Pause button, I miss my dad.

Pause button, I miss my dad.


     My dad reminded me over and over that he'd rather live "One day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb".  And as time goes on I'm understanding that more and more but that doesn't take away the fact that I miss him!  I miss him everyday!  People say that time will make it better and I wonder if those people have dealt with death or if they're just trying to say something comforting.  I can't tell that time will make it better...I miss my dad.

     As time goes on I feel just as my dad, I know big surprise!  I'd rather live "One day as a lion than a thousand as a lamb".  I want to live fiercely, full of life and love!  That being said it's hard to do but I'm prepared for the challenge.  After all my dad trained me and prepared me to live life without him, just as I realize I'm doing with my boys.  I want them to be equipped to live life without me.  If I don't teach them how to live without me then, I'm failing them as their parent!  And I don't want to fail, I won't fail.  Therefore, I must walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk.  So being the parent is hard, it's even harder when I miss my dad.

     Some days I'm full of strength to face the day with a house full of boys but occasionally I'm doing good to get through the day.  I hate that feeling of just getting through the day, it feels like I've wasted that day.  For whatever reason I have this urge to make the most of everyday and not waste any part of life.  I can't tell if this feeling comes from watching my dad die or watching how fast my boys are growing up, maybe it's both.  I really need a pause button.  I need time to rest, plan, prepare, or as my dad would say, "Get your shit together!"

     So I miss my dad!  I want to call him everyday, numerous times throughout the day.  I think he'll be driving up anytime and I keep thinking did he really die or is this all been a bad dream?  I miss my dad!  Then I think about how blessed I've been with this amazing dad and realize that I've got to teach the boys just like he told me to and you know ...KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Never Say Never

Never Say Never...

 My dad used to say this all the time.  I've had some big life changes in the last few years and I'm reminded of this saying.  It speaks so much truth on many levels.  Never Say Never.  I never thought I'd be doing the things I'm doing these days but I'm so thankful that I am.  Life is funny and sometimes karma is a bitch, my dad said those as well!  So I'm telling you my life is funny and well, karma I don't really care much for her.

So here's a little about what I've been up to lately. I've been helping hubby feed cattle since he's the one with a what I like to call "real job".  You know the kind that requires working for a corporation and following rules, something I've been fortunate enough not to have to do.  I've always worked for myself or small businesses.  So back to me helping hubby…even though we've been married almost 18 years I'm still new to understanding the farming operation.  Every night I usually get my marching orders from hubby and I have to write it all out in detail which place has how many cattle and what kind of hay they get from what hay patch.  I'm super thankful for technology because I usually call hubby at least once during the day with a question about something!  

So this particular day was cold and I'd been breaking ice so the cattle could have water and I was down to my last stop.  I wrote down most of the directions the night before but I left out a little detail.  And let's just say that little details on the farm are BIG!  If you miss a little detail on the farm, then animals can die, money can be lost, and lots more work can be made for everyone.  So I was suppose to put one of these round bales in the lot for the cattle but it had to be a rye bale.  Hubby said he put a few bales out in front of the lot to make it easy for me but then when I went to put the big hay bale in the lot…I couldn't remember which one to get!  So I call hubby and he's describing which bale by color and texture…seriously, I thought hay was hay!  It's all big round bales of hay!  So I quickly got a little talk about how hay is not hay and what some of the reasons are why you feed certain hay and when.  I really couldn't figure out which hay so I took a picture and sent it to him and then he directed me from there.  Once again I'm very thankful for technology!  So I got the right hay where it needed to go.  Mission accomplished for that day and I couldn't help but think about just how far I've come!

Never Say Never!  I never thought I'd be helping on the farm and loving it!  I would've never had the courage to close my successful salon to stay at home and help my hubby on the farm if it hadn't been for my dad!  He really pushed me to make this life change and without his insight I think about all that I'd be missing.  I've already missed out on so much with my hubby and the big boys but I'm not going to miss anymore!  There is something about the farm that is just awesome, I don't really have another word to describe it.  It's awesome and I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity and that I didn't let never hold me back!  

So with this new year, I want to remember the encouragement and strength my dad gave me to make this big change and pass it on to others around me.  Life is always changing and nothing stays the same forever.  I can't think of any better way to honor my dad than to pass on his encouragement and wise wisdom.  Every day is a new day.  So this year I want to live every day…the good, the bad, and the ugly…and find the good in it all.  You know I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Y2K to 2014

Y2K to 2014

I remember Y2K like it was yesterday.  It wasn't that long ago but much has happened.  Gary & I had been married for about 4 years and we were expecting our first child living in the sweetest little house.  Wow do I miss that house!  We still own it and it was my salon for about 10 years and now it's a rental.  I never thought that I'd miss living in that house but let me explain, it had an amazing feel!  You know the kind of sweetness that comes from things past.  I didn't really appreciate it while living there but I'm thankful that I got to work there for about 10 years.  This is just a little bit of what I think about when I think about Y2K.  I remember living in that sweet place.  I remember how my dad would tell me to enjoy it there and that someday I would miss it!  He was/ is always right!  I remember how the whole computer world was going to crash and the world was coming to an end, so my idea of preparing was to stock up on tampons, pads, ziploc bags, and salt.  What a combination!  I thought if things get really bad in the world I could swap stuff for tampons because women were not going to go back to using rags, not sure why I thought ziploc bags were important and salt, well it has lots of uses.  Life was pretty easy when we lived in that sweet place! 

Now as 2013 is coming to an end for some reason I have thought about Y2K and all that has happened in my life over the last 13 years, as well as our world.  The first thing I think about is that I never in a million years thought that my dad would have died by now…after all he's 10 feet tall and bulletproof! (Read previous post 10 Feet Tall & Bulletproof.)  I didn't think that I'd have 4 boys, live on the farm, quit my job and be loving this life.  I didn't think I'd have to watch my mom's heart break slowly from watching my dad die and then see her broken hearted, yet still pushing forward while she keeps on keepin' on.  I didn't think I'd have to watch my granny feel lost after her first born died.  I'm pretty sure that no matter what age, when a parent loses a child they're never the same!  I didn't think I could love like I love my husband, it's totally amazing!  I didn't think I could love being just a stay at home mom…the best job ever!  These are just a few of the things that I never expected about my life.

What about all the things that have happened in the world…wow there's way too much to mention!  However, the one thing I think about is our technology.  I've explained to my boys how back in the day we didn't have cell phones and when we did it was a big bag phone and the Internet was S L O W… to say the least!  I'm in awe of how much technology has changed our world as I'm typing on my mac book and post this writing to the Internet for the world to read.  I wonder where the technology will be in another 13 years!

So Y2K to 2013 has brought many blessings and few heartaches to which I'm thankful for all of it.  I hope to learn from all of life and embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly.  After all we only get one trip around this great big world, so I'm gonna do my best to make it count!  You know I'm going to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Survival Mode to Living Life

Survival Mode to Living Life

Sometimes, out of nowhere, the wind gets knocked out of you.  That pretty much sums up my November!  There wasn't any one thing in particular but the whole month was just rough.  I miss my dad!  I did just like he told me to do, I got up everyday and gave my best to my boys.  Anything past that was just pure survival mode and I hate that.  It feels like I've been asleep and missed out on life and  I don't like that feeling one bit.  So for December I'm getting back on track.  For whatever reason the holidays this year are rough.  I miss my dad!  

Everyday I miss him and everyday I pick up my phone to call him and every time I see a Jeep I think it's him and everyday I wake up and have to think, did my dad really die?  Everyday my boys talk about their Papa and everyday I say something that reminds me of my dad.  I miss him!  I didn't realize how much this would hurt.  I also didn't realize that I could be this strong and do like my dad told me to do and that makes me smile in amongst the hurt.  

I think I've had my time to be in survival mode and now it's time to get back to living life.  I have this urge to learn and do as much as possible, to teach my boys so many life lessons that it's as if I want to keep myself so busy that I don't feel the pain of missing my dad.  Whatever the reason I'm going to enjoy this phase and do as much as possible.  I will do more than just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

She LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY...

She LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY...

Went to a funeral the other day and it's odd how much just going to another one brings back memories from my dad's.  You know the awkward silence and not knowing what to say because it doesn't really matter what you say, the pain is raw.  I've never felt pain like I felt when my dad died.  It fades but it's always there and you will never be the same.  Life goes on and you must live life but sometimes it's easier said than done.  I think that's why my dad kept telling me to "Just keep livin' kid, just live life!"  

As I sat on the pew, surrounded by extended family, I listened to the preacher talk about how this woman was the glue that held the family together.  It gave me chills only because it speaks truth in many ways.  Have you ever noticed how things change when someone dies?  It's like that person kept everyone on even keel and now a new normal must be found.  A new normal, seriously whatever is normal!  Things will never be normal again.  I didn't know or understand how hard it is when someone dies and sometimes I still don't.  Everyone's situation is different and unique and no one could possibly begin to understand another's.  However this can be said about all aspects of life.  No one can feel your joy, excitement, anticipation, happiness.  When I stop and think about that I'm in awe!  It's amazing that we all get to have our own life experiences and how we handle them and walk through this journey of life is all how we want to do it.  You can choose to find the worst in your situation because  I'm sure there are others that have it way worse or you can choose to find the good in the worst of situations and really LIVE LIFE!  

My dad always used to say that you've got to go through tough times to be able to appreciate the good times.  I never really stopped to appreciate things before my dad died but now I do.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow so I'm trying to make the best of everyday, no matter what the day brings.  We only get to go around this world once and I want it to be said at my funeral that she LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY!  It's funny how my dad is still teaching me life lessons and he's not physically here doing it.  I'm super thankful for the amazing parents that God blessed me with and hope that I can be like them.  And you know….I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Do Not Let Fear Rule You...

It's been a rough few days...my youngest has been sick as well as my oldest.  Nothing serious but enough to make a call to the doc.  So let me explain why it's so rough on this momma.  I feel like I'm a first time parent with my 4th child!  I know that makes no sense so let me explain...my dad always helped me with the boys from the very beginning.  So at times when I'd be on the verge of freaking out, dad would always be there to bring me comfort and keep me grounded.  This week has pushed me and tested me but I'm stronger for it...but I still miss my dad!  Hubby did awesome this week, not only dealing with the sick kiddos but dealing with this momma (that may have been just a little on the emotional side!).  So thankful for him! 

This is just one of the many stories my dad used to tell about my parenting...he'd belly laugh every time he told it!  My oldest was about 2 and he fell off the dining room chair and hit his head on the baseboard.  I immediately picked him up to cuddle him and realized that blood is gushing from his head. You must know that my interpretation is overdramatic as my dad would say.  Now being a first time momma, I didn't know that heads bleed easily!  So I begin to panic and I put a dishtowel on his forehead and picked up my phone to call my dad.  I often wonder if the convenience of cell phones has made us less apt to take care of things on our own.  By the time I talk to my dad on the phone, I'm crying!  Yes, I know it's silly but that's where I was at that time.  I've come a long way!  So I'm talking to dad on the phone and by this time Garrin has stopped crying but I insist that he needs to go to the ER.  My dad said,"Whoa, kid!  No ER!  He's fine.  Let's clean it and put some super glue on it."  I can't begin to explain my response...seriously you want to put super glue on my baby!?!  Oh I don't think so!  Now let me stop at this point to say that I keep lots of super glue on hand with 4 boys!  It's way better than a band aid.  This is where my dad would laugh that deep belly laugh as only he could do.  So needless to say, we didn't go to the ER.  But we did go to the dr. office and the dr. trying to keep me happy said he could put a few stitches in.  Dad tried to tell me no but I wouldn't listen.  My baby was going to get his little head sewed up.  Now by this time I had just put a band aid on it and he was back to being a 2 year old boy.  I can still remember the pit in my stomach and all my nerves on edge.  So this is where it gets really good...we go back to get the stitches and I'm doing pretty good until it comes time to hold him down.  Well hello, I'm about to loose it all together.  I got that hot cold feeling and felt like I was going to pass out.  I went to the bathroom and cried and cried while I left my dad to hold him down while the doc put in about 3 stitches.  Yes that's right 3!  So after I regain my composure and we leave the dr. office my dad gave me a piece of his mind.  I got a good talking to if you know what I mean.    My dad had a way of getting through to me and we could hash things out and all would be well in the end.  So I listened to him and cried a little more, then I dried it up and realized he was right.

Now that's not the best part of this story...
Sometime during the night my sweet little boy pulled out his stitches!  Yes that's right he pulled them out without crying or fussing.  So guess what?  I put super glue on that sweet little boy and all was well!  And then it all became clear, all the things my dad was teaching me.  It's funny because it's all becoming clear now too!  I guess life is funny that way.  I can still hear my dad telling me that during times of crisis, no matter how big or small or how long it lasts, that you've got to keep it together and be able to make good decisions and absolutely DO NOT LET FEAR RULE YOU!  If you let fear in, it will take hold and rule you.  So no matter how hard the situation is you must stay strong and after it's all over with you can lose it then!  You can cry, scream, punch on the bag, have a drink or two, whatever but you do it after the fact and never during!  Good thing I learned those lessons with little things because I had the strength to handle the end with my dad without fear.  But here I am, a year and a half later and I still find myself having times of crying, screaming, punching the bag, and having a drink (not 2 because I'm a lightweight!) and I wonder if I'll find a new normal.  Oh well who wants to be normal anyway...how boring!  It's funny how I'm still learning from dad even though he's not here physically.  So you know I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

18 Years

18 Years...

I'm a mom of 4 boys, yes that's right all boys!  I love it and thankful to have this opportunity to be the best mom I can be but that's not where I'm going with this...I just keep thinking about something my dad told me numerous times about having boys.  He said,"Kid, you only have these boys for 18 years!  They will grow up and if you raise them right then they'll be independent (he really meant independent of me!) strong and strong willed."  He went on to say that it's my job to teach & train them to be productive citizens of society and that I've got until they're 18 years old to do it.  In his opinion by the time a young man is 18, which is old enough to fight and die for this country, then he's grown and better be able to do for himself.  He stressed how important this is and that I must work hard and enjoy these 18 years because they'll go by super fast.

Now that I officially have a teenager it's really hit me that my dad was right...once again!  I've only got 5 years left with my oldest and I still have so much work to do.  To say that panic mode has hit is an understatement!  I need and want to do so much with my boys and time is going way faster than I can keep up with.  I've recently realized that after they graduate high school my 18 years with them is up.  They'll go off to college, as they should!  They'll date, make mistakes, try to find themselves, figure out what they want to do with their life, get married, have kids...live life...as they should!  I just used typical examples here, I know there are many other possibilities!  After I've had the blessing of raising them for 18 years I can only hope that they'll allow me to be apart of their lives.  Sometimes I'm so hard on them now that I'm thinking I'll never see them after they leave home because they'll be in therapy for their terrible childhood!  Oh well, all I can say is that I did the best I could, at that time, with the knowledge I had and that I loved them with all my soul!  So if they need therapy for all of that, so be it.  

I pray and hope that they'll bless me with the opportunity to be a part of their lives after my 18 years is up but if not then I will be thankful for the 18 years I had!  So I've got lots to do and very little time to do it in but I'm going to enjoy this crazy ride because it all goes by way too fast not to!  I will teach them to be independent of me and only pray that I will get to watch what amazing young men they will grow to be.  I remember my dad telling me many many times that this parenting gig ain't easy or for the weak and I'm a firm believer that he was right!  Parenting ain't easy...it's the hardest job I've ever had but the most rewarding and best job I've ever had!  Thanks dad for preparing me from the get go to go on without you...somedays are better than others but that's what makes the ride great.  I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity