Somewhere around every 28 days a woman's body morphs into all kinds of crazy. I'm amazed at what my body can do, I can actually grow another person, but sometimes I'm completely freaked out by the wide range of emotions that I can go through in just a few short days. I'm sure my house full of boys are freaked out as much as I am. My dad had a saying about a woman's cycle (WARNING, it's crude...) He would say, "Anything that can bleed for 7 days and doesn't die, don't fuck with it!" I told you it was crude! Oh but it's so true! Some months I can conquer the world and others it's all I can do to make it through the day without crying the whole time. Sometimes I feel like I can kick butt and take names and other times I feel so weak.
Last week I decided to paint a wall and it's turned into the whole room and it all started with the thought of taking down my little guys crib. Just a note, I'm not happy about my baby growing up! My big boys were rearranging their rooms and going through stuff and said, "Mom, let's go ahead and take down Gentry's crib, he's ready to start sleeping in a big boy bed!" I just started bawling, not crying, bawling! Garrin, 13, and Ryler, 10, just looked at me with blank stares and hugged me and said, "It's ok, we don't have to. We can do however you want." I just hugged them and went outside and cried and cried and cried. Did I mention that I cried? I couldn't stop crying for the rest of the day. The boys tried their best to console me but they were super happy when daddy got home. Looking back I see how they were looking to daddy to see what to do and they were soaking it all in. Gary walked in and just hugged me and kept telling me it's going to be alright. There's nothing better than your man holding you and telling you it's all going to be alright. The boys kept telling daddy how happy they were that he was home! At times I think I shouldn't let the boys see me cry and carry on but really I would be doing them an injustice. They are growing up and will date and marry someday...they need to know that women have emotions and that it's ok!
So back to my baby growing up...my oldest will be in 7th grade, Ryler 5th grade, Trevin is going to Kindergarten (oh my!!!), and Gentry is almost 2...I'm super thankful they are spread apart in age. I don't like back to school time at all! I think about a new year starting and how little time I have left with my boys, I wonder if I've taught them all that I need to teach them, I wonder if I've spent enough time with them and truly enjoyed them. It just kills me. So when the big boys suggested we take down the crib it just all hit me hard. Then I remember what my dad would tell me when I would get all upset about the boys growing up...he'd say, "Trin, do you want them to be titty babies and live with you for the rest of their life? You've got a job to do and you're doing it. Nothing stays the same forever. Just enjoy the ride because it only gets better. Now go hug them up and prepare to send them on their way." I couldn't help but smile in amongst my crying eyes. I know my dad is right and I'm doing just like he's instructed me to do but man is it hard! Then it hit me hard that dad won't be here to see the boys and help me guide them or teach me how to be a better parent and then I started crying all over again. It was like a hurricane of emotions that couldn't be tamed. To top that off, that night I went to karate, I forced myself because all I wanted to do was go to bed. We started a 2 month training on ground fighting (self protection if attacked scenarios) and it was all I could do to get through class without crying like a baby. My dad always wrestled with me and was constantly training me to be prepared for the unthinkable at any given time. He'd always say, "The bad guys aren't going to warn you or give you a heads up before they attack you. You've always got to be thinking, kid!" So as we were working on the ground fighting all I could think about was my dad. I thought about all he taught me and how much fun we had but most of all how much I miss him.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and how much I miss him and all that he taught me. Some days I'm super sad and others I miss him but most days I count my many blessings for all the time he spent teaching me and preparing me to live life without him here. I love that I can hear him and his life lessons loud and clear. So I may be sad and cry about my babies growing up but I WILL teach and train them to live life to the fullest, to be brave men that are sensitive to the women in their lives and I will let them go & grow. After all I must KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
Trinity
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