Four Years Later...

Four Years Later...

Laying in bed tonight and my mind is thinking about where I was 4 years ago...and what has transpired over these years.  It makes me happy and sad all at the same time! It's funny, life!  Just when you get used to things being a certain way, they change.  Sometimes it's a subtle change and sometimes it's gut wrenching but I'm learning it's always changing.  The most important thing is how you handle the changing...not gonna lie...some days I handle it great and some days I fail miserably!  But everyday I get up and do...just like my dad told me to.

Four years ago I had spent the last 6 weeks with my mom and dad.  Gentry was with us and the brightest of bright during such a difficult transition.  He was just about 7 months old and I was still nursing him, and that was a saving grace in itself.  Just knowing that I had to keep eating and taking care of him made the transition bearable.  The hospice nurse had been by and said it wouldn't be much longer so I asked Gary to stay the night with me and my mom.  We were giving dad enough medicine to keep him comfortable even though he was just a shell at this point.  I remember thinking, "How long can this last?  How long can someone keep breathing?  How long?  Please, God, don't let this last...it's hard to watch, hard to feel, and hard to watch my mom."  I just wanted it to be over yet I didn't.  It's the most indescribable thing...kinda like having a baby.  During my time with my parents, dad talked about how, "We labor to be born and we labor to die!"  He talked about new life in Gentry and the boys and his ending...he always said, "I'm not gonna be here forever, kid, so you'd better learn how to do this now!"  The circle of life is interesting and amazing and painful. 

Well, it finally ended and we were thankful he wasn't in pain anymore but hurting because he was gone...he was gone!  We had done things just as he wanted, as hard as it was, we did it his way.  I hope that I have the strength and courage to live my life to end like my dad did.  I also hope that I'll have the strength and courage my mom has.  My parents are definitely one of a kind!  The next few hours seemed to go by in a blur...telling the boys, they knew it was coming but actually telling them was harder than I ever thought.  I just wanted to hold them in my arms and take all the pain away...but I couldn't make it go away and they've learned some hard lessons young but they've done awesome and I wish dad was here to see them now!  By the time I got home I just wanted to get in the shower and cry...then go to bed...I did but it's all a blur.  My mom went to my sister's and I came home to my house full of boys that I hadn't seen much of for a few weeks.

At times, these last few weeks, I've been back to the time I spent with my parents.  It has been a smell, the sun, the boys, the talk radio, the butterflies (they were all out and around the day dad died), little things to remind me of the big things.  I long to see, hear, and touch my dad but knowing he's out of pain makes it easier to take even though I don't understand...he was only 58...58...that's not a full life lived!  My mind has fought hard to keep on keepin on these last few weeks and my heart hurts...it hurts for different reasons now and the same ones as before...but dad used to say, "Don't try, do!"  So instead of trying to live and keep on keepin on...I am doing!