The Hardest Day Ever

Gentry & Papa

This picture is the last picture I took before he went down for the count ( as Papa Clovis would say).

This is just 5 weeks ago...little did I know that I'd face the hardest journey in the weeks ahead.  I've known, deep down, for a long time that his heart was failing.  But you know how you just don't want to believe it.  It was harder to believe than ever because dad had an unbelievable positive attitude no matter what the situation.  As I've walked this journey with my amazing mom, I've learned many things.  Probably the most important is that he's been in pain since he came home from the hospital and hasn't slept a full night in almost 3 years.  Mom has stayed by his side and done however he needed her to do, most times without even asking.  Her strength is unmeasurable and I'm in awe of her for many reasons.  At times I think I don't know how or what she'll do without dad and then other times I see her strength and know she'll do just fine.  I know she will be just fine but for some odd reason I worry about her.  I know I shouldn't especially after the strength she's shown me this last month and really looking back over all of my life.  She's a strong one!

As I type this entry, my mind is racing a million different directions and I have so many other things I need to do but I just have to get this down and off my mind while it's fresh.  So here goes....

Today I said good bye to the ghost of a body that was, is, and will always be my hero.  He'd been gone for a few days and I've just watched his body struggle to shut down.  Like I've said, I've never lost anyone close to me and I've certainly never watched anyone die.  It's gut wrenching and I will never be the same.  Even though I've had so much time to prepare for this day, it's bitter sweet.  I'm so very thankful he has no more pain but oh my gosh my body hurts.  It's the kind of hurt that is so deep, I didn't even know could hurt.  Ache like the flu times 110%.  I know "everyday is a training day" but nothing could train or prepare me for this day.  I'm in a daze and when I close my eyes all I see is him in his last moments. Maybe someday I will write how it really was for his last moments but for now I will keep my filter on and sugar coat it!  Dad and I always joked about how we sugar coated what we said to others and others thought that we were brutally honest and said way too much.  We always said, if they only knew what we were really thinking!  Oh how I love to think about all our great stories!

 Well today was a training day for what's left to come in my life but I know I will be prepared to  the best of my ability only because I've had the best teacher ever.  He's a warrior through and through and has taught me to be strong and stay the course.  I know I'll have days in front of me that hurt and I won't be able to get out of bed...but I'll always have Clovis on my shoulder saying, "suck it up buttercup...get your crying out and move on"!  He's always said life's too short....that brings new meaning to me now.  I know it's not good bye for long because he's said to my mom, "I'll see you in the twinkle of an eye".  Meaning she and the rest of us will go on living and creating memories to pass on to the next generation but it'll all go by so fast and we will see him soon.

So this "training day" comes to an end, I'm left to think about another of his favorite sayings....."THE ONLY EASY DAY WAS YESTERDAY!".

Trinity