Well this last week marks 3 months since my dad died and it just so happened to be a full moon. My dad always used to say things were either really good or really bad during a full moon. And you can ask my hubby, I'm either in a great mood or I'm a bear. This last week a big ugly momma bear showed up! I know we all have those days but this seemed to last and was really intense, to say the least! Now I'm back to the land of the living and so thankful to be here. So I'm on to a new project and I'll KEEP ON KEEPING ON because I can hear my dad loud and clear saying life goes on. Yes it does and sometimes it's hard, ok it's more than just hard, but everyday is a training day.
This last week I weaned my 4th baby and according to Gary, my last. I can't even go there with him at this time, I still want another baby and no not just to try for a girl, but because I love having a house full. I love having kiddos, being pregnant, nursing, and all the mess that goes along with it. So weaning my baby (almost 10 months) was different than the other 3, of course it was different because everything is different without my dad physically here. My friend pointed that out to me the other day when I was talking about how I didn't think I could do something because I always did that with my dad. She said, "Really, you did everything with your dad! You can't use that as an excuse!". Ouch, so true. So I did this certain something without my dad and it was hard but felt really good. (I'll write about this in another post!). But back to weaning my baby, my dad has been the one to wean the other three boys. He would tell me, "Whenever you're ready, you and Gary go away for the weekend and I'll take care of it!". So that's what we did and I'd come home to a big boy and not a baby. Easy as that. I never knew what all he did until now that he's gone! I never took him for granted and always showed my appreciation and love. Now when I talk about how much he did, that means many many things. My dad not only took care of my boys anytime I needed but he also spent a lot of time talking with me and helping me understand many things. His insight often gave me strength in many ways. We always talked about how my dad was "the voice of reason" meaning he could talk things through and show me how not to over react or make unnecessary mistakes. I can't begin to describe just how awesome my dad is, was. It's still hard to talk about him in the past tense!
Along with Gentry growing up, he's outgrown his baby bathtub and now takes a bath like a big boy. Wow, the baby bathtub needs to be put up. Notice I said put up and not gotten rid of, I get real panicky thinking this will be my last baby. So I just try not to think about it! Gentry is only 10 mos. old and all of a sudden his clothes are too small and he's wearing 12 mo. to 18 mo. clothes. Trevin is just four and a half and he's wearing size 5 and 6. What? Time is going by all too fast. Ryler is almost as tall as Garrin and Garrin is almost as tall as me! Garrin is wearing size 16 jeans and he's only 12! The interesting thing about having my children spread apart in age is that I can remember the older ones when they were babies like my youngest one. It seems like yesterday and the time has gone by all too fast. I don't want them to stop growing but I'd like a pause button, just so I can sit down and soak it all in. I love watching them grow and their personalities show. My dad always reminded me that no matter how hard it is to let them go, watching them (my kids) grow and spread their wings is an amazing experience not to be taken lightly. Another words, don't be so busy with the day to day business that you don't stop to watch them spread their wings and fly!
So this new project is cleansing my house. I mean really cleansing and purging. I've never been a great housekeeper and tend to keep things. However, with a house full of 4 growing boys I need function! I've always had help organizing or going through things from my mom and or my sister. They're awesome at helping me. But you know it's kinda like anything that you don't do for yourself, you tend not to keep it up or take it for granted. So I'm determined to do this with only the help from those that live under this roof, aka my kiddos and hubby! Why did I finally decide to get organized? Well I had this dream and this is one of the things I need to do. So here's my dream...
My dad and I came to my house, I'm not sure where we had been. Gary had the boys and I'm not really sure where they were. So dad and I walk in my house to find it completely ransacked. I mean everything was out of the cabinets, drawers, the beds were thrown and furniture turned over. I was freaking out to say the least. My dad was calm as usual and just said get your pictures and grab a few things because we've got to go. He said call Gary and have him meet us on the road and I'll call Honey (my mom) and tell her to meet us too. He kept telling me to hurry we didn't have much time. I couldn't understand. So I just grabbed my pics and camera and few things. It was so real, all my stuff was just strewn everywhere. He had urgency in his voice and I just wanted to understand. So we got in my car and I began to drive. I kept asking dad what was going on? His calmness made me feel as if everything was going to be ok. I'm driving and I don't know where we are going or why. I kept asking my dad what was happening and where we were going. He just kept telling me to calm down, everything's going to be all right, just trust me. The farther I drove, the more calm I became. Then I look over at my dad in the passenger's seat and he's dead. He just died in my car while I'm driving down the road. The last thing he said was everything's going to be ok. And all I can think is that my dad is gone, I'm driving and have no idea where I'm going as my family is following me. I just kept driving and didn't really know what to do. Then I wake up and ask myself did that really happen? I wake up everyday and have to lay there for a few minutes and think to myself, did my dad really die? Is he really gone? But the few nights I've had this dream I wake up thinking I know my dad has died but did this chain of events really happen? I can't describe it, it's really weird.
So this is what I've taken from this dream...Gary thinks this and helped me understand as well. Pretty much this dream means that I can't go back to the way things used to be! Actually saying that out loud is huge, I mean huge! The logical side of me knows that you can't go back to the way things used to be or even to yesterday, but sometimes when I'm in the moment of day to day life I think it'll last forever. So I want to enjoy each day that God gives and be thankful! Also this dream means that you can't take the stuff with you. My dad has always told me I have way too much stuff and that life gets way easy when you don't have stuff weighing you down. So therefore, I began the big purge and clean out at my house. I think it's a new chapter and it's time to put on my big girl panties and take care of business. So I'm learning just how to do that and I will KEEP ON KEEPING ON!
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