Mother's Day

Mother's Day

Mother's Day...well for moms of boys it can go either way, either they're super sweet and spoil you or they treat it like any other day.  However it goes I know that I'm loved!  But I think whether you're a mom to all girls, all boys, or blessed to have both, that it's the most amazing gift/job in the world.  Tiring, full of love, test your limits, melt your heart, beyond the words to describe how awesome it is to be a mom!  So I want to write about my mom...kinda hard to do because she is pretty private but here goes...

It's funny the things that come to mind when I think about my mom when I was growing up, it's little things!  Which you know it's the little things that are really the BIG THINGS!  Let's just start out with where she's at now...4 years after my dad, the love of her life, died and she is still living life just like my dad told her to!  That right there is amazing strength in itself!  And how compassionate she is...I wish I had a fourth of her compassion!  She has a big heart for everyone and I tend to lean toward the cold side...hey, we're all a work in progress!  Like she has so much compassion for people that sometimes when we are talking and she's telling me about someone that's having a rough time or whatever the case may be, I'm like seriously?  I don't understand how you feel so much for them!  I'm thankful she has this quality and I learn everyday how to have more compassion for others!  Which brings me to how much she always takes care of others...I've watched her not eat until everyone has their plate, I've witnessed her giving the last piece of her favorite because someone else wanted it, I've watched her work tirelessly to make life easier for others around her,  donate her time to things that I would never even think about...the list goes on and on!  

She has this ability to make everyone feel welcome and listen to them with attentiveness!  She will be uncomfortable so others can be comfortable!  I've learned and I'm still learning from her!  Before I was born, she was a single momma to my sister and she did an awesome job...my sister is 17 years older than me and always been like another momma.  She turned out pretty amazing! I can't imagine how it must've been growing up with a single momma working numerous jobs but I'm sure from those experiences she learned how to be a great momma too!  I learn from her too!  I think about how much my mom has done and accomplished in her life and how much adventure she's had...more than most!  I'm in awe of her strength and compassion!  Did I mention she's compassionate?!  

So I have been blessed with an amazing mom and I'm thankful for her everyday!  From the way she patted my back when I was little, to teaching me to keep going even when I didn't think I could...no doubt I'm where I'm at today because of my mom and dad.  They were awesome by themselves but put them together and my world was pretty much perfect!  I know when my parents got married, it rocked a lot of people's world but I'm thankful they did!  And I'm thankful she didn't let my dad's second wife have all of his kids...my mom is 10 years older than my dad so when they married she said she was too old to have any kids and told my dad to let his second wife have all his kids, jokingly!  After so long, dad said ok I will...guess what my mom was pregnant with me the next month!  (That's a whole other story!)  Now that I think about it, they have a whole bunch of other stories...I'm hoping my mom will write them down!  She would have a best seller!

Thanks mom for all you do for me and my boys, for teaching me to go after whatever I want in life, for teaching me how to work, for teaching me how to pat my babies backs and tell them to "Go make up your bed".  But one of the best things I'm thankful for is showing me how to love my hubby...I learned how to love deeply and passionately from growing up watching you and dad...best gift ever!  Thank you!

Trinity

Four Years Later...

Four Years Later...

Laying in bed tonight and my mind is thinking about where I was 4 years ago...and what has transpired over these years.  It makes me happy and sad all at the same time! It's funny, life!  Just when you get used to things being a certain way, they change.  Sometimes it's a subtle change and sometimes it's gut wrenching but I'm learning it's always changing.  The most important thing is how you handle the changing...not gonna lie...some days I handle it great and some days I fail miserably!  But everyday I get up and do...just like my dad told me to.

Four years ago I had spent the last 6 weeks with my mom and dad.  Gentry was with us and the brightest of bright during such a difficult transition.  He was just about 7 months old and I was still nursing him, and that was a saving grace in itself.  Just knowing that I had to keep eating and taking care of him made the transition bearable.  The hospice nurse had been by and said it wouldn't be much longer so I asked Gary to stay the night with me and my mom.  We were giving dad enough medicine to keep him comfortable even though he was just a shell at this point.  I remember thinking, "How long can this last?  How long can someone keep breathing?  How long?  Please, God, don't let this last...it's hard to watch, hard to feel, and hard to watch my mom."  I just wanted it to be over yet I didn't.  It's the most indescribable thing...kinda like having a baby.  During my time with my parents, dad talked about how, "We labor to be born and we labor to die!"  He talked about new life in Gentry and the boys and his ending...he always said, "I'm not gonna be here forever, kid, so you'd better learn how to do this now!"  The circle of life is interesting and amazing and painful. 

Well, it finally ended and we were thankful he wasn't in pain anymore but hurting because he was gone...he was gone!  We had done things just as he wanted, as hard as it was, we did it his way.  I hope that I have the strength and courage to live my life to end like my dad did.  I also hope that I'll have the strength and courage my mom has.  My parents are definitely one of a kind!  The next few hours seemed to go by in a blur...telling the boys, they knew it was coming but actually telling them was harder than I ever thought.  I just wanted to hold them in my arms and take all the pain away...but I couldn't make it go away and they've learned some hard lessons young but they've done awesome and I wish dad was here to see them now!  By the time I got home I just wanted to get in the shower and cry...then go to bed...I did but it's all a blur.  My mom went to my sister's and I came home to my house full of boys that I hadn't seen much of for a few weeks.

At times, these last few weeks, I've been back to the time I spent with my parents.  It has been a smell, the sun, the boys, the talk radio, the butterflies (they were all out and around the day dad died), little things to remind me of the big things.  I long to see, hear, and touch my dad but knowing he's out of pain makes it easier to take even though I don't understand...he was only 58...58...that's not a full life lived!  My mind has fought hard to keep on keepin on these last few weeks and my heart hurts...it hurts for different reasons now and the same ones as before...but dad used to say, "Don't try, do!"  So instead of trying to live and keep on keepin on...I am doing! 

Parenting...

Parenting...

Here's my almost teenager driving and doing a great job!  I love watching my kids drive and learn to make decisions quickly.  You can learn a lot about their personality by the way they drive.  I'm learning if you just sit back and watch,  you can learn so much!

But the sit back and watch part is hard...super hard!  Why is this parenting gig so hard?  It's the most amazing thing in the world to bring life into but oh my so challenging and there's no one right way!  Each child is different and has different needs at different times and in the mean time you're just trying to grow up, make a living, find a career, and raise these little beings to be productive citizens of society that follow God.  It's no big deal...whatever it's HUGE!  It's the most important job ever...raising kiddos!

Today has been one of those days...you know feel like you're failing at raising these kiddos, finding my purpose (or think I need to find a purpose, when all I really need to do is take care of my family... that is my purpose!) and taking care of the day to day duties of having a house full of boys and a farm!  It's days like these that I miss my dad so very much!  What I wouldn't give to hear his comforting, reassuring voice during these trying days of parenting.  So I've been gathering my thoughts and getting a plan!  My dad always said better to be proactive than always reactive...so trying to get prepared!

I laid down with Trevin to read and he had the book "Love You Forever"...I didn't want to read tonight, it was late and had a ton on my mind, but decided reading was the best choice!  I begin reading and tears start flowing down my cheeks.  A flood of emotions came over me...I remember Garrin at this age and Ryler at that age and how did it go by so fast?  Did I do everything I wanted to do with them?  Teach them all that they need to know?  Did I give it my all?  How is it going by so fast?  The tears just kept coming and Trevin looked up at me and asked if I was alright and I just smiled and said yes through the tears.  Then we talked about how I check on them after they go to sleep and pray for them and kiss them...all 4 of them (boys!).  The look on his face just took my breath away!  He said, "Mom, you really come in after we go to sleep and pray for us and kiss us?"  I said, "Absolutely!"  And his face just shined!  Gave him hugs and went to get Gentry laid down.  The tears just keep coming...a range of emotions and life is ever changing and missing my dad!  I don't think you ever "get over it" (the death of someone you love) you just learn how to live in this life without them.  Everyday you just do the best you can.  But as I laid there reading to Trevin, I begin to realize that however we've done as parents on raising our children can't be judged by anyone other than God!  And how we protect them can only last so long before they have to take responsibility for their own actions and we as parents have to let them!  Hardest job ever...Parenting!

Happy & Sad

Happy & Sad



This boy turns 8!  It's gone by super fast and he's growing into his own.  He's taught me so much about life and being a momma almost to the point that I feel like I fail him every day!  But life is a journey and I'm learning as I go.  His spirit is like none other and his zest, at times makes me crazy, is amazing to watch!
 Happy Birthday to my sweet Trevin!

This picture makes my heart happy and a little sad at the same time.  My dad would've taken him to camp and fish and shoot and teach him things all little boys should know...but he died before he got to do this.  Thankfully his buddy as stepped in and takes the boys to do these things.  I think my dad must've asked him to do this but he will never say.  I'm just thankful that someone that knew my dad can pass on the stories and teachings that my dad taught him.  So it's a happy and sad picture and it seems as time goes on that I have a lot of these!

Trevin was 1 when my dad had a heart attack and the Papa that his older brothers know and remember went away at that time.  So Trevin doesn't remember that strong, fun, won't take any s&*!, full of life, always find the positive guy...and that makes me sad.  Dad was never the same after that and he didn't get to do all the things he wanted to with Trevin, so I think maybe sometimes I try to make up for that.  Disclaimer...I'm sure my boys will be in therapy when they're 30 because of all that I did or didn't do but they'll never question if I love them!  So for the next 3 years, we watched my dad try to get a new normal but it was nothing like he was before, all while he was trying to spend time with Trevin.  I'm sure he knew he wasn't getting better and he squeezed all he could in!  Then after Spring Break in 2012 (Gentry was 6 months old, Trevin was almost 4, Ryler was almost 10, and Garrin almost 13) I stayed with my parents.  My mother in law took Trevin and they bonded, she also took care of Garrin and Ryler while Gary was working.  I took Gentry with me, I was nursing him, and it was a great gift...babies make the world go round!  The big boys never saw Papa again...

I question if I handled it the right way but I handled it how my dad wanted!  He didn't want the boys to see him sick and dying...he wanted them to remember him strong and full of life!  So I honored what my dad wanted.  I have watched the boys struggle each in their own ways and wished that my dad was here to be the voice of reason.  So here I am almost 4 years later and the boys are doing great and full of life...missing my dad everyday...growing up a little more and still realizing what's really important in life!  And let me tell ya, it ain't stuff!  That's a whole other post.  So for now I'll keep on keepin on!

Making The Best Of It!

Making The Best Of It!


I saw this the other day on Instagram and had to screen shot it!  "The secret of happiness and peace is letting every situation be what it is, instead of what you think it should be, and making the best of it." -Marcandangel

I read it and then read it again and it just struck a chord with me.  Everyone has to find their own happiness and peace, it's something that no one can do for you!

I've been in a funk the last few weeks and it's kinda taken me back to when my dad first died and I was just going through the motions.  I remember thinking that I was vertical and so I was doing ok but I was in such a fog.  I can't remember details about the next year after he died and now it makes me crazy!  How could I not remember things about the boys???  How could I not remember???  Then I start feeling like the worst mom ever because I can't remember.  I feel like sometimes I lost several months of my life.  In a world where we (as moms) are suppose to be super mom the guilt can take over!  I don't understand why, we as a society, put that pressure on mommas...that's whole other post!  Any way, back to the guilt...I've decided that it's the devil working.  And I have a rule at my house...if the devil is working on you then we kick him out and for the little boys (and when the bigger boys were little!) we go to the door and kick in the air and tell the devil to leave and that he's not welcome here.  Say a prayer and then get moving!  Last week I had a kick the devil out party and it's refreshing!  So here's where I'm at and I'm learning to be ok and embrace it...

I'm a different person now than I was when my dad was alive.  I'm in the midst of raising 4 strong willed boys, my house is never clean and my laundry...well let's just say it's never even close to being done!  I'm a #farmgirlinthemaking and still learning and trying and doing on the farm, thankfully my husband is patient and a great teacher!  I'm a single momma 2 weeks at a time while my hubby is gone working in the oil industry.  I eat way too much chocolate but workout so it's a wash, right?! I'm  too tough on my boys and I'm not tough enough.  I try and I fail!  I still cut hair very part time. I have big plans and dreams but right now I'm all about my family and as my dad used to say, "Taking care of your own teepee"!  I'm political and observe my 2nd Amendment right!  I attempt to cook and sometimes we eat out too much.  I lose my patience too often and at times I let the devil try to steal the joy of all this chaos.  But thankfully little reminders pop up in places, like this picture, and then I realize hey this is where I'm at right now and it's ok!  After all nothing stays the same forever and as long as I KEEP ON KEEPIN ON then this crazy life is bound to be good overall!

Hard Times, Good Times

Hard Times, Good Times

Spring Break brings about a flood of emotions that just takes my breath away.  It all comes back and at times it feels like I'm living it all over again and other times it seems so long ago that I can't even really recall.  Memories are awesome and heartbreaking at the same time.  And as my dad used to say, "You've got to have the hard times to appreciate the good times because if life is always good then you'd never know just how good it really is if you don't have some hard times along the way!"  This always makes me think of the verse Ecclesiastes 3...for everything there is a season.

It was 4 years ago that my older boys said goodbye to my dad, their Papa for the last time in this life, and they didn't even know it at the time!  And that's just the way my dad wanted it...no big fuss!  He often said, "No fuss, no muss!"  He knew it was coming, his time to transition to the next life, and he didn't want everyone around crying and he certainly didn't want any pity!  So Garrin and Ryler stayed with Oma and Papa for a few days over spring break and when they said good bye and love ya when they came home, they had no idea that was the last time they'd see him.  At times I wondered if we should have let them come see Papa but that wasn't what he wanted!  And I can honestly say that we (me and my mom) did exactly how he wanted and didn't stray.  As hard as it was, we did just what he wanted!  

The Monday after spring break is when my journey of helping my dad die the way he wanted began.  I will never forget this moment and it still hits me hard.  I went to see my parents on Monday after I dropped off Garrin and Ryler at school.  I had Trevin and Gentry in tow and thought we'd just go see Papa.  When I got there, I began to realize that it was serious.  But, not until my dad sat there and said these words, "Be here when you can and other than that just keep on living, just keep on living kid!"  I had just told my dad that his eyes were yellow and he said, "I know, this is it!"  I asked what do you want me to do and that's when he responded with the best gift he could have ever given!  When I've been down and felt like I couldn't keep on, I remember those words...JUST KEEP LIVING!  That's the absolute best last gift he could have given us!  I only pray that I can have that kind of strength when my time comes!

Spring break till school is out is a crazy busy time and I'm thankful it is because it's hard.  I mean hard like nothing can fix, hard!  The memories come back, then the happy thoughts and then the angry thoughts of why?  And of course the tears...lots and lots of tears at the most random of times!  I've heard it gets easier with time and there is some truth to that but I wouldn't exactly say that's true.  To say that I miss him is an understatement!  The huge hole he has left in our family is felt everyday! The pain is like none other!  But the great times in the past and the great times to come will make good times outweigh the hard times...so you know I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

The Now

THE NOW

The other day someone said they hadn't heard that my dad had passed away and they were sorry to hear about that...it hit me that we only really have this moment right now to make a mark!  I mean really think about it...we aren't guaranteed tomorrow and people come in and out of our lives so we only really have this moment...THE NOW!

My dad used to say, "Stick your hand in a bucket of water, now pull it out.  How big of a hole is left? That's how much people will remember you when you're gone!"  He would tell me this when I had overcommitted myself to way too many things, at the time I'd laugh.  He would tell me this when he was trying to tell me to live in THE NOW!  He would often tell me not to wait...use the good dishes, burn the fancy candles, stay up late, get up early, enjoy the toys strung all over your house...because we are not guaranteed today!  He stressed how important it is to live in this moment (what I refer to as THE NOW!) and not wait to enjoy life.  Sometimes that means finding the joy in the not so joyous!  He told me time and time again that even the worst of times I would look back on and long for some part of them again.  Well of course he was right...how many times have I looked back at those last few weeks with my dad and wish for them back.  Why?  I have no idea why I would ever want to go back to those unbearable days.  Maybe it's the thought of actually seeing and hearing my dad, and getting the best hug ever.  I'm not sure why I long for those days occasionally but I do and then I'm reminded of THE NOW!  

I can't remember what birthday it was (late 20's) but my mom and dad had been to OKC that day, I think to get this certain kind of coffee they made using a french press.  They were always ahead of the times trying different things.  My birthday was a few days away and my dad came in the door of my salon with this box.  My mom came in behind him and said, "Aren't you going to wait till her birthday?"  He was grinning ear to ear and said (in only a way that he could say), "Why, hell no!  I want to give it to her today...I might not be here in a few days!"  I'd laugh and say, "Where are you going?"  He would say something like, "Oh you never know and you know I'm not gonna live forever kid!"  I'd just blow it off with yeah yeah.  I realize now that he was training me constantly to live life without him and preparing me for what we all must ultimately face, death!  Why didn't I understand then?  Oh well, life is all about learning, right?  So I got the (at the time new) digital picture frame...they had just come out and I'd been eyeing one but wouldn't spend the money!  I was so excited and happy.  Now that I have kids of my own I see why he didn't wait...Life is too short and not guaranteed!  My dad lived in THE NOW and I have countless stories to share with my boys from my childhood...which was amazing in my mind! 

Back to the bucket of water...my dad may not have left a hole that others notice but he left a big hole in our family...the bucket of water has been splashed around and now some of it is gone!  I see the importance of THE NOW because that's what will fill that bucket of water back up.  We will all face death but how we live in THE NOW is what makes this life matter to those around us!  So here's to THE NOW!  And of course Keep On Keepin On! 

Trinity