Tough Days

When your 8 year old asks you tough questions, you take a deep breath, hold back the tears, and tell him the truth!  Some days life throws you big curve balls and they just keep coming.  I refuse to let it bring me down.  This boy of mine asks questions about my dad, his Papa, all the time.  If he doesn't ask questions then he's trying to piece together memories he has with him.  Most days I can answer and talk about my dad just fine.  But some days...it is hard.  I mean the kind of hard that makes your whole body ache and feel sick to your stomach and it seems there is no end in sight!

This made me think about how much my dad was in tune to those he loved.  If I needed extra attention then he gave it...looking back I'm sure he had lots of other things to do but I never knew it...because he put his loved ones first!  This is what being a parent is all about.  I had 2 amazing parents that did this exact thing for me...I thought most people grew up like this but I'm learning that's not the case.  And it's way easier to be consumed with my own list and agenda but I can't help but think about how my dad did with me and my older two boys...so I do what is harder.  I do it, sometimes with tears in my eyes but none the less I do it.

So when Trevin tells me about all the things he used to do with his Papa, I smile and tell him things he doesn't remember.  He looks at me with the most precious eyes and says, "I sure do miss my Papa!  I wish he was still here!"  I smile at him and say, "me too kid, me too!"  as a tear falls from my eye.  I keep it together the best I can.  Then during the dark and still of the night I cry and cry.  My heart hurts, my body hurts, I miss my dad!  It hurts to know that my little boys won't know their Papa like the older boys did...it hurts to know he's not here watching them grow into the amazing young men they are...it hurts not being able to ask him for advice, talk to him, or tell him stories about the boys!  It just hurts...but then after I'm done crying around about it I can hear my dad say, "Enough kid, enough crying around!"  He had a way with words and knew how to encourage...So I sit back and think about all the awesome times we had and all he taught me.  The most important thing he left me with is when he told me to "Keep on living' kid, whatever you do just keep living'!"

The best gift ever...I don't feel guilty about living life and if I'm down I remember what he said and think to myself, "Wow, was he right!"  So I may let a tear fall here and there, I may cry in the night, but I will never feel guilty about living life without him here.  So I must teach that to my boys, because when it's my time to go, I want them to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  And just remember all the fun we had!