Strength!

     Last year this week my life as well as my entire family's life was changing.  If you really stop and think about it though, aren't our lives always changing?  I mean nothing really stays the same forever, nothing!  Time keeps going no matter how much we try to slow it down or stop it just for a little while. So why do we think things will never change?  I can remember thinking my babies would sleep with us forever, I'll always be friends with so and so, I'll always have my family and our health but we all know that's not true.  So I wonder why it's so hard to change or accept change?  I'm sure everyone deals with change in their own way and I'm learning to handle change in my own way.

     It was the Monday after Spring Break and I had just dropped off the older boys for school.  I usually call my dad after I drop them off but that particular day I decided to go see mom & dad.  They live about 20 minutes away and Trevin & Gentry were still in their pj's but I just had this notion to drive and actually see my parents.  On our way Trevin asks where are we going and I tell him to see O'ma and Papa.  He said, "Good deal because that devil has been kicking Papa all night, all night momma!"  I said, "Oh really!"  I was shocked to hear him say that and knew in the pit of my stomach that he was right.  So on our way we prayed for Papa and enjoyed our drive.  I called about 5 minutes outside of town to let them know we were almost there!  I could hear relief in my mom's voice but didn't understand why.

     We walk in and my dad is sitting leaned up against the couch on the magnet mattress on the floor and I just wanted to cry.  I didn't just want to cry, I wanted to scream and cry, I wanted my dad to give me a hug and tell me everything's going to be alright but I knew this was not a time for things to be about me and my feelings.  Trevin went with my mom to the kitchen and I sat down on the magnet bed on the floor next to my dad and we began to talk.  He was asking all about the boys as usual and I finally changed the subject to him.  I asked him how he was doing and he was like, "Oh good, just had a rough night!"  I looked him in the eyes and said, "Dad, your eyes are yellow!"  And what he said next shows more strength than I will ever know.  He said, "Yes, I know kid!  This is IT!"  I wanted to freeze, run away, change what was really happening but I didn't.  I said, "Ok, dad what do you want me to do?"  I was totally not prepared to hear what he said next.  He said, "Be here when you can but other than that just keep on living kid, just keep on living!"  I said, "Ok, really what do you want me to do?"  He said again, "Keep on living!"  I asked him if he wanted to see the boys and I already knew his answer, NO!  He'd said all along that he didn't want the boys to see him "go down for the count".  So of course out of respect for my dad, the boys never saw him again.  Thankfully my mother in law stepped in and took care of Trevin, Ryler, and Garrin and Gary for about six weeks without hesitation.  I don't know what I would've done without her!  So the last time they saw him was when he came out to see them over Spring Break and then they went home and stayed with him and O'ma for 3 days.  In some regard I feel like that was the best and in others I don't but that's the way it was!

     I think about the strength it took for my dad to know that it was coming to an end and still have a smile on his face and be encouraging to others.  I mean, WOW!  I don't know if I'd be able to handle it like that.  He showed more strength as time went on and when I think back on different things in my life, I realize he showed strength more times than not.  But for as much strength as my dad showed my mom showed more!  She's an amazing woman in so many ways that I'll never know.  I knew dad was never the same after his heart surgery but I never knew just how much things were different for my mom.  Dad never slept through the night after he came home from the hospital and had terrible pain, and my mom slept on the couch next to him and was up and down during the nights with him.  She could've sunk into a deep depression but she didn't!  She kept on going, no matter how hard it was or how she was feeling.  She became caretaker for dad and taking care of everything else as well.  She didn't leave him for more than a couple of hours and never complained!  I never even really knew just what all she was going through but now I realize she had strength just like my dad!  I really don't know how she did it!  Like I said, she's an amazing woman!  I love that I'm like her in more ways as time goes on.

     I was blessed with two AMAZING parents!  I have felt unconditional love, seen physical, emotional, and spiritual strength, and watched two people love each other with passion that movies only try to portray.  To say I've been blessed is an understatement!  I've had the best of the best and I will teach my boys all about these two amazing people and all that they've done for me.  So with that being said, I WILL KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON because that's what I've witnessed!

Trinity

Speaking the truth...hearing the truth

Trevin, Papa Clovis, & Gentry

How do you comfort and encourage your child when they're hurting?  This is something that I never want to deal with but life's not always about what we want!  I'm learning that with one of the toughest life lessons I've had thus far.  Let me just say that it's hard no matter how you look at it and that you just have to grin and bear it because life goes on!  

A few weeks ago, it's taken me this long to be able to write about it, Ryler (2nd born, 9 years old) woke up and couldn't stop crying.  He was really trying to get himself ready for the day but just kept crying.  I had a feeling, you know the one that's deep in the pit of your stomach, that he was having a hard time and it was about his Papa. I just wanted to skip over how he was feeling and take away all his pain and sadness but as I prepared to hold and hug this growing boy I realized that he needed the truth no matter how hard it was to hear or speak.  Sometimes it's hard to speak the truth and hard to hear it but I knew it was one of those things that had to be done.  So I just said a little prayer and dug in.

     I asked Ryler what was wrong and he immediately began talking about Papa.  He said, "Papa said he was working on getting better but he never did!  Why, momma, why?  I don't understand how Papa was here and then he was gone, just like that!  Why?"  He sobbed and I just held him as the tears flowed down his cheeks.  Garrin took charge with Trevin & Gentry so that I could focus on Ryler.  All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and wake up tomorrow hoping it'd be better and that all this would be over.  I seriously thought about it for a few seconds before I felt my dad saying "Suck it up buttercup and deal with this like I've taught you to do!"  So I held back my tears (after all isn't that what mothers do for their babies...put them first and deal with our own feelings later!) and prepared to do some serious talking.  I asked Ryler, "Do you want to see pictures of Papa during his last days?  They aren't pretty and it doesn't look like the Papa you know."  So I got out my phone and began showing him pictures of his Papa and he wept.  I showed him the pictures of Papa and he could see just how sick and weak he was.  I began explaining the cycle of life, just as my dad had explained it to me throughout my life.  We are born, we live, then we die; this is all part of God's plan.  I explained how the things that last forever are what you can pass on...not material items...but a legacy!  I told him to think about all the things that Papa had taught him and that it's his job to teach Trevin & Gentry all those things and that by doing that Papa will live on forever!  What an awesome thing!  Finally a little spark in those dark eyes and Ryler began to understand he's got an important job to do!  I also described how Papa was giving me instructions during those last weeks.

     After we knew it was the ending, Papa didn't want any visitors and most definitely no crying around from us or anyone!  Just about everyday my dad would give me instructions and it always started out with this, "Trin, everyday you're going to have to get up and give the boys 110%, EVERYDAY!  Everyday, Trin, you're going to have to stay strong and give it your all, EVERYDAY!"  You get the idea and then he'd go on to explain all the things I needed to do and that I was strong enough to do it.  I explained to Ryler that I listened to my dad and didn't shed a tear!  Not a tear!  How could I?  He was dying and knew it and was still finding happiness and taking care of his family so I was strong and said, "ok dad, I will, Ok dad!"  I can't tell this story now without crying but at the time I didn't shed a tear.  He showed so much strength; physical, mental, emotional that I had to do just how he wanted.  So I told all of this to Ryler while my tears flowed and that we have to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  That's what Papa taught us to do and that's exactly what we will do! 

Trinity

LET THEM BE...

LET THEM BE...

     Let them be little, individual, original, fun, adventurous, happy but most of all LET THEM BE!  We all want the best for our kiddos but sometimes the best for us, as parents, is to just LET THEM BE.  As hard as it may be I think it's very important to do this with my kiddos.  I want them to be just as God intended them to be, not what society thinks they should be or what I think they should be.  So here's the story that this picture reminded me of...

     My dad was great at letting me be me and encouraged me to think for myself.  I think sometimes he was rethinking this when I wouldn't think just as he did about things.  Most people thought and still think that I am just like my dad and that I think like him too.  Interesting enough, dad and I don't think the same about everything.  He loved to challenge me when I didn't think along his same lines, which was always fun!  I admired this about my parents teaching me to think for myself even if it meant that I wouldn't think or do things just they way they wanted.  It's a gift they've given me and I'm going to give it to my boys.  With four boys, I can only imagine what individuals they'll turn out to be and I'm sure that we won't always see eye to eye.  I'll just have remind myself that I succeeded if they don't think exactly like me!

     I was about four, same age as Trevin is now in this picture, and I had quite a sense of style.  My dad worked odd hours in the oilfield and my mom worked for Southwestern Bell Telephone.  I remember my dad usually taking me to preschool and my mom picking me up.  So what's a little girl to do when her mom leaves for work early in the morning, well play in her momma's makeup of course!  I loved and still do love makeup (even though you'd never know it now because I wear very little!).  I can still remember my mom's makeup laid out on the bathroom counter.  I would climb on the toilet over to the counter and I was in heaven!  I had watched my mom and would do just like she did.  Every little girl wants to be just like her momma and I was no different even though I was quite a bit tomboy.  So I just had the best time using all the same makeup that my mom used and made myself beautiful.  Now I don't know if my dad really thought I looked as beautiful as I thought I did but he made me feel like a beautiful princess, just like he made my mom feel I'm sure.  He let me wear it to preschool and I will never forget feeling like the most special little girl in the world walking into school looking like what I think is awesome.  The other little girls were like, "WOW!".  Now that I'm a parent I'm thinking the other moms and teachers were probably thinking how sad, that little girl has to have her dad bring her to school and he didn't even know how to get her here without her getting into everything.  What they didn't realize is that I had the best of both worlds!  It didn't matter what those people thought of me, my dad thought I was beautiful and that I'd done a good job with 'honey's' (that's what my mom & dad call each other, honey) makeup.  I got to be just like my mom and my dad thought I was just as beautiful as my mom.  I mean seriously how much better can it get for a little girl?

    Last week my sweet Trevin was so proud of himself when he put on this tie with his school shirt and I had to just smile.  I took his picture and told him how good he looked and sent him on his way.  He dressed himself and was super proud and I couldn't have been happier.  I just sat in the car after he got out and cried for my dad.  I would've text him that picture and then he'd call me up and we'd laugh and talk and he'd tell me how much he loved it.  Then we'd talk about the story above or some other time that I was spreading my wings showing my individuality!  And dad would always tell me what a good job I was doing with the boys and remind me not to worry about what others or society thinks.  Man do I miss him!  I miss sharing all this with him!  I miss hearing his voice!  I miss his advice!  I miss his laugh, oh man his laugh was the best!  I guess I just miss my best friend, who just happens to be my dad next to Gary of course.  So I pulled myself together and drove home thinking about all the awesome memories and life lessons I have from my dad.  I thought about how I want to have the same with my boys and their kiddos.  I thought about how life goes on, just like dad taught me.  I thought about how he'd always tell me that material things will come and go but it's what you instill and the memories you make that will get passed on from generation to generation.  Then with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye, I knew my dad would be proud and that I will always miss him!  But I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON just like he taught me.

Trinity

Please excuse the past and present tense usage...it's still hard for me to consistently use past tense!  I may never completely use past tense, and guess what I don't really care.  We all have our own ways to deal with things.  My parents taught me to be me, so that means I don't have to handle this like everyone else or how society thinks I should.  Thanks for reading and I really need a sarcasm font! 

It's the Little Things...

It's the little things...

     I've always heard It's the Little Things...in life that make the big things.  I think I'm finally beginning to understand that statement at the ripe old age of 35.  When I really stop and think about things (all kinds of things) it's not the big things that make the everyday go round.  It's all the little things that make the big things.  Can you tell I've had lots of time to think lately?  Healing up from foot surgery has blessed me with the time to think about a lot of things!

     Yesterday my hubby brought home these...ear tags for the cattle...hot pink, orange, and blue.  Yes hot pink!  I can't help but smile just looking at these.  I know that sounds completely crazy but let me explain.  It hasn't been that long ago that I could've cared less about the happenings on the farm.  After all I was busy running my own business and having babies (we had 2 at that time) and doing all the things that I THOUGHT were so important.  As time went I on I knew I wasn't living life as it should be but kept on the course because after all I wasn't a quitter.  I worked many hours and late nights and weekends while my dad was taking care of my kiddos.  Gary worked long hours between his day job at the gas company and then his almost full time farming operation in the evenings and weekends.  We met ourselves coming and going.  My whole being felt twisted and stretched to the max just trying to do it all.  Looking back I can't believe I lived like that for so long.  I guess I'm just a little hard headed, ok I'm a lot hard headed!

     Fast forward a few years and I'm beginning to understand all the things my dad was trying to tell me over the years.  Everyday is a training day!  Things began to change out of necessity after dad had his heart attack, he was never the same even though he tried to stay the same.  In our many talks dad really encouraged me to quit working, focus on my family, have another baby (actually he said have as many babies as you can!), help on the farm & learn all about the farm, and to just live the awesome life I already had waiting on me!  So after much encouragement from mom and dad I finally told Gary that I wanted to quit working and focus on our family and the farm.  To my surprise, Gary was more than thrilled and excited about making these changes.  I'd never asked him how he wanted things to be, I just did how I thought things needed.  Things really began to change and for the better.  I don't know why we fight change so much.  I've fought change my whole life in some way or another but slowly I'm learning to embrace it.  After all you can't change the fact that life is always changing.  Nothing stays the same forever!

     Now I'm in the midst of learning about our farming operation, being full time momma, and loving every minute of it.  I think back over all the conversations I had with my dad and realize how much he wanted all this for me, for us.  He wanted me to just live and be happy doing it.  I've realized it's not what you drive, where you live, what you wear, or how far you climb society's ladder...what matters is living life and loving it.  For me that means being a good wife to my amazing hubby, being the best momma I can be to my 4 awesome boys, learning all about the farming operation, and pushing myself to learn and try new things all while being thankful for all that God has blessed me with.  

     So I just love these hot pink ear tags for the cattle and can't wait to help Gary and the boys use them!  It's the Little Things...that will help me to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

The Value of...

Garrin doing my Wal-Mart shopping.

The Value of...

     I'm going on 3 weeks of no driving after foot surgery so all my boys have had the opportunity to shine showing all their abilities.  Having to stay off my foot and this entire process is a different post all together, it's been trying to say the least.  However, I've learned a lot and I've watched the boys in my house grow.  I've learned The Value of...many things but this one in particular stands out.  The Value of giving my children the knowledge of how to live life, take care of things and people, and to survive without me is absolutely priceless.

     The other day I sent my oldest, Garrin who is almost 13, into the dreaded Wal-Mart with fifty bucks and a very short list.  I sat in the car as I watched him walk with confidence and a little bit of 'oh yeah I'm a stud' into the building.  I became flooded with many different emotions; proud, happy, thankful, scared. I thought to myself, did I really just send him into the store to get my groceries?  What if someone tries to take him or hurt him?  Then I calmed down and realized that I've given him all the tools he needs to take care of this or I wouldn't have sent him.  When I say tools I mean the knowledge, we've talked about being aware of your surroundings and that yes there are very mean people out in this great big world that wish to harm others.  And of course he had his cell phone.  My parents would send me into the grocery store when I was his age and that was before cell phones!  Ok yes you can stop laughing at the before cell phones.  I thought about how times have changed from when I was growing up.  I felt so proud and thankful that he was happy to do this for me.  I felt happy that my little baby boy was growing into such a responsible young man.  Oh and yes a little sad at the same time.  Why does time have to go by so fast?

     As I sat in the car I remember my dad teaching me many many things about life and taking care of things.  When I asked him why do I have to do this or learn about this, his response was, "I will fail at being your parent if I don't teach you how to survive without me because there will come a time when I won't be here.  You will have to take care of things on your own and I want to be the one to teach you!"  I remember dad telling me that over and over growing up and I began to understand on a completely different level.  I mean what could be worse than leaving your child unable to take care of themselves?  So I will do just as I was taught and teach my boys how to go on living without me!  I think that's one of the best gifts a parent can give a child.  Even if it is the hardest thing to do, it's a super important task as a parent.

     The Value of...teaching my boys to go on living without me is a priceless gift that I will take pride in doing!  It is my job as their parent to teach them, not to be their best friend.  I love my boys and I love spending time with them, that's why it's hard to let them go, but it's a must!  There is a value of letting go and watching them soar, it's hard to do and I'm just in the beginning phases of letting go.  But I will and I will watch and say just look at what I did, I taught them to go on living and how to do it.  What better accomplishment can a parent have than that?  After all, our children are really on loan from God.  They're his and we're just suppose to guide and teach for a short amount of time.  

     I know my dad would be proud and I know he's watching over us.  This journey is hard but he did a great job of preparing me for life without him here and I intend to do the same for my boys.  I've been told that we're strict parents and hard on our kids but we're not going to change our parenting style to fit into society.  We (Gary & I are on the same page when it comes to how we are raising our boys!) will keep on the path no matter how hard it is because we have strong convictions about raising these boys God has blessed us with.  The Value of...teaching, letting go and everything in between...is hard but so worth it!  So we will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON...

Trinity                                                                  

Valentine's Rice Krispies

 So today is Valentine's Day and I can hear my dad's voice strong.

      I woke up this morning thinking about how I didn't get anything for my boys for Valentine's Day...nothing!  I was going to make them each cards & have their favorite dessert (peanut butter rice krispies) for when they came home from school.  Then this morning I'm in panic because I didn't get them anything!  Seriously, in a panic.  I must be the worst mom ever and how could I not get those sweet boys something for Valentine's Day, what's wrong with me!  Just as I'm about to get myself and baby Gentry together to go buy them something, I felt this weird pinch, flick on the back of my arm.  It sent chills down my whole body and stopped me in my tracks.  My dad would always do this flick pinch thing on the back side of my arm when I needed to stop and think about things (in my dad's words, "Pull your head out of your ass kid!").  It was the same feeling, the exact same!  Dad always jokingly but in a serious kind of way said that he'd let me know when I was screwing up even after he was dead.  He told me that from the time I can remember!  We'd laugh and joke and then carry on about our business.  Well, once again he was right!

     After the shock and chills wore off, I could hear my dad loud and clear.  He's never been one to celebrate things on the actual day and he's always lived each day as if it were his last.  He never really bought into the commercialism of things and he really pushed that idea on me.  Now I'm not saying that I didn't get presents on Valentine's, Easter, Birthday, Christmas, etc. because I did and sometimes way too much stuff.  My mom always made sure that I had, as well as my sister.  They both spoiled me, still do, in many ways.  But dad would give you something when he wanted to, not because it was a holiday!  I tend to want to buy buy buy for my boys.  This has absolutely nothing to do with me being without anything in my childhood, trust me I didn't do without!  I'm not sure why I want to buy so much stuff for them (I have many ideas, enough for a different post!) but dad would always tell me over and over, "They (the boys) don't want you to buy them more stuff, they want you to spend more time with them!".  That would always sting and sting hard but it was the truth!  Sometimes speaking the truth is the hardest thing to do!

     So tonight we will celebrate with rice krispies and the best gift I can give, my time!  We might play board games, watch a movie, play cards, or just visit, I'll let them lead the evening.  I will do this with the confidence needed all because of a little flick pinch feeling on the back of my arm.  I will think of my dad and I will be thankful he had such a powerful influence on my life and that he shared his wisdom and knowledge.  Life isn't about the stuff and sometimes I need to be reminded of that.  I guess my dad will keep reminding me, only in different ways now!  This journey is a hard one but awesome at the same time and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Parenting...through the hard times.

     Ryler wrote this a few days before Christmas, so needless to say it's been a rough few weeks.  I haven't made time to write and I've missed my therapy.  So here goes...

     It's been rough on Ryler, my 9 year old.  Papa was his best friend.  Ryler is a big, strong kid and looks at least as old as his big brother Garrin who is 12.  It's sometimes hard to remember that he's just 9 years old, he acts so much older.  I knew he'd been having a hard time but he wasn't wanting to talk and I didn't want to push.  I felt like I needed to give him space and let him handle things in his own way.  It's heartbreaking to watch!  So not only do I miss my dad but I've got to get up everyday and make the most of it and be strong and so does everyone else.  I've thought a lot about my mom and how she's feeling and what I can do for her but I haven't given much thought to the boys.  Maybe it's because they've tried to be strong or maybe it's because I'm not strong enough to handle it (seeing them upset).  Either way it's time I deal with how the boys are doing.

     The other night I laid in Ryler's bed and held him for over an hour as he cried and sobbed.  He said nothing.  He just cried, his body shook.  I've never felt pain like that before!  I thought it was painful to watch my dad in pain and wither away and die but this hurt so much in a different way.  I've given birth to all my babies all natural and felt physical pain, that night I felt pain all through my body.  I felt Ryler's pain, his physical as well as his emotional pain.  Yet, there was nothing I could do to fix it.  Nothing!  That's the most helpless feeling ever.  I just held him and let the tears roll down my cheeks.  I know I can't fix this for him or anyone but it's hard watching the boys have to walk this journey.

     I only hope and pray that I walk through this journey with the strength that my dad taught me, the compassion my mom has taught me, and without doubt and fear.  My dad always said that life goes on and that you're born, you live, then you die and that life goes on.  He's right but that doesn't mean that it's easy to do or understand.  We will walk through this journey as a family and help each other because we have to stay strong and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity