So I'm 35 now! I don't feel like it, I really don't know what 35 is suppose to feel like. A good friend asked me how it felt to be middle aged now and it really got me thinking. My response was I felt middle aged 3 years ago when my dad went "down with the big one". I have to smile as I type "down with the big one" because dad always joked about that after he got out of the hospital. Dad never sugar coated anything and he wasn't about to sugar coat what he knew was happening to his body. He knew his time was limited and made the most of it. Actually he always said to make the most of today because you only get one of them! That's one of the many things I love about him, his unbelievably positive attitude through his entire life, even til the very end. So back to the middle aged thing...
Three years ago my whole world changed and my little bubble of my world was popped and threw me into middle age over night. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back it's very clear. Before my dad's heart attack, my world was just about perfect or so I thought. Dad was my best friend, sometimes more so than my own hubby. Dad spoiled me in too many ways to mention. Not only was he my best friend but he also took care of my boys. He kept them while I worked and anytime Gary and I went out of town. So needless to say he spent a lot of time at my house and with me. When I think back about that I'm thankful that my mom was supportive and understanding. After all they were in their prime of their lives and could have been traveling or doing just about anything they wanted to do. But both mom and dad love spending time with my boys. I love that my boys have the opportunity to be around all their grandparents, that's something I never had. I also pray that I'll get to be involved with my grandchildren like my boys grandparents have been. I thought family was very important before all this change but I realize through this process that it's really all that matters. I mean really all that matters! I'm thankful to really understand this at this point in my life. I think some people don't get this concept until later in life and sometimes never. So yes, I was thrown into middle age on my 32nd birthday and I physically aged overnight.
Something changes when something happens to a parent. I can't really describe the feeling other than hurt and loss. I felt a huge loss 3 years ago. After all my dad's TEN FEET TALL AND BULLETPROOF! All of a sudden it became clear that he wouldn't be there to take care of me forever. I don't know why I thought he would live forever and take care of me, but I did. That's what I'm saying about my little bubble of my world was popped with this life changing event. I went from feeling as if everything was perfect, safe, secure, and loved to "oh wow I'm a grown up now and on my own". Yuck! I don't want to grow up! I still don't want to grow up! But I'm reminded of my dad telling me, "it's not all about you, kid". The rational part of me knows that but the rest of me says oh yes it is! Growing up is hard to do, no matter what your age. Growing pains are just that, pains. You know though, life can't always be easy, fun, and great all the time. You have to have the hard times so you can appreciate the good times!
This time in my life is hard but I see many blessings coming from this change. The hard times are painful and difficult at best but I can't dwell on them, my dad would be "pissed" (he told me so) if I did. So I will push through this time with as much grace as possible but let me be completely honest...it stinks!!! I hurt! My whole body hurts. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him! Did I mention I miss him? I'm thankful he's not in any more pain but I miss him. I think I'll miss him until the day I die. I cry at random times. It's the kind of cry that you can't catch your breath. It's like I've had the wind knocked out of me. I either stay super busy so I won't think about how much I miss him or I take a lot of naps or I sometimes just kinda zone out. The good thing is I have a house full of boys that help redirect my attention and keep me focused. They're little mini me's of Papa Clovis and talk about him constantly, which I love. Sometimes though it takes all I have to keep calm and carry on. My sleep is completely messed up. I think it's because I'm still nursing my sweet baby but not really. I wake up and cry so I move to the couch because I don't want to wake up Gary. Sometimes I wish I could just scream and cry til I could fall back asleep but with a house full I can't. I just cry quietly and fall back asleep on the couch. I know this won't last forever but for now, IT STINKS! I will acknowledge how much it stinks and keep walking through this with as much grace as God gives. I will count my blessings and be thankful for all that I have and know it's ok to hurt.
Trinity
No comments:
Post a Comment