Fear...Not Having It

Fear...Not Having It

Ryler Wayne Smith

The other day someone asked me if I worried about my son playing football and my first response was NO.  Everything in me says well yes it does but my heart says no.  It really made me think about how I view things.  And of course I view things with influence from my parents!  Do I like to watch football?  No!  I only watch it when my son is playing and then you can bet I'm the best football momma around and yes that includes wearing my son's button on my team shirt!  I choose not to fear or worry about him playing this sport for this reason...my dad used to tell me all the time, "If it's your time kid, it's your time.  Only God knows!  So just live life.  You know we all have close calls everyday, everyday...and people don't make a big deal about those but doing dangerous activity and people will act fearful and worry.  You've got to be ready because only God knows when it's your time."  Then he'd go on to talk about how we're suppose to live and grow old but only God knows how life will go and we aren't to fear or worry because it's basically all out of our control anyway.  So don't waste time and energy on things that might or might not happen.  I think of how many different times in my life that he reminded me of this and I'm so thankful that he always took the time to really explain life and never left anything unsaid!  

So do I like to watch football?  NO WAY!  But I watch my son, who loves to play, with peace and joy and he makes me super proud.  I pray for his safety but in all honesty I pray for all the boys in my house and their safety because after all boys will be boys!  Isn't that what makes boys into men...doing things that are just a little dangerous and pushing the limits?  My oldest likes to tell me that he's 10 feet tall and bulletproof and we both smile.  My dad used to say that all the time.  And then I remind him that no he's not and that I want him to grow up to live life long after I'm gone, so please stay safe!  

Raising boys is hard and trying on mommas but oh so worth the outcome of watching boys become men (and I'm just beginning to watch this unfold!).  And that reminds me that my dad used to tell me over and over, after having my first son and after having my other 3 sons...he said, "Trin, you only get them for 18 years!  Then they'll go off and find their own way in this world and hopefully let you be a part of that but you've only got them for 18 years, so make it count kid!"  I miss his wisdom and guidance!  I miss him everyday!  I reach for my phone to call him every single day!  I can feel his presence and I'm thankful but the pain is still so very real that he's not physically here.  But you know, only because he taught me this, I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Blur

Blur

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my dad or pick up my phone to call him!  To say that I miss him is a huge understatement.  It's been two and a half years since he died and sometimes it's like it was yesterday and others it's like a lifetime ago.  For whatever strange reason, I finally feel as if I am getting my life back together!  These last few years really seem like a blur.  I'm just thankful that I've snapped pictures, probably more than anyone will ever look at besides me, but I love looking back during this time of blur.  What makes me happy is seeing all my wonderful blessings...aka my hubby and 4 beautiful boys!

I think about my dad when the boys do something cute or funny, or when they're pushing me to my limit, or when I listen to talk radio, or when I put on my spyderco knife that my dad gave me.  It makes my heart happy to think about him and all that he taught me!  I'm trying to teach my boys the same things that he taught me but I think some things must already be hard wired in them.  I love it when they say things like he did or when they act like he did.  It's like I can feel his presence all around!  

I can't help but think about the circle of life.  My dad used to say that life goes on and you know what it really does...go on!  I'm realizing a lot of what my dad said as I gain life experiences.  And I can't help but smile and just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Another Year...

Another Year...

All I can say is that I really do not like the first day of school!  I love my boys being home and that we don't have too much of a schedule to keep.  Don't get me wrong, we are super busy in the summer!  There's always lots to do on the farm and the work is never done!  But I love love love my boys being around home.  They make messes, fuss, and annoy me but that feeling usually lasts a few minutes before I'm laughing or in deep conversation about life and realize how lucky I am!  I cherish my time with them!  It's so much fun to watch them learn and grow into grown up people with opinions and thoughts, even when they're not like mine!  It's an indescribable feeling and I don't want to lose it!

1st day of school 2014-2015

Back to school symbolizes another year gone by...it means that my boys are growing up and closer to the end goal of leaving home and spreading their wings...it makes me think of all the things I meant to do with them and never got around to it...it means schedules to keep...it means growing up!  I saw a toddler shirt the other day that said Don't Grow Up...It's a Trick.  I thought it was funny but really when you stop and think about it, it's the absolute truth!  I remember summer days lasting forever and counting down the days til I got my driver's license.  It seemed to last forever...little did I know it would pass so very quickly!  Don't you ever wish you knew then what you know now?!  I do but then I wonder if I would if life would be the same...probably not!

1st day of school 2013-2014

The first day of school this year was hard for this girl!  I really miss my dad!  Anytime I would be upset about the boys growing up, he had a way of reminding me that that's what they're suppose to do!  He'd tell me how it's my job to make them independent of me and to think for themselves.  But the thing he'd always say..."You don't want to raise any titty baby, do you kid?"  I could be crying my eyes out and when he'd say those words I'd just have to laugh.  Like I said, he had a way with words! So after I cried a little I had to bust out laughing just thinking about my dad.  I miss him everyday!  I miss
                                                                                                           his advice and guidance!                                                                                                                                            So you know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity

Mom's Night Out...the movie

Mom's Night Out...the movie

Yesterday was my 37th birthday and I pretty much planned my evening.  I knew I couldn't plan my whole day but I decided I was going to plan my evening.  I wanted to get my girlfriends and go to a movie and to be honest I really didn't care what movie.  I just wanted to have adult conversations and eat my own food without sharing and only go to the bathroom when I have to.  It sounds simple and selfish but for this momma of 4 boys, it's a luxury!  It was 5 years ago on my birthday that my dad went to the hospital, and my/our lives were changed forever.  One minute I'm swimming with my boys without a care in the world and the next I'm hoping that my dad will make it...but knowing in my heart that he wouldn't and he would never be the same.  That's kinda hard to grasp when I think about it now and I just needed a little girl time.

So back to the movie with my girlfriends...I had been wanting to go to this old movie theater in the small town about 45 minutes away.  I'd heard how great it was and cheap and the show dogs were just awesome.  I'd plan to go with my boys or hubby and something would always come up and we just never made it happen.  I thought...I'm going for my birthday.  When I checked to see what was playing I couldn't help but think it was meant to be when Mom's Night Out was showing.  I'd seen a few previews for it and thought it'd be funny.  However I never expected it to be so funny yet so close to the truth!  My friend leaned over and said is this a documentary of your life...I laughed and laughed and laughed some more and pee'd my pants just a little!  It was the perfect movie for my girls night out with the perfect company to boot.  I couldn't have planned it any better...if you've seen the movie you'll understand the whole planning thing!  

So here's to my mom blog... feeling completely stressed... lost in this world... questioning if you're doing all the right things for your children and husband... not having a minute to complete your thoughts... well I learned a little something from that movie...we are enough!!!  Yes that's right...WE ARE ENOUGH!  Right where we're at, we are enough!  So to all moms out there...know that and understand that God has a bigger plan and that you are enough right where you are!  This is just what I needed to Keep On Keepin' On! 

Get Over It...

Get Over It...

I've heard this several times since my dad died...It'll take awhile to Get Over It.  Now I'm sure that I've said that to people in the past and had no idea what I was saying and how it felt to them.  I'm learning what not to say!  But you know, until you have lived through certain situations you really don't know how you'd handle it.  Here's what I do know...YOU NEVER GET OVER IT!!!  You simply learn to live a new way of life without them.  I say simply as if it is really simple but it's far from it.

When a person that's loved and gives love dies, they leave a huge empty space that's not only physical but emotional as well.  You notice the physical absence immediately and the emotional absence seems to be harder the longer time goes by.  I grab my phone to call my dad over the littlest of things only to realize I can't talk to him.  Sometimes it's ok and other times it's all I can do not to bust out in tears.  Depending on when this wave of emotion comes over me depends on if I let those tears out.  I seriously never knew how much the wind could get knocked out of me at the most random times.  But the thing that I think about when this happens is...

If you love, live life, make the best of everyday (the good and the bad), and laugh then you are really living life.  And if you're really living life then no matter how long or short your time is on earth, your presence will be missed but you will have left a lasting impression on those around you and that you love.  So in a nutshell...LIFE GOES ON BUT YOU NEVER GET OVER IT!  I'm thinking that I'd rather have had all the great experiences and really lived life than not.  So you know you've got to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Father's Day

This is the 3rd Father's Day card I've bought for my dad since he died...
I can't help but still get him a card and fill it out.  I guess it's my
way of a little therapy.

Father's Day

It's been 2 years since my dad died and this makes the 3rd Father's Day without him...it's still rough!  I miss him!  I miss him everyday!  I still reach for the phone to call him everyday and still think he'll come driving up my road.  I miss him!  To say that it gets easier with time, like I've heard, is completely false in my opinion!  It is just a different way of life now.  And I can hear my dad saying, "You can either make this a great ordeal or a great adventure...don't waste time, kid!  Life's not fair but you've got lots to be thankful for!"  

I can't imagine how hard this way of life would be if my dad hadn't had such an amazing attitude about living and dying while he was here.  When I get down, I can hear him and the way he said things, and I can't help but smile and laugh just a little!  He really had a way with words and loved getting your attention by using a little shock factor, which I tend to do too!  He could light up a room like no other and I miss that!  I miss him!  The boys talk about him everyday and even the little ones talk about him like they knew him as well as the big boys.  It makes my heart happy and sad all at the same time.  I can't believe he's not here to make his mark on the little ones like he did with the big boys or that he's not here to help guide the big boys!  That makes my heart hurt.  I can feel him here but I really miss his presence.  

I just keep thinking about how short life really is and that we're not guaranteed tomorrow, something I think my dad really understood.  I'm guessing spending time in war would make a person have that understanding.  This is one life lesson learned from my dad that I'm so thankful he took the time to teach me.  Now I'm trying to teach it to my boys...Life's not fair and it's too short to sweat the small stuff!  My dad had a way of making even the worst situations good.  I'm a firm believer it's because of  his amazing attitude on life.  So I will try to do just as my dad taught me and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Just A Few Passions...

Why does life get so busy that we can't get to the things that tug at our heart?  Is it because we let society tell us what we have to do and when?  Is it because we're so focused on the day in and day out of life that we forget what really drives us?  I've thought lots about this lately as I haven't made time to do some of the things that I'm passionate about.  Well, now that it's officially summer break for my kiddos I feel like a whole new person!  So back to my passions and what really drives me.

I'm the mom that LOVES her kiddos being home!  I absolutely love love love them at home!  I have fun with them and our entire house feels balanced again.  I want to do all kinds of fun things with the boys and most don't require much except my time.  This is just one of my passions!   Oh, did I mention that I love my boys being home?!

I've been writing and love it...I haven't been blogging but working on a few other projects and that is something I never thought I'd love.  It's crazy how much things change.  My dad used to tell me, "The art of life lies in constant readjustment to your surroundings."  I'm reminded of this often and especially with a house full of boys!

I'm passionate about politics and try to stay up on the happenings of the world.  However, sometimes I get very frustrated and have to take a step back.  But for the most part, I really love my talk radio and learning about the things that will impact my family for years to come.

Something else that tugs at my heart is being healthy.  Notice I didn't say being skinny, but being healthy!  There's a big difference and I want to be healthy.  Let me just say that being healthy takes lots of time and planning.  I'm trying to teach the boys about being healthy and that's hard to do in our society these days.  We seem to live in such a fast paced world that it doesn't matter if it's good for you and that no one should rest.  I aim to teach my boys differently!

What can I say, I have a few passions!  These are just a few and I could list many more but these are the most important to me.  So here's to summer and finding my passions!  I will enjoy every minute of these short two months with my boys and then I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity