WOW...there really are no words!

I confess, I'm guilty!!!  I've said the same things that people have been saying to me over these last few weeks and days.  So yes I'm GUILTY!  I'm sorry to all of those that I've said such things to...because now I realize...THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!

I've been told that I lack compassion over the years and that I'm hardcore.  In some ways I took that as a compliment, probably because my dad was molding me to think that way.  Whether or not he knew how his life would go, he worked very hard to teach me many things.  One of the most repeated throughout my years is that we are all born, live, and die.  He taught me that death was inevitable and that no one gets out of this alive.  So I guess I've always been a little cold to death and have had very little compassion.  He always said,"There are worse things than dying.".  I knew what he meant but until this last month I didn't really understand what he meant.  I've never lost anyone really close to me, so this has really knocked the breath out of me.  I can hear my dad when I start to loose it and that gives me great comfort and strength.  But I just hear the hard ass side of him telling me to "Suck it up buttercup" and "Life's not fair" and "Deservings ain't got one damn thing to do with it" and many others.  So I guess I'm suppose to be strong, after all I have 4 boys that need me and for some strange reason the older 2 still want me around.  So I will hold on to that and listen to my dad...I think that would make him proud!

Now back to THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!  I have been told many things which I do not care to repeat over these last few weeks and I have learned a very valuable lesson...compassion to a degree.  I'm still not a sappy cry baby when an old person dies, esp. if they've been ill or in the nursing home.  I'm terrible sappy if it's a young person or child but usually try to stay strong because the person mourning their loss does not need to comfort me.  I'm not walking their journey and I can't say it'll be alright.  I will forever say, THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!  I've never understood why people come to show their sympathy to the family and they cry to the family.  Really....I mean REALLY!  The family is not there to give others strength or to comfort them.  I'm glad not everyone feels the way I do, because I think I do lack lots of compassion.  I realize I totally sound like Clovis but hey I'm his daughter, I'm bound to think, act, and probably sound like him to some degree.  And for that I am proud...I'm proud that he's taught me about living and about dying!  So my lesson I've learned is not what to say and from now on my words will be as follows....THERE ARE NO WORDS!

I am learning we all handle life differently and there's no right or wrong way.  So no matter what the situation,  I hope I handle whatever life comes my way with grace, strength, love, and a little bit hard ass with a little bit compassion.  Papa Clovis has always taught me and my boys that you can leak (during the crisis or situation) but you can't cry (what I like to refer to as loose it) until it's all over with.  Then you can scream, shout, cry, break stuff, throw stuff, even blow stuff up.  That's what dad would always tell me.  After living through his last days I now realize the importance of being able to do that.  If you are loosing it during the situation or crisis then you are of no help or good to the whole or the situation and then you become a burden.  Someone will have to take care of you instead of you taking care of what needs to be taken care of...that has weak written all over it.  And if there's one thing Clovis didn't like, it was weakness in a time that needed strength.  I don't know when I'll loose it but I'm sure when I do it'll be over the top.  That reminds me of another saying that dad had... "double it and add 40%"!  Another words if a little is good then a lot is better.  So if a little crying or loosing it is good then a lot is better...WOW, THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS!!!

Trinity