So back to how this "change" began...
I spent my 32nd birthday at the hospital as well as the next two weeks. Gary was absolutely amazing. He never left my side. He literally dropped everything to be there for me. I never really knew how much he loved me until this and I'm just in awe of how much he takes great care of me. I'm sure it was hard for him to be my husband with me being so close to my dad, after all I always listened to my dad first. It's hard to believe after 16 years of marriage, I finally listen to my husband first instead of my dad. I will forever be thankful for his patience over the years. I never really knew how to lean on my husband before now and wow, what an amazing feeling. He's such a rock. So during the hospital stay, Gary slept with me in uncomfortable chairs, walked the floor, got me food, and managed who was taking care of the boys (9,6, &1), not to mention he took off work and had his dad look after his farming operation. He can multitask to say the least. I've been blessed with an awesome hubby, and I hope to never take him for granted! My dad thought he was a great guy and now I realize it's because he treats me so well. After all what else does any parent want for their child, for their spouse to love them, take great care of them, and to make them happy.
The next few days are a blur. I remember filling out lots of paperwork and meeting with many different doctors throwing all kinds of information at us. During the first visit with the doctor he explained that this wasn't his first heart attack and that his body had grown it's own bypass. We were shocked to say the least. The doctors didn't have any history to go off of because dad never went to the doctor, never. All my mom keep saying was do whatever you have to do to keep him alive. I remember asking the dr. if he has this surgery will he make a full recovery? Because I knew dad wouldn't want a life where he couldn't do all the things he loved to do...shooting and training, loving on his honey (aka my mom), playing with my boys, and riding his bicycle. The doctor kept saying he 'should' be able to do those things but he's in serious condition right now. I knew deep down what that meant but I didn't want to accept it. I knew there was a great possibility that he'd never be the same again.
Dad was medi-flighted to OKC and by the time we got there they had already put in a heart pump. The thought of a device pumping his heart for him while he was awake was freaky at best. Now when I say he was awake I don't mean that he wasn't heavily medicated. So the doctors said he needed to have the pump in for a few days then he could go home and recover and schedule his by-pass surgery. Well that's when I had diarrhea of the mouth and said, "If he leaves, he won't come back!". I knew that if he got out of there, there'd be no way he'd go back. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would've kept my mouth shut! But I didn't and you can't change the past, and nor should you want to. So after I said that my mom agreed and the doctors scheduled the surgery for Friday morning. Looking back I didn't really understand what would happen during surgery. I mean just think about it. They cut open your chest, pull out your heart, hook up your body to a machine that keeps you going, all while the doctors cut and repair your heart. Then they put it all back nice and neat, wire your chest shut, and send you on your merry way. That's a lot to go through for everyone involved.
We had many visitors during the week, I can't even remember who exactly came to see dad. It's all such a blur and a whirlwind of emotions. Seeing my dad laying there and not knowing how everything was going to turnout was nail biting frightening. Then the paperwork...what means do you want taken if something doesn't go as planned? Well part of you wants to say do everything at all costs and the logical part of you says we are messing with mother nature. And once you start messing with her (mother nature) where and when do you stop? I remember thinking many things but still not grasping what was actually happening and what would be. So Friday came and the waiting room was full of our family and friends, we were all just waiting to hear he would be ok. It's a long surgery and it seemed to last forever. I'm the kind of person that makes light of a bad situation, at least while in the midst of it all. My dad has always taught me to handle any situation with strength and grace while it's happening, but after it's all said and done is when you can "loose it". He'd always tell me that if you're "loosing it" in the middle of a tough situation then you're of no good to anyone and not helping anyone involved. Therefore I tend to make jokes and always think positive. Now that all is said and done, I WANT TO LOOSE IT! But for now I just keep on keeping on.
I'll write about the rest of the hospital stay again, this is all I can get out now. It's been a rough few days, darker than I ever thought. You know the commercial on tv that talks about being in a fog and needing a pill to get through your day, well now I understand what that means. I've never felt like I couldn't make it through even when I was with dad when he was dying, but the other day I just cried and cried. I cried like I've never cried before. I couldn't seem to get it together and felt like I was out of control. All of my body hurt, not just my heart, but everywhere! It was the dull pain then the sharp shooting pain then the I can't catch my breath pain. I'm telling you I've never felt anything like this before. I know that no one can fix this and it's not suppose to be fixed but oh my does it hurt. I wanted to do anything to make the pain go away...take a drink, a pill, eat, go shopping, break stuff, anything to make it go away. I didn't do any of those things, I just cried and prayed and walked through this with the strength and grace my dad taught me to have. I'm so thankful to have had a dad like him and that he was so very giving to me and my boys. I refuse to be a victim of this situation or to let this define me so I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
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