Milestones...

Gentry with Papa Clovis...2011

Milestones...

Today was like any other day since you've been gone...and just like you said...EVERY DAY IS A TRAINING DAY!  Some days are bright sunshine days and some days are dark and gloomy, and everyday I learn something new!

So many milestones have come and gone...we've celebrated and cried and enjoyed, yet there's always something missing...Papa Clovis!  His lack of presence these last few weeks have been tough, to say the least.

Today was Grandparent's Day at Gentry's school and he had a huge cheering section and I couldn't help but smile even though my eyes wanted to water up and let the tears fall.  I just started thinking about all the things that Gentry will miss knowing about my dad, his Papa.  Then I looked at Trevin and he remembers some but not a lot of him...they ask questions about him all the time, which I love!  However, some days it's all I can do to tell them all about their Papa without just having a complete melt down but most days it makes my heart happy to tell them all about him.  It hurts knowing they won't get to do all the things my dad loved to do with the older boys...I mean it hurts like a stabbing pain that just never goes away.  It's been 4 years and it never gets easier...

The pain that comes with grieving is like a fluid substance that is ever moving.  Some days are more intense than others, some days it is pain like after he first died when it is all you can do to breathe, some days it is just a dull lingering pain.  So that saying that my dad had about how "Nothing stays the same forever" is right on!  So I will take each day as my training day and be thankful for it!  And of course KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Tough Days

When your 8 year old asks you tough questions, you take a deep breath, hold back the tears, and tell him the truth!  Some days life throws you big curve balls and they just keep coming.  I refuse to let it bring me down.  This boy of mine asks questions about my dad, his Papa, all the time.  If he doesn't ask questions then he's trying to piece together memories he has with him.  Most days I can answer and talk about my dad just fine.  But some days...it is hard.  I mean the kind of hard that makes your whole body ache and feel sick to your stomach and it seems there is no end in sight!

This made me think about how much my dad was in tune to those he loved.  If I needed extra attention then he gave it...looking back I'm sure he had lots of other things to do but I never knew it...because he put his loved ones first!  This is what being a parent is all about.  I had 2 amazing parents that did this exact thing for me...I thought most people grew up like this but I'm learning that's not the case.  And it's way easier to be consumed with my own list and agenda but I can't help but think about how my dad did with me and my older two boys...so I do what is harder.  I do it, sometimes with tears in my eyes but none the less I do it.

So when Trevin tells me about all the things he used to do with his Papa, I smile and tell him things he doesn't remember.  He looks at me with the most precious eyes and says, "I sure do miss my Papa!  I wish he was still here!"  I smile at him and say, "me too kid, me too!"  as a tear falls from my eye.  I keep it together the best I can.  Then during the dark and still of the night I cry and cry.  My heart hurts, my body hurts, I miss my dad!  It hurts to know that my little boys won't know their Papa like the older boys did...it hurts to know he's not here watching them grow into the amazing young men they are...it hurts not being able to ask him for advice, talk to him, or tell him stories about the boys!  It just hurts...but then after I'm done crying around about it I can hear my dad say, "Enough kid, enough crying around!"  He had a way with words and knew how to encourage...So I sit back and think about all the awesome times we had and all he taught me.  The most important thing he left me with is when he told me to "Keep on living' kid, whatever you do just keep living'!"

The best gift ever...I don't feel guilty about living life and if I'm down I remember what he said and think to myself, "Wow, was he right!"  So I may let a tear fall here and there, I may cry in the night, but I will never feel guilty about living life without him here.  So I must teach that to my boys, because when it's my time to go, I want them to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  And just remember all the fun we had!

We Decide

   We Decide       

This says it all...we decide!  This makes me think of my dad...well a lot of things make me think of my dad but this really hit me.  I saw this the other day on Instagram and I almost burst into tears!  I managed to hold it together, after all I was in a large group of people.  I will never think some woman is completely crazy when she's crying in a crowd for no apparent reason!  Sooner or later it will happen to all of us.  I hope I can show grace at that point because Lord knows I haven't in the past.  But back to my story...we decide!

This has made me think and think hard...and as my dad would say, thinking things through is hard!  It is hard to make decisions about everything from little things to big things that will affect your family's future but you have to and it's important to do a good job.  I think that life changes can be hard and hard to work through, at least from my perspective!  But this post made me think about how the amount of work is the same...it does take just as much energy to be down as it does to be up...so why not choose up?  It's hard, really hard but as my dad used to say, "Life ain't easy kid!"

I have cried many a tear wishing my dad was here for my mom, me, my boys, his mom...missing him everyday.  Watching others take their families for granted and wanting to just scream and yell at them to cherish what you've got!  Then it hit me after reading this that I have a choice...and I'm not gonna live miserable. Period. Not going to do that!  I know life will knock you down but it takes just as much energy to lay there miserable as it does to get up and make the most of it!  So here's to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  

BE...DO...

BE...DO...

My mind is racing and full of many thoughts...I wish my dad was here to cuss and discuss!  We used to talk about everything and things going on in the world and he always made me see things in a different light.  And he usually added a calmness to whatever situation we were discussing.  We called him "the voice of reason" and man do I miss him!  Now thinking things through on my own and cussing and discussing with my hubby makes me a grown up now!  I can't explain why it feels like I'm a grown up now but it does...

So the events that happened yesterday...wow!  I don't even know where to start!  There are so many things that affect each other that it's hard to narrow it down.  But here goes...All lives matter.  Period. All.  I'm a live and let live kind of person, just don't shove your beliefs down my throat or make me pay for them and I won't mine to you!!!  It's that simple...live your life and let me live mine!  God created us all different!  We all have strengths and weaknesses and no matter what we can not all be the same!  No matter how much money we throw at it, no matter how much it's not fair...LIFE IS NOT FAIR!..we are all different!  How we handle our differences is what makes this country great, or at least what used to make this country great!  What happened to this great country???  What happened???  

We are on a road that I fear we can not turn back around.  And how we handle things from here will determine where we go in the future...and the only thing I have to say is that we must be "active participants in our own survival"!  That means we must learn to take care of ourselves and our own...spiritually, medically, financially, mentally, and physically!  Now with that I don't mean that we don't get help...I simply mean that no one is going to do it for us and that we must do it ourselves!  It is hard but we must learn to stand on our own feet and then come together to help others or we will fall as a great nation!  

There are others out there in the world that wish to destroy us and our very way of life at whatever the cost may be...we must learn to stand tall and united...we will have to be tough and do things we don't want to do but if we turn our heads the other way, this great nation will crumble around us.  The enemy, whether it be Satan or terrorists or ???, wants to destroy us and the best way to do that is from the inside out!  Just like a cancer destroys a person from the inside out.  So far they're doing a fair job and it's time we put a stop to it!  So no matter where you are in life you can do something...educate yourself and learn our history (we are bound to repeat it if we don't learn from it!)...stand on your own two feet, then help your family, then your church, then your community...take care of your body physically...think things through so that you're not constantly reacting to life,  "be proactive, not reactive"...train for the worst and then be happy when life is good...and pray, lots of prayer!  Do something, by not doing anything we turn the other way and the enemy gets in easy!  And no matter what KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Watermelons & Harvest

Watermelons & Harvest

It's summertime...with that brings many things and emotions.  According to my boys, life would be way easier if it weren't for emotions, especially the kind that women have!  I'm trying to teach them that women have all kinds of emotions and can have all of them in a matter of 5 minutes and that is ok!  I've got my work cut out for me in this department...let's just say that men aren't wired to understand the full range of emotions that women have!  With that being said, summertime brings a full range of emotions for me!  So here goes...

I think of my summers growing up and my dad would take me to the pool everyday at the Elk's Lodge...ok, it may not have been everyday but it sure did feel like it!  He thread water in the deep end waiting on me to jump off the diving board, always there to catch me if I couldn't make it.  I usually did though!  And eating candy bars, they don't taste the same as they did on those summer days.  I would get so worn out from swimming that I'd fall asleep on the way home in my swimsuit and sometimes not wake up till morning.  Those were the days!

Garrin & Papa eating the best part of the
watermelon & kicking back!

Then I think of watermelon...yes I know watermelon goes with summer but here's why...my dad would cut open the watermelon and only eat the center.  My mom would say don't waste it and my dad would say but this is the best part...they would laugh and tease each other as only they could.  The point he would always make, aren't you worth the best part?!  It has nothing to do with wasting it...it has to do with giving yourself the best!  My mom never wanted to waste anything and she would let everyone else eat then she would be happy with whatever was left...I think dad was trying to get her to take care of herself first!  I often wonder if he knew in the big scheme of things that he wouldn't be around to do this for us, so he tried to teach us from early on to take care of us!  I understand where my mom is coming from now that I'm a mom but I also see where my dad is coming from and how important it is to take care of yourself!  So to this day, when I cut open a watermelon I can't help but think of my dad and my mom...life lessons in the everyday!

Gary welding on the grain trailer getting it
ready for harvest!

Summertime on the farm...let's just say that it is BUSY!  Farm life is always busy but harvest brings a whole new level.  I have a love hate relationship with summer and farm life.  I love the hustle and bustle of harvest, taking meals to the field & seeing the guys full of excitement, joy, & a little anxiety, the late nights & sometimes all nights, everyone working together, and the overall excitement of grown men is like a kid in a candy store!  Then I don't like the never ending hours, wishing I was in a pool, breakdowns, cranky guys because things aren't going right, and the stress...the markets (the price of grain, cattle, etc.), the weather (not enough rain, rain at the wrong time, too windy, not enough wind), getting the right parts for the breakdowns...it can seem like it'll never end.  But guess what?  It always does and usually without too much craziness (at least that I can recall)!  It's a season and many life lessons are learned in this season!  Farming definitely takes all hands on deck, a good attitude and super thick skin...which brings me back to the emotions of summertime!

Ryler working in the garden...farm life!

Some days it's a smell and some days it's the actions that take you back to places in your past and when that happens, sometimes, just sometimes the emotions come rolling in and there's nothing to do but let them roll!  I've got pretty tough skin to live with 5 alpha males but some days my emotions need to be let out and when they do it gets kinda crazy!  Try teaching that to teenage boys!  So as harvest begins, I'll eat some watermelon, shed a few tears, and KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

Sugar Coated Thoughts

Sugar Coated Thoughts...

I'm pretty vocal about my views and with this election I've just not had the words.  I don't know if I'm just so frustrated with what's going on in our country and society or if I miss talking all this stuff over with my dad but I just don't have the words about this election.  However, what I do have words about are this....

Since when did it become acceptable to take handouts and expect something for nothing?  As my dad  used to say, "Ain't nothin free!"  If you really stop and think about it...nothing is free!  Nothing!  I think about the little things like ketchup packets at fast food places...if we don't use them, then we usually just throw them in the trash...well someone had to pay for those and we are wasting them.  When we waste unnecessarily then we cause expenses to rise unnecessarily as well.  We complain about how much things cost, yet do we take into account what we waste?  This is just one simple small thing that someone had to pay for, yet we think of it as free!  Until we, as a society, learn the value and cost of things we see as a luxury, we will keep going down a road that is hard to turn around.

That's how I feel about our whole political system...we've gone down a road that we can't get off of and turn around...so now we will just go faster and faster in the wrong direction!  It's like we are on a train that has no breaks going where no one knows.  Do I have a solution?  Not really, I just firmly believe that it must start in our own homes!  We must take care of our own first, then help those in our own communities before we even begin giving to other states and countries.  You know how you must have a firm foundation when building a house before you ever start building the walls and roof? Why do we not apply this same concept in our lives?  It seems that there's this thought that someone else will do it for me...why?  Why should someone else do it for you?  What makes you think that someone will do it for you?  I was taught to take care of yourself first and then help others...if you're not strong then how can you possibly be of any help to someone else?

So let's start in our own homes...educating ourselves then our children!  Building our strong foundations then building up from there.  With the technology today, we should be unbelievably smart yet we (I speak generally here about the whole) don't even know the capital of the United States or who won the Civil War!  Shame on us for letting things get this out of control...many many men & women have died for our freedoms in this great country and we seem to show no care in the world!  I don't know how this happened but it's heartbreaking!

So I push myself everyday to learn something new and think outside the box...I owe this to my dad!  He told me over and over again during his last few weeks that I had to push myself and think outside the box...I will and I will Keep On Keepin On!

Trinity

Mom of Boys

Mom of Boys

Moms of boys have a different outlook than moms of girls...My mother in law has 2 sons and 6 grandsons...no girls (except for her 2 daughter in laws)...and she knows boys and what makes them boys.  She always knows the best gifts for boys, no matter what their age.  She's happy to get together whenever, it never has to be on the exact holiday.  She's tough as nails...you have to be to raise boys or they'll run right over you.  She never stops and is always doing...always!  If you mention you'd like a certain pie or food, she will have it made within the next few days.  If you need help with something, she is there!  She shows up at endless ballgames and school programs and if you mention that you're looking for xyz she usually shows up with it!  I've learned how to be a boy mom from watching her...it's a tough job and yet she makes it look easy!

This month I have been married to her youngest son for 20 years!  Whoa...20...wow that went by fast!  So I want to thank her for raising the man of my dreams!  I'm realizing what a feat that was now that I'm raising boys that will someday be husbands and fathers.  I know it's hard to blend families and understand each other but this woman raised my husband, who is just awesome!  And she managed to do this on a farm...she grew up farming as well as my father in law...they can outwork most 20 somethings.  The work ethic they taught their boys is like none other...not gonna lie, somedays it makes me crazy!  Can we just take a break?!  However, now that I'm raising boys to be men...I understand the life lessons they taught my husband and that we are teaching our boys.  I've never had to worry about much because my hubby can take care of things...and he learned that from his mom and dad.  It takes so much to raise boys, but to raise them on the farm takes true grit...Thank you for all you did to make my hubby what he is today!

Happy Mother's Day to one of the hardest working women I know...you deserve some extra TLC!