I know I've got to get back to how all this "change" began but this was too good not to write about right now. So just bear with me and enjoy the ride.
How we handle life situations, whether they be good or bad, really says a lot about our character and who we are. I didn't handle my dad having heart surgery so well, however I did handle his death better than expected. Now when I say I didn't handle it well I mean from the outside looking in I was doing just fine. Gary knew differently and loved me through that rough time just as he is doing now. I just need to say that I've got an amazing husband. He's my rock and takes great care of me and truly loves me. I hope everyone has that at least once in their lifetime because it's crazy awesome! Now when I say I handled my dad's death better than expected I mean I stayed strong through watching him die. I'm still getting up everyday even when I don't want to, after all I've got a few boys that need tending to. Seriously, I've done way better than I ever thought I would in this situation. I really think it's because my dad prepared me and trained me. We had many great conversations over his last weeks and he just kept reminding me to be strong and carry on. He told me over and over to stay calm and handle this situation and after it was all over he said that's when you can loose it and do whatever it is you need to do. He said that's when you can scream, cry, break things, go to Vegas, whatever it is you need to do to deal with the new life. Give yourself some time but then get back to what needs taking care of and keep living life. What great advice and I'm trying to follow it. I haven't gone to Vegas but cry, scream, and break a few things I've done. He told to me to feel all my emotions and not to hide them, deal with them as they come. So that's what I'm doing, but I don't always think about how the boys are doing with this new life.
The other day, Ryler (9 years old), was having a hard time. He's been having a hard time a lot and I don't really know what to do. I hold him when he cries and I give him space when he wants to think. I cry with him and he cries with me. I don't have the words to tell him anything to make it better and I can't just fix this. That's the most helpless feeling as a parent. I so wish I could fix it for him but no amount of money or stuff can so we just lean on each other and love each other, just as Papa Clovis would want us to. So this brings me to my strong silent boy of a man, Garrin (12 years old). He's handling things unbelievably well. He's a kid of few words and being the oldest he's definitely the take charge kid. So everyone was gone and it was just us, so I thought it was a good time to ask him how he was really feeling. Never ask a question without really thinking about it first because you never really know the answer that will come. So I asked him how he was handling our new life without Papa here. He's so strong and doesn't really show much emotion, trying to be the tough guy. His response just blew me away. He said, "Mom, I got all my crying out while Papa was still here because he told me all about how things were going to go!". WOW, what? I couldn't believe what he was telling me. He said, "yeah mom, me and Papa had lots of talks about what was happening and what he wanted me to do and how he wanted me to do things, so that's what I'm doing.". I just stood there in complete awe! I knew what he was telling me and I began to understand that my boy of a son was becoming a man and he was doing it with such strength. I was super proud and amazed all at the same time. I wanted to break down and cry like a baby but I wasn't about to put that on him. He's being so strong through all this and now I know that my dad did the hard part for me once again. My dad took the time to really talk with Garrin and explain things and prepare him. What another awesome gift my dad gave me. I'd like to think that I'd have the strength and forethought to prepare my loved ones like he did. I know he told Garrin that he'd be the one to teach Trevin and Gentry all that Papa had taught him. What an awesome task to be given. My dad may be physically gone but he will live on forever through my boys. And for that I'm so very thankful. It's so uplifting to watch your children grow into young adults and it keeps me motivated to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
Trinity
No comments:
Post a Comment