Making The Best Of It!

Making The Best Of It!


I saw this the other day on Instagram and had to screen shot it!  "The secret of happiness and peace is letting every situation be what it is, instead of what you think it should be, and making the best of it." -Marcandangel

I read it and then read it again and it just struck a chord with me.  Everyone has to find their own happiness and peace, it's something that no one can do for you!

I've been in a funk the last few weeks and it's kinda taken me back to when my dad first died and I was just going through the motions.  I remember thinking that I was vertical and so I was doing ok but I was in such a fog.  I can't remember details about the next year after he died and now it makes me crazy!  How could I not remember things about the boys???  How could I not remember???  Then I start feeling like the worst mom ever because I can't remember.  I feel like sometimes I lost several months of my life.  In a world where we (as moms) are suppose to be super mom the guilt can take over!  I don't understand why, we as a society, put that pressure on mommas...that's whole other post!  Any way, back to the guilt...I've decided that it's the devil working.  And I have a rule at my house...if the devil is working on you then we kick him out and for the little boys (and when the bigger boys were little!) we go to the door and kick in the air and tell the devil to leave and that he's not welcome here.  Say a prayer and then get moving!  Last week I had a kick the devil out party and it's refreshing!  So here's where I'm at and I'm learning to be ok and embrace it...

I'm a different person now than I was when my dad was alive.  I'm in the midst of raising 4 strong willed boys, my house is never clean and my laundry...well let's just say it's never even close to being done!  I'm a #farmgirlinthemaking and still learning and trying and doing on the farm, thankfully my husband is patient and a great teacher!  I'm a single momma 2 weeks at a time while my hubby is gone working in the oil industry.  I eat way too much chocolate but workout so it's a wash, right?! I'm  too tough on my boys and I'm not tough enough.  I try and I fail!  I still cut hair very part time. I have big plans and dreams but right now I'm all about my family and as my dad used to say, "Taking care of your own teepee"!  I'm political and observe my 2nd Amendment right!  I attempt to cook and sometimes we eat out too much.  I lose my patience too often and at times I let the devil try to steal the joy of all this chaos.  But thankfully little reminders pop up in places, like this picture, and then I realize hey this is where I'm at right now and it's ok!  After all nothing stays the same forever and as long as I KEEP ON KEEPIN ON then this crazy life is bound to be good overall!

Hard Times, Good Times

Hard Times, Good Times

Spring Break brings about a flood of emotions that just takes my breath away.  It all comes back and at times it feels like I'm living it all over again and other times it seems so long ago that I can't even really recall.  Memories are awesome and heartbreaking at the same time.  And as my dad used to say, "You've got to have the hard times to appreciate the good times because if life is always good then you'd never know just how good it really is if you don't have some hard times along the way!"  This always makes me think of the verse Ecclesiastes 3...for everything there is a season.

It was 4 years ago that my older boys said goodbye to my dad, their Papa for the last time in this life, and they didn't even know it at the time!  And that's just the way my dad wanted it...no big fuss!  He often said, "No fuss, no muss!"  He knew it was coming, his time to transition to the next life, and he didn't want everyone around crying and he certainly didn't want any pity!  So Garrin and Ryler stayed with Oma and Papa for a few days over spring break and when they said good bye and love ya when they came home, they had no idea that was the last time they'd see him.  At times I wondered if we should have let them come see Papa but that wasn't what he wanted!  And I can honestly say that we (me and my mom) did exactly how he wanted and didn't stray.  As hard as it was, we did just what he wanted!  

The Monday after spring break is when my journey of helping my dad die the way he wanted began.  I will never forget this moment and it still hits me hard.  I went to see my parents on Monday after I dropped off Garrin and Ryler at school.  I had Trevin and Gentry in tow and thought we'd just go see Papa.  When I got there, I began to realize that it was serious.  But, not until my dad sat there and said these words, "Be here when you can and other than that just keep on living, just keep on living kid!"  I had just told my dad that his eyes were yellow and he said, "I know, this is it!"  I asked what do you want me to do and that's when he responded with the best gift he could have ever given!  When I've been down and felt like I couldn't keep on, I remember those words...JUST KEEP LIVING!  That's the absolute best last gift he could have given us!  I only pray that I can have that kind of strength when my time comes!

Spring break till school is out is a crazy busy time and I'm thankful it is because it's hard.  I mean hard like nothing can fix, hard!  The memories come back, then the happy thoughts and then the angry thoughts of why?  And of course the tears...lots and lots of tears at the most random of times!  I've heard it gets easier with time and there is some truth to that but I wouldn't exactly say that's true.  To say that I miss him is an understatement!  The huge hole he has left in our family is felt everyday! The pain is like none other!  But the great times in the past and the great times to come will make good times outweigh the hard times...so you know I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

The Now

THE NOW

The other day someone said they hadn't heard that my dad had passed away and they were sorry to hear about that...it hit me that we only really have this moment right now to make a mark!  I mean really think about it...we aren't guaranteed tomorrow and people come in and out of our lives so we only really have this moment...THE NOW!

My dad used to say, "Stick your hand in a bucket of water, now pull it out.  How big of a hole is left? That's how much people will remember you when you're gone!"  He would tell me this when I had overcommitted myself to way too many things, at the time I'd laugh.  He would tell me this when he was trying to tell me to live in THE NOW!  He would often tell me not to wait...use the good dishes, burn the fancy candles, stay up late, get up early, enjoy the toys strung all over your house...because we are not guaranteed today!  He stressed how important it is to live in this moment (what I refer to as THE NOW!) and not wait to enjoy life.  Sometimes that means finding the joy in the not so joyous!  He told me time and time again that even the worst of times I would look back on and long for some part of them again.  Well of course he was right...how many times have I looked back at those last few weeks with my dad and wish for them back.  Why?  I have no idea why I would ever want to go back to those unbearable days.  Maybe it's the thought of actually seeing and hearing my dad, and getting the best hug ever.  I'm not sure why I long for those days occasionally but I do and then I'm reminded of THE NOW!  

I can't remember what birthday it was (late 20's) but my mom and dad had been to OKC that day, I think to get this certain kind of coffee they made using a french press.  They were always ahead of the times trying different things.  My birthday was a few days away and my dad came in the door of my salon with this box.  My mom came in behind him and said, "Aren't you going to wait till her birthday?"  He was grinning ear to ear and said (in only a way that he could say), "Why, hell no!  I want to give it to her today...I might not be here in a few days!"  I'd laugh and say, "Where are you going?"  He would say something like, "Oh you never know and you know I'm not gonna live forever kid!"  I'd just blow it off with yeah yeah.  I realize now that he was training me constantly to live life without him and preparing me for what we all must ultimately face, death!  Why didn't I understand then?  Oh well, life is all about learning, right?  So I got the (at the time new) digital picture frame...they had just come out and I'd been eyeing one but wouldn't spend the money!  I was so excited and happy.  Now that I have kids of my own I see why he didn't wait...Life is too short and not guaranteed!  My dad lived in THE NOW and I have countless stories to share with my boys from my childhood...which was amazing in my mind! 

Back to the bucket of water...my dad may not have left a hole that others notice but he left a big hole in our family...the bucket of water has been splashed around and now some of it is gone!  I see the importance of THE NOW because that's what will fill that bucket of water back up.  We will all face death but how we live in THE NOW is what makes this life matter to those around us!  So here's to THE NOW!  And of course Keep On Keepin On! 

Trinity

Little Ones Can Teach Us...If We Will Just Listen!

This boy...he says things that make you smile and take the wind out of your sail and everything in between.  He's the youngest of 4 boys, so you can imagine having 3 older brothers makes him one tough boy.  I know my dad would be proud of him...

He was just 7 months old when my dad died, yet he talks about Papa all the time.  It's like he knew him and he doesn't want to forget him.  But it's what he said the other day that made my heart skip a beat and hard to breathe...I wanted to break down and cry, not just a few tears rolling down my face but the ugly snot running cry.  

We were driving to town, we spend a lot of time in the car taking his brothers to and from their activities, and he was talking like he usually does.  When he says, "Did you know that Papa is an angel?"  I said, "Yes, why is he an angel?"  Gentry didn't hesitate with his response, "Because he's in Heaven with Jesus!"  And that's when I wanted to lose it and let the ugly cry out but I didn't.  I didn't want him to think it upset me to talk about Papa.  I let the tears roll down my cheek and put a smile on my face and said, "You're absolutely right, Gentry!"  My heart was full and empty at the same time...full of love and pride from what this sweet innocent little boy already knew and how he reminded me of what's really important in this life and empty in the fact that Papa isn't here to be with him like he was his older brothers and how he's not here to wrestle him, love him, teach him all the important things and how he's not here to push me to be a better parent or guide me in the right direction or just give me that extra hug and the push when he'd say, "Now go and give 'em Hell, kid!"

So I just started telling Gentry all about how much his Papa loved him and how proud of him he is and I just let the tears roll gently down my face.  I then began explaining that sometimes girls cry when they're upset, happy, mad, or overwhelmed...afterall just because he lives in a house dominated by male testosterone doesn't mean he can't be compassionate and understanding of women and their feelings...my dad was the tough guy that was compassionate!  Then I couldn't help but laugh out loud when Gentry said, "I know girls cry for all kinds of things, that's what they do at school."  I just looked at him in awe of what he knows at the ripe old age of 4!  Sometimes it's good to stop and listen to the little kids, they have a thing or two figured out about this life!

Later that night, I cried the ugly cry in the shower...that seems to be my only time I can let it all out.  I cried because I miss my dad!  I cried because I hate it that my boys don't have their Papa!  I cried because my mom doesn't have her Honey (that's what they called each other!)  Their love was like none I've seen before (that's a whole story in itself...I'm hoping my mom is writing it, she's amazing with words!)  I cried because my Granny is without her firstborn!  I don't care how old you get I think it would be terrible to watch your child die, it's not the natural order of life.  I just cried!  You just don't know how much of an effect you have on others until you're gone and the pain is absolutely indescribable ...but with grace you get through it and manage to keep on living.  After all isn't that what it's all about?  Loving hard, living life, enjoying the good and dealing with the bad...so I will KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!!! 

VOTE!!!

VOTE!!!

It's election time again...I love having the privilege to vote!  I will never understand those that don't exercise their right to vote...many men and women have died for us to have that right and I don't feel we should take it lightly!  With that being said, it's times like this when I really miss my dad even more than usual...he was great a talking politics and candidates and always making me think!  We would usually talk quite a bit about the candidates and the happenings in the world.  He wasn't afraid to go against the grain and speak his opinion...loved that about him.  So as much as I love this time of year and this amazing privilege I have, it's bittersweet.  I miss my dad!  I miss my dad!  Did I mention that I miss my dad? 

Since he's not here to talk all this through I've been going over things in my mind...and here goes...

First of all, go vote!  I hope it's an educated vote!

Second, I don't even know where to begin on how things are in this great world we live in but I do know this...I want less government and more people to take action for their own lives!  I'm pretty much a live and let live kinda girl.  You take care of your business and I'll take care of mine, I'm sure it won't be done the same way but that's ok.  We all can't be the same!!!  That's right, we all can't be the same!  When did it become an acceptable thought process that we should all be, have, do the same???  Why should I pay more in taxes if I'm willing to work more, take more risks?  Why should all kids learn the same way and test the same way?  Why should my thoughts or your thoughts be the only right thoughts?  Why should my 2nd Amendment be taken away because guns scare you? Why should I have to take a drug test to get paid for a job and those that don't have a job but are getting money (tax dollars) don't have to take a drug test?  And why can't we disagree?  You know the saying, "Agree to disagree"!  Isn't that what makes America great?  Diversity! 

I highly suggest watching the movie, The Giver!  And Idiocracy!  These will make you think!  And maybe outside the box!

I'll leave my politics at that...even though I have way more thoughts!  My main point is to VOTE!!!  Educate yourself and think about how you want things to go in the future and VOTE!!!  If for no other reason, think about our current military serving over seas in other countries that have no rights to VOTE, so that we may have this awesome right to VOTE!!!  I heard my dad say many many times to people of opposing view points from him to VOTE!  

My last thought...THERE IS NOTHING FREE!!!  When people say I got free tuition or free food or whatever it is free...it's not free!  Someone somewhere has paid for it!  The government is funded by the people's tax dollars...and just look at your pay stub to see how much the government takes!  As my dad used to say, "Ain't nothin free!"