Life Lessons on the Farm...

Trevin & Hank

Life Lessons on the Farm...


A picture can speak a thousand words and bring so many things to mind.  I love taking pictures and looking back at all the wonderful memories.  However, the longer I live the more I realize that there are parts of life that can hurt.  I used to live in my own little bubble of a world and never had much of a care in the world but since my dad has died my bubble has been popped.  I was lucky to live 35 years in the bubble!

I'm learning that living on the farm is NOT for the weak!  I know I know, I've been living on the farm for over 12 years but only in the past 3 have I really been paying attention to life on the farm!  So I've had some hard lessons learned over the past few weeks.  It's hard on me but it's even harder to watch my boys learn the hard lessons of life on the farm.  My oldest is wise beyond his years and has much more strength than I (both physically & mentally) and there's not much that he's been sheltered from.  My second has such a tender heart with a ferrous side when needed and hasn't yet realized his own strength, maybe because his big brother is always protecting him.  My third, well he's a mix of both of his big brothers with a strong will.  My fourth, the baby, he's just starting to come into his own.  I've said all this to say that they've handled these last few days pretty well.

Here's the brunt of it...Hank died!

He ran out in the road and was hit just as we were heading out and we saw it happen.  I did not handle this part well.  I lost it!  It was like is was in slow motion and there wasn't a thing I could do.  All I wanted to do was run away but I just went to Hank and loved on him crying like a baby.  The man stopped and helped and stayed until our neighbor (that happens to be a vet) came.  I'm so thankful for the way this happened even though it's been one of the hardest things ever!  I would rather have the pain of being with him than to come home and see him in the road or for someone to knock on my door.  As hard as it was to see it happen and love on him as he slipped away, it's way harder to watch your boys deal with this life event on the farm.  Trevin has cried and cried.  I just want to cry with him but I don't.  I save my crying for the shower.  That's the time I give myself to deal with life now that my bubble of a world has popped.  My heart hurts watching my boys and it hurts because this furry friend was my protector.  Everyone loves the feeling of being protected and that's exactly how Hank was...a protector.  I loved coming home to seeing him be "king of the hill".

Once our great neighbor and his wife got here, we began preparing to bury Hank.  It all happened so quickly and I'm thankful for that!  She stayed inside with Gentry while the rest of us went to put him to rest.  I wasn't sure if Trevin should be there to see Hank but my father in law called and after we talked he brought him over.  It was dark, cold, and foggy.  Trevin gets out of the pickup and I go to him and he's crying and says he wants to see him.  I just wanted to pick Trevin up and hold him and take away all his pain but I didn't.  He cried and sobbed and then he went to where the big boys were digging the hole and wanted to be apart of it.  Our neighbor was helping and after they got the hole dug he asked if we had a blanket we wanted to wrap him in and of course Trevin had just the one in mind.  So they put him on the blanket from the back of the pick up and carried him.  It took my breath away to watch Garrin, his buddy Dalton, Ryler, Trevin, my father in law, and my neighbor carry this animal to his place of rest.  Then our neighbor prayed.  I just wanted to cry.  Cry because it happened, cry because my boys were upset, cry because death is hard no matter what!  So after the prayer they began putting the dirt over him and Trevin was in the middle of it helping and crying.  I just stood there watching my boys coming into their own all at different phases.

That's something to watch...you teach your children and prepare them and pray over them...and then know it's out of your hands...but watching it with my own eyes was an amazing feeling.  I can't begin to put it into words.  I'm so proud of the men they're becoming, of how they're always there for each other, and how they did this without hesitation.  Remember, I wanted to run away.  I didn't want to handle this but knew I had to.  They're amazing boys becoming men and that fills my heart!

During this whole process I could hear my dad saying, "Suck it up, kid.  This is all part of life, it ain't easy but this is how God made it."  And then he'd usually say something to the effect of how you've got to be able to handle whatever life throws at you, learn something from it, and then KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  Pretty sure he'd be proud of me and most definitely proud of my boys.  I know I am.

I am thankful for our wonderful neighbor & their friendship.  I'm thankful for the man staying & helping after the accident...I was a crying mess!

Trinity

Seize the Moment!

Boys Night!  

Seize the Moment!

So it's a Tuesday night and we are having boys night.  Yes I know it's a school night but you know sometimes you just have to seize the moment.  And that's one thing I try to do...seize the moment!  Of course we all know that we only live once but taking the time to really live is what it's all about!

"Boys Night" is something my dad started with the big boys when they were little and now we are continuing the crazy fun with the little boys.  It's bittersweet!  I can't explain the feeling of joy and missing someone so much it hurts all at the same time...it's a feeling I just can't describe.  Happy and sad all at the same time.

My dad would fix the boys steak and they would get IBC Rootbeer, make a big mess, blowup the air mattress and watch Burn Notice.  My dad would stay the night, I can only imagine how uncomfortable that air mattress was with boys climbing all over.  But I don't know who looked forward to "boys night" more, my dad or the boys!  I wasn't allowed at boys night so I'd usually just work late and let them do their thing.  Sometimes I'd come home to a house that looked like a tornado had hit it and I'd think oh my and have some frustration...but the look on my boys face was priceless! There they were all piled up with grins from ear to ear...and I'm not just talking about my boys.  I think, well I know, my dad loved it just as much as the boys.  He used to tell me that they would out grow him in no time and that he was going to make the most of the time he had with them.  I feel like that a lot these days.  The boys are growing at rate faster than I'd like and I can hear my dad saying, "Enjoy it while it lasts because they'll out grow you before you know it!"

My dad never did anything the conventional or traditional way and we aren't about to start now!  So here's to boys night, thinking about my dad, missing my dad, but loving the awesome memories and lessons he taught!  Looks like we will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON and make awesome new memories doing it!

There Will Never Be Another Today...

There Will Never Be Another Today...

Ryler, Gary, & Garrin

I love pictures!  I take pictures all the time and my family gets annoyed with me but I don't care.  I love looking at pictures, it brings back all the memories.  And to be honest, until my dad died I never looked at old pictures and thought anything but pretty much happiness.  I'm thinking that says that I had a pretty sweet life.

I was living in a bubble with my happy little life, until my dad went to the hospital.  I realize just how blessed I am to have had such a wonderful childhood and adult life and I'm not going to let this life event change me for the worse.  

It's been 2 and a half years, seems like yesterday, but with the holidays approaching sometimes I just want to run away!  I now understand that life will never be the same!  EVER!  My dad used to say that the only thing constant was change.  I remember thinking, yeah yeah ok but not ever grasping what he was trying to tell me.  So while going through pics I found this one of my now 14 and 11 year olds and it brought back such happy memories!  I remember thinking how those sweet boys would be little forever and I never gave a thought to how life was changing everyday.  But who really thinks about stuff like that when they are in their 20's?  

While my little bubble has been popped and it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before, I still love looking at pictures from the past and I still take lots of pictures today.  It fills my heart when I look a pictures of my family.  I want to remember all the good, even the bad.  Because after all...we have to have the bad to know just how good the good is!  I'm thankful for it all, even on days when I want to stay in bed and say forget it...I can't help but think how lucky I am and what an awesome life I've been given...so I don't want to waste any of it.  After all, There Will Never Be Another Today! 

So ya know...just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Fear...Not Having It

Fear...Not Having It

Ryler Wayne Smith

The other day someone asked me if I worried about my son playing football and my first response was NO.  Everything in me says well yes it does but my heart says no.  It really made me think about how I view things.  And of course I view things with influence from my parents!  Do I like to watch football?  No!  I only watch it when my son is playing and then you can bet I'm the best football momma around and yes that includes wearing my son's button on my team shirt!  I choose not to fear or worry about him playing this sport for this reason...my dad used to tell me all the time, "If it's your time kid, it's your time.  Only God knows!  So just live life.  You know we all have close calls everyday, everyday...and people don't make a big deal about those but doing dangerous activity and people will act fearful and worry.  You've got to be ready because only God knows when it's your time."  Then he'd go on to talk about how we're suppose to live and grow old but only God knows how life will go and we aren't to fear or worry because it's basically all out of our control anyway.  So don't waste time and energy on things that might or might not happen.  I think of how many different times in my life that he reminded me of this and I'm so thankful that he always took the time to really explain life and never left anything unsaid!  

So do I like to watch football?  NO WAY!  But I watch my son, who loves to play, with peace and joy and he makes me super proud.  I pray for his safety but in all honesty I pray for all the boys in my house and their safety because after all boys will be boys!  Isn't that what makes boys into men...doing things that are just a little dangerous and pushing the limits?  My oldest likes to tell me that he's 10 feet tall and bulletproof and we both smile.  My dad used to say that all the time.  And then I remind him that no he's not and that I want him to grow up to live life long after I'm gone, so please stay safe!  

Raising boys is hard and trying on mommas but oh so worth the outcome of watching boys become men (and I'm just beginning to watch this unfold!).  And that reminds me that my dad used to tell me over and over, after having my first son and after having my other 3 sons...he said, "Trin, you only get them for 18 years!  Then they'll go off and find their own way in this world and hopefully let you be a part of that but you've only got them for 18 years, so make it count kid!"  I miss his wisdom and guidance!  I miss him everyday!  I reach for my phone to call him every single day!  I can feel his presence and I'm thankful but the pain is still so very real that he's not physically here.  But you know, only because he taught me this, I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Blur

Blur

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my dad or pick up my phone to call him!  To say that I miss him is a huge understatement.  It's been two and a half years since he died and sometimes it's like it was yesterday and others it's like a lifetime ago.  For whatever strange reason, I finally feel as if I am getting my life back together!  These last few years really seem like a blur.  I'm just thankful that I've snapped pictures, probably more than anyone will ever look at besides me, but I love looking back during this time of blur.  What makes me happy is seeing all my wonderful blessings...aka my hubby and 4 beautiful boys!

I think about my dad when the boys do something cute or funny, or when they're pushing me to my limit, or when I listen to talk radio, or when I put on my spyderco knife that my dad gave me.  It makes my heart happy to think about him and all that he taught me!  I'm trying to teach my boys the same things that he taught me but I think some things must already be hard wired in them.  I love it when they say things like he did or when they act like he did.  It's like I can feel his presence all around!  

I can't help but think about the circle of life.  My dad used to say that life goes on and you know what it really does...go on!  I'm realizing a lot of what my dad said as I gain life experiences.  And I can't help but smile and just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Another Year...

Another Year...

All I can say is that I really do not like the first day of school!  I love my boys being home and that we don't have too much of a schedule to keep.  Don't get me wrong, we are super busy in the summer!  There's always lots to do on the farm and the work is never done!  But I love love love my boys being around home.  They make messes, fuss, and annoy me but that feeling usually lasts a few minutes before I'm laughing or in deep conversation about life and realize how lucky I am!  I cherish my time with them!  It's so much fun to watch them learn and grow into grown up people with opinions and thoughts, even when they're not like mine!  It's an indescribable feeling and I don't want to lose it!

1st day of school 2014-2015

Back to school symbolizes another year gone by...it means that my boys are growing up and closer to the end goal of leaving home and spreading their wings...it makes me think of all the things I meant to do with them and never got around to it...it means schedules to keep...it means growing up!  I saw a toddler shirt the other day that said Don't Grow Up...It's a Trick.  I thought it was funny but really when you stop and think about it, it's the absolute truth!  I remember summer days lasting forever and counting down the days til I got my driver's license.  It seemed to last forever...little did I know it would pass so very quickly!  Don't you ever wish you knew then what you know now?!  I do but then I wonder if I would if life would be the same...probably not!

1st day of school 2013-2014

The first day of school this year was hard for this girl!  I really miss my dad!  Anytime I would be upset about the boys growing up, he had a way of reminding me that that's what they're suppose to do!  He'd tell me how it's my job to make them independent of me and to think for themselves.  But the thing he'd always say..."You don't want to raise any titty baby, do you kid?"  I could be crying my eyes out and when he'd say those words I'd just have to laugh.  Like I said, he had a way with words! So after I cried a little I had to bust out laughing just thinking about my dad.  I miss him everyday!  I miss
                                                                                                           his advice and guidance!                                                                                                                                            So you know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity

Mom's Night Out...the movie

Mom's Night Out...the movie

Yesterday was my 37th birthday and I pretty much planned my evening.  I knew I couldn't plan my whole day but I decided I was going to plan my evening.  I wanted to get my girlfriends and go to a movie and to be honest I really didn't care what movie.  I just wanted to have adult conversations and eat my own food without sharing and only go to the bathroom when I have to.  It sounds simple and selfish but for this momma of 4 boys, it's a luxury!  It was 5 years ago on my birthday that my dad went to the hospital, and my/our lives were changed forever.  One minute I'm swimming with my boys without a care in the world and the next I'm hoping that my dad will make it...but knowing in my heart that he wouldn't and he would never be the same.  That's kinda hard to grasp when I think about it now and I just needed a little girl time.

So back to the movie with my girlfriends...I had been wanting to go to this old movie theater in the small town about 45 minutes away.  I'd heard how great it was and cheap and the show dogs were just awesome.  I'd plan to go with my boys or hubby and something would always come up and we just never made it happen.  I thought...I'm going for my birthday.  When I checked to see what was playing I couldn't help but think it was meant to be when Mom's Night Out was showing.  I'd seen a few previews for it and thought it'd be funny.  However I never expected it to be so funny yet so close to the truth!  My friend leaned over and said is this a documentary of your life...I laughed and laughed and laughed some more and pee'd my pants just a little!  It was the perfect movie for my girls night out with the perfect company to boot.  I couldn't have planned it any better...if you've seen the movie you'll understand the whole planning thing!  

So here's to my mom blog... feeling completely stressed... lost in this world... questioning if you're doing all the right things for your children and husband... not having a minute to complete your thoughts... well I learned a little something from that movie...we are enough!!!  Yes that's right...WE ARE ENOUGH!  Right where we're at, we are enough!  So to all moms out there...know that and understand that God has a bigger plan and that you are enough right where you are!  This is just what I needed to Keep On Keepin' On! 

Get Over It...

Get Over It...

I've heard this several times since my dad died...It'll take awhile to Get Over It.  Now I'm sure that I've said that to people in the past and had no idea what I was saying and how it felt to them.  I'm learning what not to say!  But you know, until you have lived through certain situations you really don't know how you'd handle it.  Here's what I do know...YOU NEVER GET OVER IT!!!  You simply learn to live a new way of life without them.  I say simply as if it is really simple but it's far from it.

When a person that's loved and gives love dies, they leave a huge empty space that's not only physical but emotional as well.  You notice the physical absence immediately and the emotional absence seems to be harder the longer time goes by.  I grab my phone to call my dad over the littlest of things only to realize I can't talk to him.  Sometimes it's ok and other times it's all I can do not to bust out in tears.  Depending on when this wave of emotion comes over me depends on if I let those tears out.  I seriously never knew how much the wind could get knocked out of me at the most random times.  But the thing that I think about when this happens is...

If you love, live life, make the best of everyday (the good and the bad), and laugh then you are really living life.  And if you're really living life then no matter how long or short your time is on earth, your presence will be missed but you will have left a lasting impression on those around you and that you love.  So in a nutshell...LIFE GOES ON BUT YOU NEVER GET OVER IT!  I'm thinking that I'd rather have had all the great experiences and really lived life than not.  So you know you've got to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Father's Day

This is the 3rd Father's Day card I've bought for my dad since he died...
I can't help but still get him a card and fill it out.  I guess it's my
way of a little therapy.

Father's Day

It's been 2 years since my dad died and this makes the 3rd Father's Day without him...it's still rough!  I miss him!  I miss him everyday!  I still reach for the phone to call him everyday and still think he'll come driving up my road.  I miss him!  To say that it gets easier with time, like I've heard, is completely false in my opinion!  It is just a different way of life now.  And I can hear my dad saying, "You can either make this a great ordeal or a great adventure...don't waste time, kid!  Life's not fair but you've got lots to be thankful for!"  

I can't imagine how hard this way of life would be if my dad hadn't had such an amazing attitude about living and dying while he was here.  When I get down, I can hear him and the way he said things, and I can't help but smile and laugh just a little!  He really had a way with words and loved getting your attention by using a little shock factor, which I tend to do too!  He could light up a room like no other and I miss that!  I miss him!  The boys talk about him everyday and even the little ones talk about him like they knew him as well as the big boys.  It makes my heart happy and sad all at the same time.  I can't believe he's not here to make his mark on the little ones like he did with the big boys or that he's not here to help guide the big boys!  That makes my heart hurt.  I can feel him here but I really miss his presence.  

I just keep thinking about how short life really is and that we're not guaranteed tomorrow, something I think my dad really understood.  I'm guessing spending time in war would make a person have that understanding.  This is one life lesson learned from my dad that I'm so thankful he took the time to teach me.  Now I'm trying to teach it to my boys...Life's not fair and it's too short to sweat the small stuff!  My dad had a way of making even the worst situations good.  I'm a firm believer it's because of  his amazing attitude on life.  So I will try to do just as my dad taught me and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Just A Few Passions...

Why does life get so busy that we can't get to the things that tug at our heart?  Is it because we let society tell us what we have to do and when?  Is it because we're so focused on the day in and day out of life that we forget what really drives us?  I've thought lots about this lately as I haven't made time to do some of the things that I'm passionate about.  Well, now that it's officially summer break for my kiddos I feel like a whole new person!  So back to my passions and what really drives me.

I'm the mom that LOVES her kiddos being home!  I absolutely love love love them at home!  I have fun with them and our entire house feels balanced again.  I want to do all kinds of fun things with the boys and most don't require much except my time.  This is just one of my passions!   Oh, did I mention that I love my boys being home?!

I've been writing and love it...I haven't been blogging but working on a few other projects and that is something I never thought I'd love.  It's crazy how much things change.  My dad used to tell me, "The art of life lies in constant readjustment to your surroundings."  I'm reminded of this often and especially with a house full of boys!

I'm passionate about politics and try to stay up on the happenings of the world.  However, sometimes I get very frustrated and have to take a step back.  But for the most part, I really love my talk radio and learning about the things that will impact my family for years to come.

Something else that tugs at my heart is being healthy.  Notice I didn't say being skinny, but being healthy!  There's a big difference and I want to be healthy.  Let me just say that being healthy takes lots of time and planning.  I'm trying to teach the boys about being healthy and that's hard to do in our society these days.  We seem to live in such a fast paced world that it doesn't matter if it's good for you and that no one should rest.  I aim to teach my boys differently!

What can I say, I have a few passions!  These are just a few and I could list many more but these are the most important to me.  So here's to summer and finding my passions!  I will enjoy every minute of these short two months with my boys and then I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Two years...

Two years...

This month has been full of emotions and I'm doing good to just be upright.  Every activity this time of year reminds me of what I was doing 2 years ago.  I was with my mom and dad as my dad was dying.  It's the weirdest thing how you remember things and forget others.  It's not that this time of year is any harder than any other times of the year but I most definitely remember all that was going on while I was with my parents.  Been two years of finding myself and learning so much and having to grow up but my hubby has been amazing!  I never knew how much love he has for me.

Two years ago I spent about 6 weeks at my parents house, rarely coming home to spend time with my family.  I knew that I was at my parents house because my dad was dying and I was going to help him die the way that he wanted.  I'm so thankful to have had that time with them and been able to do it.  It seems so strange to say my parents house because now it's my mom's house.  There is a different feeling not having both parents, almost like a part of you is gone and will never be the same.  I know things always change but this was one big change that I knew was coming yet I'm still trying to find my way and grasp it all.

Spring is a busy time of year and I was totally focused on my time with my dad that I didn't pay much attention to all that was going on with my family.  I probably should have talked to my big boys a little more about what all was going on but you know hindsight is always 20/20.  I remember having a conversation with my dad about not dying on anyone's birthday.  We both laughed and he said, "Not to worry, kid!"  As if you can control just when you're going to die, but as usual my dad just reassured me that that wouldn't happen.  He had such a way of reassuring me and encouraging me.  I can not even begin to express how much I miss him.

Easter came and went while I was at my parents and I didn't do one thing for my boys.  I remember telling my dad that I hadn't done the boys an Easter basket that year and he just kept telling me that that's not what it's all about!  Over and over he reinforced how it's not about the stuff, and it's all about the time and relationships to build and the life lessons you leave behind.  He had such a way with words!  So guess what, I haven't done another Easter basket yet.  I'm sure my kids will be in therapy when they're adults just to deal with how I failed them during Easter, but guess what...I just keep hearing my dad say, "It's not about the stuff, kid.  It's not about the stuff!"  However, I am thankful that my mother in law always takes the time to make the boys some goodie bags.

So it's almost been 2 years, some ways it doesn't seem like it's been that long and other ways it still doesn't seem real!  I grab my phone to call my dad EVERYDAY!  I think he will drive up anytime to just drop by.  I don't know what I expected with the death of my dad, but I didn't expect to have the wind knocked out of me at the most unexpected times.  I didn't expect to pick up the phone to call him everyday or that I'd have such a hard time KEEPIN' ON

, but oh well life is not what you expect.  Everyday is a training day for the next and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON...

Trinity

All Those Feelings...

Could life get any better than this?

All Those Feelings...


I love pictures, just ask my family.  I take pictures all the time and usually drive them crazy but I don't care.  I love them and love looking back at them.  Just looking at them takes me back to that moment in time and it's the most amazing feeling.  So I've always got my phone out and sometimes the big camera because I don't want to miss anything.

I took this the other night when I went in to check on the boys and it completely melted my heart.  For a number of reasons,
1.  They're growing up too fast!
2.  They love each other!                                                                                      3.  Where has all this time gone?

These little babies that once needed me for everything now are growing into young boys and men and I couldn't be more proud.  However, I do think about my dad and wish he was here to see it all and help guide me with these precious souls and that he'd be super proud of them too.  And this reminds me of a funny story...

My older two boys were busy with dad, as it should be, on a Saturday afternoon. (We only had two at the time.)  I usually worked a lot but that Saturday I was finished early and it hit me hard that these boys that had been attached to me were no longer.  So I did what I usually did...called my dad.  Well by the time I dialed and he answered, I'm in a full blown melt down and he's laughing because he can't understand a thing I'm saying.  I'm going on and on about how the boys don't need or want me anymore and what was I suppose to do now.  I am blubbering and carrying on, like I can do! ;)  And my dad is laughing and saying, "Kid, they're doing what they're suppose to be doing.  It'll all be alright and you've got to enjoy what you've got because they're only going to keep growing and in the blink of an eye they'll be leaving home, just as it should be, to build a life that you've taught them how to do.  So just enjoy the messes now."  He tells me this and is still laughing at my emotional state.  I talk to my mom, who is way more sympathetic,  and she reassures me in only a way that mommas can that it will all be ok.  I hung up the phone still upset, lost, and sad...so I picked myself up and went to an afternoon movie all by myself.  I remember it was suppose to be funny (The Tooth Fairy) and I just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks with so many emotions running through me.  I laugh every time that movie is on now and think about my conversation with my mom and dad and all those feelings that I had.

My boys are growing up and becoming amazing young boys and young men and I'm enjoying everyday and all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it.  I love that my parents took time to listen and talk to me about what I was feeling and I hope that I will do that with my boys as they grow up and leave home and spread their wings and fly.  You know...I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Swirling....1,2,3,4

     Life can sure be funny.  Sometimes just when I think I'm getting in my groove and things are going well, out of nowhere comes a big truck and just almost runs me over!  You know it doesn't just take you out but just catches you so off guard that you're left swirling around trying to get a grip and then another truck comes and sends you swirling in another direction.  This happened to me a few weeks ago and it feels like I'm just now standing up straight and able to focus.  Life with 4 boys on the farm and the day to day chaos that it brings has kept me from making time for me to do my writing therapy and I can feel it.  I never knew that pouring out my heart and soul on "paper" could make me feel so much better!

     #1....Life's not fair so "Suck It Up Buttercup"....  My dad used to tell me this all the time and now I tell myself this everyday as well as my 4 boys!  Except I really wish that my dad was the one telling me, I wish he was here.  I miss him!  Now I have to be the one and most days I'm ok with that but some days I want to say screw it, go to bed, and wake up the next day with a whole new attitude but I can't.  So I just "Suck It Up" and make the most of what today brings.

     #2....Being a parent is the hardest gig ever! ....  I want so much for my children, not material things but life lessons and experiences.  I don't want to always have to be responsible or discipline but that's part of being a parent.  My heart breaks when my child struggles or they're heartbroken and it's unbelievable pain but I refuse to swoop in and fix everything for them because as hard as it is for me to watch, I know it'll be at least 10x harder on them later if I don't let them grow and learn how to handle things in life that come their way.  Seriously being a parent...hardest gig ever!

     #3....Best high you can get and money can't buy it....  Being a parent is the best high ever and you can't buy it with money.  The hugs, kisses, smiles, cuddles, questions of why, the everything about being a parent is AMAZING!  Knowing that it won't last forever, takes my breath away!  I want it to last and I want to remember it all and know that I lived it all and embraced it all!  Everyday I wake up and think that I have so much to teach and train the boys before they go off into this big old world and make their own way and I'm filled with excitement, sadness, and anxious all at the same time!  I just need it to slow down just a little but since I can't make that happen, I just hold on and savor every part like it was the best meal I've ever eaten.

     #4....There is evil in this world....  I have to deal with and I must teach my boys so they'll be armed to deal with the evil that will face them when I'm no longer in arms reach to protect them.  Teaching my boys about the evil is in no way fun but it must be done!

     This is just a little glimpse of what I've been dealing with.  Behind each of these titles is a story but I didn't have time to write them...so this will have to do for now.  I know we all have battles and struggles that we face everyday and that we all make a choice to let it rule us or that we will rule it...I miss my dad to help me and talk me through the day to day struggles of living life but I have much work to do to teach my boys all that I must...so you know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity

Pause button, I miss my dad.

Pause button, I miss my dad.


     My dad reminded me over and over that he'd rather live "One day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb".  And as time goes on I'm understanding that more and more but that doesn't take away the fact that I miss him!  I miss him everyday!  People say that time will make it better and I wonder if those people have dealt with death or if they're just trying to say something comforting.  I can't tell that time will make it better...I miss my dad.

     As time goes on I feel just as my dad, I know big surprise!  I'd rather live "One day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb".  I want to live fiercely, full of life and love!  That being said it's hard to do but I'm prepared for the challenge.  After all my dad trained me and prepared me to live life without him, just as I realize I'm doing with my boys.  I want them to be equipped to live life without me.  If I don't teach them how to live without me then, I'm failing them as their parent!  And I don't want to fail, I won't fail.  Therefore, I must walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk.  So being the parent is hard, it's even harder when I miss my dad.

     Some days I'm full of strength to face the day with a house full of boys but occasionally I'm doing good to get through the day.  I hate that feeling of just getting through the day, it feels like I've wasted that day.  For whatever reason I have this urge to make the most of everyday and not waste any part of life.  I can't tell if this feeling comes from watching my dad die or watching how fast my boys are growing up, maybe it's both.  I really need a pause button.  I need time to rest, plan, prepare, or as my dad would say, "Get your shit together!"

     So I miss my dad!  I want to call him everyday, numerous times throughout the day.  I think he'll be driving up anytime and I keep thinking did he really die or is this all been a bad dream?  I miss my dad!  Then I think about how blessed I've been with this amazing dad and realize that I've got to teach the boys just like he told me to and you know ...KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Never Say Never

Never Say Never...

 My dad used to say this all the time.  I've had some big life changes in the last few years and I'm reminded of this saying.  It speaks so much truth on many levels.  Never Say Never.  I never thought I'd be doing the things I'm doing these days but I'm so thankful that I am.  Life is funny and sometimes karma is a bitch, my dad said those as well!  So I'm telling you my life is funny and well, karma I don't really care much for her.

So here's a little about what I've been up to lately. I've been helping hubby feed cattle since he's the one with a what I like to call "real job".  You know the kind that requires working for a corporation and following rules, something I've been fortunate enough not to have to do.  I've always worked for myself or small businesses.  So back to me helping hubby…even though we've been married almost 18 years I'm still new to understanding the farming operation.  Every night I usually get my marching orders from hubby and I have to write it all out in detail which place has how many cattle and what kind of hay they get from what hay patch.  I'm super thankful for technology because I usually call hubby at least once during the day with a question about something!  

So this particular day was cold and I'd been breaking ice so the cattle could have water and I was down to my last stop.  I wrote down most of the directions the night before but I left out a little detail.  And let's just say that little details on the farm are BIG!  If you miss a little detail on the farm, then animals can die, money can be lost, and lots more work can be made for everyone.  So I was suppose to put one of these round bales in the lot for the cattle but it had to be a rye bale.  Hubby said he put a few bales out in front of the lot to make it easy for me but then when I went to put the big hay bale in the lot…I couldn't remember which one to get!  So I call hubby and he's describing which bale by color and texture…seriously, I thought hay was hay!  It's all big round bales of hay!  So I quickly got a little talk about how hay is not hay and what some of the reasons are why you feed certain hay and when.  I really couldn't figure out which hay so I took a picture and sent it to him and then he directed me from there.  Once again I'm very thankful for technology!  So I got the right hay where it needed to go.  Mission accomplished for that day and I couldn't help but think about just how far I've come!

Never Say Never!  I never thought I'd be helping on the farm and loving it!  I would've never had the courage to close my successful salon to stay at home and help my hubby on the farm if it hadn't been for my dad!  He really pushed me to make this life change and without his insight I think about all that I'd be missing.  I've already missed out on so much with my hubby and the big boys but I'm not going to miss anymore!  There is something about the farm that is just awesome, I don't really have another word to describe it.  It's awesome and I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity and that I didn't let never hold me back!  

So with this new year, I want to remember the encouragement and strength my dad gave me to make this big change and pass it on to others around me.  Life is always changing and nothing stays the same forever.  I can't think of any better way to honor my dad than to pass on his encouragement and wise wisdom.  Every day is a new day.  So this year I want to live every day…the good, the bad, and the ugly…and find the good in it all.  You know I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity