Coming Out of the Fog...

Coming Out of the Fog...

Just when I think I've got things under control and that I've come out of the fog, the wind gets knocked out of me with such fierce force that it physically takes my breath away!  I know that this is how grief works only because I have friends that have tried to tell me and it's in every grief book/article I've come across.  Well just because you know something doesn't mean your heart knows and understands it.  It's interesting how the mind and heart work, isn't it?  (That's something that I would talk about with my dad...random thoughts and questions.)  

To say that I miss him is a huge understatement!

For quite some time I've been going about my business, day in and day out, thinking of my dad.  I'd think I wish he was here to see this or that.  I'd think about how happy he'd be seeing the boys growing into the young men they are.  I'd think about how I wish I could talk to him and see him.  I'd think about how much we would have to talk about with politics and all the things going on in the world today.  I'd think of him, miss him, and be thankful of all the time I had with him.  But...the other day was different!

I was out feeding cattle (something that's new for me in the last few years!) and all of a sudden my body ached.  My stomach hurt with such pain that I thought I was getting sick.  My toenails hurt with dull pain.  My hands cramped.  Tears began rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't grasp what was wrong.  Then I just began sobbing, crying, sobbing, and then the wailing came.  It sounds so crazy!  It just hit me like a ton of bricks fell on me that my dad is dead!  He's really dead.  He's not coming back.  I know I haven't seen him in almost 3 years...I watched him die.  My mind knows that but my heart can't grasp it.  So I just stopped the pickup and had myself a good snot flowing, screaming cry.  I sat in a wide open field among cows and new baby calves just screaming and crying and blowing my nose in the most unladylike way.  It was not a pretty sight!

I learned a few things that day.  After all my dad always said that, "Every day is training day."  Somedays I feel like I'm in boot camp with intense training and others I feel like I'm in a classroom learning just a little everyday.  This day felt like it was boot camp training on steroids!   

I realized that I will always always always miss my dad...that somedays will be harder than others...that I must learn and move forward...that life is way too short...that pain is part of life...that joy comes in places and ways we never thought possible...that it's important to learn something new everyday...that somedays are boot camp (I use this analogy as if I have real life experience.  I've never been to boot camp, except the workout kind.  I'm just going off what I've seen in movies and what I think it would be like!)...that it's so very important to keep living, loving, and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON! 

My dad used to talk about how there's a time for everything in life and seasons of life.  I often think about the verse Ecclesiastes 3:1-8...it says it all about life.  This season of my life is different than I ever thought...I'm doing things I never thought I'd do and loving it!  I'm enjoying my boys and all the craziness that it brings.  I think I'm finally coming out of the fog (You know the fog of grief...of being alive and doing all that has to be done but not really living or enjoying life...I'm finally coming out of the fog!)  On one hand I'm sad that it's taken me so long and on the other I'm thankful for all that I've learned and continue to learn.  I know that somedays are foggy and there's not a thing I can do about that.  But the days that aren't, I'm going to make the best of and live life!

Trinity

Life Lessons on the Farm...

Trevin & Hank

Life Lessons on the Farm...


A picture can speak a thousand words and bring so many things to mind.  I love taking pictures and looking back at all the wonderful memories.  However, the longer I live the more I realize that there are parts of life that can hurt.  I used to live in my own little bubble of a world and never had much of a care in the world but since my dad has died my bubble has been popped.  I was lucky to live 35 years in the bubble!

I'm learning that living on the farm is NOT for the weak!  I know I know, I've been living on the farm for over 12 years but only in the past 3 have I really been paying attention to life on the farm!  So I've had some hard lessons learned over the past few weeks.  It's hard on me but it's even harder to watch my boys learn the hard lessons of life on the farm.  My oldest is wise beyond his years and has much more strength than I (both physically & mentally) and there's not much that he's been sheltered from.  My second has such a tender heart with a ferrous side when needed and hasn't yet realized his own strength, maybe because his big brother is always protecting him.  My third, well he's a mix of both of his big brothers with a strong will.  My fourth, the baby, he's just starting to come into his own.  I've said all this to say that they've handled these last few days pretty well.

Here's the brunt of it...Hank died!

He ran out in the road and was hit just as we were heading out and we saw it happen.  I did not handle this part well.  I lost it!  It was like is was in slow motion and there wasn't a thing I could do.  All I wanted to do was run away but I just went to Hank and loved on him crying like a baby.  The man stopped and helped and stayed until our neighbor (that happens to be a vet) came.  I'm so thankful for the way this happened even though it's been one of the hardest things ever!  I would rather have the pain of being with him than to come home and see him in the road or for someone to knock on my door.  As hard as it was to see it happen and love on him as he slipped away, it's way harder to watch your boys deal with this life event on the farm.  Trevin has cried and cried.  I just want to cry with him but I don't.  I save my crying for the shower.  That's the time I give myself to deal with life now that my bubble of a world has popped.  My heart hurts watching my boys and it hurts because this furry friend was my protector.  Everyone loves the feeling of being protected and that's exactly how Hank was...a protector.  I loved coming home to seeing him be "king of the hill".

Once our great neighbor and his wife got here, we began preparing to bury Hank.  It all happened so quickly and I'm thankful for that!  She stayed inside with Gentry while the rest of us went to put him to rest.  I wasn't sure if Trevin should be there to see Hank but my father in law called and after we talked he brought him over.  It was dark, cold, and foggy.  Trevin gets out of the pickup and I go to him and he's crying and says he wants to see him.  I just wanted to pick Trevin up and hold him and take away all his pain but I didn't.  He cried and sobbed and then he went to where the big boys were digging the hole and wanted to be apart of it.  Our neighbor was helping and after they got the hole dug he asked if we had a blanket we wanted to wrap him in and of course Trevin had just the one in mind.  So they put him on the blanket from the back of the pick up and carried him.  It took my breath away to watch Garrin, his buddy Dalton, Ryler, Trevin, my father in law, and my neighbor carry this animal to his place of rest.  Then our neighbor prayed.  I just wanted to cry.  Cry because it happened, cry because my boys were upset, cry because death is hard no matter what!  So after the prayer they began putting the dirt over him and Trevin was in the middle of it helping and crying.  I just stood there watching my boys coming into their own all at different phases.

That's something to watch...you teach your children and prepare them and pray over them...and then know it's out of your hands...but watching it with my own eyes was an amazing feeling.  I can't begin to put it into words.  I'm so proud of the men they're becoming, of how they're always there for each other, and how they did this without hesitation.  Remember, I wanted to run away.  I didn't want to handle this but knew I had to.  They're amazing boys becoming men and that fills my heart!

During this whole process I could hear my dad saying, "Suck it up, kid.  This is all part of life, it ain't easy but this is how God made it."  And then he'd usually say something to the effect of how you've got to be able to handle whatever life throws at you, learn something from it, and then KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  Pretty sure he'd be proud of me and most definitely proud of my boys.  I know I am.

I am thankful for our wonderful neighbor & their friendship.  I'm thankful for the man staying & helping after the accident...I was a crying mess!

Trinity

Seize the Moment!

Boys Night!  

Seize the Moment!

So it's a Tuesday night and we are having boys night.  Yes I know it's a school night but you know sometimes you just have to seize the moment.  And that's one thing I try to do...seize the moment!  Of course we all know that we only live once but taking the time to really live is what it's all about!

"Boys Night" is something my dad started with the big boys when they were little and now we are continuing the crazy fun with the little boys.  It's bittersweet!  I can't explain the feeling of joy and missing someone so much it hurts all at the same time...it's a feeling I just can't describe.  Happy and sad all at the same time.

My dad would fix the boys steak and they would get IBC Rootbeer, make a big mess, blowup the air mattress and watch Burn Notice.  My dad would stay the night, I can only imagine how uncomfortable that air mattress was with boys climbing all over.  But I don't know who looked forward to "boys night" more, my dad or the boys!  I wasn't allowed at boys night so I'd usually just work late and let them do their thing.  Sometimes I'd come home to a house that looked like a tornado had hit it and I'd think oh my and have some frustration...but the look on my boys face was priceless! There they were all piled up with grins from ear to ear...and I'm not just talking about my boys.  I think, well I know, my dad loved it just as much as the boys.  He used to tell me that they would out grow him in no time and that he was going to make the most of the time he had with them.  I feel like that a lot these days.  The boys are growing at rate faster than I'd like and I can hear my dad saying, "Enjoy it while it lasts because they'll out grow you before you know it!"

My dad never did anything the conventional or traditional way and we aren't about to start now!  So here's to boys night, thinking about my dad, missing my dad, but loving the awesome memories and lessons he taught!  Looks like we will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON and make awesome new memories doing it!

There Will Never Be Another Today...

There Will Never Be Another Today...

Ryler, Gary, & Garrin

I love pictures!  I take pictures all the time and my family gets annoyed with me but I don't care.  I love looking at pictures, it brings back all the memories.  And to be honest, until my dad died I never looked at old pictures and thought anything but pretty much happiness.  I'm thinking that says that I had a pretty sweet life.

I was living in a bubble with my happy little life, until my dad went to the hospital.  I realize just how blessed I am to have had such a wonderful childhood and adult life and I'm not going to let this life event change me for the worse.  

It's been 2 and a half years, seems like yesterday, but with the holidays approaching sometimes I just want to run away!  I now understand that life will never be the same!  EVER!  My dad used to say that the only thing constant was change.  I remember thinking, yeah yeah ok but not ever grasping what he was trying to tell me.  So while going through pics I found this one of my now 14 and 11 year olds and it brought back such happy memories!  I remember thinking how those sweet boys would be little forever and I never gave a thought to how life was changing everyday.  But who really thinks about stuff like that when they are in their 20's?  

While my little bubble has been popped and it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before, I still love looking at pictures from the past and I still take lots of pictures today.  It fills my heart when I look a pictures of my family.  I want to remember all the good, even the bad.  Because after all...we have to have the bad to know just how good the good is!  I'm thankful for it all, even on days when I want to stay in bed and say forget it...I can't help but think how lucky I am and what an awesome life I've been given...so I don't want to waste any of it.  After all, There Will Never Be Another Today! 

So ya know...just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Fear...Not Having It

Fear...Not Having It

Ryler Wayne Smith

The other day someone asked me if I worried about my son playing football and my first response was NO.  Everything in me says well yes it does but my heart says no.  It really made me think about how I view things.  And of course I view things with influence from my parents!  Do I like to watch football?  No!  I only watch it when my son is playing and then you can bet I'm the best football momma around and yes that includes wearing my son's button on my team shirt!  I choose not to fear or worry about him playing this sport for this reason...my dad used to tell me all the time, "If it's your time kid, it's your time.  Only God knows!  So just live life.  You know we all have close calls everyday, everyday...and people don't make a big deal about those but doing dangerous activity and people will act fearful and worry.  You've got to be ready because only God knows when it's your time."  Then he'd go on to talk about how we're suppose to live and grow old but only God knows how life will go and we aren't to fear or worry because it's basically all out of our control anyway.  So don't waste time and energy on things that might or might not happen.  I think of how many different times in my life that he reminded me of this and I'm so thankful that he always took the time to really explain life and never left anything unsaid!  

So do I like to watch football?  NO WAY!  But I watch my son, who loves to play, with peace and joy and he makes me super proud.  I pray for his safety but in all honesty I pray for all the boys in my house and their safety because after all boys will be boys!  Isn't that what makes boys into men...doing things that are just a little dangerous and pushing the limits?  My oldest likes to tell me that he's 10 feet tall and bulletproof and we both smile.  My dad used to say that all the time.  And then I remind him that no he's not and that I want him to grow up to live life long after I'm gone, so please stay safe!  

Raising boys is hard and trying on mommas but oh so worth the outcome of watching boys become men (and I'm just beginning to watch this unfold!).  And that reminds me that my dad used to tell me over and over, after having my first son and after having my other 3 sons...he said, "Trin, you only get them for 18 years!  Then they'll go off and find their own way in this world and hopefully let you be a part of that but you've only got them for 18 years, so make it count kid!"  I miss his wisdom and guidance!  I miss him everyday!  I reach for my phone to call him every single day!  I can feel his presence and I'm thankful but the pain is still so very real that he's not physically here.  But you know, only because he taught me this, I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Blur

Blur

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my dad or pick up my phone to call him!  To say that I miss him is a huge understatement.  It's been two and a half years since he died and sometimes it's like it was yesterday and others it's like a lifetime ago.  For whatever strange reason, I finally feel as if I am getting my life back together!  These last few years really seem like a blur.  I'm just thankful that I've snapped pictures, probably more than anyone will ever look at besides me, but I love looking back during this time of blur.  What makes me happy is seeing all my wonderful blessings...aka my hubby and 4 beautiful boys!

I think about my dad when the boys do something cute or funny, or when they're pushing me to my limit, or when I listen to talk radio, or when I put on my spyderco knife that my dad gave me.  It makes my heart happy to think about him and all that he taught me!  I'm trying to teach my boys the same things that he taught me but I think some things must already be hard wired in them.  I love it when they say things like he did or when they act like he did.  It's like I can feel his presence all around!  

I can't help but think about the circle of life.  My dad used to say that life goes on and you know what it really does...go on!  I'm realizing a lot of what my dad said as I gain life experiences.  And I can't help but smile and just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Another Year...

Another Year...

All I can say is that I really do not like the first day of school!  I love my boys being home and that we don't have too much of a schedule to keep.  Don't get me wrong, we are super busy in the summer!  There's always lots to do on the farm and the work is never done!  But I love love love my boys being around home.  They make messes, fuss, and annoy me but that feeling usually lasts a few minutes before I'm laughing or in deep conversation about life and realize how lucky I am!  I cherish my time with them!  It's so much fun to watch them learn and grow into grown up people with opinions and thoughts, even when they're not like mine!  It's an indescribable feeling and I don't want to lose it!

1st day of school 2014-2015

Back to school symbolizes another year gone by...it means that my boys are growing up and closer to the end goal of leaving home and spreading their wings...it makes me think of all the things I meant to do with them and never got around to it...it means schedules to keep...it means growing up!  I saw a toddler shirt the other day that said Don't Grow Up...It's a Trick.  I thought it was funny but really when you stop and think about it, it's the absolute truth!  I remember summer days lasting forever and counting down the days til I got my driver's license.  It seemed to last forever...little did I know it would pass so very quickly!  Don't you ever wish you knew then what you know now?!  I do but then I wonder if I would if life would be the same...probably not!

1st day of school 2013-2014

The first day of school this year was hard for this girl!  I really miss my dad!  Anytime I would be upset about the boys growing up, he had a way of reminding me that that's what they're suppose to do!  He'd tell me how it's my job to make them independent of me and to think for themselves.  But the thing he'd always say..."You don't want to raise any titty baby, do you kid?"  I could be crying my eyes out and when he'd say those words I'd just have to laugh.  Like I said, he had a way with words! So after I cried a little I had to bust out laughing just thinking about my dad.  I miss him everyday!  I miss
                                                                                                           his advice and guidance!                                                                                                                                            So you know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity