Christmas Day...

     I made it through Christmas without my dad's physical presence but can feel him here.  I'm sitting in his office chair at his desk writing tonight with a wide range of emotions.  Shortly after dad left this world, mom gave me dad's desk & chair.  He had it set up in the living room at his house and used his computer and read much there.  So when we brought it to my house, I put it in storage for a short while.    Then I wanted it in the living room just like my dad had it, so this is where I'm at tonight.  I feel him and I'm thankful for that but I want to see him and hug him.  I miss him more than words can say.  It's snowed and my mom is here and I'm so thankful that she's here!  I kinda wish it'd snow some more so she'd have to stay another day or two but I also want her to get over to see my sister.  We have been watching movies and playing and eating, total relaxing.  This is how my dad would always want it, relaxed!  I'm thankful he insisted on the relaxing part of the family get togethers.

     Gentry is asleep and now we are all in the living room watching what my dad would call a "shoot em up bang" movie...The Expendables 2.  Dad always loved watching "shoot em bangs".  I think it must be a boy thing.  I've grown up watching these kinds of movies with my dad and he'd let the boys watch some as well.  Now I have to decide which ones are too much for them, instead of dad doing that for me!  Just another part of having to grow up I guess.  Dad wanted me to make sure that I didn't make the boys too soft.  It seems that more often these days we are softening our boys from an early age and taking away their manliness.  I've always thought that men should be strong, not just physically but mentally as well, and that they'd have the where with all to do whatever it takes to take care of their family and their beliefs.  So naturally I married someone like that and I want to teach my boys to be like that.  It's frustrating living in a world that wants to take all this away from boys and men.  Once again, I'm going against the grain!  I really don't mind truth be told.  I'm just soaking all this in...mom here with us...all spending time together...knowing that nothing stays the same forever makes me want to pause time.  I know that can't happen so I'll embrace these moments and soak them in like the aroma from cookies baking in the oven.

     Back to the relaxing part of family get togethers, dad had that calming presence and would insist on everyone enjoying.  I don't know why we sometimes think that everything should be Martha Stewart perfect, that's not the real meaning of family or Christmas.  The best part of family is not how everything looks or really even tastes (yes good food is always a 'good thing') but more importantly how everyone feels when they're together.  Last post I wrote about the feeling of being loved at Christmas, but it's really about feeling loved everyday!  I felt loved everyday that my dad was here.  You know the kind of safe, secure love that would do anything for you all while encouraging you to be the best you can be...that's what it's about!  It's not about how great I can decorate, cook, or clean and organize...it's about how I make others feel around me...loved!  So I will focus on giving my boys the gift of feeling loved and protected.  Isn't that how Jesus wants us to feel?

     Tonight I'm thankful for all that I have and I'm thankful for the time I had with my dad.  I miss him terribly and I know that my mom misses him more than I'll ever know.  A few days ago when I was having a moment (realizing that dad wouldn't be here for Christmas!) Gary reminded me of what my dad would say, "Suck it up, buttercup"!  He told me I'd better get my act together because the boys deserved to have a good Christmas and if I was crying around then I'd ruin it for them.  Gary said just like my dad would, make the best of it and after it's all over then you can lay around and cry about it, but for now you've got to be strong!  This sounded so much like my dad and it made me smile.  I'm thankful for Gary...he's my rock!

     I don't feel like losing it yet, maybe I won't, but I've sucked it up and we've all had a great family Christmas.  Relaxed, just like dad would want it!  Loved, just like mom & dad have taught me!  I'm one lucky girl and no present could come close to the feeling of family and love!  We all will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  Merry Christmas...

Trinity

Too much...

 Too much

    Here I am, once again, fighting the urge to give into society's or the devil's scheme.  It's the day before Christmas Eve and I'm wrapping presents and panic sets in...I don't have enough stuff!  My mind goes crazy thinking about how I didn't get the boys enough.  The tv is on in the background and every commercial reinforces my thoughts of not getting the boys enough presents.  I'm falling into the pit quickly thinking ok I'll go to Wal-Mart.  Hello, it's 11:30 at night and I'm thinking about going to Wal-Mart to buy more crap.  So I talk to Gary and he's starting to get frustrated with me to say the least, so I drop it.  But deep down I'm thinking I should've gotten them more.  After wrapping what I already had and really thinking, I realize so many things.  I felt my dad talking to me, as he did every year at this time, telling me that the boys already had enough crap!  He used to tell me, "Trin, you buy too much shit!  The boys have too much shit!  Why don't you just stop buying shit and spend time with them doing things they want to do!  The boys don't care about all the shit, they care about being with you!"  If you can't tell, my dad thinks that I have too much "shit".  And in all actuality I do!

     My dad is not physically here this year to keep me in line but Gary is doing an awesome job!  When I think about years past I remember just how much dad would remind me of the above!  Really, dad has always been one that's not impressed with the stuff.  He could live in anything anywhere and find the joy and happiness in everything.  I feel his presence and it's so comforting to know he's still reminding me and teaching me, all I have to do is be still and listen.  I know I'm doing the right thing in many ways...listening to Gary...not buying too much stuff...spending time with them (boys)...being thankful for all that I already have!  Wow my parents really have taught me a few things that have sunk in, I've been told I'm a little hard headed!  I'm so thankful for Gary, he really puts up with a lot and still loves me.  We will open some presents tonight and tomorrow and we will appreciate all that we've got and celebrate the real reason for Christmas...the birth of Jesus!

     This whole thought process made me think...why do we think we have to spend so much or get so much crap for Christmas?  It's all so commercialized, just as most things are these days.  Dad is right the kids don't really care about getting all the crap, they want your attention and time.  I was thinking about my Christmas presents growing up and I can really only remember just a few...my own phone line!  Yes, I'm dating myself.  Back before everyone had cell phones and call waiting, I got my own phone line so I didn't have to share with mom and dad.  However, I think mom & dad enjoyed it just as much as I did.  They'd call me on my phone in my room to bring them something to them in their room!  Or my favorite was when dad would call me to wake me up and sing on the phone.  Now that's a great memory.  That's just one present I remember clearly, let me just say that I got way more than plenty!  But I don't remember all the presents, I remember driving all night to get to my sister's then to my Granny's and being around all the family.  I remember most the feeling of being loved!  That's right, what I remember most is the feeling of being loved!!!

     So today is Christmas Eve and I'm thankful for all that we've got and that we get to spend time together making memories.  I hope my boys will look back and remember the feeling of being loved, just as I do!  I will do everything to make sure I pass that feeling on to them because it's way better than any present ever!  Thank you mom & dad for giving me the best of everything...your time!  Thank you Gary for putting up with my craziness and still loving me!  Thank you dad, I can still feel your presence...please don't leave!  And of course thank you for Jesus!  Yes this time of year is hard without my dad here physically, but so is everyday!  But I will "suck it up, buttercup!"  as dad would tell me and find happiness in all that we have!  Because no matter how hard it is, I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Learning a little everyday.

Imus in the morning on Fox News...

     I never usually watch Imus in the morning on Fox News but for almost 5 weeks I watched it with my dad.  If we didn't watch Fox then it was cooking channel or discovery but every morning was Imus.  I learned that my mom & dad would watch it every morning and then laugh and cuss and discuss whatever they saw.  I feel very privileged that they let me be apart of that part of their life.  Actually I feel so very blessed that I got to be apart of their life day and night for those unbelievably hard but so precious weeks.  I think back to those weeks and feel happiness, sadness, love, laughter, teachable moments, and the feeling that nothing stays the same forever!  I've heard that my whole life from mom and dad but it really has new meaning to me now.

     So back to Imus...yesterday I had the tv on the news (mainstream media).  I haven't been able to watch Fox News since my time with my dad.  Dad & I would always talk about the news and the way things were going in the world.  If I haven't mentioned that I'm just a little conservative when it comes to politics, I should tell you now that I am.  I'm sure I got some of those thoughts from dad, as he's pretty conservative as well.  (I realize that I talk about dad in the present tense but it just feels wrong to use past tense right now.  It'll probably feel wrong for the rest of my life!)  I really enjoyed our times of talking about the news on Fox or talk radio.  I didn't realize how much time I spent talking with dad about all this until now!  He's not here to talk to!  It still doesn't seem real and I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up from this long bad dream, but I don't because this is reality.  I'm learning that reality really sucks at times.  I'd had all I could take of the mainstream media so I thought I'll just turn it over to Fox News.  It was comforting in one regard and brought tears to my eyes in another.  I just wanted my dad.  I want to talk to him, hear his voice, feel his comforting presence, I want my dad!

     After last weeks school shooting I've never wanted to talk to my dad more.  When things seem crazy it's always comforting to talk to or be around your parents, at least for me anyway.  So as I watched all the mainstream media I could handle and I turned it over to Fox News I began to realize that my dad is really gone and that he's not coming back.  I wanted to talk to him so bad but as I watched the news I began to understand so many things that my dad had taught me.  Now I understand so much more.  It's like the light bulb came on and I gained a little bit of peace and understanding.  Yes I miss my dad terribly and want him back everyday but it's nothing to what the parents of the children from the school shooting are feeling.  As a parent my heart aches for these families and I don't have the to words to say or write, except I'm sorry.  Children left this world all too early for reasons only God knows.  As I realize all of this I count my many blessings and am so thankful for the time I've had with my dad.  It's so important to embrace today and make the most of everyday because we aren't guaranteed tomorrow. I think it's in the book of Matthew that says something about don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.

     As time goes on and I grow a little more each day, I hope to be half as great a parent as my parents have been to me.  I'm thankful everyday and I will make the most of everyday...the good, the bad and everything in between!  I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  Thank you mom and dad!

Trinity

Accepting others...

Accepting others...



     I often wonder why people treat others in ways less than desirable.  And why we can't be accepting of others when they're not like us.  It seems that if you're a free spirit or free thinker then other people can't relate and if they can't relate then they don't understand.  When they don't understand then they can't accept you or your way of thinking.  This doesn't seem fair to me.  Now I'm reminded of my mom and dad always telling me that "Life's not fair!"  I've heard this many many times throughout my life and now I'm having to teach this to my boys.  And that's really not fair.  I now understand when my mom would be upset if I was upset, because she wanted to fix it for me or make it better.  Even though she knew it was something that I'd have to learn on my own, it doesn't stop a mother from wanting to make things better for her children.  I will never understand why we all can't be accepting of each other just they way we are, after all God didn't make us all the same.

     I hope I'm understanding of others even if I don't agree with them.  I hope that I treat people the same no matter who's around.  What kind of message does it send when you treat people differently depending on who you're with?  I mean seriously, did Jesus treat people differently depending on who he was with?  If we are suppose to be Christians then shouldn't we be open minded and not judgmental of others and their actions?  Here's an example, I support our 2nd Amendment Right to keep and bear arms.  I realize there are lots of people in this country that don't support the 2nd Amendment, that's fine   if they don't support it but don't take my rights away because what I believe makes you uncomfortable or you don't agree with me.  That's what makes this country the best, we can all have our opinion and beliefs, no matter how different they may be, all because people have stood up for that right.  Our soldiers; past, present, and future have sacrificed and some have paid the ultimate price so that we may have the right to disagree publicly!  What an awesome country this is!  Now this is a big example of what I'm talking about but here's another one...If you're truly friends with someone then it shouldn't matter what road they take in life.  I have a few friends and family members that are non-believers of the Christian faith.  So does that mean that I can't be friends with them, even in front of my Christian friends?  I certainly think not!!!  If I'm your friend then I'm your friend no matter what!  Now that doesn't mean that I'm not going to tell you how I think or feel (I tend to tell others without holding back!) But by no way shape or form will I not love you and support you!  That's what I think it means to be friends and understanding of others.  I have a very dear friend that has very strong beliefs and has been very supportive of me and my big changes over the years and she treats me the same no matter who is around and what decisions I'm making.  But what I love is that she calls me out on my actions but never changes the fact that we're friends!

     My dad taught me this lesson when I was in junior high...he drove this 1979 Jeep, a hunting wagon junker and my mom drove an older model Mercedes.  Yes they're complete opposites!  My dad took me with him in his Jeep to the drive through at the bank to get some cash.  He looked a little rough with his long unkept hair and his faded button up shirt driving his junker Jeep.  The bank all but asked for his first born!  They hassled him to get cash out of his own account.  Then we went home and he combed his hair just a little and got in my mom's car.  We drove down to the same drive through at the same bank with the same teller and had absolutely no problem whatsoever to get cash from his account!  They didn't even recognize us, all they noticed was what we were driving!  This just didn't make sense to me and after a long discussion I began to understand.  Who are we to judge?  My dad taught me to never judge someone by the way they look, what they drive, where they live, etc.  Now I must teach my boys the same and it's difficult at best living in a world consumed with materialism!

     Now I'm trying to teach my boys to be understanding of others and their actions while standing up for how they feel!  It's hard to teach them to have strong convictions and not be easily swayed when some adults can't grasp this concept!  I understand that you must lead by example and that is exactly what I will do, no matter how hard it is.  Whether it's teaching them not to judge others by what they have or teaching them to be accepting of how others live their life even if others actions don't follow theirs, I will do my best!  Hey, nobody ever said this parenting gig was easy!  I know this is a little rambling but I really don't care...this is me!  And I will be me!  You know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity

This is my rant...

     This is my rant.  I know I'll offend some but this is how I feel.  And sometimes my feelings get a little intense during certain times of the month.  There's a little humor!  I'm a passionate person and stand up for how I feel about things.  So during this journey of figuring out the right way to live, my friends have had many different responses.  I appreciate those that will tell me how they really feel  whether we agree or not.  I feel like that's true friendship and I've only got time for true friendships!  Life's too short to spend worrying about what others think of how you do things.  The only person I have to answer to for my actions is God!  After that, I must think about how my actions will affect my husband and my children and no one else.  This is something that my dad would always remind of, worry about those in your teepee first!  It's such an easy concept and so hard to do at times but I'm working on it!  After all aren't we all a work in progress?

     So I started this blog because I quit my job and closed my business and I just wanted to write about how that felt.  I didn't really start writing until my dad died and by that time I'd been home for about a year and added baby boy #4.  I didn't really count this time as beginning my new career, I was having baby and taking care of the other three boys and really just taking some time to regroup.  Then when it became clear that my dad was dying fast it put everything in a new perspective!  I'm so thankful that I wasn't working and that I could be there with him and my mom during that time.  During this "time off" from working I realized just how important it is for me to be at home!  Yes I said that, it's important for me to be at home taking care of my "teepee".  My dad reminded me of how important my job is to be at home to take care of my boys over and over and made me promise to do my best everyday to take care of my family.  I listened carefully and began to realize just how important it is for one parent to be at home with the kiddos.  My dad was at home with me after he was hurt in an oilfield accident when I was young and my mom climbed the corporate ladder.  It was a little out of the ordinary back then but it totally worked for our family.  I've been blessed with two amazing parents as role models and the values they've taught me are priceless!  Through watching and listening to them I realize just how important my job is to be at home.  So why do we let "society" make us think that it's not good enough to be at home taking care of our family?  Why do other women judge us because we've decided to focus on our family?  I just don't understand why we all can't be supportive and encouraging of each other!  I'd like for someone to tell me why it's ok to judge others.  Really, where does it say that we should judge each other in the Bible?  I realize just how much I'm needed at home and everything runs so smooth when a parent is there to take care of whatever rises.  I'm so thankful that I've figured this out before my kiddos are all grown up because I've already missed a lot of time with my older two.  I'm not going to miss out anymore!

     It's very empowering to take care of my family and I feel very lucky to have this opportunity.  With that being said I really miss the boys now that they're at school!  They're so much fun and I just really enjoy spending time with them.  Now here's where my ranting comes in...now that the boys are at school, I'm having to adjust to the rules!  Let me just say that I don't really care for the rules!  I think everyone in my family is already tired of my ranting about this so I thought I'd share the joy.  Why do I have to have a doctor's note to keep my child home from school?  Am I not smart enough to know that my child doesn't feel well?  And do you have to go to the doctor for every little sneeze, cough, throwing up thing that comes along?  Most of the time all they need is a little rest.  How can you rest when you have to go see the doctor and wait in the waiting room?  Most of the time the doctor is over booked and busy, probably because all these kiddos that are just needing to rest have to go to the doctor to get a note just so their absent will be an excused absent!  Really!?!  You've got to be kidding me!  I'm their mother and I have to justify with a piece of paper from a doctor why I've kept my child at home to rest!  Can we say "I will not comply!" according to Glenn Beck!  If you don't listen to Glenn Beck then you're not going to understand, maybe do a little research.  If I understand things properly, the public schools are funded by the government, the government funds the public schools with our tax dollars, so therefore the public schools work for us, the public!  Then why doesn't it feel like that?  This is a whole other post or 2,3,4, or maybe 5- I can go on and on when it comes to things like this!  I know the schools are just doing their jobs but it really ticks me off!  However, I will do my best to follow the rules even though it goes against how I feel.  I don't really know if that's a good thing or not but I do have to keep the peace in my "teepee"!

     Like I said this is my rant and at times it's more intense than others...the joys of being a woman I guess.  So my focus will be on my family and not what others think.  I hope that we can all be supportive and respectful of each other because after all we are not all the same.  And that's what makes this country so great, we are all different.  And of course I will "KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!"

Trinity

Six Months Later...A letter to my dad.

It's been 6 months and I just had to write a letter to my dad, so here goes.

Dad,
     Yesterday marks 6 months since you left this earth and began your new journey.  It still doesn't seem real that you're not here and not coming back!  I miss you so much dad!  Mom has good days and hard days as do the rest of us.  But you've taught us to be strong and she's one strong and amazing woman.  No wonder you fell in love with her, she's awesome beyond what I can describe.  Mom is doing just like you told her!  I know you're proud of her, I am!  The boys talk about you everyday and Trevin says he's gonna be Papa now, since you're not coming back.  They're strong just like you.  I think about you everyday.  I wake up in the morning and reach for my phone to call you, only your name isn't there.  I want to call you so many times throughout the day to tell you what I heard on Glenn Beck, to tell you about the funny and cute things the boys are doing, to ask you what to do about the boys, to simply hear your voice.  I know you're with us and I can feel your presence but I want to see you and hear your voice but most of all I want a hug.  I miss your reassurance, love, support, friendship, and guidance.  But most of all I miss your smile!  I know that life goes on, that's what you taught me, but I just didn't expect it to be this hard.  I've done just like you've told me to do, I've gotten up everyday and given my best and taken care of the boys.  I was listening when you told me that after you were gone was the hard part.  I couldn't understand at that time, after all watching someone (not just someone but you) die was the hardest thing I've ever witnessed.  However, just as hard as that was, it's nothing compared to going on with life without you here.  I mean how am I suppose to be happy and enjoy when you're not here to be happy and enjoy with us?  The only thing that gets me through is knowing that you're not in pain anymore!  Your strength will always amaze me!  I don't know how you got up everyday and made the best of it, you're attitude and strength will always inspire me.  For as long as I can remember you've been in pain and I don't ever remember you letting that define you.  Dad, I hope I can be as positive as you've been in your life.  I know that God needed a warrior like you to help fight the spiritual battle that we are facing but I miss you so much.  58 years just doesn't seem like enough time and it's just not fair! I know, I know life's not fair.  I know you've taught me that but right now I just miss you.  I know you already know this but I love you and I thank you for all you've done (and continue to do in only ways that you can!) for me and my family.  I know you've given up so much to always be there for me and I'm so very thankful.  I love you, Trin

Big changes just keep coming...

     There's a lot to be said for sticking with something even if it's not working the way you want it to.  There's also a lot to be said for changing gears midstream because what you're doing isn't working.  It takes courage to do both of these!  It can bring on feelings of failure, success, joy, apprehension, and of course worry.  However, I have learned that worry steals from today and there's no guarantee of tomorrow so what's the point in worrying?  I know there's a verse in the Bible in Matthew about that, just can't remember the numbers off the top of my head!  My dad would tell me how worry steals from what you have right now and that it's a complete waste of time.  I do understand that, so why is it so hard to grasp?  I've spent too much time worrying and I don't want to waste anymore time.

     What has transpired over the last few weeks has been hard and I know writing about this will help so here goes...After about 12 weeks of homeschooling for the first time, the boys went back to school.  Not just school (they've been at the small Christian School) but to public school (where Gary & I both graduated from).  I know this is the right decision for our family but I don't like it!  I love having my kids with me and doing fun things with them.  I'm the mom that dreads August and is overjoyed when May rolls around!  I love my kiddos and I only want what's best for them and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that happens!  I'm so thankful that Gary made this decision even though it hurts and I don't like it.  I'm sure he could see how frustrated I was at times and how much pressure I was putting on myself to make sure I was doing everything perfect, ha!  As if perfection is possible and perfection is what expectations we place on ourselves.  With all the changes that have happened over the last 6 months I think Gary was thinking I was putting too much pressure on myself.  Which I admit I was!  Once again I'm so thankful that Gary was willing to step in and make the hard decisions.  The most important thing is that the boys love school and seem to be adjusting well.  So when people ask me how's school going I have to remember that it's about the boys and how they feel and not about me!  Sometimes that's a hard concept for this momma.

     My dad strongly encouraged me to homeschool from the very beginning and if I couldn't homeschool then I should send the boys to the Christian School.  He absolutely didn't want me to send them to public school.  Now let me just say that he went to public school and so did I.  He did everything he could to encourage us to send them to the Christian School, even offering to pay for it.  Gary and I would never take his money or allow him to pay for it.  My dad always taught me this saying,"If you take the man's money, then you play the man's game!"  This is a whole post in itself!  Gary and I are very proud of the fact that we do things on our own and work together!  I believe that's something our parents taught us and I hope to teach our boys the same!  This is when I really wish I could talk to my dad and get his input on what to do...even though I can figure it out, I still miss him!!!  I know he's proud of what Gary and I are doing but I just miss him and his reassurance!

     Now Gary has been fairly supportive of how I wanted to do with the boys education, even though he didn't like paying for private school.  He's been more than understanding about my feelings and most wouldn't think that about him (he can seem a little rough around the edges but he's really just a big teddy bear).  He's a planner and now that we have 4 boys to think about he's very financially focused.  I, on the other hand, am not financially focused and I tend to live in the now.  So I think we balance each other well.  So here's my take...I love the small Christian school.  I love that they learn the Bible and it's history, the small class sizes, the fact that they encourage family time and to stay home if you've been sick within the last 24 hours, the open door policy for parents just to name a few.  In my opinion the drawbacks are the distance (about 30 minutes away), the cost, and that it's small.  As for public school, we have one of the best around.  There's many opportunities with a larger school, honors, FFA, athletics, etc.  But I don't like the government regulation that public school has to follow!  I don't like any part of that (this is another post as well!)  But the boys are thriving and enjoying and what more could a momma ask for?

     So we've tried all possibilities on educating our boys and I can honestly say that there are pro's and con's to every one!  I'm thankful that we still live in a country that allows us this freedom and I hope we will always have that freedom.  I'm thankful our boys are happy and will continue to teach them the things we feel are important at home.  This momma bear will do whatever it takes for her boys...WHATEVER IT TAKES!  I'm thankful that Gary is supportive of me and all my crazy ideas and I hope the boys know that all that we've done and will do is what we thought was best for them.  Once again I will not give up and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity