wet bed, or an air mattress that never stay inflated the entire night.  What a Papa!  The next morning they'd get up and my dad would show me how to fix breakfast.  He was awesome in the kitchen!  Then he'd head home and sometimes I'd look around at the mess in my house and think wow!  They could really make a mess but oh the memories they made!  You can't possibly know the amazing memories unless you were there.  As dad would leave he'd ask the boys if they wanted to do it again next Friday and the answer was always YES!  Later on when the boys weren't around dad would always tell me how he's going to take advantage anytime the boys want to spend with him because it won't be long til they'll outgrow me.  I thought there's no way they'll ever outgrow Papa.  I was right!

     So we will continue the tradition of "boys night" and teach Trevin & Gentry all about their awesome Papa.  I'm so thankful for all that my dad has taught me and what he continues to teach me even though he's not here physically.  I will ride the waves of hurt with the strength that my dad taught me to have and I will ride the waves of joy and embrace every minute of it all!  After all you can't have the amazingly great times without the hard times.  You know we must KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity  
   

Conquer the world...

I just keep on learning...

Life is all about learning and at times I feel like I'm just starting out in life and other times I feel like oh yeah I've got this.  I guess that's a good thing because you know nothing stays the same forever!  So here's what I learned yesterday...

I had the opportunity to help with a junior Black Belt Test and it was an awesome experience.  From a parent perspective it's amazing to see a child (these kiddos are junior high age) understand and be able to defend themselves in high adrenal stress situations against people of all ages, sizes, and abilities.  During this test I was just helping (sparring, holding pads, ground fighting, & cheering them on) but wow did I learn so much.  It's a great feeling to help someone, yes I already knew that one!  However, this kind of help is completely different.  

I couldn't help but think about my dad last night.  He was always helping others reach their goals.  He constantly encouraged everyone around him in only ways that he could.  My dad had the ability to make you feel like you could conquer the world with the ability you had within you.  I've met many people that have told me or messaged me about how much my dad influenced their lives and encouraged them in a time when no one believed in them.  Growing up with my dad, I've always felt like I could conquer the world and to be real honest I took that for granted.  Trust me, I don't take that for granted now!  I want my boys to have that same feeling that my dad blessed me with and now I want others to have

Every 28 days...

     Somewhere around every 28 days a woman's body morphs into all kinds of crazy.  I'm amazed at what my body can do, I can actually grow another person, but sometimes I'm completely freaked out by the wide range of emotions that I can go through in just a few short days.  I'm sure my house full of boys are freaked out as much as I am.  My dad had a saying about a woman's cycle (WARNING, it's crude...) He would say, "Anything that can bleed for 7 days and doesn't die, don't fuck with it!"  I told you it was crude!  Oh but it's so true!  Some months I can conquer the world and others it's all I can do to make it through the day without crying the whole time.  Sometimes I feel like I can kick butt and take names and other times I feel so weak.

     Last week I decided to paint a wall and it's turned into the whole room and it all started with the thought of taking down my little guys crib.  Just a note, I'm not happy about my baby growing up!  My big boys were rearranging their rooms and going through stuff and said, "Mom, let's go ahead and take down Gentry's crib, he's ready to start sleeping in a big boy bed!"  I just started bawling, not crying, bawling!  Garrin, 13, and Ryler, 10, just looked at me with blank stares and hugged me and said, "It's ok, we don't have to.  We can do however you want."  I just hugged them and went outside and cried and cried and cried.  Did I mention that I cried?  I couldn't stop crying for the rest of the day.  The boys tried their best to console me but they were super happy when daddy got home.  Looking back I see how they were looking to daddy to see what to do and they were soaking it all in.  Gary walked in and just hugged me and kept telling me it's going to be alright.  There's nothing better than your man holding you and telling you it's all going to be alright.  The boys kept telling daddy how happy they were that he was home!  At times I think I shouldn't let the boys see me cry and carry on but really I would be doing them an injustice.  They are growing up and will date and marry someday...they need to know that women have emotions and that it's ok!

     So back to my baby growing up...my oldest will be in 7th grade, Ryler 5th grade, Trevin is going to Kindergarten (oh my!!!), and Gentry is almost 2...I'm super thankful they are spread apart in age.  I don't like back to school time at all!  I think about a new year starting and how little time I have left with my boys, I wonder if I've taught them all that I need to teach them, I wonder if I've spent enough time with them and truly enjoyed them.  It just kills me.  So when the big boys suggested we take down the crib it just all hit me hard.  Then I remember what my dad would tell me when I would get all upset about the boys growing up...he'd say, "Trin, do you want them to be titty babies and live with you for the rest of their life?  You've got a job to do and you're doing it.  Nothing stays the same forever.  Just enjoy the ride because it only gets better.  Now go hug them up and prepare to send them on their way."  I couldn't help but smile in amongst my crying eyes.  I know my dad is right and I'm doing just like he's instructed me to do but man is it hard!  Then it hit me hard that dad won't be here to see the boys and help me guide them or teach me how to be a better parent and then I started crying all over again.  It was like a hurricane of emotions that couldn't be tamed.  To top that off, that night I went to karate, I forced myself because all I wanted to do was go to bed.  We started a 2 month training on ground fighting (self protection if attacked scenarios) and it was all I could do to get through class without crying like a baby.  My dad always wrestled with me and was constantly training me to be prepared for the unthinkable at any given time.  He'd always say, "The bad guys aren't going to warn you or give you a heads up before they attack you.  You've always got to be thinking, kid!"  So as we were working on the ground fighting all I could think about was my dad.  I thought about all he taught me and how much fun we had but most of all how much I miss him.

     Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and how much I miss him and all that he taught me.  Some days I'm super sad and others I miss him but most days I count my many blessings for all the time he spent teaching me and preparing me to live life without him here.  I love that I can hear him and his life lessons loud and clear.  So I may be sad and cry about my babies growing up but I WILL teach and train them to live life to the fullest, to be brave men that are sensitive to the women in their lives and I will let them go & grow.  After all I must KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

This is the Life!

Gary & Ryler on the tractor and Garrin in the semi.

This is the life!  Gary is teaching the boys all the time and he's doing such an awesome job.  I was taking food to the field and just helping out here and there when I took this picture.  It makes me think of my dad and how proud he'd be of all of us.  He always told me how "You have the life, kid!"  I didn't really understand what he meant by that but I'm learning.  I certainly didn't appreciate this life until I watched my dad die.  There's something that happens to a person when they watch someone take their last breaths and it's changed me.  I'm just thankful that my dad laid the groundwork for me to enjoy this life and appreciate all it has to offer!

So back to this hay hauling adventure, I'm in awe of how much my boys (13 & 10) can do and how much they know.  There's nothing they won't try to do and they're constantly learning as well as learning to work.  Gary takes time with them and tries to teach in amidst all the stressful times of farming.  He's training them for anything they want to do in life because they will know how to work and figure things out on their own.  This is what reminds me of my dad...teaching them (the boys) to think and do for themselves.  That's something he taught me and worked very hard to teach my boys and instructed me to teach them when he knew he wouldn't be around.  In teaching this my dad would always say, "You have the life, kid!"  By that he meant that we have the perfect place and lifestyle to teach and train boys.  Once again I'm thankful for all that I've got and I can hear my dad saying, "You're doing good, kid.  You're doing good!"  And that makes my soul feel good.


So here's just a few things I'm hoping we are teaching our boys...to be men...to love God...to be loving providers and fathers...to have confidence to follow their dreams...to stand up for what is right...to have a thirst for knowledge...to work hard...to enjoy the little things...to be strong emotionally, physically, spiritually...to be thankful for all that God has given...to love and show love...to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!


I can't even begin to explain how much I miss my dad but remembering the life lessons he taught me and enjoying the moment makes the pain of him not being here bearable.  It's been a rough few weeks.  You know the kind where you think you can't get out of bed and just want to sleep.  I've never felt that until now and I don't like it and I'm working on making it go away.  Remembering all that dad taught me helps most of the time, but sometimes it makes it awful.  Thinking that he's not here to see the boys and that he won't be here to see them grow into the amazing men that he helped shape is sometimes too much to think about.  I can always hear my dad or feel him push me to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  I realize now that life is short and that we must enjoy today!  So the days that are hard I try to embrace and know that nothing stays the same forever!  And I've only got a short amount of time to teach and train my boys all that I want them to know, so I don't have too much time for laying in bed feeling sorry for myself.  I'm so thankful for my house full of boys for many reasons!

Father's Day realization...

This is the second Father's Day without my dad here and I'm thankful that he never made a big deal about the holidays.  He said everyday was Father's Day and he truly believed it.  With that attitude it's made the transition from him being here to him not a whole lot easier during the actual holidays.  I don't ever think about how we always did this or that on certain holidays.  So it's really just the day in and day out that I miss my dad the most.  Here's what I realized this Father's Day...

1.  I'm super thankful for my dad's parents...they raised an awesome man that became an amazing father!   So to my Granny...thanks!  You did an awesome job and you should be so proud.  Dad's legacy lives on and will continue to and that's in part because of all that you did to raise dad!

2.  I'm so very thankful to my in-laws for raising my husband to be the man he is...and let me just say he's the best and perfect for me!  My husband is my rock and an awesome father.  I'm thankful to his parents for teaching him how to work hard to provide for us, how to be a strong man (physically, mentally, spiritually), and how to have patience and never give up!

3.  I'm in the midst of raising 4 boys to become men and father's and I've got a job to do...I'm thankful that I get to do this...but I'm realizing just how important it is!  I want my boys to grow up to be just like my husband and my dad...amazing!  I've got to teach them to be strong and provide for their family but be gentle, caring, and loving.  I must teach them to be warriors for what they believe but accepting of others.  I need to teach them to care for a baby as well as cook and clean all while being patient, understanding, and loving to the women in their lives.  I will teach them to follow their dreams and to have the confidence to do anything they want to do in life.  I must teach them to fight for their freedom and defend what's dear to them, to be physically, mentally, and spiritually strong.  I want to teach them to share their feelings and have a strong faith and love for the Lord.  I must teach them to be content and happy with where they are in the journey of life!

     So I've got lots to do but I've got great examples to follow!  I know my dad was preparing me to do all these with the boys but now I'm realizing just how important my job is and I'm thankful to have this opportunity.  So as you know I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

   

Lion, lamb, flagpole!

     I don't feel much different today...now that I'm 36!  Yesterday was my birthday and it brought some tough memories.  It's been 4 years ago on my birthday that life changed forever.  My dad went to the hospital on my birthday.  Little did I know just how much life would change in less than 5 years.  Some days it still feels like a dream.  Sometimes I can't stand to be around others that have their dad or papa and especially those that take that time for granted!  Other days it feels like all I can do is get through the day.  Most days I think of my dad and smile and count my blessings that he was such an amazing part of our lives.  Then I'm reminded of the saying...Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened!  So that's what I try to do, some days I do better than others.  I've heard over and over again that it gets better after the first year but I don't think so.  I've also realized that this is not something that you get over, it's a new way of life...there's a big difference. 

     I think it's better to have lived life to the fullest without holding back than to always be cautious and never live!  My dad always said he'd rather live 1 day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb!  I know this is surprising but I feel the same way.  What's the point of this big journey if we don't really live and use all we've got to give?  I've never been one to "play it safe" and I'm definitely the flag in my marriage.  I have a dear friend that says that most relationships have someone that's the flag and someone that's the flagpole.  The flagpole is steady and constant and the flag, well you know waves in the wind!  So yes that's me...the flag.  Gary is definitely the flagpole and he's amazing to put up with me waving in the wind so much!  I definitely got a good one.  I'm saying all this to say that whatever you are,  be it!  Enjoy it!  Embrace it!  So that's what I'm trying to do and somedays are better than others.  But everyday I'm trying and hopefully soon I'll get back to waving in the wind only like a flag can in western Oklahoma.  

     I've been a little, ok a lot, lost since my dad died!  He was my "go to" person for everything and my best friend and I miss him!  Did I mention that I miss him?  The funny thing is just when I think I'm going to have a melt down, I have this feeling come on.  Sometimes it's a swift kick in the butt, or this pinch on the back of my arm, and sometimes it's this calmness telling me I can and I will do this...live life!  That's the one thing that dad told me to do and that it was an absolute must...LIVE LIFE!  And yes I'd totally rather live one day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb!  

KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Brown Belt...karate

My Brown Belt test back in the day...

Some things in life we think we will never do, well karate is one of them for me.  But as we know about life, never say never!  So here's my story about doing something I never thought I'd do...of course this event has my dad in it.  He was in just about every event and day to day life for 34 years.  I'm continually inspired and amazed by my dad even after his death.

It was after baby #2 and I wanted to do a different kind of workout.  I'm not into running on a treadmill. So after talking with dad, he encouraged me to take karate.  His buddy owned the karate school and so the journey begins.  Now when you stop and think about life, everyone is living their own journey and we can't compare our own with others.  I firmly believe that the adventure in life lies in the journey not the destination...after all what's left after you get to the destination?

I was focused and loved karate from the get go.  Dad would stay with the little ones so I could take class 3 nights a week.  Like I said he encouraged me and made it easy for me to start this journey.  I pushed my body and my mind like I'd never pushed it before but let me just say that fighting rounds brought out the cry baby in me...literally!  I cried, I mean boo hoo cried the entire time I would spar and fight rounds.  I wouldn't stop but the tears would flow, I wasn't hurt but the tears kept flowing.  I couldn't and still can't explain why I'm a crier, but I am.  This picture was taken after my Brown Belt test (fighting ten 2 minute rounds & running a mile & showing forms) and I could and can still feel how proud my dad was of me.  Let me just say that my dad was usually proud of me for the day to day things but this was an unbelievable feeling I felt from him.  He was my corner man and talked me through the entire test and wiped my tears inbetween rounds.  My dear friend and Sensei April was amazing.  Sensei Pollman taught me to be more stoic and to breathe while taking a hit.  Like I said pushed my mind and body like never before and made my dad proud!

Life got busy and boys started school and I put karate on back burner and eventually quit.  I just thought oh well, at least I got my Brown Belt.  Then during my stay with mom & dad during his last weeks, dad told me that I'd finish my Black Belt!  I said, "Oh no, probably not.  I've got 4 boys now and super busy!"  But he was insistent on telling me that I'd finish and I just agreed.  In my mind I was thinking no way could I go back and finish it without him there, no way!  Funny thing about life, never say never!

A few months after dad died, Ryler was beginning to have some major anger about things and I knew I needed to get him focused and his energy channeled, or I was going to fight him everyday!  The first thing that popped into my mind was karate, so I called and enrolled us both.  I thought it'd be good for the both of us.  What started out as a focus to help Ryler has turned out to be my blessing and challenge!  Life sure is funny.  I didn't give much thought to how I'd feel going back to the dojo and probably good thing I hadn't.  The first day all I wanted to do was cry and not because it was killer workout but because my mind was flooded with great memories of my dad!  It's funny the things make your heart throb and knock the wind out of you all at the same time.  I loved thinking about all the memories with my dad but my heart also ached for him to be here.  Then it hits me all over again that he's really gone and not coming back and that makes my whole body hurt.  It hurts for awhile then I smile because I can hear my dad...keep on living kid, keep on living!  When I think about him saying those words to me all I can think about is his strength.  What amazing strength he has/had to be able to be positive and encourage me knowing he was dying and his time left was limited!

I hope I have that kind of strength and give that to my boys.  It's an unbelievable blessing to give everyone that's still left living to encourage them to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON knowing you won't be here.  Some days I feel like I have all that strength and other days I feel like going back to bed because I don't have anywhere near the strength to make it through the day.  On those days I may cry, scream, or whatever is needed but only for a little while because before too long I can hear my dad telling me to suck it up buttercup!  On the really hard days I can not only hear him but I can feel him...that flick on the back of the arm he used to give me.  It's then that I can get the strength to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I'm still taking karate and loving it.  However, this time I'm not as focused on the next belt but more focused on the journey!  It's all about the journey!

Today...

Am I really old enough to have a teenage son???  I mean really, I don't feel old enough!  I probably look it but I certainly don't feel it!  I so don't know why this is getting to me but it is!  Not only do I have a 13 year old son but a double digit (10 year old) son as well.  This has been bugging me too...my sweet Ryler is 10, where did 10 years go?  I have Trevin who is 5 and Gentry who is 18 months and thank God I have these two!  I look at them and think that Garrin & Ryler should be that age, and then I quickly realize I'm losing time with my precious babies!  Why does time have to go by so fast?  I think about all the things I want to do with my kiddos and think how am I going to fit all this in because they are all growing up way too fast and I'm running out of time!  Oh my, I'm running out of time!

I just saw a quote that said you can always make more money but you can never make more time!

Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks.  I'm never going to get more time with my kiddos!  I could start crying here and sometimes I do!  I wish sometimes that I had the knowledge of an old person so I would know how important time spent well is...this is one of those moments when you go oh wow!  How come I didn't understand this before?  I may not have understood it before but I do now, so it's time to make the most of today!

Nothing really stays the same forever.  I'm learning to embrace today and make the most of it.  I can't get yesterday back and tomorrow isn't here yet so I must use today!

Live & Let Live

Live & Let Live

     I have a favorite pink faded tee that has this printed on it in yellow, LIVE AND LET LIVE!  I bought it because I absolutely believe that.  However, I'm learning that most do not.  They might say they believe that but their actions speak louder than words.  I'm just wondering why our society makes it ok for us to be judgemental of others.  I believe that we live in America, the greatest country ever.  Because men and women, past, present, and future have fought in many wars foreign and domestic just so that we may have the right to believe & speak our own opinions!  For that I'm thankful!

     I've just realized over the past couple of weeks how judgmental people can be and it reminded me of a story...I was in high school and had a friend that invited me to a Bible study.  Growing up we went to church, not regularly, and my dad went on occasion.  So I went to this Bible study and when I got home my dad asked me what I had learned.  I was a typical teenager with a lot of attitude!  I just said, "Oh you know stuff in the Bible, stuff you wouldn't know about!"  Whoa, did I really say that?  Yes, I did and what I learned next is way more valuable than anything I've ever learned in a Bible study!  My dad snapped those dark eyes at me and said, "Why don't you sit your little smart ass down!"  I remember thinking oh my, I smarted it off big time!  So he asked me what we had discussed at Bible study and I began telling him and before I could get out my Bible to refer to the notes I had taken he started quoting scripture.  Yes that's right, he was quoting scripture from the Bible without a Bible in front of him!  He was going so fast and quoting books in the Bible that I had never heard of!  I just stopped trying to flip around in the Bible and listened with wide eyes and awe!  So after a little while my dad so kindly pointed out that he thought he has raised me better than this.  I felt absolutely awful!  He explained that we are not to be judgmental of one another and that no where in the Bible did it say that we should judge others.  I have yet to find that we should be judgmental in the great book!  Dad explained to me that just because something doesn't appear to be a certain way doesn't mean that it is and that it's not our job to judge others in any way, shape, form, or fashion!  Talk about an amazing life lesson that my dad took the time to teach me.  He explained that just because someone doesn't look like I think they should doesn't mean that they don't have everything they need or want, that just because someone doesn't go to church on a regular basis doesn't mean they don't have a belief!  Who am I to judge!

     So here's my thoughts...LIVE AND LET LIVE!  Don't judge me because I don't conform to your thoughts afterall we are all responsible and will all have to answer for our own thoughts and actions!  So I hope that I'm not judgmental to others for their choices and that others will show me the same respect.  I will teach this life lesson to my boys and how important it is and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Sunsets

     Love the Oklahoma sunsets!  My dad always loved the sunsets and sunrises.  He told me over and over again how important it was to stop and take it in.  He said, "Even if it's just for a few minutes, stop and look at the beauty because you'll only get a chance to see so many."  At times I'd think yeah, yeah, ok dad but as time goes on I realize more and more of what he was talking about.  I still think that his experience in Vietnam had a huge impact on his outlook on life.  He told me "Kid, you don't go into war and see the things war brings and not be right with God!"  I think about that often and how he was always telling me to stop and watch the sunset.  Just knowing that nothing stays the same forever and that you must enjoy the right now!  There's no guarantee of tomorrow!  When you really stop and think about how true this is, it can take your breath away!

     My dad could find the happy in the everyday tasks and even til his death, he was always finding the happy.  I love that and I want to be like that...HAPPY!  I think it takes constant effort to find the HAPPY.  It seems our society/world tends to focus on the down side of life and the negative but I refuse to let that take my HAPPY!  Sometimes I feel guilty for living life and having fun because my dad is not here but I can feel him and know that I'm making him proud.  I just keep remembering what he told me, "Just keep on living kid, keep on living!"  So I stop and look at the sunsets and take a few pics knowing that I'm making my dad proud.  I miss him more and more as time goes on but knowing he gave me all the skills to keep on living is the best gift I could've ever asked for!  Now that is what I focus on giving my boys, the ability to keep on living after I die.  I strongly believe this is the most important lesson a parent can give a child.

     Enjoy the sunset...keep on living...teach my boys the important life lessons...and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

   

A year later...

A year later...


          It's been a little over a year since my hero moved on from this earth to his next journey.  I don't feel much different than I did a year ago, I still pick up the phone to call my dad only to realize that I can't!  I still think I hear him coming in the drive and honestly I keep thinking he's gone on a job and will be home soon.  Then I stop and think and realize nope, he's not coming back.  And my breath is taken away all over again.  The pain floods my body and tears start to well up and then the boys bring me back to reality and I pull myself together.  And the few things that keep me going in the right direction are my faith and remembering that my dad told me to keep on living.

     Watching my dad die brings a new perspective to life.  I never have been one that cared too much about what others are doing or what others have, I pretty much march to the beat of my own drum.  But after watching his journey on earth end, I really don't care what others think, do, or have and I'm even more outspoken than before!  I realize that life's circumstances affect everyone in many ways and I have gained a new understanding for how others deal with their circumstances.  I am definitely a Live and Let Live kind of girl.  It's hard to imagine how life's circumstances will change you or how you will handle whatever comes your way but I've learned there's one certain in life and that is CHANGE!  Things will always change, always.

     This has been a year of firsts without my dad but then when you really stop and think about things, isn't everyday a day of firsts?  There will never be another today, so I firmly believe that we should all live everyday to the fullest.  Now I don't get all worked up over the things that I used to, now don't get me wrong, I'm still very passionate about many many things.  However, I do try to embrace what I can and go with the flow more than I ever have and I'm thankful to learn this and to keep learning!  Life's hard and most certainly not fair (that's something my dad taught me!) but it's the most amazing ride and even better if you'll stop and enjoy the in's and out's of everyday life.  At times I find myself cranky about little things and I can hear and feel my dad saying, "Enjoy it, kid!  It won't last forever so make the most of it right now!"  He told me that many many times and I'd understand for just a little while but  now it really sticks and I'm so thankful for these life lessons!

     I will never forget my dad telling me to "keep on living, kid, keep on living!"  He told me that the day I went to check on him and realized his eyes were yellow and that he was coming near the end of his journey here.  I look back on those words and I'm so thankful that he had the strength to give me that gift!  So I will "KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!"

Trinity

Dumbing down America!

This is a real warning label! 

DUMBING DOWN AMERICA...

     I can't even begin to express my frustration with this!  I really don't know why it bothers me so, but it does!  I wish I could just let stuff like this go but I just can't wrap my mind around this.  I wonder if no one else notices or cares that our country is being dumbed down faster than going through the drive through at McD's.  I'm a little bit of a conspiracy theory person, ok ok maybe a big conspiracy theory  person.  I wish sometimes I could live in what I like to call "the bubble" but once you know something you can't un-know it.  My dad used to say that thinking was hard, I didn't really understand exactly what he meant but it's becoming more and more clear.

     Did you ever stop to think that the marketing people are doing a great job at keeping us so focused on buying or getting more stuff that we stop thinking for ourselves?  It's all about whatever sells...basically it's all about the money!  Yes that's right, it's all about the money!  So we've become so worried about making the buck that we can no longer think for ourselves?  We are too busy working at a job that we probably don't really like to make the buck to buy the crap that we really don't need and it's a vicious cycle.  We have become the hamster on the wheel going round and round.  Why?  Why have we allowed this to happen and why do we allow it to keep happening?

     So this little card, that someone had to write and proof and print, is job justification for someone.  We have become a society that has to have warning labels on everything!  Why?  Because we might get hurt?  Because we might get sued?  Or because we might have to actually think!  Oh my, thinking for yourself...now that's a novel concept!  This is just the beginning of Dumbing Down America and I'm afraid that it's going at warp speed.  Warning labels...really?  I'll stop there because I can go on and on and on...this is where you should feel sorry for my hubby for having to listen to me go on and on and on!

Trinity

Parenting...toughest job ever!

Boys new phones...at least til school's out!

Parenting...toughest job ever!

Why is it so hard to be a good parent?  I thought the hard part of parenting was when they were little.  I was wrong...it's all hard.  Well, I guess it's only hard if you do what really needs to be done.  I can remember my parents telling me that what ever my punishment was, was way harder on them than on me.  I was thinking to myself, yea right!  Well now that I'm the parent, I think once again they were right!

The big boys have had a year of adjustments to say the least.  It's almost been a year since my dad, their Papa, died.  He was their babysitter from the very beginning and was their number one fan but also was hard on them too.  We homeschooled for the first nine weeks or so before starting at public school and last year they'd been at the private christian school.  So they've had quite an adjustment to add to their day to day lives.  We've tried to be understanding about all these changes but there comes a time when you just have to suck it up and deal with it.  My dad used to tell me this a lot, "Suck it up, buttercup!"  

So this is the boys first real dose of "Suck it up, buttercup!"  They didn't do anything just terrible or wrong but you know when things aren't going the direction you're trying to keep them going then something has to be done.  I know every parent thinks their child is the best and I'm really no different.  The boys had been slacking, not doing their best work at school (as in they've barely cracked a book!), not doing their chores the first time they were told, and kinda just taking on a lazy attitude.  We had put up with it long enough and I knew something had to get their attention.  So I went to the Wal-Mart and bought 2 go phones and sat out to get their attention!  

They woke up last Friday morning to a new world, one without their iPhone!  I tied bows on them and wrote them a note.  I wanted the element of surprise to get their attention and I got it!  I thought to myself, finally I'm getting their attention!  But man oh man was it so hard to do and watch.  I wanted to make it all better and give them back their iPhones but I knew that would be a huge step in the wrong direction.  I had to take a stand on what our family is all about and it had to be firm!  So with a smile on my face and a little bit of laughing, I stayed the course and stayed strong all the while thinking some day they'll thank me.  And if not then we can go to therapy together when they're 30!

So as the boys are loading up to go to school I ask them if they have their phones and my oldest says, "No, not taking it!"  Oh that was the icing on the cake for this momma!  I began to spit words out as fast as I could explaining that his phone is for MY convenience not HIS!  How dare you to be so ungrateful for all that you've been given.  Then I hugged him even though he was fuming mad at me and told him just how much I loved him.  My heart was breaking even though I knew I was doing the right thing!

Why is it so hard to do the right thing?  Why?  Well I don't know but I'm standing my ground.  Praying that we are making the right decisions and being the uncool parent...yup that's us and we are proud of it!  So I've decided that being a parent is the hardest job ever but so worth it.  I've been given the responsibility to mold and shape these boys into men and productive citizens of society, ones that can live on their own without me, stand up for what they believe in, and be awesome husbands and daddys.  This is not to be taken lightly and I will do whatever it takes! 

Trinity 

Learning more...

     I'm learning more and more each day, after all everyday is a training day!  At least that's what my dad taught me, that everyday is a training day.  In some way, shape, or form we all learn something everyday.  Now what we do with what we learn is left up to us as individuals.  I've decided that I want to use whatever it is I learn everyday for the betterment of me and my family.  With that thought process, I realize that this isn't the easy road!  Sometimes I wish I could go with the easy road because it's exhausting to stand for what you know is right.  At times I feel like I can't keep fighting for what I know in my heart and soul to be right but giving in is NOT an option.  I couldn't live with myself if I gave in just because it was easier.  I can hear my dad, "Suck it up buttercup!" So I will because that's what a daddy's girl does!

     I've come to the realization that not everyone can or will stand up for their beliefs.  I don't understand this and believe me I've tried!  So here's my thoughts...if you love someone, be it your family or friend, then you love all of them.  You don't just love them when it's convenient for you or when they believe or think like you, you love them for who they are.  What I don't understand is that most people don't feel like they can be who they really are for fear of hurting someone's feelings.  Really!?  Have we become a society so worried about hurting someone's feelings that we will sway whatever direction to make them feel more comfortable?  It seems to be more and more that way.  Well let me just say that's not me!!!  If you're my family or friend then I'll love you for who you are, not for who I want or think you should be.  My dad told me on more than one occasion that if I didn't agree with him, then he'd done his job as my parent to teach me to be an independent thinker and not be a sheep!  So why do I keep fighting the good fight?  Sometimes I wonder but I can tell you this much...I KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON because that's one of the amazing life lessons that my dad taught me and I must teach that to my 4 boys!

     I will teach them to be independent thinkers and then kick myself when they grow up and don't think just like me!  I will teach them to love those that are close to them no matter what their differences may be and I will teach them to have a "set"!  This is a whole other post about having a "set"...by this I mean teaching my boys to be men, real men.  I'll stop there and write about that later because I could go on and on about this topic!  But most important I will teach them by my actions to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Strength!

     Last year this week my life as well as my entire family's life was changing.  If you really stop and think about it though, aren't our lives always changing?  I mean nothing really stays the same forever, nothing!  Time keeps going no matter how much we try to slow it down or stop it just for a little while. So why do we think things will never change?  I can remember thinking my babies would sleep with us forever, I'll always be friends with so and so, I'll always have my family and our health but we all know that's not true.  So I wonder why it's so hard to change or accept change?  I'm sure everyone deals with change in their own way and I'm learning to handle change in my own way.

     It was the Monday after Spring Break and I had just dropped off the older boys for school.  I usually call my dad after I drop them off but that particular day I decided to go see mom & dad.  They live about 20 minutes away and Trevin & Gentry were still in their pj's but I just had this notion to drive and actually see my parents.  On our way Trevin asks where are we going and I tell him to see O'ma and Papa.  He said, "Good deal because that devil has been kicking Papa all night, all night momma!"  I said, "Oh really!"  I was shocked to hear him say that and knew in the pit of my stomach that he was right.  So on our way we prayed for Papa and enjoyed our drive.  I called about 5 minutes outside of town to let them know we were almost there!  I could hear relief in my mom's voice but didn't understand why.

     We walk in and my dad is sitting leaned up against the couch on the magnet mattress on the floor and I just wanted to cry.  I didn't just want to cry, I wanted to scream and cry, I wanted my dad to give me a hug and tell me everything's going to be alright but I knew this was not a time for things to be about me and my feelings.  Trevin went with my mom to the kitchen and I sat down on the magnet bed on the floor next to my dad and we began to talk.  He was asking all about the boys as usual and I finally changed the subject to him.  I asked him how he was doing and he was like, "Oh good, just had a rough night!"  I looked him in the eyes and said, "Dad, your eyes are yellow!"  And what he said next shows more strength than I will ever know.  He said, "Yes, I know kid!  This is IT!"  I wanted to freeze, run away, change what was really happening but I didn't.  I said, "Ok, dad what do you want me to do?"  I was totally not prepared to hear what he said next.  He said, "Be here when you can but other than that just keep on living kid, just keep on living!"  I said, "Ok, really what do you want me to do?"  He said again, "Keep on living!"  I asked him if he wanted to see the boys and I already knew his answer, NO!  He'd said all along that he didn't want the boys to see him "go down for the count".  So of course out of respect for my dad, the boys never saw him again.  Thankfully my mother in law stepped in and took care of Trevin, Ryler, and Garrin and Gary for about six weeks without hesitation.  I don't know what I would've done without her!  So the last time they saw him was when he came out to see them over Spring Break and then they went home and stayed with him and O'ma for 3 days.  In some regard I feel like that was the best and in others I don't but that's the way it was!

     I think about the strength it took for my dad to know that it was coming to an end and still have a smile on his face and be encouraging to others.  I mean, WOW!  I don't know if I'd be able to handle it like that.  He showed more strength as time went on and when I think back on different things in my life, I realize he showed strength more times than not.  But for as much strength as my dad showed my mom showed more!  She's an amazing woman in so many ways that I'll never know.  I knew dad was never the same after his heart surgery but I never knew just how much things were different for my mom.  Dad never slept through the night after he came home from the hospital and had terrible pain, and my mom slept on the couch next to him and was up and down during the nights with him.  She could've sunk into a deep depression but she didn't!  She kept on going, no matter how hard it was or how she was feeling.  She became caretaker for dad and taking care of everything else as well.  She didn't leave him for more than a couple of hours and never complained!  I never even really knew just what all she was going through but now I realize she had strength just like my dad!  I really don't know how she did it!  Like I said, she's an amazing woman!  I love that I'm like her in more ways as time goes on.

     I was blessed with two AMAZING parents!  I have felt unconditional love, seen physical, emotional, and spiritual strength, and watched two people love each other with passion that movies only try to portray.  To say I've been blessed is an understatement!  I've had the best of the best and I will teach my boys all about these two amazing people and all that they've done for me.  So with that being said, I WILL KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON because that's what I've witnessed!

Trinity

Speaking the truth...hearing the truth

Trevin, Papa Clovis, & Gentry

How do you comfort and encourage your child when they're hurting?  This is something that I never want to deal with but life's not always about what we want!  I'm learning that with one of the toughest life lessons I've had thus far.  Let me just say that it's hard no matter how you look at it and that you just have to grin and bear it because life goes on!  

A few weeks ago, it's taken me this long to be able to write about it, Ryler (2nd born, 9 years old) woke up and couldn't stop crying.  He was really trying to get himself ready for the day but just kept crying.  I had a feeling, you know the one that's deep in the pit of your stomach, that he was having a hard time and it was about his Papa. I just wanted to skip over how he was feeling and take away all his pain and sadness but as I prepared to hold and hug this growing boy I realized that he needed the truth no matter how hard it was to hear or speak.  Sometimes it's hard to speak the truth and hard to hear it but I knew it was one of those things that had to be done.  So I just said a little prayer and dug in.

     I asked Ryler what was wrong and he immediately began talking about Papa.  He said, "Papa said he was working on getting better but he never did!  Why, momma, why?  I don't understand how Papa was here and then he was gone, just like that!  Why?"  He sobbed and I just held him as the tears flowed down his cheeks.  Garrin took charge with Trevin & Gentry so that I could focus on Ryler.  All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and wake up tomorrow hoping it'd be better and that all this would be over.  I seriously thought about it for a few seconds before I felt my dad saying "Suck it up buttercup and deal with this like I've taught you to do!"  So I held back my tears (after all isn't that what mothers do for their babies...put them first and deal with our own feelings later!) and prepared to do some serious talking.  I asked Ryler, "Do you want to see pictures of Papa during his last days?  They aren't pretty and it doesn't look like the Papa you know."  So I got out my phone and began showing him pictures of his Papa and he wept.  I showed him the pictures of Papa and he could see just how sick and weak he was.  I began explaining the cycle of life, just as my dad had explained it to me throughout my life.  We are born, we live, then we die; this is all part of God's plan.  I explained how the things that last forever are what you can pass on...not material items...but a legacy!  I told him to think about all the things that Papa had taught him and that it's his job to teach Trevin & Gentry all those things and that by doing that Papa will live on forever!  What an awesome thing!  Finally a little spark in those dark eyes and Ryler began to understand he's got an important job to do!  I also described how Papa was giving me instructions during those last weeks.

     After we knew it was the ending, Papa didn't want any visitors and most definitely no crying around from us or anyone!  Just about everyday my dad would give me instructions and it always started out with this, "Trin, everyday you're going to have to get up and give the boys 110%, EVERYDAY!  Everyday, Trin, you're going to have to stay strong and give it your all, EVERYDAY!"  You get the idea and then he'd go on to explain all the things I needed to do and that I was strong enough to do it.  I explained to Ryler that I listened to my dad and didn't shed a tear!  Not a tear!  How could I?  He was dying and knew it and was still finding happiness and taking care of his family so I was strong and said, "ok dad, I will, Ok dad!"  I can't tell this story now without crying but at the time I didn't shed a tear.  He showed so much strength; physical, mental, emotional that I had to do just how he wanted.  So I told all of this to Ryler while my tears flowed and that we have to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  That's what Papa taught us to do and that's exactly what we will do! 

Trinity

LET THEM BE...

LET THEM BE...

     Let them be little, individual, original, fun, adventurous, happy but most of all LET THEM BE!  We all want the best for our kiddos but sometimes the best for us, as parents, is to just LET THEM BE.  As hard as it may be I think it's very important to do this with my kiddos.  I want them to be just as God intended them to be, not what society thinks they should be or what I think they should be.  So here's the story that this picture reminded me of...

     My dad was great at letting me be me and encouraged me to think for myself.  I think sometimes he was rethinking this when I wouldn't think just as he did about things.  Most people thought and still think that I am just like my dad and that I think like him too.  Interesting enough, dad and I don't think the same about everything.  He loved to challenge me when I didn't think along his same lines, which was always fun!  I admired this about my parents teaching me to think for myself even if it meant that I wouldn't think or do things just they way they wanted.  It's a gift they've given me and I'm going to give it to my boys.  With four boys, I can only imagine what individuals they'll turn out to be and I'm sure that we won't always see eye to eye.  I'll just have remind myself that I succeeded if they don't think exactly like me!

     I was about four, same age as Trevin is now in this picture, and I had quite a sense of style.  My dad worked odd hours in the oilfield and my mom worked for Southwestern Bell Telephone.  I remember my dad usually taking me to preschool and my mom picking me up.  So what's a little girl to do when her mom leaves for work early in the morning, well play in her momma's makeup of course!  I loved and still do love makeup (even though you'd never know it now because I wear very little!).  I can still remember my mom's makeup laid out on the bathroom counter.  I would climb on the toilet over to the counter and I was in heaven!  I had watched my mom and would do just like she did.  Every little girl wants to be just like her momma and I was no different even though I was quite a bit tomboy.  So I just had the best time using all the same makeup that my mom used and made myself beautiful.  Now I don't know if my dad really thought I looked as beautiful as I thought I did but he made me feel like a beautiful princess, just like he made my mom feel I'm sure.  He let me wear it to preschool and I will never forget feeling like the most special little girl in the world walking into school looking like what I think is awesome.  The other little girls were like, "WOW!".  Now that I'm a parent I'm thinking the other moms and teachers were probably thinking how sad, that little girl has to have her dad bring her to school and he didn't even know how to get her here without her getting into everything.  What they didn't realize is that I had the best of both worlds!  It didn't matter what those people thought of me, my dad thought I was beautiful and that I'd done a good job with 'honey's' (that's what my mom & dad call each other, honey) makeup.  I got to be just like my mom and my dad thought I was just as beautiful as my mom.  I mean seriously how much better can it get for a little girl?

    Last week my sweet Trevin was so proud of himself when he put on this tie with his school shirt and I had to just smile.  I took his picture and told him how good he looked and sent him on his way.  He dressed himself and was super proud and I couldn't have been happier.  I just sat in the car after he got out and cried for my dad.  I would've text him that picture and then he'd call me up and we'd laugh and talk and he'd tell me how much he loved it.  Then we'd talk about the story above or some other time that I was spreading my wings showing my individuality!  And dad would always tell me what a good job I was doing with the boys and remind me not to worry about what others or society thinks.  Man do I miss him!  I miss sharing all this with him!  I miss hearing his voice!  I miss his advice!  I miss his laugh, oh man his laugh was the best!  I guess I just miss my best friend, who just happens to be my dad next to Gary of course.  So I pulled myself together and drove home thinking about all the awesome memories and life lessons I have from my dad.  I thought about how I want to have the same with my boys and their kiddos.  I thought about how life goes on, just like dad taught me.  I thought about how he'd always tell me that material things will come and go but it's what you instill and the memories you make that will get passed on from generation to generation.  Then with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye, I knew my dad would be proud and that I will always miss him!  But I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON just like he taught me.

Trinity

Please excuse the past and present tense usage...it's still hard for me to consistently use past tense!  I may never completely use past tense, and guess what I don't really care.  We all have our own ways to deal with things.  My parents taught me to be me, so that means I don't have to handle this like everyone else or how society thinks I should.  Thanks for reading and I really need a sarcasm font! 

It's the Little Things...

It's the little things...

     I've always heard It's the Little Things...in life that make the big things.  I think I'm finally beginning to understand that statement at the ripe old age of 35.  When I really stop and think about things (all kinds of things) it's not the big things that make the everyday go round.  It's all the little things that make the big things.  Can you tell I've had lots of time to think lately?  Healing up from foot surgery has blessed me with the time to think about a lot of things!

     Yesterday my hubby brought home these...ear tags for the cattle...hot pink, orange, and blue.  Yes hot pink!  I can't help but smile just looking at these.  I know that sounds completely crazy but let me explain.  It hasn't been that long ago that I could've cared less about the happenings on the farm.  After all I was busy running my own business and having babies (we had 2 at that time) and doing all the things that I THOUGHT were so important.  As time went I on I knew I wasn't living life as it should be but kept on the course because after all I wasn't a quitter.  I worked many hours and late nights and weekends while my dad was taking care of my kiddos.  Gary worked long hours between his day job at the gas company and then his almost full time farming operation in the evenings and weekends.  We met ourselves coming and going.  My whole being felt twisted and stretched to the max just trying to do it all.  Looking back I can't believe I lived like that for so long.  I guess I'm just a little hard headed, ok I'm a lot hard headed!

     Fast forward a few years and I'm beginning to understand all the things my dad was trying to tell me over the years.  Everyday is a training day!  Things began to change out of necessity after dad had his heart attack, he was never the same even though he tried to stay the same.  In our many talks dad really encouraged me to quit working, focus on my family, have another baby (actually he said have as many babies as you can!), help on the farm & learn all about the farm, and to just live the awesome life I already had waiting on me!  So after much encouragement from mom and dad I finally told Gary that I wanted to quit working and focus on our family and the farm.  To my surprise, Gary was more than thrilled and excited about making these changes.  I'd never asked him how he wanted things to be, I just did how I thought things needed.  Things really began to change and for the better.  I don't know why we fight change so much.  I've fought change my whole life in some way or another but slowly I'm learning to embrace it.  After all you can't change the fact that life is always changing.  Nothing stays the same forever!

     Now I'm in the midst of learning about our farming operation, being full time momma, and loving every minute of it.  I think back over all the conversations I had with my dad and realize how much he wanted all this for me, for us.  He wanted me to just live and be happy doing it.  I've realized it's not what you drive, where you live, what you wear, or how far you climb society's ladder...what matters is living life and loving it.  For me that means being a good wife to my amazing hubby, being the best momma I can be to my 4 awesome boys, learning all about the farming operation, and pushing myself to learn and try new things all while being thankful for all that God has blessed me with.  

     So I just love these hot pink ear tags for the cattle and can't wait to help Gary and the boys use them!  It's the Little Things...that will help me to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

The Value of...

Garrin doing my Wal-Mart shopping.

The Value of...

     I'm going on 3 weeks of no driving after foot surgery so all my boys have had the opportunity to shine showing all their abilities.  Having to stay off my foot and this entire process is a different post all together, it's been trying to say the least.  However, I've learned a lot and I've watched the boys in my house grow.  I've learned The Value of...many things but this one in particular stands out.  The Value of giving my children the knowledge of how to live life, take care of things and people, and to survive without me is absolutely priceless.

     The other day I sent my oldest, Garrin who is almost 13, into the dreaded Wal-Mart with fifty bucks and a very short list.  I sat in the car as I watched him walk with confidence and a little bit of 'oh yeah I'm a stud' into the building.  I became flooded with many different emotions; proud, happy, thankful, scared. I thought to myself, did I really just send him into the store to get my groceries?  What if someone tries to take him or hurt him?  Then I calmed down and realized that I've given him all the tools he needs to take care of this or I wouldn't have sent him.  When I say tools I mean the knowledge, we've talked about being aware of your surroundings and that yes there are very mean people out in this great big world that wish to harm others.  And of course he had his cell phone.  My parents would send me into the grocery store when I was his age and that was before cell phones!  Ok yes you can stop laughing at the before cell phones.  I thought about how times have changed from when I was growing up.  I felt so proud and thankful that he was happy to do this for me.  I felt happy that my little baby boy was growing into such a responsible young man.  Oh and yes a little sad at the same time.  Why does time have to go by so fast?

     As I sat in the car I remember my dad teaching me many many things about life and taking care of things.  When I asked him why do I have to do this or learn about this, his response was, "I will fail at being your parent if I don't teach you how to survive without me because there will come a time when I won't be here.  You will have to take care of things on your own and I want to be the one to teach you!"  I remember dad telling me that over and over growing up and I began to understand on a completely different level.  I mean what could be worse than leaving your child unable to take care of themselves?  So I will do just as I was taught and teach my boys how to go on living without me!  I think that's one of the best gifts a parent can give a child.  Even if it is the hardest thing to do, it's a super important task as a parent.

     The Value of...teaching my boys to go on living without me is a priceless gift that I will take pride in doing!  It is my job as their parent to teach them, not to be their best friend.  I love my boys and I love spending time with them, that's why it's hard to let them go, but it's a must!  There is a value of letting go and watching them soar, it's hard to do and I'm just in the beginning phases of letting go.  But I will and I will watch and say just look at what I did, I taught them to go on living and how to do it.  What better accomplishment can a parent have than that?  After all, our children are really on loan from God.  They're his and we're just suppose to guide and teach for a short amount of time.  

     I know my dad would be proud and I know he's watching over us.  This journey is hard but he did a great job of preparing me for life without him here and I intend to do the same for my boys.  I've been told that we're strict parents and hard on our kids but we're not going to change our parenting style to fit into society.  We (Gary & I are on the same page when it comes to how we are raising our boys!) will keep on the path no matter how hard it is because we have strong convictions about raising these boys God has blessed us with.  The Value of...teaching, letting go and everything in between...is hard but so worth it!  So we will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON...

Trinity