I've been busy working on a book idea and I've come to a stand still...I will finish it! I think why am I doing this and no one will read it and then I think oh yes they'll read it and it'll help someone else. So for the moment I'm fighting an inner battle...which is something it seems I do a lot. Oh well, it could always be worse! So I thought I'd get back to my blog, since this is how I started writing to begin with.
Ever ask someone how they're doing when in all actuality you really didn't care? Well I think we are all guilty of it. I mean really who wants to hear about someone's body functions or how bad things are...they can always be worse, ALWAYS! My parents always told me that things could always be worse, so stop whining around and feeling sorry for yourself. I find myself thinking this often when talking with others and some say I don't have much compassion. Maybe I don't, but I think I have some! With all of that let me begin...
...Some one asked me the other day, "How are you doing? You seem to be doing good since your dad passed away!" And the bubble above my head said so much but I just smiled and said, "Good and yes, I don't have time to be anything but good!" As I walked off to continue my day I couldn't help but think of so many things that I want to say...
First of all, I wanted to say how dare you judge me for doing so good since my dad "passed away"! You don't even know me or what I'm feeling, just because I don't walk around showing my emotions all over my face (trust me I have lots of emotions...you should feel for my husband!) I must be doing good...Seriously??? I really wanted to correct them and say since my dad died...I really don't like the whole PC term passed away...he died. Then I wanted to explain that I've got 4 boys that I've got to stay strong for and that I've got about 15 minutes in the shower to let all my emotions out and then I'd better be ready for all that they bring my way. Trust me, 4 boys can bring a lot of things my way...I'm always on guard and if I'm not and I show any kind of weakness, they gang up and go in for the kill. I wouldn't expect any different from boys and I'm glad that they keep me on my toes but somedays I just want to stay in bed and not deal with anything! Yes that's right, I want to stay in bed and not deal with it. Then I can hear my dad telling me, "Suck it up, buttercup! Life ain't easy and the only easy day was yesterday. Now put on your big girl panties because it could always be worse and just remember that nothing stays the same forever!" I just stop and smile when I think of him telling me all of that and I'm thankful for him and realize how much I miss him. It's like the wind is knocked out of me all over again only this time I can see it coming but I can't stop it. I wonder if it will ever stop. I don't know if I want it to. Weird I know but it's the truth!
Then I want to tell them that my dad told me to keep on living! He told me over and over again during his last weeks here on earth but also many times growing up. I remember him telling me that no one lives forever and that life goes on, as it should kid. I wanted to tell them that I sat and listened to my dad tell me how to keep on living life while his life was ending and that I listened without shedding tears because he didn't want any crying around. Have you ever had to listen to news and know that things would never be the same again, with the ache in your heart and queasy in your gut, but not let any of that show because you didn't want the other person to be sad or feel bad? Well, let me just say that it's not easy! Not easy at all, but I did it and I'd do it all over again. But that doesn't mean that I'm good since my dad died. I won't ever be the same! Things always change but sometimes some things change us.
I am good but only because my dad made me promise to get up everyday and give hubby and the boys my best. Some days I succeed and others, well let's just say that I made it through and I wasn't in bed! God has shown me many wonderful things during this process and I'm still learning. I hope I'm always learning. You know...just got to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
Trinity
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