Father's Day

This is the 3rd Father's Day card I've bought for my dad since he died...
I can't help but still get him a card and fill it out.  I guess it's my
way of a little therapy.

Father's Day

It's been 2 years since my dad died and this makes the 3rd Father's Day without him...it's still rough!  I miss him!  I miss him everyday!  I still reach for the phone to call him everyday and still think he'll come driving up my road.  I miss him!  To say that it gets easier with time, like I've heard, is completely false in my opinion!  It is just a different way of life now.  And I can hear my dad saying, "You can either make this a great ordeal or a great adventure...don't waste time, kid!  Life's not fair but you've got lots to be thankful for!"  

I can't imagine how hard this way of life would be if my dad hadn't had such an amazing attitude about living and dying while he was here.  When I get down, I can hear him and the way he said things, and I can't help but smile and laugh just a little!  He really had a way with words and loved getting your attention by using a little shock factor, which I tend to do too!  He could light up a room like no other and I miss that!  I miss him!  The boys talk about him everyday and even the little ones talk about him like they knew him as well as the big boys.  It makes my heart happy and sad all at the same time.  I can't believe he's not here to make his mark on the little ones like he did with the big boys or that he's not here to help guide the big boys!  That makes my heart hurt.  I can feel him here but I really miss his presence.  

I just keep thinking about how short life really is and that we're not guaranteed tomorrow, something I think my dad really understood.  I'm guessing spending time in war would make a person have that understanding.  This is one life lesson learned from my dad that I'm so thankful he took the time to teach me.  Now I'm trying to teach it to my boys...Life's not fair and it's too short to sweat the small stuff!  My dad had a way of making even the worst situations good.  I'm a firm believer it's because of  his amazing attitude on life.  So I will try to do just as my dad taught me and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Just A Few Passions...

Why does life get so busy that we can't get to the things that tug at our heart?  Is it because we let society tell us what we have to do and when?  Is it because we're so focused on the day in and day out of life that we forget what really drives us?  I've thought lots about this lately as I haven't made time to do some of the things that I'm passionate about.  Well, now that it's officially summer break for my kiddos I feel like a whole new person!  So back to my passions and what really drives me.

I'm the mom that LOVES her kiddos being home!  I absolutely love love love them at home!  I have fun with them and our entire house feels balanced again.  I want to do all kinds of fun things with the boys and most don't require much except my time.  This is just one of my passions!   Oh, did I mention that I love my boys being home?!

I've been writing and love it...I haven't been blogging but working on a few other projects and that is something I never thought I'd love.  It's crazy how much things change.  My dad used to tell me, "The art of life lies in constant readjustment to your surroundings."  I'm reminded of this often and especially with a house full of boys!

I'm passionate about politics and try to stay up on the happenings of the world.  However, sometimes I get very frustrated and have to take a step back.  But for the most part, I really love my talk radio and learning about the things that will impact my family for years to come.

Something else that tugs at my heart is being healthy.  Notice I didn't say being skinny, but being healthy!  There's a big difference and I want to be healthy.  Let me just say that being healthy takes lots of time and planning.  I'm trying to teach the boys about being healthy and that's hard to do in our society these days.  We seem to live in such a fast paced world that it doesn't matter if it's good for you and that no one should rest.  I aim to teach my boys differently!

What can I say, I have a few passions!  These are just a few and I could list many more but these are the most important to me.  So here's to summer and finding my passions!  I will enjoy every minute of these short two months with my boys and then I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Two years...

Two years...

This month has been full of emotions and I'm doing good to just be upright.  Every activity this time of year reminds me of what I was doing 2 years ago.  I was with my mom and dad as my dad was dying.  It's the weirdest thing how you remember things and forget others.  It's not that this time of year is any harder than any other times of the year but I most definitely remember all that was going on while I was with my parents.  Been two years of finding myself and learning so much and having to grow up but my hubby has been amazing!  I never knew how much love he has for me.

Two years ago I spent about 6 weeks at my parents house, rarely coming home to spend time with my family.  I knew that I was at my parents house because my dad was dying and I was going to help him die the way that he wanted.  I'm so thankful to have had that time with them and been able to do it.  It seems so strange to say my parents house because now it's my mom's house.  There is a different feeling not having both parents, almost like a part of you is gone and will never be the same.  I know things always change but this was one big change that I knew was coming yet I'm still trying to find my way and grasp it all.

Spring is a busy time of year and I was totally focused on my time with my dad that I didn't pay much attention to all that was going on with my family.  I probably should have talked to my big boys a little more about what all was going on but you know hindsight is always 20/20.  I remember having a conversation with my dad about not dying on anyone's birthday.  We both laughed and he said, "Not to worry, kid!"  As if you can control just when you're going to die, but as usual my dad just reassured me that that wouldn't happen.  He had such a way of reassuring me and encouraging me.  I can not even begin to express how much I miss him.

Easter came and went while I was at my parents and I didn't do one thing for my boys.  I remember telling my dad that I hadn't done the boys an Easter basket that year and he just kept telling me that that's not what it's all about!  Over and over he reinforced how it's not about the stuff, and it's all about the time and relationships to build and the life lessons you leave behind.  He had such a way with words!  So guess what, I haven't done another Easter basket yet.  I'm sure my kids will be in therapy when they're adults just to deal with how I failed them during Easter, but guess what...I just keep hearing my dad say, "It's not about the stuff, kid.  It's not about the stuff!"  However, I am thankful that my mother in law always takes the time to make the boys some goodie bags.

So it's almost been 2 years, some ways it doesn't seem like it's been that long and other ways it still doesn't seem real!  I grab my phone to call my dad EVERYDAY!  I think he will drive up anytime to just drop by.  I don't know what I expected with the death of my dad, but I didn't expect to have the wind knocked out of me at the most unexpected times.  I didn't expect to pick up the phone to call him everyday or that I'd have such a hard time KEEPIN' ON

, but oh well life is not what you expect.  Everyday is a training day for the next and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON...

Trinity

All Those Feelings...

Could life get any better than this?

All Those Feelings...


I love pictures, just ask my family.  I take pictures all the time and usually drive them crazy but I don't care.  I love them and love looking back at them.  Just looking at them takes me back to that moment in time and it's the most amazing feeling.  So I've always got my phone out and sometimes the big camera because I don't want to miss anything.

I took this the other night when I went in to check on the boys and it completely melted my heart.  For a number of reasons,
1.  They're growing up too fast!
2.  They love each other!                                                                                      3.  Where has all this time gone?

These little babies that once needed me for everything now are growing into young boys and men and I couldn't be more proud.  However, I do think about my dad and wish he was here to see it all and help guide me with these precious souls and that he'd be super proud of them too.  And this reminds me of a funny story...

My older two boys were busy with dad, as it should be, on a Saturday afternoon. (We only had two at the time.)  I usually worked a lot but that Saturday I was finished early and it hit me hard that these boys that had been attached to me were no longer.  So I did what I usually did...called my dad.  Well by the time I dialed and he answered, I'm in a full blown melt down and he's laughing because he can't understand a thing I'm saying.  I'm going on and on about how the boys don't need or want me anymore and what was I suppose to do now.  I am blubbering and carrying on, like I can do! ;)  And my dad is laughing and saying, "Kid, they're doing what they're suppose to be doing.  It'll all be alright and you've got to enjoy what you've got because they're only going to keep growing and in the blink of an eye they'll be leaving home, just as it should be, to build a life that you've taught them how to do.  So just enjoy the messes now."  He tells me this and is still laughing at my emotional state.  I talk to my mom, who is way more sympathetic,  and she reassures me in only a way that mommas can that it will all be ok.  I hung up the phone still upset, lost, and sad...so I picked myself up and went to an afternoon movie all by myself.  I remember it was suppose to be funny (The Tooth Fairy) and I just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks with so many emotions running through me.  I laugh every time that movie is on now and think about my conversation with my mom and dad and all those feelings that I had.

My boys are growing up and becoming amazing young boys and young men and I'm enjoying everyday and all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it.  I love that my parents took time to listen and talk to me about what I was feeling and I hope that I will do that with my boys as they grow up and leave home and spread their wings and fly.  You know...I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Swirling....1,2,3,4

     Life can sure be funny.  Sometimes just when I think I'm getting in my groove and things are going well, out of nowhere comes a big truck and just almost runs me over!  You know it doesn't just take you out but just catches you so off guard that you're left swirling around trying to get a grip and then another truck comes and sends you swirling in another direction.  This happened to me a few weeks ago and it feels like I'm just now standing up straight and able to focus.  Life with 4 boys on the farm and the day to day chaos that it brings has kept me from making time for me to do my writing therapy and I can feel it.  I never knew that pouring out my heart and soul on "paper" could make me feel so much better!

     #1....Life's not fair so "Suck It Up Buttercup"....  My dad used to tell me this all the time and now I tell myself this everyday as well as my 4 boys!  Except I really wish that my dad was the one telling me, I wish he was here.  I miss him!  Now I have to be the one and most days I'm ok with that but some days I want to say screw it, go to bed, and wake up the next day with a whole new attitude but I can't.  So I just "Suck It Up" and make the most of what today brings.

     #2....Being a parent is the hardest gig ever! ....  I want so much for my children, not material things but life lessons and experiences.  I don't want to always have to be responsible or discipline but that's part of being a parent.  My heart breaks when my child struggles or they're heartbroken and it's unbelievable pain but I refuse to swoop in and fix everything for them because as hard as it is for me to watch, I know it'll be at least 10x harder on them later if I don't let them grow and learn how to handle things in life that come their way.  Seriously being a parent...hardest gig ever!

     #3....Best high you can get and money can't buy it....  Being a parent is the best high ever and you can't buy it with money.  The hugs, kisses, smiles, cuddles, questions of why, the everything about being a parent is AMAZING!  Knowing that it won't last forever, takes my breath away!  I want it to last and I want to remember it all and know that I lived it all and embraced it all!  Everyday I wake up and think that I have so much to teach and train the boys before they go off into this big old world and make their own way and I'm filled with excitement, sadness, and anxious all at the same time!  I just need it to slow down just a little but since I can't make that happen, I just hold on and savor every part like it was the best meal I've ever eaten.

     #4....There is evil in this world....  I have to deal with and I must teach my boys so they'll be armed to deal with the evil that will face them when I'm no longer in arms reach to protect them.  Teaching my boys about the evil is in no way fun but it must be done!

     This is just a little glimpse of what I've been dealing with.  Behind each of these titles is a story but I didn't have time to write them...so this will have to do for now.  I know we all have battles and struggles that we face everyday and that we all make a choice to let it rule us or that we will rule it...I miss my dad to help me and talk me through the day to day struggles of living life but I have much work to do to teach my boys all that I must...so you know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity

Pause button, I miss my dad.

Pause button, I miss my dad.


     My dad reminded me over and over that he'd rather live "One day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb".  And as time goes on I'm understanding that more and more but that doesn't take away the fact that I miss him!  I miss him everyday!  People say that time will make it better and I wonder if those people have dealt with death or if they're just trying to say something comforting.  I can't tell that time will make it better...I miss my dad.

     As time goes on I feel just as my dad, I know big surprise!  I'd rather live "One day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb".  I want to live fiercely, full of life and love!  That being said it's hard to do but I'm prepared for the challenge.  After all my dad trained me and prepared me to live life without him, just as I realize I'm doing with my boys.  I want them to be equipped to live life without me.  If I don't teach them how to live without me then, I'm failing them as their parent!  And I don't want to fail, I won't fail.  Therefore, I must walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk.  So being the parent is hard, it's even harder when I miss my dad.

     Some days I'm full of strength to face the day with a house full of boys but occasionally I'm doing good to get through the day.  I hate that feeling of just getting through the day, it feels like I've wasted that day.  For whatever reason I have this urge to make the most of everyday and not waste any part of life.  I can't tell if this feeling comes from watching my dad die or watching how fast my boys are growing up, maybe it's both.  I really need a pause button.  I need time to rest, plan, prepare, or as my dad would say, "Get your shit together!"

     So I miss my dad!  I want to call him everyday, numerous times throughout the day.  I think he'll be driving up anytime and I keep thinking did he really die or is this all been a bad dream?  I miss my dad!  Then I think about how blessed I've been with this amazing dad and realize that I've got to teach the boys just like he told me to and you know ...KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Never Say Never

Never Say Never...

 My dad used to say this all the time.  I've had some big life changes in the last few years and I'm reminded of this saying.  It speaks so much truth on many levels.  Never Say Never.  I never thought I'd be doing the things I'm doing these days but I'm so thankful that I am.  Life is funny and sometimes karma is a bitch, my dad said those as well!  So I'm telling you my life is funny and well, karma I don't really care much for her.

So here's a little about what I've been up to lately. I've been helping hubby feed cattle since he's the one with a what I like to call "real job".  You know the kind that requires working for a corporation and following rules, something I've been fortunate enough not to have to do.  I've always worked for myself or small businesses.  So back to me helping hubby…even though we've been married almost 18 years I'm still new to understanding the farming operation.  Every night I usually get my marching orders from hubby and I have to write it all out in detail which place has how many cattle and what kind of hay they get from what hay patch.  I'm super thankful for technology because I usually call hubby at least once during the day with a question about something!  

So this particular day was cold and I'd been breaking ice so the cattle could have water and I was down to my last stop.  I wrote down most of the directions the night before but I left out a little detail.  And let's just say that little details on the farm are BIG!  If you miss a little detail on the farm, then animals can die, money can be lost, and lots more work can be made for everyone.  So I was suppose to put one of these round bales in the lot for the cattle but it had to be a rye bale.  Hubby said he put a few bales out in front of the lot to make it easy for me but then when I went to put the big hay bale in the lot…I couldn't remember which one to get!  So I call hubby and he's describing which bale by color and texture…seriously, I thought hay was hay!  It's all big round bales of hay!  So I quickly got a little talk about how hay is not hay and what some of the reasons are why you feed certain hay and when.  I really couldn't figure out which hay so I took a picture and sent it to him and then he directed me from there.  Once again I'm very thankful for technology!  So I got the right hay where it needed to go.  Mission accomplished for that day and I couldn't help but think about just how far I've come!

Never Say Never!  I never thought I'd be helping on the farm and loving it!  I would've never had the courage to close my successful salon to stay at home and help my hubby on the farm if it hadn't been for my dad!  He really pushed me to make this life change and without his insight I think about all that I'd be missing.  I've already missed out on so much with my hubby and the big boys but I'm not going to miss anymore!  There is something about the farm that is just awesome, I don't really have another word to describe it.  It's awesome and I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity and that I didn't let never hold me back!  

So with this new year, I want to remember the encouragement and strength my dad gave me to make this big change and pass it on to others around me.  Life is always changing and nothing stays the same forever.  I can't think of any better way to honor my dad than to pass on his encouragement and wise wisdom.  Every day is a new day.  So this year I want to live every day…the good, the bad, and the ugly…and find the good in it all.  You know I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity