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| Trevin, Papa Clovis, & Gentry |
A few weeks ago, it's taken me this long to be able to write about it, Ryler (2nd born, 9 years old) woke up and couldn't stop crying. He was really trying to get himself ready for the day but just kept crying. I had a feeling, you know the one that's deep in the pit of your stomach, that he was having a hard time and it was about his Papa. I just wanted to skip over how he was feeling and take away all his pain and sadness but as I prepared to hold and hug this growing boy I realized that he needed the truth no matter how hard it was to hear or speak. Sometimes it's hard to speak the truth and hard to hear it but I knew it was one of those things that had to be done. So I just said a little prayer and dug in.
I asked Ryler what was wrong and he immediately began talking about Papa. He said, "Papa said he was working on getting better but he never did! Why, momma, why? I don't understand how Papa was here and then he was gone, just like that! Why?" He sobbed and I just held him as the tears flowed down his cheeks. Garrin took charge with Trevin & Gentry so that I could focus on Ryler. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and wake up tomorrow hoping it'd be better and that all this would be over. I seriously thought about it for a few seconds before I felt my dad saying "Suck it up buttercup and deal with this like I've taught you to do!" So I held back my tears (after all isn't that what mothers do for their babies...put them first and deal with our own feelings later!) and prepared to do some serious talking. I asked Ryler, "Do you want to see pictures of Papa during his last days? They aren't pretty and it doesn't look like the Papa you know." So I got out my phone and began showing him pictures of his Papa and he wept. I showed him the pictures of Papa and he could see just how sick and weak he was. I began explaining the cycle of life, just as my dad had explained it to me throughout my life. We are born, we live, then we die; this is all part of God's plan. I explained how the things that last forever are what you can pass on...not material items...but a legacy! I told him to think about all the things that Papa had taught him and that it's his job to teach Trevin & Gentry all those things and that by doing that Papa will live on forever! What an awesome thing! Finally a little spark in those dark eyes and Ryler began to understand he's got an important job to do! I also described how Papa was giving me instructions during those last weeks.
After we knew it was the ending, Papa didn't want any visitors and most definitely no crying around from us or anyone! Just about everyday my dad would give me instructions and it always started out with this, "Trin, everyday you're going to have to get up and give the boys 110%, EVERYDAY! Everyday, Trin, you're going to have to stay strong and give it your all, EVERYDAY!" You get the idea and then he'd go on to explain all the things I needed to do and that I was strong enough to do it. I explained to Ryler that I listened to my dad and didn't shed a tear! Not a tear! How could I? He was dying and knew it and was still finding happiness and taking care of his family so I was strong and said, "ok dad, I will, Ok dad!" I can't tell this story now without crying but at the time I didn't shed a tear. He showed so much strength; physical, mental, emotional that I had to do just how he wanted. So I told all of this to Ryler while my tears flowed and that we have to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON! That's what Papa taught us to do and that's exactly what we will do!
Trinity
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