Embrace...

Ryler, Papa, & Garrin

Instincts, gut feeling, knowing what to do in any given situation are just a few qualities that my dad had.  Now I'm not saying that he did everything thing perfect but what I am saying is that he had strong convictions and didn't stray from them.  I took this picture when we went to Oklahoma City, I finally talked dad into getting a macbook and iPhone.  It was a year after his heart attack and I knew deep down that he wasn't going to make a full recovery but was in complete denial!  Dad was pretty conservative with money but when he decides to do something, he does it.  So to OKC we went.

     I've written about how dad & I used to go to acupuncture in OKC and we always had places that'd we stop to eat.  One place was The Charcoal Oven.  If the weather was nice then we'd sit on the grass with a blanket, never at the tables that were there.  Dad always sat on the floor, he said sitting on the floor keeps you young!  I think I'm starting to understand that.  On this particular day I remember thinking we can eat in the car or at the tables, he wasn't getting around all that great.  But no, dad wouldn't hear of it!  He insisted that we get the blanket and have a picnic.  I watched him and thought it'd be so much easier if we just ate in the car or at the tables, why are you making things harder?  Then as we, mom, dad, Garrin, Ryler, Trevin, & myself sat on the blanket I began to understand.  I watched the boys lean on Papa and them interact with each other in ways only possible when sitting on a blanket having a meal together.  I remember having to fight back the tears because I got it!  Yes it would've been easier to sit in the car or at the tables but then he would've missed all the hugs and up close laughter...now which is more important?  Taking the easy route or really embracing the now even if it's a little harder.  I totally opt for the embracing the now even if it's a little harder.  After all I am my father's daughter!

     I observed this time and time again and I'm so thankful that I got it!  Now six months after dad's death and I'm still learning.  I know this year of firsts without him here will be brutal, the days seem to be getting harder not easier.  The weather is changing, life IS going on without him.  It seems wrong even though I know it's not.  He told me time and time again that life goes on, that people are born and people die everyday and that it's all part of this great big process called life.  He explained to me the seasons of life and after his heart attack he said he was in late fall of his life and felt winter coming.  He told me that I was in early summer and to enjoy it because you only get to go through the seasons once!  Spring was birth and childhood, summer was adult child bearing years, fall was after kids are grown and gone, winter was old age and death.  He explained that each season has it's pros and cons but the goal was to enjoy and embrace the pros.  That's what my dad did and that's what I intend to do!

     So back to the instincts, I really miss my dad's calm instincts.  I feel like I'm a new mom for the first time.  My little one is teething and fussy and I realize I've never stayed home and taken care of my kiddos when they were sick.  My dad has always kept the kiddos while I went to work, even if they were sick.  He'd reassure me that they were fine just give them a couple of days, don't panic.  He's the one that has encouraged me to think outside the box when it comes to health and be an active participant in my own survival.  I'd call him at 2 in the morning because one had a fever and I couldn't get it down and he'd talk me through getting them a cool bath, rubbing alcohol on their backs, giving them ice, etc and I'd say I'm going to cancel my appointments for the day and he'd say no I'll be there, you go on to work because I've got it covered.  So now here I am with my little guy and questioning if I'm doing the right things just wishing I could talk to my dad!  I asked hubby why he thought dad had such calming instincts, he said probably from all his life experiences.  And then we talked about how you'd have to learn to be calm through all kinds of situations during war and that's probably where dad got some of his.  I can't help but think that being the oldest of four kids made a difference in his calm attitude.  I miss him and the feeling as if all is ok when he was here.  I really never knew that my body could hurt like this...I miss him!  I'm trying to push through but know that he wouldn't want us to push through...he'd want us to embrace life's journey!  So embrace is what I'm shooting for and I will EMBRACE THE JOURNEY!

Trinity

School...

A New Chapter...Homeschooling!

Garrin 6th grade & Ryler 4th grade

The year of 2012 will go down in my book as a year of many changes and the year that I realize just how strong I really am.  With the loss of my dad in May, we decided to homeschool this year for numerous reasons.  I guess I thought if things are going to be different, then why not just make them really different and change things up!  I know with this post that I'll step on somebody's toes but please understand that I'm just trying to do what's best for my children and my family!  With that being said my dad always wanted me to homeschool, always.  He had many reasons for his feelings and I share some, not all of the same reasons.  So with this new adventure, I'm learning just as much as my boys only in many different ways.  I am sure of this, no matter what venue of education you choose there are pros and cons to all.  Trust me, I've been at public school, private christian school, and now homeschool!  I'm just hoping their therapy bills won't be too high when they grow up.  I know I've made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes in my parenting but it won't be because I didn't love them and want to best for them and do the best that I could do for them.

With the loss of my dad, the boys seemed to be a little lost as well.  I felt their pain and wanted nothing more than to make it all better for them.  I know you can't but that doesn't mean that I don't want to.  It's hard enough to grieve the loss of my own father without having to watch my boys mourn the loss of their Papa.  My dad spent almost as much time with the boys as Gary and I did.  He was their main childcare provider until after his heart attack 3 years ago.  I'm thankful for these past 3 years for many reasons even though he was in a tremendous amount of pain.  I believe having this time really helped all of us adjust to him leaving this world, but that doesn't mean that it's easier!  After about a month or so without dad here, the boys and I were still having a hard time.  They're at the age that they can't really show their emotions in public (at school, around their friends, etc) and I really felt that they needed to be able to deal with this as it comes.  I didn't want them to feel like they couldn't express themselves or have the time to walk through this grief.  So Gary and I decided to homeschool.  After all I've always wanted to try it and my dad absolutely wanted me to do it.  So that's how this change began.

I'm a stronger person for all that's happened this last year and I continue to grow.  I really miss my dad here cheering me on in whatever I was doing but also telling me to pull my head out.  He had such a way with words and getting his point across in ways that you'd never forget.  For that I'm thankful!  I'm passionate about my children and their education, thanks to my parents for teaching me this.  I want my boys to grow up to be productive citizens of society (with or without me around), to be independent thinkers, to love to figure things out on their own, hardworking, passionate, walking in their faith, strong and strong willed (yes I'm aware I'll question this trait later!), political, and willing to go after what they want!  With looking at the end picture (meaning by the time they graduate highschool or college) I think about what it'll take to get there.  Yes it'll take a lot of hard work on our part, as well as lots of prayer and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

I have 4 awesome boys with different personalities to try and navigate through these years to make sure they get the best education for them.  I realize after being at public school, that society tends to push everyone through the same square hole, no matter what their strengths or weaknesses.  I have a problem with that, we are not all the same!  And nor should we want to be.  I also realize after being at the private christian school, that I have 4 boys to think about their future education (college).  Should I put money into their childhood education and not their college or vice versa.  Now with homeschooling I realize there are just a few things missing socially.  I love the flexibility with homeschool and being able to teach them life lessons along the way.  I also love, love, love having them with me all the time.  I know that sounds weird but they're so much fun and full of life and I know it's going by all too fast, I want to embrace all of it.  So with this very brief summary, I'm left to figure this out with Gary and we will and we will do what we think is best for each of our children.  But I sure miss my dad listening to me rant about the same things for days and days and pointing out things in a very different perspective, sometimes in a light that's not pleasing to me!

  I'm thankful that I have options and that I live in a country that allows me these freedoms.  I'm thankful for those who fight for me to have these freedoms.  I'm thankful for the awesome parents that I've been given and the lessons they've taught me.  So life goes on and we will KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  And I'm reminded of my dad telling me so often, "Give 'em hell kid!"

Trinity

The hardest part...

My dad's old am radio.

     As I tried to watch the presidential debate last night, I realize just how much I miss my dad.  He's taught me from an early age to pay attention to our government and politics.  I don't know if it's because he served in the navy during the Vietnam War or because he was an independent thinker or many reasons combined together but he's taught me to pay attention!  I miss talking with him all the things of the world and I know we'd have lots to cuss and discuss during this election.  He had a way of really making me think about things and to look at things through different perspectives, other than my own opinions.

     This is his am radio and he's had a few of these that I can remember.  I was junior high age and dad would have his am radio on in the garage or anytime he was driving.  Now for those of you that don't know about am radio, it's full of static (at least it was back then)!  Now that noise brings me much comfort and I long for those good old days of having to listen to the what seemed like the most boring radio ever.  Fast forward to today and I'm still listening to talk radio!  This is something that makes me feel close to my dad even though he's not physically here.  I usually called my parents in the morning after I'd drop off the kiddos at school.  If dad was driving when I called then you could hear the talk radio on the background and it was always what I was listening to as well.  We'd immediately start talking about whatever subject they were discussing, I miss those conversations so much.  I miss that time we'd share cussing and discussing, we didn't always agree!  I also miss him pushing me to think outside the box and through many different perspectives.  Dad wouldn't miss a chance to make me think.  So this reminds me of the many things he told me during his last month before he moved to his next journey.

     It was about four weeks before dad died and one particular conversation stands out.  We were sitting in the kitchen at my parents house and dad had just gotten out of the shower.  He was feeling really good for the most part and our conversation was just awesome!  I remember thinking that I can't cry, dad didn't want any crying going on, so I stayed strong through it all and didn't let a tear loose.  During that conversation dad told me that this (what was happening at that time, his dying) was the easy part and that the hard part would come later.  I remember thinking I don't hardly think so because nothing could be as hard as watching my hero die.  Nothing!  Well, once again my dad was right.  I don't know why that's surprising to me, he's always been right (at least in my eyes)!  So here we are almost six months later and what he instructed me to do is way harder.  I don't know if it's harder because he's not here to talk me through and encourage me or if it's really harder.  Either way I'm working through and I'll KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  So here's what he said in a recap..."Trin, you've got to get up every morning cook those boys breakfast and give your best.  You've got to keep reading and stay educated.  You've got to think about what's best for your family and keep the boys lined out.  You've got to teach them to cook, shoot, think, to love to read, to grow and push themselves.  You can't let your weakness show and you've got to stay strong.  I've taught you all you need to do these things and you'll be awesome.  There comes a time when it's time for the mentor to go so the mentee can shine.  You've got to take care of Gary because he needs you to show him how to think outside the box.  I'll be with you and you've got to give 115% everyday and constantly be thinking three steps ahead."  During this conversation my gut twisted and I thought I was going to throw up because I've never thought about life without my dad here but I didn't shed a tear because I had to make him proud!  I couldn't disappoint him at this stage of the game.

     Let me just say that he was right and this is hard!  Life is hard without him.  I want to call him to talk to him, I pick up my phone throughout the day ready to call him only to realize I can't.  After my many talks with Gary, he's been amazing through all of this, I realize that many people don't have this kind of relationship with their parents.  I can't imagine!  Now is the time I get to call my mom and we have a relationship like I never knew we could have, and it's awesome.  I'm thankful for my mom and for my dad and for all the wonderful life lessons they've taught and continue to teach me.  I hope to parent my boys like they've done me, no matter how hard it may be!  Afterall my dad would say, "I'd rather live one day like a lion than a thousand like a lamb."  This is bringing on many new meanings to me and I believe I feel the same, imagine that!

     So with this election coming up I will exercise my right to vote, listen to my conservative talk radio, try to look at things through different perspectives, and of course think of my dad!

Trinity

Post hospital...continued.

     From July to October 2009 seemed to drag on in one sense and in another well it's just a blur.  My boys were 9, 6, and 1 at the time and our lives were super busy.  Gary & I both worked crazy long hours because my dad had always been there to take care of the boys.  Now the roles reversed overnight and I couldn't wrap my mind around it, so I just kept as busy as ever.  I wish I'd taken the time to think about my mom and her feelings during this time.  Once again I was super consumed with myself and how this life changing event affected me.  I didn't think about how my mom's world had been rocked upside down or how my boys felt now that Papa couldn't keep them or wrestle with them. All I could think about was that my dad wasn't the same and these life changing events weren't really happening to me!  This couldn't possibly be happening to me.  Wow, how selfish can a girl be?  I'd like to think that I'm not selfish but during this time in my life I was very selfish!

     In three months time, I could see that my dad was not getting better.  However, I refused to believe what the doctors told him.  Remember my dad is ten feet tall and bullet proof!  Now looking back I can see his body changing, slowly dying.  He did everything the doctors told him to do and took all the meds they prescribed.  After he'd gone to his check up appointment I could really see a big change.  His skin was almost grey and his teeth were transparent, his breath was short and at times labored, he was not himself.  It was almost like the shell of him was here but who he was had already died.  He was quiet and nothing much sparked his interest.  I just kept telling myself that you can't have your chest cut open, doctors pull out your heart, cut on it, attempt to fix it, cram it all back in, wire your breast bone shut and be the same person you were before that life changing surgery.  I mean it's not like operating on a broken bone, it's your heart.  The whole of who you really are and center of being.  Well after the disappointing news from the doctor, my dad decided to do things his way.  And why not?  He did things his way his whole life and I can't imagine changing gears at this point in the ballgame.  He slowly weaned himself off all the prescription meds and continued his natural health care route.  He'd always gone the natural route and took vitamins and herbs, so this was nothing new for me.  I'm actually a firm believer in the natural holistic medicine routine.  It took him several months to wean off the long list of meds with the help of his naturopath.  Once he stopped taking some of the meds his skin began to turn back to a pinkish color and his teeth looked normal again.  I began to see my dad coming back instead of feeling like he was sinking farther away.  I remember my mom crying during this time and saying that he'd just sit and stare for hours and that he couldn't lay down to sleep.  Once again I didn't really take the time to listen to her or comfort her, and I'm very sorry that I couldn't see past my own feelings.

     I've got to say that my mom is the most amazing woman ever!  I've often thought over these last few months how much she's given of herself and never asks for anything in return.  These last three years she's been right there for dad, not to mention helping heal him from his oilfield accident 30 years ago.  Her strength, love, and compassion are just a few things I hope I get from her.  She's super tender sweet yet tough as nails if you mess with her family, kids or grandkids and I don't even recognize her.  I should've been there for her more during these last 3 years, but you can bet that I'll be there for her now.  My dad told me to take care of Honey (aka my mom) because she's been super strong through all this and that she'd need me.  Funny thing, she's still taking care of me.  I feel like a little girl that wants her momma and I want her close by all the time.  I'm probably smothering her but I just need her close! It's a wonderful thing to have such an amazing mom and dad...for that I'm blessed and spoiled!

Trinity

TOOLS FOR LIFE...

My scissors & fav comb!

   
TOOLS FOR LIFE...

     These are my tools!  They fit my hands and I can use them with great ease and I enjoy what they can create.  I'm a hairstylist.  I went to hair school after 3 years of college and worked at a salon for 3 years after hair school then opened my own salon.  After 11 years I closed my salon and took a year and a half off.  Now I'm working very part time and loving it.  There's a brief history but more to the story!

     During college I changed my major just about every semester!  I couldn't really decide what I wanted to do.  After I got married and we moved back to our hometown, I knew my options were limited in western Oklahoma.  I knew I wasn't corporate minded, pretty sure I didn't want to work for someone else, and needed a way to be creative!  So this came to mind and after talking with the salon owner where I went to work after hair school, I took the plunge.  I was enrolled in college but hadn't even bought books because I didn't like it.  I had a part time job in a day spa.  I withdrew from college the last day that you could get your money back and gave my 2 weeks notice at my job.  I called hair school (Duncan Bros. in OKC) and put the $500 deposit on my only credit card.  I did all this without really talking it over with my husband of only a year!  Keep in mind this was back in the day when not every one had cell phones!  He was farming and couldn't get ahold of him, so I just made all these decisions.  When he came home late from working all day out in the weather, it was sowing wheat time, I told him what I had done.  Before he could say anything I said, "I withdrew from college today and gave my 2 weeks notice at work."  His response was "Oh?"  Now looking back I can only imagine what was really going through his head!  Then I said, "I going to hair school in OKC and it costs $5000.00 and if you don't like it we can get a divorce!"  He just looked at me and said "OK."  I thought well that went well.  He's been supportive of me and all my crazy ideas every since!  Sometimes I'm sure he's thinking oh my this girl is losing it, but he's still supportive!

     With all that being said, I want to say just how supportive my parents were!  They've always been there to encourage me in all my endeavors!  I grew up thinking that there wasn't anything that I couldn't do!  My dad was amazing in the way he made me feel as if I could conquer the world!  He taught me to never let anyone or anything get in my way and to go after whatever it is you want out of this life!  My parents always told me I could do anything in this world and that there's more than one way to get from point A to point B than a straight line.  Meaning to think outside the box and think for yourself!  My mom lived this philosophy and was and is an awesome role model and momma!   I loved growing up in that environment and hope to continue that with my 4 boys!  We start out living and being shaped by our parents and then we pass on what we've learned to the next generation.  I'm pretty sure I'm the luckiest girl ever to have had the most encouraging parents a kid could ever hope for and then marry a man that loves me and supports all my fun and crazy ideals about life.  That's plenty of reasons to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  and that's exactly what I'm doing!  So not only do I have the physical tools to carry on but the emotional tools as well!  I'm truly blessed!

Trinity

Hospital Stay, continued...

I'm sorry I realize I hadn't finished the hospital stay...so here goes!

     While in the waiting room, I remember the look on my mom's face as well as others that were there to comfort us.  It was pure shock and concern mixed with fear!  It seemed that all I could do was make jokes and try to make light of the situation.  So after what seemed like forever the receptionist came & got us for a phone call with a report on how his surgery was going.  I took it with my mom, husband, and sister by my side.  I can't remember what exactly they said but I remember thinking he can't die, not here and not now.  Not like this, he can't die in surgery or at the hospital!  That's absolutely not going to happen, I kept telling myself.  Well dad made it out of surgery with just a little difficulty.  They were only able to repair 4 instead of 5 bypasses.  The dr. said that the other one had grown it's own bypass and thought it was better to leave it alone.  It seemed like they kept him sedated until the next day when they took out the vent.  That was a super scary process and just when it seemed as if all was ok, they came and said it's very critical and don't know if he'll pull through.  I thought to myself, seriously now he's going to die, I don't think so!  He can't die now!  I know that life is precious and should never be taken for granted but I also know my dad didn't take life too seriously, because he always said that nobody gets out of this life alive.  Meaning we're all going to die someday and we can't take all our stuff with us when we go!  He told me on more than one occasion that you come into this world with nothing and you leave it with nothing!
     He managed to pull through and endure the rest of the hospital stay.  We stayed by his side and my mom never left!  She would barely go downstairs to eat.  I left after he was up and trying to get around and came home to work just a little.  I don't remember being able to focus on much at work or home.  We did take the boys up for 'boys night' on Thursday night to watch Burn Notice.  It was brutal to see them with my dad in the hospital.  Another example of how my dad would push through, I knew he didn't feel up to having 'boys night' but he wouldn't miss it for the world!  So he just made the best of it and tried to enjoy!  Then I realized my life would never be the same and I was trying to adjust and figure things out.  I felt like a little girl lost in a storm trying to find her way home!  I was like that for almost a year after my dad's heart attack.  Sometimes I still feel the same but now I can feel my dad's presence comforting and guiding me even though he's not physically here.  He suffered with so much pain over the last 3 years but I'm thankful for that time with him.  He was strong enough to endure the pain so that my mom, me, and my boys could prepare to go on without him.  I'm so very thankful for his strength and knowledge and most of all his love.  I heard over and over that many people could not endure what my dad was doing and that they'd just give up and die.  Once again most didn't understand him or his will and strength.
     Coming home from the hospital, mom and dad came to my house.  Many factors played into this, it's a whole other post!  The boys were relieved to have them home and at our house but I think they knew that it would never be the same again.  They're so smart, sometimes I wish I could see through their young eyes!  They stayed with us for a while, I can't remember how long.  Gary never questioned or said anything, once again his love and support was and still is amazing!!!  The next few months were a blur...it seems most of this is a blur.  I'm writing this 5 months after my dad has died and it still feels like a blur and bad dream that I'll wake up and realize that none of this happened!  I could only wish!  So mom and dad went for his 3 month check up and got the worst news...the bypass surgery didn't take and dad needed a heart transplant.  My mom couldn't even tell me this on the phone after their appointment and my dad just acted like he was going to take a different approach and that he'd prove them wrong!  I can only imagine their conversations over the next few days.  I was in complete denial!  Did I mention denial?  I've been in denial for quite some time.

     The rest of the story will have to wait and will probably take a few posts to get it.  Thanks for reading...

Trinity