Finding My Jolly...

Finding My Jolly

 

As I sit on the couch, feeling the urge to type out my wide range of emotions, my older boys are not far away doing homework and on their phones while the little boys are sound asleep.  Today has been one of those days...full of my range of emotions...which according to the men in my house there's quite a few of them!  I am not saying that I disagree with them either.  It's crazy how I can have the best of days with the worst of days all within a 12 hour period and sometimes it can go back and forth more than once!

This Christmas season I have been a little lacking in the jolly spirit.  I just kinda chopped it up to things being different this year, but this afternoon it hit me.  I was finally getting all the decorations out, thinking to myself...why do I wait to do this?  It's almost too late to even bother!  Why can't I get my act together?  This is the story of my life, always a little late with the best of intentions.  On a side note, anytime I say with the best intentions I can't help but think of my dad always saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions...either do or don't...don't intend!"  So that's going through my head as well as why do I have all this crap if I don't enjoy putting it out?  And why is Christmas so commercialized and why do I fall for it?  Why this and why that?  

After getting my tubs down from the attic, I just stood there with tears falling.  I just happened to look at the pictures I have on the wall (dare I mention that I have more than a ton of pictures & love taking pictures!).  Pictures of times in the past...when my babies were babies...when my world was whole and pure...when I didn't fully understand or appreciate just what I had!  I just stood there crying!  It's like I couldn't get a grip and I was just paralyzed in that moment!  Where had the time gone?  Why had I wasted so much of it?  How can my babies be so old?  I'll never bring a newborn baby home again, that chapter is closed.  Everyone said it'll go by fast but I didn't understand just how fast...now I feel like it's on fast forward and the end of my time with all my boys living under our roof is close to an end.  Because I know when the oldest moves out, it'll never be the same!  Nor should it be...but that doesn't make it any easier.

I finally come out of my crying coma and just sit and stare at the unfinished decorating thinking I gotta get it together and I gotta do it fast!  So now I'm in the middle of what looks like Christmas exploded all over my house.  The little boys are super excited and are anticipating all the jolly that comes with Christmas and I realize that no matter how I'm feeling that they come first!  So yes I put on my big girl panties and got an attitude adjustment...just watching them show their excitement has put things in perspective!  My dad used to say if you listen closely then kids will tell you what you need to hear...I could hear it loud and clear this evening and I'm just thankful that I stopped to listen!

So even if this Christmas is different than any before, I will make it the best I possibly can and live vicariously through my little boys.  I will be thankful for hearing my dad teach me all those life lessons along the way that I'm sure he knew I would need all throughout my life!  Finding the joy in the little things really makes the big things!  Here's to everyone out there trying to find their jolly this Christmas season...KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!