This boy...he says things that make you smile and take the wind out of your sail and everything in between. He's the youngest of 4 boys, so you can imagine having 3 older brothers makes him one tough boy. I know my dad would be proud of him...
He was just 7 months old when my dad died, yet he talks about Papa all the time. It's like he knew him and he doesn't want to forget him. But it's what he said the other day that made my heart skip a beat and hard to breathe...I wanted to break down and cry, not just a few tears rolling down my face but the ugly snot running cry.
We were driving to town, we spend a lot of time in the car taking his brothers to and from their activities, and he was talking like he usually does. When he says, "Did you know that Papa is an angel?" I said, "Yes, why is he an angel?" Gentry didn't hesitate with his response, "Because he's in Heaven with Jesus!" And that's when I wanted to lose it and let the ugly cry out but I didn't. I didn't want him to think it upset me to talk about Papa. I let the tears roll down my cheek and put a smile on my face and said, "You're absolutely right, Gentry!" My heart was full and empty at the same time...full of love and pride from what this sweet innocent little boy already knew and how he reminded me of what's really important in this life and empty in the fact that Papa isn't here to be with him like he was his older brothers and how he's not here to wrestle him, love him, teach him all the important things and how he's not here to push me to be a better parent or guide me in the right direction or just give me that extra hug and the push when he'd say, "Now go and give 'em Hell, kid!"
So I just started telling Gentry all about how much his Papa loved him and how proud of him he is and I just let the tears roll gently down my face. I then began explaining that sometimes girls cry when they're upset, happy, mad, or overwhelmed...afterall just because he lives in a house dominated by male testosterone doesn't mean he can't be compassionate and understanding of women and their feelings...my dad was the tough guy that was compassionate! Then I couldn't help but laugh out loud when Gentry said, "I know girls cry for all kinds of things, that's what they do at school." I just looked at him in awe of what he knows at the ripe old age of 4! Sometimes it's good to stop and listen to the little kids, they have a thing or two figured out about this life!
Later that night, I cried the ugly cry in the shower...that seems to be my only time I can let it all out. I cried because I miss my dad! I cried because I hate it that my boys don't have their Papa! I cried because my mom doesn't have her Honey (that's what they called each other!) Their love was like none I've seen before (that's a whole story in itself...I'm hoping my mom is writing it, she's amazing with words!) I cried because my Granny is without her firstborn! I don't care how old you get I think it would be terrible to watch your child die, it's not the natural order of life. I just cried! You just don't know how much of an effect you have on others until you're gone and the pain is absolutely indescribable ...but with grace you get through it and manage to keep on living. After all isn't that what it's all about? Loving hard, living life, enjoying the good and dealing with the bad...so I will KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!!!
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