Burn Notice

     It's crazy how the littlest things can bring back a memory.  You never know when & where it'll happen.  Sometimes I feel like it's a ticking time bomb that's just waiting to blow and most of the time I love having the memories that brings me joy and love.  So not a day, usually not an hour goes by that I don't think of my dad in some way shape or form.  Most of the time it brings a smile to my face along with a good laugh.  My dad was a character and would say things just for the shock factor.  I find myself doing that now and I'm not sure if it's because he's not here to do it or because I miss that honest, to the point, make you laugh characteristic of his.  Either way, I am certain we all act like our parents over time and I'm thankful for that because I'm proud of my parents and happy to act like them.

     So a few days back I got this email from Netflix about Season 6 of Burn Notice coming out and it was all I could do not to break down bawling.  I started shaking and felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn't catch my breath.  All from a random email.  Let me explain...my dad and my big boys would have what we called "boys night".  This entailed watching the tv show Burn Notice, grilling steaks, drinking root beer while my dad taught them all the things every boy should know.  No girls were allowed, so if I wasn't working I had to stay in my bedroom and leave the guys alone.  I loved being locked up in my room and listening to their conversations and hearing the laughter.  I can't tell you what I'd give to have that back.  It's so bittersweet.  I love thinking about those awesome memories but I hate it that it can never be like that again and that Trevin and Gentry will never know what "boys night" was like with Papa.  Garrin and Ryler have said they'll have "boys night" with the little brothers and teach them all the awesome things that Papa taught them.  They already teach the little ones just like my dad did and that makes my heart happy.  Some days I just want him back so bad.  Now after they grilled, the grilling out was a whole process in itself, and watched Burn Notice then they'd set up the air mattress in the living room and start to get settled in for the night. My dad would sleep with them on the air mattress.  He didn't seem to mind the legs in the face, an occasional wet bed, or an air mattress that never stay inflated the entire night.  What a Papa!  The next morning they'd get up and my dad would show me how to fix breakfast.  He was awesome in the kitchen!  Then he'd head home and sometimes I'd look around at the mess in my house and think wow!  They could really make a mess but oh the memories they made!  You can't possibly know the amazing memories unless you were there.  As dad would leave he'd ask the boys if they wanted to do it again next Friday and the answer was always YES!  Later on when the boys weren't around dad would always tell me how he's going to take advantage anytime the boys want to spend with him because it won't be long til they'll outgrow me.  I thought there's no way they'll ever outgrow Papa.  I was right!

     So we will continue the tradition of "boys night" and teach Trevin & Gentry all about their awesome Papa.  I'm so thankful for all that my dad has taught me and what he continues to teach me even though he's not here physically.  I will ride the waves of hurt with the strength that my dad taught me to have and I will ride the waves of joy and embrace every minute of it all!  After all you can't have the amazingly great times without the hard times.  You know we must KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity  
   

Conquer the world...

I just keep on learning...

Life is all about learning and at times I feel like I'm just starting out in life and other times I feel like oh yeah I've got this.  I guess that's a good thing because you know nothing stays the same forever!  So here's what I learned yesterday...

I had the opportunity to help with a junior Black Belt Test and it was an awesome experience.  From a parent perspective it's amazing to see a child (these kiddos are junior high age) understand and be able to defend themselves in high adrenal stress situations against people of all ages, sizes, and abilities.  During this test I was just helping (sparring, holding pads, ground fighting, & cheering them on) but wow did I learn so much.  It's a great feeling to help someone, yes I already knew that one!  However, this kind of help is completely different.  

I couldn't help but think about my dad last night.  He was always helping others reach their goals.  He constantly encouraged everyone around him in only ways that he could.  My dad had the ability to make you feel like you could conquer the world with the ability you had within you.  I've met many people that have told me or messaged me about how much my dad influenced their lives and encouraged them in a time when no one believed in them.  Growing up with my dad, I've always felt like I could conquer the world and to be real honest I took that for granted.  Trust me, I don't take that for granted now!  I want my boys to have that same feeling that my dad blessed me with and now I want others to have

Every 28 days...

     Somewhere around every 28 days a woman's body morphs into all kinds of crazy.  I'm amazed at what my body can do, I can actually grow another person, but sometimes I'm completely freaked out by the wide range of emotions that I can go through in just a few short days.  I'm sure my house full of boys are freaked out as much as I am.  My dad had a saying about a woman's cycle (WARNING, it's crude...) He would say, "Anything that can bleed for 7 days and doesn't die, don't fuck with it!"  I told you it was crude!  Oh but it's so true!  Some months I can conquer the world and others it's all I can do to make it through the day without crying the whole time.  Sometimes I feel like I can kick butt and take names and other times I feel so weak.

     Last week I decided to paint a wall and it's turned into the whole room and it all started with the thought of taking down my little guys crib.  Just a note, I'm not happy about my baby growing up!  My big boys were rearranging their rooms and going through stuff and said, "Mom, let's go ahead and take down Gentry's crib, he's ready to start sleeping in a big boy bed!"  I just started bawling, not crying, bawling!  Garrin, 13, and Ryler, 10, just looked at me with blank stares and hugged me and said, "It's ok, we don't have to.  We can do however you want."  I just hugged them and went outside and cried and cried and cried.  Did I mention that I cried?  I couldn't stop crying for the rest of the day.  The boys tried their best to console me but they were super happy when daddy got home.  Looking back I see how they were looking to daddy to see what to do and they were soaking it all in.  Gary walked in and just hugged me and kept telling me it's going to be alright.  There's nothing better than your man holding you and telling you it's all going to be alright.  The boys kept telling daddy how happy they were that he was home!  At times I think I shouldn't let the boys see me cry and carry on but really I would be doing them an injustice.  They are growing up and will date and marry someday...they need to know that women have emotions and that it's ok!

     So back to my baby growing up...my oldest will be in 7th grade, Ryler 5th grade, Trevin is going to Kindergarten (oh my!!!), and Gentry is almost 2...I'm super thankful they are spread apart in age.  I don't like back to school time at all!  I think about a new year starting and how little time I have left with my boys, I wonder if I've taught them all that I need to teach them, I wonder if I've spent enough time with them and truly enjoyed them.  It just kills me.  So when the big boys suggested we take down the crib it just all hit me hard.  Then I remember what my dad would tell me when I would get all upset about the boys growing up...he'd say, "Trin, do you want them to be titty babies and live with you for the rest of their life?  You've got a job to do and you're doing it.  Nothing stays the same forever.  Just enjoy the ride because it only gets better.  Now go hug them up and prepare to send them on their way."  I couldn't help but smile in amongst my crying eyes.  I know my dad is right and I'm doing just like he's instructed me to do but man is it hard!  Then it hit me hard that dad won't be here to see the boys and help me guide them or teach me how to be a better parent and then I started crying all over again.  It was like a hurricane of emotions that couldn't be tamed.  To top that off, that night I went to karate, I forced myself because all I wanted to do was go to bed.  We started a 2 month training on ground fighting (self protection if attacked scenarios) and it was all I could do to get through class without crying like a baby.  My dad always wrestled with me and was constantly training me to be prepared for the unthinkable at any given time.  He'd always say, "The bad guys aren't going to warn you or give you a heads up before they attack you.  You've always got to be thinking, kid!"  So as we were working on the ground fighting all I could think about was my dad.  I thought about all he taught me and how much fun we had but most of all how much I miss him.

     Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and how much I miss him and all that he taught me.  Some days I'm super sad and others I miss him but most days I count my many blessings for all the time he spent teaching me and preparing me to live life without him here.  I love that I can hear him and his life lessons loud and clear.  So I may be sad and cry about my babies growing up but I WILL teach and train them to live life to the fullest, to be brave men that are sensitive to the women in their lives and I will let them go & grow.  After all I must KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

This is the Life!

Gary & Ryler on the tractor and Garrin in the semi.

This is the life!  Gary is teaching the boys all the time and he's doing such an awesome job.  I was taking food to the field and just helping out here and there when I took this picture.  It makes me think of my dad and how proud he'd be of all of us.  He always told me how "You have the life, kid!"  I didn't really understand what he meant by that but I'm learning.  I certainly didn't appreciate this life until I watched my dad die.  There's something that happens to a person when they watch someone take their last breaths and it's changed me.  I'm just thankful that my dad laid the groundwork for me to enjoy this life and appreciate all it has to offer!

So back to this hay hauling adventure, I'm in awe of how much my boys (13 & 10) can do and how much they know.  There's nothing they won't try to do and they're constantly learning as well as learning to work.  Gary takes time with them and tries to teach in amidst all the stressful times of farming.  He's training them for anything they want to do in life because they will know how to work and figure things out on their own.  This is what reminds me of my dad...teaching them (the boys) to think and do for themselves.  That's something he taught me and worked very hard to teach my boys and instructed me to teach them when he knew he wouldn't be around.  In teaching this my dad would always say, "You have the life, kid!"  By that he meant that we have the perfect place and lifestyle to teach and train boys.  Once again I'm thankful for all that I've got and I can hear my dad saying, "You're doing good, kid.  You're doing good!"  And that makes my soul feel good.


So here's just a few things I'm hoping we are teaching our boys...to be men...to love God...to be loving providers and fathers...to have confidence to follow their dreams...to stand up for what is right...to have a thirst for knowledge...to work hard...to enjoy the little things...to be strong emotionally, physically, spiritually...to be thankful for all that God has given...to love and show love...to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!


I can't even begin to explain how much I miss my dad but remembering the life lessons he taught me and enjoying the moment makes the pain of him not being here bearable.  It's been a rough few weeks.  You know the kind where you think you can't get out of bed and just want to sleep.  I've never felt that until now and I don't like it and I'm working on making it go away.  Remembering all that dad taught me helps most of the time, but sometimes it makes it awful.  Thinking that he's not here to see the boys and that he won't be here to see them grow into the amazing men that he helped shape is sometimes too much to think about.  I can always hear my dad or feel him push me to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  I realize now that life is short and that we must enjoy today!  So the days that are hard I try to embrace and know that nothing stays the same forever!  And I've only got a short amount of time to teach and train my boys all that I want them to know, so I don't have too much time for laying in bed feeling sorry for myself.  I'm so thankful for my house full of boys for many reasons!

Father's Day realization...

This is the second Father's Day without my dad here and I'm thankful that he never made a big deal about the holidays.  He said everyday was Father's Day and he truly believed it.  With that attitude it's made the transition from him being here to him not a whole lot easier during the actual holidays.  I don't ever think about how we always did this or that on certain holidays.  So it's really just the day in and day out that I miss my dad the most.  Here's what I realized this Father's Day...

1.  I'm super thankful for my dad's parents...they raised an awesome man that became an amazing father!   So to my Granny...thanks!  You did an awesome job and you should be so proud.  Dad's legacy lives on and will continue to and that's in part because of all that you did to raise dad!

2.  I'm so very thankful to my in-laws for raising my husband to be the man he is...and let me just say he's the best and perfect for me!  My husband is my rock and an awesome father.  I'm thankful to his parents for teaching him how to work hard to provide for us, how to be a strong man (physically, mentally, spiritually), and how to have patience and never give up!

3.  I'm in the midst of raising 4 boys to become men and father's and I've got a job to do...I'm thankful that I get to do this...but I'm realizing just how important it is!  I want my boys to grow up to be just like my husband and my dad...amazing!  I've got to teach them to be strong and provide for their family but be gentle, caring, and loving.  I must teach them to be warriors for what they believe but accepting of others.  I need to teach them to care for a baby as well as cook and clean all while being patient, understanding, and loving to the women in their lives.  I will teach them to follow their dreams and to have the confidence to do anything they want to do in life.  I must teach them to fight for their freedom and defend what's dear to them, to be physically, mentally, and spiritually strong.  I want to teach them to share their feelings and have a strong faith and love for the Lord.  I must teach them to be content and happy with where they are in the journey of life!

     So I've got lots to do but I've got great examples to follow!  I know my dad was preparing me to do all these with the boys but now I'm realizing just how important my job is and I'm thankful to have this opportunity.  So as you know I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

   

Lion, lamb, flagpole!

     I don't feel much different today...now that I'm 36!  Yesterday was my birthday and it brought some tough memories.  It's been 4 years ago on my birthday that life changed forever.  My dad went to the hospital on my birthday.  Little did I know just how much life would change in less than 5 years.  Some days it still feels like a dream.  Sometimes I can't stand to be around others that have their dad or papa and especially those that take that time for granted!  Other days it feels like all I can do is get through the day.  Most days I think of my dad and smile and count my blessings that he was such an amazing part of our lives.  Then I'm reminded of the saying...Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened!  So that's what I try to do, some days I do better than others.  I've heard over and over again that it gets better after the first year but I don't think so.  I've also realized that this is not something that you get over, it's a new way of life...there's a big difference. 

     I think it's better to have lived life to the fullest without holding back than to always be cautious and never live!  My dad always said he'd rather live 1 day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb!  I know this is surprising but I feel the same way.  What's the point of this big journey if we don't really live and use all we've got to give?  I've never been one to "play it safe" and I'm definitely the flag in my marriage.  I have a dear friend that says that most relationships have someone that's the flag and someone that's the flagpole.  The flagpole is steady and constant and the flag, well you know waves in the wind!  So yes that's me...the flag.  Gary is definitely the flagpole and he's amazing to put up with me waving in the wind so much!  I definitely got a good one.  I'm saying all this to say that whatever you are,  be it!  Enjoy it!  Embrace it!  So that's what I'm trying to do and somedays are better than others.  But everyday I'm trying and hopefully soon I'll get back to waving in the wind only like a flag can in western Oklahoma.  

     I've been a little, ok a lot, lost since my dad died!  He was my "go to" person for everything and my best friend and I miss him!  Did I mention that I miss him?  The funny thing is just when I think I'm going to have a melt down, I have this feeling come on.  Sometimes it's a swift kick in the butt, or this pinch on the back of my arm, and sometimes it's this calmness telling me I can and I will do this...live life!  That's the one thing that dad told me to do and that it was an absolute must...LIVE LIFE!  And yes I'd totally rather live one day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb!  

KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Brown Belt...karate

My Brown Belt test back in the day...

Some things in life we think we will never do, well karate is one of them for me.  But as we know about life, never say never!  So here's my story about doing something I never thought I'd do...of course this event has my dad in it.  He was in just about every event and day to day life for 34 years.  I'm continually inspired and amazed by my dad even after his death.

It was after baby #2 and I wanted to do a different kind of workout.  I'm not into running on a treadmill. So after talking with dad, he encouraged me to take karate.  His buddy owned the karate school and so the journey begins.  Now when you stop and think about life, everyone is living their own journey and we can't compare our own with others.  I firmly believe that the adventure in life lies in the journey not the destination...after all what's left after you get to the destination?

I was focused and loved karate from the get go.  Dad would stay with the little ones so I could take class 3 nights a week.  Like I said he encouraged me and made it easy for me to start this journey.  I pushed my body and my mind like I'd never pushed it before but let me just say that fighting rounds brought out the cry baby in me...literally!  I cried, I mean boo hoo cried the entire time I would spar and fight rounds.  I wouldn't stop but the tears would flow, I wasn't hurt but the tears kept flowing.  I couldn't and still can't explain why I'm a crier, but I am.  This picture was taken after my Brown Belt test (fighting ten 2 minute rounds & running a mile & showing forms) and I could and can still feel how proud my dad was of me.  Let me just say that my dad was usually proud of me for the day to day things but this was an unbelievable feeling I felt from him.  He was my corner man and talked me through the entire test and wiped my tears inbetween rounds.  My dear friend and Sensei April was amazing.  Sensei Pollman taught me to be more stoic and to breathe while taking a hit.  Like I said pushed my mind and body like never before and made my dad proud!

Life got busy and boys started school and I put karate on back burner and eventually quit.  I just thought oh well, at least I got my Brown Belt.  Then during my stay with mom & dad during his last weeks, dad told me that I'd finish my Black Belt!  I said, "Oh no, probably not.  I've got 4 boys now and super busy!"  But he was insistent on telling me that I'd finish and I just agreed.  In my mind I was thinking no way could I go back and finish it without him there, no way!  Funny thing about life, never say never!

A few months after dad died, Ryler was beginning to have some major anger about things and I knew I needed to get him focused and his energy channeled, or I was going to fight him everyday!  The first thing that popped into my mind was karate, so I called and enrolled us both.  I thought it'd be good for the both of us.  What started out as a focus to help Ryler has turned out to be my blessing and challenge!  Life sure is funny.  I didn't give much thought to how I'd feel going back to the dojo and probably good thing I hadn't.  The first day all I wanted to do was cry and not because it was killer workout but because my mind was flooded with great memories of my dad!  It's funny the things make your heart throb and knock the wind out of you all at the same time.  I loved thinking about all the memories with my dad but my heart also ached for him to be here.  Then it hits me all over again that he's really gone and not coming back and that makes my whole body hurt.  It hurts for awhile then I smile because I can hear my dad...keep on living kid, keep on living!  When I think about him saying those words to me all I can think about is his strength.  What amazing strength he has/had to be able to be positive and encourage me knowing he was dying and his time left was limited!

I hope I have that kind of strength and give that to my boys.  It's an unbelievable blessing to give everyone that's still left living to encourage them to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON knowing you won't be here.  Some days I feel like I have all that strength and other days I feel like going back to bed because I don't have anywhere near the strength to make it through the day.  On those days I may cry, scream, or whatever is needed but only for a little while because before too long I can hear my dad telling me to suck it up buttercup!  On the really hard days I can not only hear him but I can feel him...that flick on the back of the arm he used to give me.  It's then that I can get the strength to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I'm still taking karate and loving it.  However, this time I'm not as focused on the next belt but more focused on the journey!  It's all about the journey!