The Dance...

The Dance...

I sat next to my husband in the pickup today and my heart just filled with so many thoughts.  I don't know if it was a song on the radio or just purely being next to him while he's doing what he loves but my heart was just full of happiness.  I sat there in the quiet, while he was checking the cattle, and thought about the life we have...where we've been & what all we have done & our 4 boys...so much to be thankful for!  It's only been about 5 years since I quit my job/career to stay home and help on the farm...best decision ever!

As all the memories over the last 20 something years seemed to roll through my mind like a movie I couldn't help but sit there and smile...it kinda reminded me of Garth Brooks song, The Dance.  I loved that song and still do.  It's crazy how a song, smell, place, or even just the feel in the air can bring back memories or take you back in time!  

As the holiday season approaches I have been thinking about my childhood and all the wonderful memories I have...hoping that my boys will have the same type of wonderful memories.  And as awesome as that is, it's equally hard when someone that was apart of all those memories isn't here.  It's been four years since my dad died and moved on to his next journey and it doesn't get any easier! I had people tell me over and over that it'll get better in time...here's the deal it never gets better!  It becomes bearable but not better...you can breathe through the wind being knocked out of you but the wind still gets knocked out of you...you can hold back the tears that come at the most random of times until you are alone and let it all out...you can get up everyday and make the most of it but you still reach for the phone to call them and then realize you can't talk to them.  It doesn't get easier...you learn to live a different way than ever before!

I sat there wishing I could talk to my dad about how great things are and wishing he could see me doing what he encouraged me to do, wishing he could see the boys and all that they're doing, wishing he could see how Gary is doing all the things he's doing these days...most days I can feel his presence but some days it feels as if I'll never feel his presence again...the ever fluid feeling of grief that never goes away!  I know he'd be proud of us and all that we're doing but that still doesn't mean that I don't miss him everyday!

I would've never even thought about quitting my job had it not been for my dad and mom encouraging me...now I think about how much I missed while I was working my career...thankful that I made that scary transition to the unknown...what a wonderful life I have, even without my dad here...his lessons live on and I will do my best to teach them to my boys...and of course KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!