Wow...you grew up fast!

Garrin...wow you grew up fast! 

Wow...you grew up fast!

This week my first born graduates from the 8th grade.  I'm full of mixed emotions.  My first thought is "Wow...you grew up fast!"  like lightening bolt fast.  My dad told me that would happen!  Like seriously, I should still be in high school!  Second, did I do good enough?  I think about these last years and wonder if I did enough to teach you to think for yourself, stand up for what you believe in, spend all the time I could with you, and the list goes on and on.  Third, I think about you going to high school and all that brings.  So I just pray that I did enough and that high school will be a great adventure that takes you to the next big adventure.

Life with 4 boys is fast and furious to say the least.  It's more fun than "the law ought to allow" as my dad used to say.  As well as the hardest gig I've ever had and it feels like it's all going by way too quickly!  If I just didn't need sleep, maybe then just maybe I could do all that I want to do...but I need sleep, so I'll just trust that I'm doing the best I can at this time with what I've been given.  That's all we can really do!

I do have a big missing piece, my dad!  I wish he was here with us to see this and enjoy this ride like I am.  I wish he was here so I could tell him, "You were right, dad, about everything!"  I wish he was here to celebrate, to help guide me on this parenting of boys gig, to laugh (like only he could), to just give me a bear hug and tell me "You did good, kid!"  I know he's here, I can feel him, but oh how I miss him.  It's been 3 years since he left this earth and it has gone by fast.  I wish he was here to give this son of mine, that he helped groom, wise words of advice like only he could.  I just remember him always saying, "Life is short and nothing stays the same forever."  

This boy has been amazing and so much fun to watch grow.  I hope he always knows that I've done the best I know how and that I'll continue to do so til the day I die.  I will soak up these next 4 years and enjoy watching him spread his wings.  I will continue teaching him to think for himself, even though it seems it's not always like my thinking, and watch him take on the world.  And yes that means that I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

Crazy & Strange

Crazy and Strange

I saw this and it reminded me of my dad!

It's crazy how certain times of the year will bring back memories so clear, like it was yesterday.  I love that feeling of my heart being flooded with awesome memories and times gone by.  This Easter took me back to when my dad was dying three years ago.  It was a time of strength and endurance, not for the faint at heart.  My mom and I were in the trenches of watching and helping my dad die with the dignity that he felt so strongly about.  Easter came and went and I remember not doing one thing for my kiddos, thankful that my mother in law stepped in and took care of things!  I remember the feel of spring and new which was odd since my dad was dying.  I remember thinking about how many times my dad would tell me, "Don't sweat the small stuff, kid!"  At the time I thought what?  But it was during those weeks with my dad that I began to understand just a little of what he meant.  I mean you soon learn that the small stuff, that can be so overwhelming at times, means very little in the big scheme of things!

Life is short.  Period.  It's too short to worry about the small stuff.  He always said that he wanted to live everyday like it was his last.  Life is too short.  Now as spring is here and the sight of new life shows, I look around and can't help but think about my dad.  I think about how much strength he had his whole life and then when he was dying and he knew it and he faced it head on.  He reminded me that life has seasons and that we don't always get to see all the seasons or understand why, that's God's business.  He showed me how to have strength and faith like no other at a time when I felt weak and helpless.  I want to have that kind of strength and wisdom and pass it on to my boys.  

This spring I think of my dad, but I think of him everyday.  I'm thankful for this awesome life I have and I want to teach my boys what my dad taught me.  That's the legacy I want to leave.  Spring brings new life in many ways but it will always remind me of the time I spent with my mom helping my dad die on his terms.  If you knew him, you know how important that was!  Spring breaks my heart and fills me full of strength all at the same time.  It's a strange feeling that I have a hard time describing.  The time from Spring Break til first part of May takes me back to a time when I learned just how strong I was, because if I could help my dad with his last wishes, then I could live through anything this life brings.  I want to live this life without fear and with contentment!  So as it goes I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON....

Learning All the Time

This truck tries to get the best of me...

Learning All the Time


So I am and will always be a farm girl in the making...

The other day while out feeding cattle, it was cold, snowing with some ice and this is how my day went...

I open the door to get out of this 1ton pickup...which I hate driving!  It's a standard stripped down farm truck.  It's not my usual pickup that I drive.  I look like a little old lady driving it and usually always kill the engine trying to change gears.  Now that you have a visual...while getting out of this pickup, that gets the best of me every time I drive it, I busted on my a$$!  Not before pulling something in my shoulder trying to keep from busting.  Snow is blowing, cattle are mooing (because they're hungry & the pickup has the food), and I begin crying.  I'm thinking what in the world am I doing! I manage to put out the bale of hay and then I turn to head back to the pickup that I despise and what welcomes me as I turn around...bulls!  They scared me and I jumped and not gonna lie, wet my pants just a little! I get myself together so I can finish feeding and stay on schedule...yes farmer's have schedules!  This girl has to be done with chores in time to pick up the boys from school.

I'm trying to put out the bale of hay with this strange pain in my shoulder, thinking man I must be getting old!  I'm finally to the last place that I put out the big round bale of hay and I've got to break the ice in the tank, so the cattle can get water.  It had been cold for a few days so there was lots of ice and it had been snowing on top of the ice.  I go to the tank and get ready to break the ice with this heavy sledge hammer...then I drop it through the snow & ice!  It falls to the bottom and all I can think about is crying some more.  The positive is that this was the last place I had to stop & break ice.

No way am I sticking my hand in this...

I sent a short version text of my day's events to my husband, and older 2 sons...thinking that they'd get a good laugh.  My husband calls and is laughing and says, "Sounds like you're having fun!"  I pick up my second son and he's laughing.  I pick up my oldest and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Did you get the sledge hammer out of the tank?"  I'm thinking oh no you didn't just ask me this!  I snapped...I know it's hard to imagine.  Ha ha!  I said, "Are you kidding me?  I wouldn't stick my hands in that nasty tank of water on a nice day and how dare you think I would.  So where do I get another one of those sledge hammer things?"  His response, "Mom, you don't just go buy another one!  We need to get it out of the tank!"  I couldn't help but smile about how he doesn't want to waste anything and the fact that he seriously thought I should've reached in that tank and got it out.

He was nice enough to get it out of the tank a few days later...boys are like that.  They always take care of things!  It's really a great thing to always have boys around.  So my life consists of boys, and lots of them, cow poop, dirty boots but most of all love.  Lots and lots of love.  Boys show love in many ways and with a house full of boys I feel so very loved!  I'm so very thankful that my parents encouraged me to make the big change and stay home with my boys and learn to help Gary on the farm.  I have so many stories about my life on the farm and I'm still learning and I hope that I'll always be learning...after all I'll always be a farm girl in the making!  So it goes that I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Never Say Never

Never say never...

I never would've thought that this would be my go to shoes!  Life is always changing and that's a good thing because if it stayed the same all the time it would be real boring.  So my life seems to be in a constant state of changing and just when I think I get the hang of the now, it changes!  If you would've asked me a year ago or even two if I ever thought I'd be helping on the farm (to the extent that I am now) I would've said no way, never!  So goes the saying, Never Say Never.

Back to these shoes...boots.  These are my everyday shoes these days and when I put them on I can't help but think about my dad.  These boots make me think about him in so many ways but the one that I must share is how much he encouraged me to quit my job and get out here on the farm, where the boys are!  When I say the boys, I mean my boys.  My boys that I've given birth to, changed their diapers, nursed them, cleaned them, and disciplined them...my boys...4 healthy boys!

I remember thinking how could my dad encourage me to do something so much out of the ordinary and against the grain.  Well if you had the pleasure of knowing my dad, he was no where near ordinary and almost always chose to go against the grain!  I love that about him.  And he'd go against the grain with passion that demanded you to take note!  So I knew I needed to listen when he was telling me to quit my job.  In a time when most women have careers and work outside the home and the fact that I never ever thought about not having a regular j-o-b...here was my dad pushing me almost insisting that I change direction.  So I listened with much frustration, but I listened!  Did I mention that I'm just a tad hard headed?! Ha ha!

So here I am...helping on the farm along side my hubby and 4 boys...loving this life!  A life I never thought I'd live, doing things I never thought I'd do...some days are killer and I scream and cry and think why in the world did my dad encourage me to do this?  Other days I feel like I've conquered the world, especially when I do or understand something new for the first time.  But most days I have joy and peace in my heart that I've never known before!  Then I stop and think, "Dad was right again!"

I've worked outside the home and now at home and I'm thankful for both experiences.  I love how life changes most of the time and I'm just trying to enjoy today.  Thinking that KEEP ON KEEPIN' is just a pretty great life!

Coming Out of the Fog...

Coming Out of the Fog...

Just when I think I've got things under control and that I've come out of the fog, the wind gets knocked out of me with such fierce force that it physically takes my breath away!  I know that this is how grief works only because I have friends that have tried to tell me and it's in every grief book/article I've come across.  Well just because you know something doesn't mean your heart knows and understands it.  It's interesting how the mind and heart work, isn't it?  (That's something that I would talk about with my dad...random thoughts and questions.)  

To say that I miss him is a huge understatement!

For quite some time I've been going about my business, day in and day out, thinking of my dad.  I'd think I wish he was here to see this or that.  I'd think about how happy he'd be seeing the boys growing into the young men they are.  I'd think about how I wish I could talk to him and see him.  I'd think about how much we would have to talk about with politics and all the things going on in the world today.  I'd think of him, miss him, and be thankful of all the time I had with him.  But...the other day was different!

I was out feeding cattle (something that's new for me in the last few years!) and all of a sudden my body ached.  My stomach hurt with such pain that I thought I was getting sick.  My toenails hurt with dull pain.  My hands cramped.  Tears began rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't grasp what was wrong.  Then I just began sobbing, crying, sobbing, and then the wailing came.  It sounds so crazy!  It just hit me like a ton of bricks fell on me that my dad is dead!  He's really dead.  He's not coming back.  I know I haven't seen him in almost 3 years...I watched him die.  My mind knows that but my heart can't grasp it.  So I just stopped the pickup and had myself a good snot flowing, screaming cry.  I sat in a wide open field among cows and new baby calves just screaming and crying and blowing my nose in the most unladylike way.  It was not a pretty sight!

I learned a few things that day.  After all my dad always said that, "Every day is training day."  Somedays I feel like I'm in boot camp with intense training and others I feel like I'm in a classroom learning just a little everyday.  This day felt like it was boot camp training on steroids!   

I realized that I will always always always miss my dad...that somedays will be harder than others...that I must learn and move forward...that life is way too short...that pain is part of life...that joy comes in places and ways we never thought possible...that it's important to learn something new everyday...that somedays are boot camp (I use this analogy as if I have real life experience.  I've never been to boot camp, except the workout kind.  I'm just going off what I've seen in movies and what I think it would be like!)...that it's so very important to keep living, loving, and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON! 

My dad used to talk about how there's a time for everything in life and seasons of life.  I often think about the verse Ecclesiastes 3:1-8...it says it all about life.  This season of my life is different than I ever thought...I'm doing things I never thought I'd do and loving it!  I'm enjoying my boys and all the craziness that it brings.  I think I'm finally coming out of the fog (You know the fog of grief...of being alive and doing all that has to be done but not really living or enjoying life...I'm finally coming out of the fog!)  On one hand I'm sad that it's taken me so long and on the other I'm thankful for all that I've learned and continue to learn.  I know that somedays are foggy and there's not a thing I can do about that.  But the days that aren't, I'm going to make the best of and live life!

Trinity

Life Lessons on the Farm...

Trevin & Hank

Life Lessons on the Farm...


A picture can speak a thousand words and bring so many things to mind.  I love taking pictures and looking back at all the wonderful memories.  However, the longer I live the more I realize that there are parts of life that can hurt.  I used to live in my own little bubble of a world and never had much of a care in the world but since my dad has died my bubble has been popped.  I was lucky to live 35 years in the bubble!

I'm learning that living on the farm is NOT for the weak!  I know I know, I've been living on the farm for over 12 years but only in the past 3 have I really been paying attention to life on the farm!  So I've had some hard lessons learned over the past few weeks.  It's hard on me but it's even harder to watch my boys learn the hard lessons of life on the farm.  My oldest is wise beyond his years and has much more strength than I (both physically & mentally) and there's not much that he's been sheltered from.  My second has such a tender heart with a ferrous side when needed and hasn't yet realized his own strength, maybe because his big brother is always protecting him.  My third, well he's a mix of both of his big brothers with a strong will.  My fourth, the baby, he's just starting to come into his own.  I've said all this to say that they've handled these last few days pretty well.

Here's the brunt of it...Hank died!

He ran out in the road and was hit just as we were heading out and we saw it happen.  I did not handle this part well.  I lost it!  It was like is was in slow motion and there wasn't a thing I could do.  All I wanted to do was run away but I just went to Hank and loved on him crying like a baby.  The man stopped and helped and stayed until our neighbor (that happens to be a vet) came.  I'm so thankful for the way this happened even though it's been one of the hardest things ever!  I would rather have the pain of being with him than to come home and see him in the road or for someone to knock on my door.  As hard as it was to see it happen and love on him as he slipped away, it's way harder to watch your boys deal with this life event on the farm.  Trevin has cried and cried.  I just want to cry with him but I don't.  I save my crying for the shower.  That's the time I give myself to deal with life now that my bubble of a world has popped.  My heart hurts watching my boys and it hurts because this furry friend was my protector.  Everyone loves the feeling of being protected and that's exactly how Hank was...a protector.  I loved coming home to seeing him be "king of the hill".

Once our great neighbor and his wife got here, we began preparing to bury Hank.  It all happened so quickly and I'm thankful for that!  She stayed inside with Gentry while the rest of us went to put him to rest.  I wasn't sure if Trevin should be there to see Hank but my father in law called and after we talked he brought him over.  It was dark, cold, and foggy.  Trevin gets out of the pickup and I go to him and he's crying and says he wants to see him.  I just wanted to pick Trevin up and hold him and take away all his pain but I didn't.  He cried and sobbed and then he went to where the big boys were digging the hole and wanted to be apart of it.  Our neighbor was helping and after they got the hole dug he asked if we had a blanket we wanted to wrap him in and of course Trevin had just the one in mind.  So they put him on the blanket from the back of the pick up and carried him.  It took my breath away to watch Garrin, his buddy Dalton, Ryler, Trevin, my father in law, and my neighbor carry this animal to his place of rest.  Then our neighbor prayed.  I just wanted to cry.  Cry because it happened, cry because my boys were upset, cry because death is hard no matter what!  So after the prayer they began putting the dirt over him and Trevin was in the middle of it helping and crying.  I just stood there watching my boys coming into their own all at different phases.

That's something to watch...you teach your children and prepare them and pray over them...and then know it's out of your hands...but watching it with my own eyes was an amazing feeling.  I can't begin to put it into words.  I'm so proud of the men they're becoming, of how they're always there for each other, and how they did this without hesitation.  Remember, I wanted to run away.  I didn't want to handle this but knew I had to.  They're amazing boys becoming men and that fills my heart!

During this whole process I could hear my dad saying, "Suck it up, kid.  This is all part of life, it ain't easy but this is how God made it."  And then he'd usually say something to the effect of how you've got to be able to handle whatever life throws at you, learn something from it, and then KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  Pretty sure he'd be proud of me and most definitely proud of my boys.  I know I am.

I am thankful for our wonderful neighbor & their friendship.  I'm thankful for the man staying & helping after the accident...I was a crying mess!

Trinity

Seize the Moment!

Boys Night!  

Seize the Moment!

So it's a Tuesday night and we are having boys night.  Yes I know it's a school night but you know sometimes you just have to seize the moment.  And that's one thing I try to do...seize the moment!  Of course we all know that we only live once but taking the time to really live is what it's all about!

"Boys Night" is something my dad started with the big boys when they were little and now we are continuing the crazy fun with the little boys.  It's bittersweet!  I can't explain the feeling of joy and missing someone so much it hurts all at the same time...it's a feeling I just can't describe.  Happy and sad all at the same time.

My dad would fix the boys steak and they would get IBC Rootbeer, make a big mess, blowup the air mattress and watch Burn Notice.  My dad would stay the night, I can only imagine how uncomfortable that air mattress was with boys climbing all over.  But I don't know who looked forward to "boys night" more, my dad or the boys!  I wasn't allowed at boys night so I'd usually just work late and let them do their thing.  Sometimes I'd come home to a house that looked like a tornado had hit it and I'd think oh my and have some frustration...but the look on my boys face was priceless! There they were all piled up with grins from ear to ear...and I'm not just talking about my boys.  I think, well I know, my dad loved it just as much as the boys.  He used to tell me that they would out grow him in no time and that he was going to make the most of the time he had with them.  I feel like that a lot these days.  The boys are growing at rate faster than I'd like and I can hear my dad saying, "Enjoy it while it lasts because they'll out grow you before you know it!"

My dad never did anything the conventional or traditional way and we aren't about to start now!  So here's to boys night, thinking about my dad, missing my dad, but loving the awesome memories and lessons he taught!  Looks like we will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON and make awesome new memories doing it!