Little Ones Can Teach Us...If We Will Just Listen!

This boy...he says things that make you smile and take the wind out of your sail and everything in between.  He's the youngest of 4 boys, so you can imagine having 3 older brothers makes him one tough boy.  I know my dad would be proud of him...

He was just 7 months old when my dad died, yet he talks about Papa all the time.  It's like he knew him and he doesn't want to forget him.  But it's what he said the other day that made my heart skip a beat and hard to breathe...I wanted to break down and cry, not just a few tears rolling down my face but the ugly snot running cry.  

We were driving to town, we spend a lot of time in the car taking his brothers to and from their activities, and he was talking like he usually does.  When he says, "Did you know that Papa is an angel?"  I said, "Yes, why is he an angel?"  Gentry didn't hesitate with his response, "Because he's in Heaven with Jesus!"  And that's when I wanted to lose it and let the ugly cry out but I didn't.  I didn't want him to think it upset me to talk about Papa.  I let the tears roll down my cheek and put a smile on my face and said, "You're absolutely right, Gentry!"  My heart was full and empty at the same time...full of love and pride from what this sweet innocent little boy already knew and how he reminded me of what's really important in this life and empty in the fact that Papa isn't here to be with him like he was his older brothers and how he's not here to wrestle him, love him, teach him all the important things and how he's not here to push me to be a better parent or guide me in the right direction or just give me that extra hug and the push when he'd say, "Now go and give 'em Hell, kid!"

So I just started telling Gentry all about how much his Papa loved him and how proud of him he is and I just let the tears roll gently down my face.  I then began explaining that sometimes girls cry when they're upset, happy, mad, or overwhelmed...afterall just because he lives in a house dominated by male testosterone doesn't mean he can't be compassionate and understanding of women and their feelings...my dad was the tough guy that was compassionate!  Then I couldn't help but laugh out loud when Gentry said, "I know girls cry for all kinds of things, that's what they do at school."  I just looked at him in awe of what he knows at the ripe old age of 4!  Sometimes it's good to stop and listen to the little kids, they have a thing or two figured out about this life!

Later that night, I cried the ugly cry in the shower...that seems to be my only time I can let it all out.  I cried because I miss my dad!  I cried because I hate it that my boys don't have their Papa!  I cried because my mom doesn't have her Honey (that's what they called each other!)  Their love was like none I've seen before (that's a whole story in itself...I'm hoping my mom is writing it, she's amazing with words!)  I cried because my Granny is without her firstborn!  I don't care how old you get I think it would be terrible to watch your child die, it's not the natural order of life.  I just cried!  You just don't know how much of an effect you have on others until you're gone and the pain is absolutely indescribable ...but with grace you get through it and manage to keep on living.  After all isn't that what it's all about?  Loving hard, living life, enjoying the good and dealing with the bad...so I will KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!!! 

VOTE!!!

VOTE!!!

It's election time again...I love having the privilege to vote!  I will never understand those that don't exercise their right to vote...many men and women have died for us to have that right and I don't feel we should take it lightly!  With that being said, it's times like this when I really miss my dad even more than usual...he was great a talking politics and candidates and always making me think!  We would usually talk quite a bit about the candidates and the happenings in the world.  He wasn't afraid to go against the grain and speak his opinion...loved that about him.  So as much as I love this time of year and this amazing privilege I have, it's bittersweet.  I miss my dad!  I miss my dad!  Did I mention that I miss my dad? 

Since he's not here to talk all this through I've been going over things in my mind...and here goes...

First of all, go vote!  I hope it's an educated vote!

Second, I don't even know where to begin on how things are in this great world we live in but I do know this...I want less government and more people to take action for their own lives!  I'm pretty much a live and let live kinda girl.  You take care of your business and I'll take care of mine, I'm sure it won't be done the same way but that's ok.  We all can't be the same!!!  That's right, we all can't be the same!  When did it become an acceptable thought process that we should all be, have, do the same???  Why should I pay more in taxes if I'm willing to work more, take more risks?  Why should all kids learn the same way and test the same way?  Why should my thoughts or your thoughts be the only right thoughts?  Why should my 2nd Amendment be taken away because guns scare you? Why should I have to take a drug test to get paid for a job and those that don't have a job but are getting money (tax dollars) don't have to take a drug test?  And why can't we disagree?  You know the saying, "Agree to disagree"!  Isn't that what makes America great?  Diversity! 

I highly suggest watching the movie, The Giver!  And Idiocracy!  These will make you think!  And maybe outside the box!

I'll leave my politics at that...even though I have way more thoughts!  My main point is to VOTE!!!  Educate yourself and think about how you want things to go in the future and VOTE!!!  If for no other reason, think about our current military serving over seas in other countries that have no rights to VOTE, so that we may have this awesome right to VOTE!!!  I heard my dad say many many times to people of opposing view points from him to VOTE!  

My last thought...THERE IS NOTHING FREE!!!  When people say I got free tuition or free food or whatever it is free...it's not free!  Someone somewhere has paid for it!  The government is funded by the people's tax dollars...and just look at your pay stub to see how much the government takes!  As my dad used to say, "Ain't nothin free!" 

Don't Lose It...

Don't Lose It...

My dad always pounded this in my head...Don't Lose It!  He'd tell me over and over just how important it is not to lose it when the pressure is on or in stressful situations.  He used to tell me to hold it together, apparently I'm a little over dramatic!  He explained how you must keep it together while the pressure is on or until the stressful situation ceases, then you can lose it.  You can lose it however you need to as long as you hold it together while in the midst of it.  I feel like I'm pretty good at this, especially after holding it together while he was in the process of dying.  He didn't want any crying around, so I didn't...at least not in front of him!  It's been almost 4 years and sometimes I lose it just thinking about those last weeks, but I think it's ok because I held it together like he had instructed me to do. 

Last week I had to put this advice into play.  My youngest of 4 boys, Gentry, had apparently stuck something up his nose at some point in time.  We had gone to dr. the week before and he wanted to do a round of antibiotics then see us the next week.  So we went in for the follow up and I figured that we'd have to hold him down to dig out whatever he had up his nose...however I was wrong.  It was too far up to dig it out!  Now we have to go to an ear, nose, and throat dr.  So I was thinking it'd be another week or so before we'd get an appointment.  I left the dr. office ready to take Gentry to school and get busy feeding the cattle.  I had a written out list from my oldest son, who could totally run the farming operation if it weren't for having to go to school and be a kid!  Just as I was ready to get Gentry out of the pickup, my phone rings.  It was the dr. office telling me to get to the hospital now!  They wanted to get Gentry in TODAY!  I thought, great, we will get this taken care of quickly.  At this point I wasn't even thinking about not losing it...

So we get to the hospital and wait for the dr to come out of surgery to look at Gentry.  He was a trooper, not scared one bit.  The nurses were amazing and had plenty of toys for him to pick from!  We were sitting in a little recovery room waiting and all of a sudden my chest gets tight and I feel like I'm going to break out in a cold sweat.  All I wanted to do was go into pure panic with full blown crying to add...but instead I said a prayer.  I asked God to help me and give me peace then I called my hubby.  He was out of town working and couldn't be there but was great at listening to me on the phone and keeping me calm, the numerous times I called him!  Then my mother in law called to see if I needed anything...Oh my, yes!  I hadn't eaten much for breakfast and now it was close to noon, I needed something to drink and eat.  The dr came in and said he couldn't get it without sedation, meaning that they'd put Gentry under...now at this point I had to push the panic way back and keep it together.  So I begin to get Gentry in his hospital gown as he's playing with the great Star Wars light saber the nurse got him.  Grandma shows up and sits with us for a little bit and then they take him back.  He was awesome!  He wasn't scared and showed no fear! So off to the waiting room we went and Grandma brought me in some lunch.  I didn't even get half my lunch eaten when the dr comes out with the ROCK...YES A ROCK!  My sweet Gentry had stuck a ROCK up his nose and I have no idea when he did it.  So we head back to recovery and within 30 minutes we were out of there.  Gentry woke up fine and happy and can breathe much better now!

I went home and just pretty much collapsed...slept a little bit and woke up feeling like I had survived...Gentry was playing and I had survived!  Life with 4 boys ain't easy to say the least.  I think my dad would be proud that I didn't lose it and took care of the situation...I'm still trying to grasp it all but I think I'll be doing that for many years to come with this house full of boys.  My motto these days is, "There's never a dull moment!"

Seasons of Life

Seasons of Life

There is one constant about life…it changes.  It changes sometimes when we least expect it and sometimes we can see it coming, either way it changes.  My dad used to say, “Nothing stays the same forever!”  I never really gave it much thought but it seems the more years I’m alive the more truth there is to this.  Life is funny how you can hear something you're whole life but not really know it or understand it til later.

I never will forget this conversation I had with my dad shortly after his heart surgery and the docs told him he wouldn’t make it without a heart transplant.  With this news he just smiled and said no thanks.  He said he wasn’t about to spend the time he had in and out of hospitals and that there are worse things than dying.  Which reminded me how many times growing up he told me, “I’m not always going to be here to show you how to do these things, you gotta pay attention kid!”  He would tell me this when we were changing the oil, out grocery shopping, cooking, and of course when he would take me shooting and I just thought yeah, yeah, ok dad.  Wish I would’ve paid a little more attention!  Well when the docs tell you news that no one wants to hear, you pay pretty close attention!

I was driving and dad was in the front seat, we were just talking and then he began to explain the Seasons of Life…

He said, “You know kid, if we’re lucky we get to live through all the seasons…spring, summer, fall, and winter.”  I had no idea where he was going with this but I was all ears and holding back tears.  He didn’t want any crying around, so I had to keep it together.  He always stressed how important it is to keep it together during the event and then after you can loose it and deal with it however you need but not while it’s happening!  So he went on to explain, “We are born in the spring.  Our childhood is spring and we are learning to bloom.  Then after we grow up and leave home we come into summer.  Summer is when you’re becoming an adult and having babies and careers, like you are right now.  Then when your babies grow up and leave home you move into fall.  Fall is the time when you get to watch what you’ve worked so hard for come into their own and when you get to stop working so hard and relax a little to prepare for the next season of winter.  I’m in late fall and not going to have a winter.  Some never make it out of spring, so I’m lucky I’ve make it to late fall.”  At this point, I was sobbing on the inside but didn’t let it show or at least that’s what I thought.  I know he knew I was breaking but he wanted to keep talking and explaining and knew he had been preparing me all along from the beginning.  So he went on, “Winter is when things begin to die, sometimes slowly and sometimes with a quick snowstorm.  And that is how life is and how God created it and who are we to question it!  We just try to understand it the best we can and then make the most of whatever season we are in.  Everyone is in different seasons at the same time.  Do you understand what I’m telling you, kid?”  I sat in the driver’s seat, beginning to realize that I’d be in the driver’s seat from here on until my time comes to explain the Season’s of Life to my boys…my heart was breaking and I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me but I just looked at my dad and said, “I understand dad.”  Even though my brain understood my heart did not…it’s still trying to understand.  

I’m a different person now than I was then…I’ve learned lots and continue to do so, after all isn’t that what life is all about…keep learning and keep doing and keep loving…Life is ever changing!

I want to make the best of this ever changing life, the good and the bad, so I’ll KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON!

My Birthday, 6 years ago!

My Birthday, 6 years ago!

For the first time in 6 years I felt like celebrating my birthday.  It's been a long and short 6 years.  On my actual birthday 6 years ago my whole world changed and I finally feel like I'm living life again!  My dad went to the heart hospital via air e-vac 6 years ago, then a few days later he had open heart surgery.  All of our lives were suddenly changed and would never be the same again.  I watched my mom show her strength yet grieve for the husband that would no longer be.  I watched my older boys (who were 9 & 6 at the time) try to grasp what was happening.  I watched my husband show more love than I ever knew possible.  I watched my dad's mom grieve for the son who had already been through so much.  I remember watching it all, feeling like it was a dream and that I'd wake up soon.  The days that followed my birthday were filled with cold hospital room, sleeping in waiting room, filling out paperwork with difficult decisions, remembering to eat, making arrangements for the boys (thankful my mother-in-law just stepped in and took care of them), trying to find the positive yet knowing that our lives would never be the same again.  

When a big life event such as this happens, it seems that all the things that mattered to you before no longer do.  It doesn't matter, the little things!  My dad used to tell me all the time, "Don't sweat the small stuff, kid!"  I would think but dad, this is important.  It seems he knew what was important all along.  Six years ago, I changed...it's been a rough 6 years with many blessings!  But I'm not the same person I was then, thankfully!  It all seems a blur at times and then other times it is crystal clear.  My dad left this earth 3 years ago but he really left 6, because after he came home from the hospital, he was never the same!  He tried but he just wasn't.  So I think the grieving process began 6 years ago, without me even knowing it.  

I always feel anxious around my birthday since this event and this year was no different but I did feel like it was time to enjoy.  I've always enjoyed my birthday, my family, and pretty much life...kinda been out of it for the past few years and feel like I've missed so much.  I'm ready to live life and enjoy everything that I've got...so much to be thankful for!  This life is short and I intend on loving it.  I think about my dad everyday and reach for the phone to call him.  It still hurts!  I miss him!  I wish he was here!  My big boys talk about their Papa all the time and that makes my heart happy!  Hubby talks about him, they had a great relationship and how he misses him!  One of the best gifts that my dad gave us...he told us all the way up until the end, "You've got to keep on living life and doing!  Don't stop!"  I'm thankful for those words and that he had the strength to push us to KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

Life on the Farm...

Garrin & Ryler a few years back.

Life on the Farm...



I love this picture.  It's almost 4 years ago and it seems like yesterday.  I was pregnant with Gentry and had just begun my journey with being at home on the farm.  Up until then I worked all the time!  I think back now and wonder why!  Oh well, I finally learned and I'm still learning...but isn't that what life is all about?  It's a learning process, after all if you're not learning something new then you become stagnant.


I used to help very little on the farm but with my dad's encouragement I'm out in the midst of it now.  Now let me be clear, I don't drive tractors or big trucks, but I do help them move vehicles from field to field and make food that I never thought I know how to make, oh and wash the obscene amount of the dirtiest clothes I've ever seen.  I'm learning more and more on the day to day activities that go on to make a farming operation run.  And to be honest, some days I think to myself, what did I do?  It's hard!  I don't understand some things on the farm.  When I start to feel this way, I can hear and almost feel my dad telling me this is the best life ever!  He told me that if I ever wanted to spend time with my boys that I'd better close up shop and get out on the farm and learn it and love it and do it!  I thought ok ok, I can do that.  Most days I feel like YES I CAN DO THIS!  And the days when I don't...my dad's voice keeps encouraging me.  I can feel how proud he is and he's not even here anymore!  That's just an awesome feeling.

Time goes by way too fast...I'm thankful for my mom and dad encouraging me all of my life!  My mom gets the job of encourager now and she does great with it!  Life doesn't always go as we have planned...thankful it doesn't!  But I'm thankful for the push my parents gave me to change directions and be out on the farm with my boys.  They're growing up and I'm loving watching the young men they are becoming...I'd like it to slow down just a little so I can really take it all in but since I can't I'm just going to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON and enjoy every day...the good, the bad, and the just plain everyday!

Wow...you grew up fast!

Garrin...wow you grew up fast! 

Wow...you grew up fast!

This week my first born graduates from the 8th grade.  I'm full of mixed emotions.  My first thought is "Wow...you grew up fast!"  like lightening bolt fast.  My dad told me that would happen!  Like seriously, I should still be in high school!  Second, did I do good enough?  I think about these last years and wonder if I did enough to teach you to think for yourself, stand up for what you believe in, spend all the time I could with you, and the list goes on and on.  Third, I think about you going to high school and all that brings.  So I just pray that I did enough and that high school will be a great adventure that takes you to the next big adventure.

Life with 4 boys is fast and furious to say the least.  It's more fun than "the law ought to allow" as my dad used to say.  As well as the hardest gig I've ever had and it feels like it's all going by way too quickly!  If I just didn't need sleep, maybe then just maybe I could do all that I want to do...but I need sleep, so I'll just trust that I'm doing the best I can at this time with what I've been given.  That's all we can really do!

I do have a big missing piece, my dad!  I wish he was here with us to see this and enjoy this ride like I am.  I wish he was here so I could tell him, "You were right, dad, about everything!"  I wish he was here to celebrate, to help guide me on this parenting of boys gig, to laugh (like only he could), to just give me a bear hug and tell me "You did good, kid!"  I know he's here, I can feel him, but oh how I miss him.  It's been 3 years since he left this earth and it has gone by fast.  I wish he was here to give this son of mine, that he helped groom, wise words of advice like only he could.  I just remember him always saying, "Life is short and nothing stays the same forever."  

This boy has been amazing and so much fun to watch grow.  I hope he always knows that I've done the best I know how and that I'll continue to do so til the day I die.  I will soak up these next 4 years and enjoy watching him spread his wings.  I will continue teaching him to think for himself, even though it seems it's not always like my thinking, and watch him take on the world.  And yes that means that I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!