Coming Out of the Fog...

Coming Out of the Fog...

Just when I think I've got things under control and that I've come out of the fog, the wind gets knocked out of me with such fierce force that it physically takes my breath away!  I know that this is how grief works only because I have friends that have tried to tell me and it's in every grief book/article I've come across.  Well just because you know something doesn't mean your heart knows and understands it.  It's interesting how the mind and heart work, isn't it?  (That's something that I would talk about with my dad...random thoughts and questions.)  

To say that I miss him is a huge understatement!

For quite some time I've been going about my business, day in and day out, thinking of my dad.  I'd think I wish he was here to see this or that.  I'd think about how happy he'd be seeing the boys growing into the young men they are.  I'd think about how I wish I could talk to him and see him.  I'd think about how much we would have to talk about with politics and all the things going on in the world today.  I'd think of him, miss him, and be thankful of all the time I had with him.  But...the other day was different!

I was out feeding cattle (something that's new for me in the last few years!) and all of a sudden my body ached.  My stomach hurt with such pain that I thought I was getting sick.  My toenails hurt with dull pain.  My hands cramped.  Tears began rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't grasp what was wrong.  Then I just began sobbing, crying, sobbing, and then the wailing came.  It sounds so crazy!  It just hit me like a ton of bricks fell on me that my dad is dead!  He's really dead.  He's not coming back.  I know I haven't seen him in almost 3 years...I watched him die.  My mind knows that but my heart can't grasp it.  So I just stopped the pickup and had myself a good snot flowing, screaming cry.  I sat in a wide open field among cows and new baby calves just screaming and crying and blowing my nose in the most unladylike way.  It was not a pretty sight!

I learned a few things that day.  After all my dad always said that, "Every day is training day."  Somedays I feel like I'm in boot camp with intense training and others I feel like I'm in a classroom learning just a little everyday.  This day felt like it was boot camp training on steroids!   

I realized that I will always always always miss my dad...that somedays will be harder than others...that I must learn and move forward...that life is way too short...that pain is part of life...that joy comes in places and ways we never thought possible...that it's important to learn something new everyday...that somedays are boot camp (I use this analogy as if I have real life experience.  I've never been to boot camp, except the workout kind.  I'm just going off what I've seen in movies and what I think it would be like!)...that it's so very important to keep living, loving, and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON! 

My dad used to talk about how there's a time for everything in life and seasons of life.  I often think about the verse Ecclesiastes 3:1-8...it says it all about life.  This season of my life is different than I ever thought...I'm doing things I never thought I'd do and loving it!  I'm enjoying my boys and all the craziness that it brings.  I think I'm finally coming out of the fog (You know the fog of grief...of being alive and doing all that has to be done but not really living or enjoying life...I'm finally coming out of the fog!)  On one hand I'm sad that it's taken me so long and on the other I'm thankful for all that I've learned and continue to learn.  I know that somedays are foggy and there's not a thing I can do about that.  But the days that aren't, I'm going to make the best of and live life!

Trinity