A Few Good Men

Clovis...such a handsome navy sailor!

A FEW GOOD MEN... that movie was a good one.  Dad and I would refer back to the scene where Jack Nicholson was in court testifying and Tom Cruise was questioning him about his orders.  I still get chills when Jack says, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!".  We always joked about how people can't really handle the truth.  My dad never really sugar coated things, he told it just like he saw it.  Sometimes even when it hurt my feelings.  I'm so thankful he didn't sugar coat life lessons he taught me and I hope I don't sugar coat the life lessons I intend to teach my boys!  
Memorial Day always makes me think about my dad, even when he was physically here.  He was in the Navy during the Vietnam War.  He never talked to me much about what it was like.  However I learned just from watching him and being with him how to respect and honor those in the military.  I think there is something about going to war at such a young age that changes a person.  I'm totally speaking out of observation here, I've never been in the military.  In the time I've spent with my dad through the years I knew that his experience in Vietnam followed him.  I really believe it made him a strong believer in living each day as if it were your last.  How could it (going to war) not make you look at life differently than those of us who have never been there?

I look at this picture and many many things come to mind...
-how so very young he was going off to war from small town in the panhandle of Oklahoma
-how handsome he was, but I must say he just got better looking with age!
-I often wondered if he had just a little fear of the unknown
-I think about my Granny having to let him go, not just go off to college but to go overseas to fight in war
-I think about how innocent he was when he left home & how much he'd change and know when he came back home
-I think of the time when we were talking, shortly after the Gulf War was ending & he talked about how great it was that the people of this country were honoring the troops & soldiers because when he came home from Vietnam people were very rude & threw food at them
-I think his time in the military made him very political...he talked about how the government could send young men & women to war without much of a care
-But most of all I'm thankful that he came home...married my mom...had me...so that I could have my house full of boys!

My dad was very artist and would draw or doodle a lot and something he'd always write on paper was this saying.....NOW IS THE TIME FOR ALL GOOD MEN TO COME TO THE AID OF HIS COUNTRY!  I'm not sure where this came from but it always made me stop and think.  So with this Memorial Day I will thank soldiers, past, present, and future.  I will pray for them and their families as they make many sacrifices and I will think about my dad.  Not as if I don't think about him everyday but I will think about his time in the Navy and how that shaped him.  Dad often said,"I've made my peace with God a long time ago".  When I asked him what exactly that meant he just said,"kid you don't go to war and see and do the things you have to do without making it right with God!".  That always made me really think about him at 17 going to Vietnam and me at 17 living a very spoiled life.  So thanks to all who have served this great country past, present, and future!

Trinity

HARVEST...

Trevin & Grandpa


I took this picture a couple of weeks ago before the wheat turned golden.  I think it speaks many things about life.  I've been married to my husband for 16 years and every year I learn something during harvest.  This time of year, harvest, brings many things to mind.  I didn't grow up on a farm and really until the last few years or so I didn't really care to know too much about the farm either.  But during a conversation I had with my dad,  I began to understand the importance of being involved with the farm.  I used to always complain to my dad about how my husband was always working and how the farm was way more important than me.  He usually laughed and told me not so.  But this particular conversation stands out during this harvest.  Dad had had enough of my complaining and whining about my boys being gone.  He explained to me that life's not all about me and what I want.  Yes that's something I still have a hard time understanding at times, Ha!  Dad made it very clear that if I want to be around and involved with my house full of boys, at the time of this conversation I only had 3 boys, I had better learn to love the farm!  It hit me like a ton of bricks and ticked me off all at the same time!  Like I've said my dad and I were very close but we didn't always agree, and this is one time I was not wanting to listen to him.  So my dad did as he usually did and talked me through and helped me understand.  To say that I'm high maintenance when it comes to talking things through is an understatement!  So after much cussing and discussing I began to understand!  He helped me understand that my boys, including my husband, loved the farm.  He went on to explain what a great life the farm is and how many people don't have the opportunity that we have.  He asked how I could take for granted this fabulous opportunity to raise my boys on the farm.  Let me just say that my dad had a way with words that would really make me think.  So as I began to do some soul searching and realized just what I had at the palm of my hands, I began to make changes.  I guess that's why I named this blog, CHANGE!

Well it's been almost a year since I quit my job.  Let me just say my paying job, because I work now, sometimes more than when I had that paying job.  Anyway, over this last year I've been more involved with the farm.  I haven't actually been driving tractor but taking meals to the field or driving the boys to help move tractors, to helping Gary with the books.  First of all, let me just say that the average population doesn't understand much of anything about farming.  I can say that because my preconceived ideas about farming before I married a farmer and how I think now are 2 very different things!  It takes so much to make a harvest that I still don't really understand all that goes in to it, but I'm learning.  I'm learning and so happy to have to opportunity to do so, thanks to my dad.  He really helped me understand all the awesomeness that I have in my life with the farm.

HARVEST...you know that saying you reap what you sow.  I'm beginning to understand.  It takes so much to make a harvest I don't even know where to begin.  You have to prepare the ground to take in moisture after you harvest the wheat so the new crop will grow.  There's fertilizer and other chemical to put down so the crop will make it (so it doesn't get eaten by bugs or develop rust, I don't really know what that is but I've heard Gary talk about it.).  Then there's the price of the crop and diesel and having the right equipment, which can be very expensive.  All the equipment it takes to put in a crop is amazing but can be costly, and if you can't buy new equipment then you'd better be good at fixing things and have lots and lots of patience.  These are just a few of the high points that I can think of off the top of my head.  I didn't even get into the cattle part of the farming operation.  That will have to be a whole other blog in itself.  With the harvest I'm reminded of the saying, you reap what you sow.  I realize it takes many things to happen to make a harvest but it also allows for an amazing life.  To watch my boys fill with anticipation, even Gary, when the combines roll in and prepare to cut the wheat is indescribable!  The tradition of family and working together to make a harvest just makes me full of joy and happiness that I never thought I would feel.  To see my boys want to follow in their daddy's footsteps is the most amazing gift I could ever get!  Once again my dad has taught me another valuable life lesson, one that I hope to pass on to my kiddos.  I hope I only sow great things with my family of boys and that I learn to appreciate all that I already have.  I'm so thankful to be apart of the farm life and Gary's parents have given him such a wonderful life and legacy!

Nothing Stays the Same Forever...

NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOREVER....


This is something my dad would tell me often.  NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOREVER!  And if you really stop and think about it, it's so true.  This picture was taken about a year ago and I never thought life would've taken the turns it's taken over this last year, well really this last two months.  But I'm often reminded of this saying and it gives me great comfort and strength at the same time.  A person really doesn't know how they'll handle a situation until they're faced with it head on.  I feel like I've handled these last two months just as my dad wished and I will continue to do so because I will honor him no matter how hard it may be.  So when I have hard days, which I think will come no matter how prepared you think you are, I will remind myself of things my dad would always tell me during difficult times.  NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOREVER, KID!

Now usually when dad would tell me this would be when I was freaking out over very little details of life.  Like when the boys are driving me crazy and I think I can't do it anymore, he'd say,"NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOREVER, KID!".  And we would both laugh.  I think he laughed just trying to get me to lighten up and I laughed because WOW, he's right.  Then he'd begin to tell me to enjoy the boys driving me crazy because 'in the blink of an eye' they'll be grown up and gone.  Then he would tell me a story about myself when I was little and he'd say he remembers it like yesterday.  I often thought really, like yesterday.  Yes like yesterday, time goes by so fast and things feel like they just happened yesterday.  We always joked about how he was right, like all the time.  Sometimes that was hard to admit but he usually was right.   He told me in his last weeks that life goes on no matter what.  He told me I have the hard job now and I didn't really understand exactly what he meant but I'm learning.  Some days it feels as though he's been gone for years and then the next minute it feels like it's all a bad dream and that I'll be waking up soon.  I feel kinda in a time warp, but just taking it day by day and making the most of it.  After all if I don't, he'll be mad at me.  And I can hear him telling me,"Suck it up buttercup, NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOREVER!".  So the journey continues.

I can't even describe the relationship I had with my dad besides that it was an awesome.  He also spent the time with me...ALWAYS!  I never felt like anything was more important than me or my feelings.  We disagreed some, not very often.  But we would respect each other's opinions and then tease about how each of us was right!  I've just always thought that most people had a similar relationship with their parents that I have, but I'm learning that's not the case after talking with many people.  All I can say is I'm so sorry for you if you don't have an AWESOME relationship with your parent or parents.  Life is too short not to be there for each other and love each other unconditionally!  So I gain strength in knowing that my dad made the most of everyday, loved me unconditionally, and most definitely gave me "the blessing".  I don't have him physically here but he's always with me.  And I refuse to be angry or bitter because he was only here for 58 years, instead I will focus on the positive and be thankful he's my dad!  Also, I know he'd be pissed if I didn't make the most of everyday and find the positive in all situations.  So being the daddy's girl that I am, I won't piss him off!  After all ...

NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOREVER!!!


Trinity

THIS ENSURES GOOD SERVICE...

THIS ENSURES GOOD SERVICE...

I've had many many random thoughts over the last few weeks but this story keeps coming to mind.  And when I stop to listen I can see the many reasons why.  I'm learning just how much my dad did to keep this family going in the right direction.  By the right direction, I mean keeping everyone and everything positive, motivating us all to be the best and do the best, teaching us that life is hard but you just have to keep on going, well you get the idea.  But nothing really compares to how much actual security he provided for me and my family.

I think all little girls think their dad is the best, strongest, and will protect them forever.  I know I thought that and realize I can still think that because he's given me all the tools, all I have to do is slow down and listen.  So when it comes to the protecting part...all I can say is my dad had my back.  He was very educated in firearms and taught many others the importance of firearms.  He taught me from a very young age to take care of myself.  I used to go to the gun range with him ever since I can remember along with about every gun shop around.  I've always been around guns and knives.  I've been to trainings and classes with my dad as well as just the everyday teaching opportunities he used to keep me on my toes.  He wanted me to be aware of my surroundings and learn how to fend for myself,  another words he taught me how not to be in CODE WHITE!  (I'll write about that later).  So you can imagine how comforting it was to be with him anywhere.  I just let him take care of me and my family and just tried to learn a few things along the way.  But knowing that I wasn't completely responsible made for an easy life.  Now I believe I began to gain some responsibility when my dad had his heart attack and by pass surgery, after all he couldn't pack his gun in the hospital.  However, I hadn't really grasped my new responsibility. So now that he's on his next journey, I'm here to carry on all that he's taught me and that includes but isn't limited to his firearm instruction.  It's a new journey for us all but one that I will take very seriously and do my very best.  Now on to the story...

THIS ENSURES GOOD SERVICE....I was pregnant with my first child, Garrin, at the age of 22 and my dad was just as much my rock as my hubby, Gary.  Now looking back I'm so very thankful that I married a man that was unbelievably understanding how strong our bond was.  Gary has been amazing through all this process and at times I've totally taken him for granted.  I now know how patient he is and continues to be...I am blessed!  Now back to being pregnant with my first child.  You know how first time moms are...crazy to say the least.  I feel as if I've earned the right to say that since I now have 4 children and would love to have another one or two.  There is something going on in a woman's body when she's pregnant the first time,  total freak out mode.  So needless to say my dad spent a LOT of time encouraging me and reassuring me that I'd be good at this mom gig.  He coached me and taught me the importance of natural childbirth and how your mind is a powerful tool.  He'd even take me to some of my dr appointments.  During my 8th month of pregnancy I went on bed rest because of blood pressure and swelling.  My dad came by my house every day and brought me whatever my latest craving was and rubbed my feet so they wouldn't swell any more.  My mom would come do laundry and clean.  I was a spoiled girl to say the least.  Actually I'm still a spoiled girl, but hey if I can admit it then it can't be too bad, right?  Anyway, you get the idea.  My dad was taking great care of me while I was pregnant but nothing tops how the rest of this story goes.

After being on bed rest for a couple of weeks, that seemed liked to last forever, dr. said blood pressure was way too high and that we would be inducing and having baby.  I was so excited and ready to see my new little bundle.  After Gary and I got settled into the hospital room, my parents showed up as well as my sister.  Things were moving kinda slow, so Gary and my dad went to get a bite to eat.  By the time they came back, things were rolling.  It was June 9th and hot.  Now here's where it gets interesting.  I had already decided that I wanted my parents and sister in the room when baby was born and dr. approved.  My sister was videoing and all in the moment, which was awesome.  My mom sat by the bathroom door crying and I remember asking her what was wrong, she just said,"my baby is having a baby!".  I didn't get it, I'm closer to getting it now.  Gary was on my right side and my dad on my left.  It's starting to get hot in the room.  Now remember how I said my dad was into firearms, he always carried a gun, ALWAYS!  The law allowed citizens to carry a weapon concealed, so my dad always had his gun on him but concealed.  So as the temp is rising and I'm getting ready to start a new and unbelievable journey, my dad takes off his vest and exposes his concealed weapon.  I'll never forget the nurse and doctor, ever!  The doc said, "What's that?" and my dad says, "THIS ENSURES GOOD SERVICE"!  I just laughed at the time but many times since I've thought, wow, he has my back.  There's great comfort in knowing that someone has your back at all cost.  I always felt that way with my dad...that's just one of many an awesome gift he gave me!  All I can say is that we laugh when we tell this story but I feel his love for me when I think of this story and then I think how truly blessed I am.

I hope my boys will always know that I'll do whatever it takes to "ENSURE GOOD SERVICE" for them and their families as they grow, no matter what.  This is just one of the many stories of my father's love, he was an awesome man in so may ways.

Trinity

WOW...there really are no words!

I confess, I'm guilty!!!  I've said the same things that people have been saying to me over these last few weeks and days.  So yes I'm GUILTY!  I'm sorry to all of those that I've said such things to...because now I realize...THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!

I've been told that I lack compassion over the years and that I'm hardcore.  In some ways I took that as a compliment, probably because my dad was molding me to think that way.  Whether or not he knew how his life would go, he worked very hard to teach me many things.  One of the most repeated throughout my years is that we are all born, live, and die.  He taught me that death was inevitable and that no one gets out of this alive.  So I guess I've always been a little cold to death and have had very little compassion.  He always said,"There are worse things than dying.".  I knew what he meant but until this last month I didn't really understand what he meant.  I've never lost anyone really close to me, so this has really knocked the breath out of me.  I can hear my dad when I start to loose it and that gives me great comfort and strength.  But I just hear the hard ass side of him telling me to "Suck it up buttercup" and "Life's not fair" and "Deservings ain't got one damn thing to do with it" and many others.  So I guess I'm suppose to be strong, after all I have 4 boys that need me and for some strange reason the older 2 still want me around.  So I will hold on to that and listen to my dad...I think that would make him proud!

Now back to THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!  I have been told many things which I do not care to repeat over these last few weeks and I have learned a very valuable lesson...compassion to a degree.  I'm still not a sappy cry baby when an old person dies, esp. if they've been ill or in the nursing home.  I'm terrible sappy if it's a young person or child but usually try to stay strong because the person mourning their loss does not need to comfort me.  I'm not walking their journey and I can't say it'll be alright.  I will forever say, THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!  I've never understood why people come to show their sympathy to the family and they cry to the family.  Really....I mean REALLY!  The family is not there to give others strength or to comfort them.  I'm glad not everyone feels the way I do, because I think I do lack lots of compassion.  I realize I totally sound like Clovis but hey I'm his daughter, I'm bound to think, act, and probably sound like him to some degree.  And for that I am proud...I'm proud that he's taught me about living and about dying!  So my lesson I've learned is not what to say and from now on my words will be as follows....THERE ARE NO WORDS!

I am learning we all handle life differently and there's no right or wrong way.  So no matter what the situation,  I hope I handle whatever life comes my way with grace, strength, love, and a little bit hard ass with a little bit compassion.  Papa Clovis has always taught me and my boys that you can leak (during the crisis or situation) but you can't cry (what I like to refer to as loose it) until it's all over with.  Then you can scream, shout, cry, break stuff, throw stuff, even blow stuff up.  That's what dad would always tell me.  After living through his last days I now realize the importance of being able to do that.  If you are loosing it during the situation or crisis then you are of no help or good to the whole or the situation and then you become a burden.  Someone will have to take care of you instead of you taking care of what needs to be taken care of...that has weak written all over it.  And if there's one thing Clovis didn't like, it was weakness in a time that needed strength.  I don't know when I'll loose it but I'm sure when I do it'll be over the top.  That reminds me of another saying that dad had... "double it and add 40%"!  Another words if a little is good then a lot is better.  So if a little crying or loosing it is good then a lot is better...WOW, THERE REALLY ARE NO WORDS!!!

Trinity

In the twinkle of an eye...

IN THE TWINKLE OF AN EYE....

My dad told my mom this several times over the past few weeks.  He knew he was dying but also realized just how fast time goes by.  So he'd say I'll see you IN THE TWINKLE OF AN EYE.  I'm still in awe of his courage and strength during his life, not just the last month I spent with him.  I don't know many people that would know what was happening to their body and still be positive, happy, and continuing to take care of the ones they love.  I loved to see dad tell mom that.  She was so strong and would wait to cry til she was in the back room.  Dad didn't want us crying around because he wanted us to live today.  We have today and he didn't want us to waste it, "crying around"!  So I'm telling all of this to lead to this...

Today I was crying in the car, Trevin and Gentry were with me, when Trevin asks me,"Why are you crying momma?".  All I could say was,"I miss Papa!".  And without any hesitation he says,"Momma don't worry, it won't be long til you see him again.".  I just had to smile.  I was speechless for a moment...if you know me that's unusual!  So then I just told him how much I love him and how much Papa loves him.  His response of, "I know momma" was just what I needed to hear.  I thought how does he know so much?  He's only 4 years old.  Then I began to think about a lot of my conversations with my dad over the last month.  I couldn't help but remember dad telling me not to stifle Trevin with dismissing his intuition!  Dad said Trevin could really see how things are and he reminded me to just listen to him.  He said don't try to change him, just embrace him.  He told me to embrace all my boys for who they are not what I want or think they should be.  Wow the lessons just keep on coming!

Now I should also add this little story.  The Monday I went to check on dad before I really realized what was happening, Trevin had some interesting things to say.  I usually call mom and dad in the morning after I drop off the big boys for school but for some reason I didn't call.  I just began driving.  I just felt like seeing my mom & dad, little did I know why at the time.  Well on the drive Trevin began asking me where we were going, because we usually go back home.  He was still in his pjs but I didn't care.  So I was explaining that we were going to see Papa & Oma and that I just wanted to check on Papa.  I was telling him that Papa hadn't been feeling great, as if he didn't know.  He made me stop and think with his response.  I'm still in awe of my sweet red headed Trevin!  He said,"Momma the devil has been kicking Papa all night and he's ready to go see Jesus!".  Now if that doesn't stop you in your tracks I don't know what will.  I asked him what he meant and he just kept saying the devil was kicking Papa all night long.  I told Gary later that night and we both were just thinking wow!  After I'd been at mom & dad's for a week or so, I told my dad what Trevin had said.  That's when dad began telling me other things he'd told him about little things like that and to never stifle him.

So not only did my dad realize how short and sweet life is and how fast it goes by here on earth but he has passed that on to Trevin.  What an awesome legacy to leave....IN THE TWINKLE OF AN EYE!  So make today count and enjoy.

Trinity

Training Day...

Garrin, Ryler, Gary, Trevin, & Alan


TRAINING DAY...


EVERYDAY IS A TRAINING DAY...according to Clovis.  Even if you look at everyday as a "training day" some days come at you like a speeding bullet that you can't seem to dodge.  I usually look at my days as training days and try to learn something from them.  Usually it's just a little something that I learn and sometimes it's a big something, but never has it been a truly HARD training day until I took the boys shooting Sunday night.  As I'm typing this I'm getting that knot in my gut all over again.

Papa Clovis spent many hours shooting and training with the boys.  He was full of knowledge about guns and spent many hours training and training others.  Garrin and Ryler have taken to his love of the firearm.  They enjoyed Papa teaching them all about them...even though they didn't know they were being taught at the time.  Well my sweet Ryler is having a time with this journey.  To say he's upset is an understatement.  Garrin is the first born and just taking care of everything and everyone.  Although I have seem him really break down a time or two, only when everyone else seems to be holding it together well.  So I asked the boys if they'd like to go shoot and if they'd like for Papa's friend Alan to come with us.  That was the first time I saw a twinkle of happiness in Ryler's eyes in over a month.  So I knew what had to be done and it didn't seem like something that hard at all.  Now looking back, I think what was I thinking!  It reminds me of a saying that my dad would say when you'd do or say something that you should know better but you say or do it anyway.  It goes a little something like this..."What are you smoking'?  cause I'd like some! how come you aren't sharing?"  I never really understood this saying until I got older and realized he meant smoking dope.  NOTE...I didn't learn this from personal experience!  I had to ask my dad and he so kindly explained it to me (sarcasm font needed here).  As much as my dad taught me, he sheltered me in many ways as well.  I NEVER tried any type of drugs and rarely even take prescription drugs from the doctor because my dad put the fear of God in me.  I could never go against his wishes and he never wanted me to try any type of drugs.  I had my four boys all natural because of his encouragement and it was the most amazing and beautiful experience of my life.  He'd always tell me, you've got to take the good with the bad and you've got to have both so you know how to enjoy all of life.  Well I've gotten a little off track with a few more sayings so now I'll get back to my story.
Taking the boys to shoot didn't seem like any big deal until we start gathering the gear to go and I just lost it.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  I went in the bathroom and just sat on the floor hugging the toilet.  I felt as if my insides were going to come out and if they weren't I was going to wish they would.  I made it though a month of being with my dad almost 24 hours a day, through his very last hours (I will write about this later....it'll be brutal), through his celebration of life and memorial service with feeling as if I was too weak to stand and like I was going to loose all control.  So I really thought I was prepared!  I really thought my training days had paid off because I was able to keep it together for the most part.  So to say this emotion caught me off guard is an understatement!
So as I sat on the floor crying and slobbering all over the place, I soon began to feel my dad.  "Come on Kid, I know it's tough but nobody said this was going to be easy".  He's told me that many a time.  So I gained my composure and got (this is a Clovis-ism) my shit straight.  I gathered my gear, pulled back my shoulders, and headed out to show my boys just what my dad has taught me.  Funny thing is I don't think I was suppose to show them anything about how to shoot but how to push on through the hard things and preserver.
My dad's buddy, Alan, was there to teach them all that I couldn't get out.  Alan was my dad's buddy and through this last month has become my buddy as well.  I've called and text him with the hard things and he always had encouraging words and reassured me I was doing just as dad would like.  I will forever be grateful for him and his strength.  So Alan helped teach the boys what my dad had taught him.  They had the best time and I must say it felt good.
It was the craziest thing ever...the hardest thing thus far made me feel the closest to my dad.  I could totally feel him when I was shooting with the boys and began to realize many things.  That I can get through tough times with grace, just as my dad would want me to and that I do have the toughest job.  He told me in his last weeks during our talks that he had it easy and that I was the one that had it hard.  I didn't understand exactly what he was saying until our shooting adventure.  He meant I have to be strong and go on with life.  Go on teaching my boys, training them that everyday is a training day, keeping them in line, making them think OUTSIDE the box, and of course cooking for them and teaching them how to cook.  Wow dad, you are really amazing and you're not even here but I feel him.  There was so much comfort in going shooting with my boys, even though it was the hardest thing to do so far.  My boys are amazing and give awesome strength!
So here's the jest...treat everyday as a training day...be prepared...have an open mind and embrace today.  Thanks dad for pushing me to do things that hurt but that bring so much joy!

Trinity

Think I Give A Dam!!!

Drawing by Clovis...

This is a drawing my dad did, I'm not sure when he drew it but I know it's at least 20 years old.  It's hanging on the back of a door at his house.  I thought when I was a teenager that it was a cool drawing but didn't get the meaning of it.  You know how you think when you're a teenager, know it all attitude.  I know I thought I knew it all and no one could tell me any different.  I like to think I was like that because my parents gave me my strong willed attitude!  Well, it's been a few years and I totally realize that I don't know it all or even close to knowing it all.  All I know is what I've learned from my past and I hope to utilize all that's been given to me to make my future great.

Back to this picture and what it says...THINK I GIVE A DAM!!!  This pretty much summed up how my dad thought about the little crazy things in life that we let get the best of us.  Now I'm not talking about the important things, I'm talking about the crazy, stupid stuff that we let get to us.  You know like how we think we're mistreated, or how jealous we can be, or how we think we can't have people over to our house because it's not clean enough or not decorated to a T, or how some things seem to come easy to others and not to us, or how others treat us (when we think they were talking behind you back or even to your face, ha!).  These are all so little in the big picture of life.  So what if people were talking about you behind your back and who really cares if your house isn't decorated the best.  My dad never let any of the little stuff get to him, ever.  I love that about him and now I must take that quality on to pass along to my kiddos.

I can't tell you how many times I called my dad, griping about the little things and his response was always the same...he'd say do you have a great husband and kiddos? do you have plenty to eat? (If times were tight with money and I'd say barely, he'd laugh and say you have plenty kid, at least for today!) do you have a comfortable home?  You get the idea, he'd always turn it around in a heartbeat.  He'd also laugh and say can you remember what was bothering you last week at this time?  And of course most of the time I could not recall.  Or he might say yesterday is gone and we don't know if we have tomorrow but right now we have to today...so make the best of it kid!  I always knew he'd talk me through the situation and help me see the light!  Dad never cared about material things, only his family.

This story comes to mind...Gary and I were expecting our first child and we lived in a little 2 bedroom house (that we eventually turned into The Cottage) that had a floor furnace and window units, no fence in the back yard and not really the best neighborhood.  I just thought no way can I bring a baby to this home.  Now mind you, my dad had a way of pointing out the brutal truth, I bet people actually grew up in that house and probably more that just a few.  He'd say I wonder how they did it, living like this!  You get his point.  But this is where it gets even better....after I pushed and pushed to get a bigger and better house in a better neighborhood, another lesson was taking place.  So Gary, my most amazing husband ever, worked harder and made sure I got my bigger house.  The one I just had to have or my life was over and ruined forever. (Insert sarcasm here)  So we are getting ready to move and I just can't bear the thought of moving in, to a house that people were just moving out of, without putting in new carpet and repainting.  Now I have to be honest here, they had just repainted everything and the carpet was in mint condition.  They were just the wrong colors for me, ha ha!  So I began to throw a little bit of a fit, ok maybe more than a little.  Well Gary has always said he's got the best in-laws.  My dad got wind of what I was pushing for and oh my did he ever lay into me.  By the time he got done telling me how piss ignorant I was being, we moved in just the way it was.  I was frustrated but oh so quickly did I see my dad's point.  Our first baby boy, Garrin, arrived after we moved in and my life lessons were just the beginning on what really matters.  So after Garrin was about 1, you know how messy babies/toddlers can be, dad would ask me at the most inopportune time, how'd you like to have that fancy carpet or new paint job now Trin?  He didn't just ask me this once, he asked me over and over and over.  Then he'd remind me later when we moved to our next house.  He never let me forget.  And oh I'm so very thankful...I can hear him loud and clear.

So basically he lived....THINK I GIVE A DAM!!!  Well, I'm here to tell you after watching him die over this last month I have a new perspective.  If you think I didn't give a dam before, I certainly don't give a dam now!!!  Life is too short to sweat the small stuff and I will make all my dashes count.  Once again dad, you're right and I'm so glad you spent the time and energy to make me see the light!  Now it's time for me to pass this along....

I hope others will understand where I'm coming from when I say or do something that makes you stop and think because you can be assured after this journey...I don't give a dam!  And I mean this in a positive way, just as my dad did.  The small stuff is just that small!

Trinity

Day 2....

Day 2...
Yesterday was busy getting ready for my dad's celebration of life and let me just say it was awesome and beautiful.  I'm so touched by the many people that came to honor my dad.  I've always said having a memorial or funeral is like planning a wedding in 3 days and our friends did it in 24 hours!  Thanks so much to them for making it just how Clovis would like.  I know he's not in pain anymore and loving watching us celebrating him and his life and his beliefs!  Once again I can't thank him enough for all he's taught me and continuing to teach me... he's on my shoulder still guiding me!

Today is Day 2 and it's been weird and restless feeling.  Last night my mom stayed with me and I thought it was to "take care of her"...ha!  She's taking care of me!  Her strength is amazing and I hope I can be like her for many reasons.  We stayed up til 2:30 in the morning talking and laughing and crying and Gary was right there with us.  Let me say at this point,  Gary is my rock!  He's been amazing throughout this entire journey, beginning back at the hospital in 2009.  At that time in our lives, we were both very focused on our careers and our kids but not building a life together.  It was kinda like we coexisted together, but when he drove me to the hospital in OKC that night his true colors showed.  He never left my side and did anything and everything I could have possibly asked for, most of the time before I even asked.  Fast forward to a month ago and he's my rock more than ever and been completely amazing for me and my mom.  We've grown in these last 2 and half years and have a love that is unbreakable.  I love him with all of my might and love that's he's my rock now...I will never be able to make him understand how thankful I am for him and his family.

Tomorrow is dad's memorial in Forgan, OK, his hometown.  It'll be a great time just as last night was only in a different way.  I have a flood of emotions and can't even begin to describe them.  So for now I had to write about what was going on day to day...I'm working on my next one which will be the hard one.  I want to write about his last 2 days, but it won't be for the weak!  I feel the need to really take my time writing that one so just bear with me.  But that's not the end of my blogging about the journey, I have many stories and life lessons I want to write about.  I really feel like when I started this blog it was going to be about my new adventure as a farm wife...little did I know becoming a farm wife has allowed me the opportunity to really listen to God and my family so that I can really focus and enjoy what's really important!  I'm so thankful my mom and dad encouraged me to make the jump & quit my job!  I will forever think my dad was thinking and teaching me to take care of my own first and foremost!  Because he always said you have to take care of your own teepee first before you can be of any help to others...I truly believe this.

For now this is all I can do...I'll keep writing and get the next one out soon.  Trinity

The Hardest Day Ever

Gentry & Papa

This picture is the last picture I took before he went down for the count ( as Papa Clovis would say).

This is just 5 weeks ago...little did I know that I'd face the hardest journey in the weeks ahead.  I've known, deep down, for a long time that his heart was failing.  But you know how you just don't want to believe it.  It was harder to believe than ever because dad had an unbelievable positive attitude no matter what the situation.  As I've walked this journey with my amazing mom, I've learned many things.  Probably the most important is that he's been in pain since he came home from the hospital and hasn't slept a full night in almost 3 years.  Mom has stayed by his side and done however he needed her to do, most times without even asking.  Her strength is unmeasurable and I'm in awe of her for many reasons.  At times I think I don't know how or what she'll do without dad and then other times I see her strength and know she'll do just fine.  I know she will be just fine but for some odd reason I worry about her.  I know I shouldn't especially after the strength she's shown me this last month and really looking back over all of my life.  She's a strong one!

As I type this entry, my mind is racing a million different directions and I have so many other things I need to do but I just have to get this down and off my mind while it's fresh.  So here goes....

Today I said good bye to the ghost of a body that was, is, and will always be my hero.  He'd been gone for a few days and I've just watched his body struggle to shut down.  Like I've said, I've never lost anyone close to me and I've certainly never watched anyone die.  It's gut wrenching and I will never be the same.  Even though I've had so much time to prepare for this day, it's bitter sweet.  I'm so very thankful he has no more pain but oh my gosh my body hurts.  It's the kind of hurt that is so deep, I didn't even know could hurt.  Ache like the flu times 110%.  I know "everyday is a training day" but nothing could train or prepare me for this day.  I'm in a daze and when I close my eyes all I see is him in his last moments. Maybe someday I will write how it really was for his last moments but for now I will keep my filter on and sugar coat it!  Dad and I always joked about how we sugar coated what we said to others and others thought that we were brutally honest and said way too much.  We always said, if they only knew what we were really thinking!  Oh how I love to think about all our great stories!

 Well today was a training day for what's left to come in my life but I know I will be prepared to  the best of my ability only because I've had the best teacher ever.  He's a warrior through and through and has taught me to be strong and stay the course.  I know I'll have days in front of me that hurt and I won't be able to get out of bed...but I'll always have Clovis on my shoulder saying, "suck it up buttercup...get your crying out and move on"!  He's always said life's too short....that brings new meaning to me now.  I know it's not good bye for long because he's said to my mom, "I'll see you in the twinkle of an eye".  Meaning she and the rest of us will go on living and creating memories to pass on to the next generation but it'll all go by so fast and we will see him soon.

So this "training day" comes to an end, I'm left to think about another of his favorite sayings....."THE ONLY EASY DAY WAS YESTERDAY!".

Trinity

What Unfinished Business?

Trevin, Papa, Gentry

WHAT UNFINISHED BUSINESS?

This picture makes me think of how dad lived his life...he lived his life with no regrets and had no unfinished business.  I'm just in awe of his strength and positive attitude through out his life and how it will continue on.  He's always found the positive in every situation no matter how difficult the situation was.  I've always known where I stand with my dad, and he's never left anything unsaid.  I so thankful for that...now let me just say that it wasn't always easy & we didn't always see eye to eye but we always talked through our differences and respected each other, even when we didn't agree.

He's always said he's done things his way....let me just say how awesome that is and what an example he is.  He never worked a Christmas, EVER!  He walked off the job and walked away from the dollar over and over, just to make a stand for his beliefs.  That in itself is unbelievable.  So I feel like I've done the same and you can guarantee I'll teach my boys the same.  I love this about my dad.

He's always stood for what he believed in even when it wasn't popular or controversial.  He always gave lots of thought and research into what his beliefs were...if you ever met him, you knew he had an opinion about politics.  Well let me just say I definitely got that from him because I have strong political beliefs as well.  We usually agreed but occasionally we wouldn't and that's when it would get interesting.  I loved talking politics with dad, and he'd always push me to think outside the box.

On the unfinished business...I've been with my mom and dad for the last month.  I've been home a few times to see my boys and hubby...they've been awesome at taking care of things.  I just couldn't imagine not being here for him and my mom after all he's ever done for me and taught me.  No way would I leave him now.  So about two weeks ago when dad really began having a hard time getting around, he talked to me for hours about things I'm not to forget.  One of his biggest rules is that you can leak (tears can fall but no full blown crying) all you want but you wait til it's (whatever the situation is) all over before you start crying.  So I sat and listened without even leaking...I thought to myself, my dad absolutely has NO UNFINISHED BUSINESS.  What an awesome life!  I will do my best to live my life with no unfinished business as well.  Thank you God for blessing me with the most amazing man ever to be my father!

Trinity

Keep It Between the Lines

Papa showing Trevin how to "Keep It Between the Lines"

Papa showing Ryler how to "Keep It Between the Lines"

Keep It Between the Lines....   

This is something dad has always taught me.  He'd use this saying for many lessons.  I only hope to be able to pass these lessons along to my boys.

Let me tell you the time I vividly remember this lesson of "Keep It Between the Lines" kid.  He always called me kid.  So I was 14 and he had been teaching me how to drive.  I loved driving and still do to this day.  There's just something about being behind the wheel and free!  So back to my lesson.  We were on a trip to the panhandle to see my grandfather, his dad.  He was ill and his health failing. (How ironic that I think of this story with my own dad's health failing!)  So it was just me and dad on a road trip.  I had been begging to drive before we even left the house.  I had, ok have, a tendency to be rather pushy.  Ha, ha!  So after much persuasion I got my way!  I was so excited, the kind of excited you get when your insides are just fluttering.  So a little ways out of town on a country road, dad pulled over and got out of the car.  It seemed like he was moving in slow motion because my excitement was getting the better of me.  I jumped in the driver's seat and made all the adjustments to fit me perfectly.  He got in the passenger's seat and we were ready to go.  Now here's where it gets good....

I start to drive and I ask dad, "Which way?".  I'll never forget the look on his face.  He got the map out of the glove compartment and handed to me with the most ornery smile and a twinkle in his eye.  He said,"Here's the map, you figure it out!".  That excitement deflated faster than ever.  I said,"I don't know which way.".  He said,"Well you better start looking at the map and figure it out kid.".  So as I was trying to find a place to pull over, he leaned his seat back and turned on the radio to his choice (oldies) and I thought to myself, what now!  He didn't say much besides things like, isn't this fun!  So I gathered myself and studied the map and got a plan.  So I began to drive toward my grandparents, a place I'd been many many times but never really payed much attention on how to get there.  

During this drive is where the lesson "Keep It Between the Lines" kid really played out.  As I'm driving in the wrong direction, I'm almost sure.  He wouldn't tell me if I was going the right way or not.  Talk about patience, my dad has patience like I've never known!  So he began to talk, not about my driving skills or the direction I was going, rather about how life is a lot like driving.  Life is like driving, sometimes you go a little to the left and sometimes you go a little to the right, but if you can keep your life in the middle of the road you will get to where you need to go.  He said sometimes life takes you way far in the ditch and these times are hard but how you get out of the ditch and handle things while driving in the ditch makes you who you are.   He said sometimes life takes you to places you never thought you'd have to go and sometimes you don't realize you're in the ditch.  He said pay attention to everything around you and never just follow.  You may think the path you're on is the ditch but if you believe with all your heart and gut that you're doing the right thing, then stay the course...you will see you were going in the right direction all along.  He said, kid I won't always be here to guide you and nor should I be...you have to grow and make your own mistakes and take responsibilities for them and learn from them and then teach your own children what I've taught you.  Make no mistake by him saying keep it in the middle of the road, did he mean to ride the fence or not take a stand.  He simply meant that the middle of the road was the best place to see where you were going.  Now at this time I'm driving and just really trying to figure out if I'm going in the right direction, he was teaching me an invaluable life lesson.  We talked the whole 6 hours it took to get there....it should've taken about 3 and a half...talk about patience.  My dad has patience for the most important things and none for the insignificant.  Looking back I realize how important it is to teach my own children to think for themselves and "Keep It Between the Lines" because I can't and won't always be there to guide them or protect them.  In that drive I learned many things that day, but I continue to learn many things today from that drive.

Today I am Keeping It Between the Lines...it is taking everything I have in me to do so.  But my heart and gut tell me I'm doing the right thing, so I will keep going and soon realize that I was in the middle of the road all along.  Then I'll smile and know...even when dad is not here, he's still guiding me, teaching me, protecting me, and making me stronger.

These 2 pictures remind of the lessons I learned that day...Papa letting Trevin drive and Papa teaching Ryler to shoot and both lessons say, "Keep It Between the Lines".

I'm in awe of all the life lessons and wonderful memories he's given me and I will do everything I can to teach my boys and pass on all he's given me.  

Trinity