My Birthday, 6 years ago!

My Birthday, 6 years ago!

For the first time in 6 years I felt like celebrating my birthday.  It's been a long and short 6 years.  On my actual birthday 6 years ago my whole world changed and I finally feel like I'm living life again!  My dad went to the heart hospital via air e-vac 6 years ago, then a few days later he had open heart surgery.  All of our lives were suddenly changed and would never be the same again.  I watched my mom show her strength yet grieve for the husband that would no longer be.  I watched my older boys (who were 9 & 6 at the time) try to grasp what was happening.  I watched my husband show more love than I ever knew possible.  I watched my dad's mom grieve for the son who had already been through so much.  I remember watching it all, feeling like it was a dream and that I'd wake up soon.  The days that followed my birthday were filled with cold hospital room, sleeping in waiting room, filling out paperwork with difficult decisions, remembering to eat, making arrangements for the boys (thankful my mother-in-law just stepped in and took care of them), trying to find the positive yet knowing that our lives would never be the same again.  

When a big life event such as this happens, it seems that all the things that mattered to you before no longer do.  It doesn't matter, the little things!  My dad used to tell me all the time, "Don't sweat the small stuff, kid!"  I would think but dad, this is important.  It seems he knew what was important all along.  Six years ago, I changed...it's been a rough 6 years with many blessings!  But I'm not the same person I was then, thankfully!  It all seems a blur at times and then other times it is crystal clear.  My dad left this earth 3 years ago but he really left 6, because after he came home from the hospital, he was never the same!  He tried but he just wasn't.  So I think the grieving process began 6 years ago, without me even knowing it.  

I always feel anxious around my birthday since this event and this year was no different but I did feel like it was time to enjoy.  I've always enjoyed my birthday, my family, and pretty much life...kinda been out of it for the past few years and feel like I've missed so much.  I'm ready to live life and enjoy everything that I've got...so much to be thankful for!  This life is short and I intend on loving it.  I think about my dad everyday and reach for the phone to call him.  It still hurts!  I miss him!  I wish he was here!  My big boys talk about their Papa all the time and that makes my heart happy!  Hubby talks about him, they had a great relationship and how he misses him!  One of the best gifts that my dad gave us...he told us all the way up until the end, "You've got to keep on living life and doing!  Don't stop!"  I'm thankful for those words and that he had the strength to push us to KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!