Thursday, July 26, 2012
Victim...I think NOT!
What does victim mean? According to the Webster's 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language victim means a living being sacrificed to some deity, or in the performance of a religious rite; usually, some beast slain in sacrifice: but human beings have been slain by some nations, for the purpose of appeasing to the wrath or conciliating the favor of some deity. Something destroyed; something sacrificed in the pursuit of an object.
I wrote in my last blog that I refuse to be a victim or let this (my dad dying) define me. By that I mean that I will make the best of this situation and find the positive and focus on it. That is one of the many things that my dad taught me...POSITIVE ATTITUDE! He always said that the difference between a great ordeal or a great adventure is attitude. Sometimes when I think about my dad and his life, I'm amazed at how he kept his positive attitude. He was hurt in an oilfield accident when I was about 4 years old. After his accident the doctors told him he'd never walk again. He wasn't even 30 years old and was super active. He didn't let that stop him, if anything he had the attitude of I'll show you! I don't remember much of him not being able to walk or having to use a cane. I remember that he always had pain in his legs, always. But the amazing thing is that he never complained or let that keep him from doing the things he wanted to do. Sometimes I would watch him and just think how could I even complain about anything, all of my body works perfectly fine. It might have taken dad 2 or 3 times as long to do something but he just did it and never complained or ever acted like he couldn't do it. I think watching him taught me that you can do anything you want to, if just have to want to. No one else can 'want to' for you, only you. So I say all of this to say that my dad was not a victim and never wanted to be treated like one. He didn't want anybody's sympathy or anyone to feel bad for him in any way shape or form. It's only natural that I would feel the same way.
A few days ago, I was talking with my mom and she mentioned how much she doesn't like being called a widow or how people treat her differently. I knew exactly what she meant. People treat you differently and have this aww poor you attitude toward you and it's the worst feeling ever! I appreciate people showing concern but the whole you poor thing and I feel so bad for you is just the opposite of how my dad taught me to think. We are not victims to this nor will it define us! This is all part of life's journey, living and dying. My dad told me and my mom to keep living and that this is a little blimp in the screen, but do not let this keep you down. He said, "If you do let this keep you down, then all the work I've done is for nothing...so take some time to heal and lick your wounds, then get up and keep on living and leaving a legacy with the boys.". So as mom and I are doing this and walking through this, people still act like we are victims. We are not and will not be victims! Yes we've had a big life change and this one hurts and hurts big time but we will keep on living. We will talk about dad and tell stories, look at old pictures, and remember all the good times and the bad times. Yes I'll shed many tears but my tears will help the healing process, not make me the victim!
I hope to never treat anyone like a victim and only offer words of encouragement. Attitude is everything and I will chose a positive one! I feel like I've been blessed to have had my dad for almost 35 years and had the best relationship I could've ever asked for. Life passes too quickly not to focus on the positive. So victim...I think NOT!
Monday, July 23, 2012
July 7th...hospital stay
So back to how this "change" began...
I spent my 32nd birthday at the hospital as well as the next two weeks. Gary was absolutely amazing. He never left my side. He literally dropped everything to be there for me. I never really knew how much he loved me until this and I'm just in awe of how much he takes great care of me. I'm sure it was hard for him to be my husband with me being so close to my dad, after all I always listened to my dad first. It's hard to believe after 16 years of marriage, I finally listen to my husband first instead of my dad. I will forever be thankful for his patience over the years. I never really knew how to lean on my husband before now and wow, what an amazing feeling. He's such a rock. So during the hospital stay, Gary slept with me in uncomfortable chairs, walked the floor, got me food, and managed who was taking care of the boys (9,6, &1), not to mention he took off work and had his dad look after his farming operation. He can multitask to say the least. I've been blessed with an awesome hubby, and I hope to never take him for granted! My dad thought he was a great guy and now I realize it's because he treats me so well. After all what else does any parent want for their child, for their spouse to love them, take great care of them, and to make them happy.
The next few days are a blur. I remember filling out lots of paperwork and meeting with many different doctors throwing all kinds of information at us. During the first visit with the doctor he explained that this wasn't his first heart attack and that his body had grown it's own bypass. We were shocked to say the least. The doctors didn't have any history to go off of because dad never went to the doctor, never. All my mom keep saying was do whatever you have to do to keep him alive. I remember asking the dr. if he has this surgery will he make a full recovery? Because I knew dad wouldn't want a life where he couldn't do all the things he loved to do...shooting and training, loving on his honey (aka my mom), playing with my boys, and riding his bicycle. The doctor kept saying he 'should' be able to do those things but he's in serious condition right now. I knew deep down what that meant but I didn't want to accept it. I knew there was a great possibility that he'd never be the same again.
Dad was medi-flighted to OKC and by the time we got there they had already put in a heart pump. The thought of a device pumping his heart for him while he was awake was freaky at best. Now when I say he was awake I don't mean that he wasn't heavily medicated. So the doctors said he needed to have the pump in for a few days then he could go home and recover and schedule his by-pass surgery. Well that's when I had diarrhea of the mouth and said, "If he leaves, he won't come back!". I knew that if he got out of there, there'd be no way he'd go back. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would've kept my mouth shut! But I didn't and you can't change the past, and nor should you want to. So after I said that my mom agreed and the doctors scheduled the surgery for Friday morning. Looking back I didn't really understand what would happen during surgery. I mean just think about it. They cut open your chest, pull out your heart, hook up your body to a machine that keeps you going, all while the doctors cut and repair your heart. Then they put it all back nice and neat, wire your chest shut, and send you on your merry way. That's a lot to go through for everyone involved.
We had many visitors during the week, I can't even remember who exactly came to see dad. It's all such a blur and a whirlwind of emotions. Seeing my dad laying there and not knowing how everything was going to turnout was nail biting frightening. Then the paperwork...what means do you want taken if something doesn't go as planned? Well part of you wants to say do everything at all costs and the logical part of you says we are messing with mother nature. And once you start messing with her (mother nature) where and when do you stop? I remember thinking many things but still not grasping what was actually happening and what would be. So Friday came and the waiting room was full of our family and friends, we were all just waiting to hear he would be ok. It's a long surgery and it seemed to last forever. I'm the kind of person that makes light of a bad situation, at least while in the midst of it all. My dad has always taught me to handle any situation with strength and grace while it's happening, but after it's all said and done is when you can "loose it". He'd always tell me that if you're "loosing it" in the middle of a tough situation then you're of no good to anyone and not helping anyone involved. Therefore I tend to make jokes and always think positive. Now that all is said and done, I WANT TO LOOSE IT! But for now I just keep on keeping on.
I'll write about the rest of the hospital stay again, this is all I can get out now. It's been a rough few days, darker than I ever thought. You know the commercial on tv that talks about being in a fog and needing a pill to get through your day, well now I understand what that means. I've never felt like I couldn't make it through even when I was with dad when he was dying, but the other day I just cried and cried. I cried like I've never cried before. I couldn't seem to get it together and felt like I was out of control. All of my body hurt, not just my heart, but everywhere! It was the dull pain then the sharp shooting pain then the I can't catch my breath pain. I'm telling you I've never felt anything like this before. I know that no one can fix this and it's not suppose to be fixed but oh my does it hurt. I wanted to do anything to make the pain go away...take a drink, a pill, eat, go shopping, break stuff, anything to make it go away. I didn't do any of those things, I just cried and prayed and walked through this with the strength and grace my dad taught me to have. I'm so thankful to have had a dad like him and that he was so very giving to me and my boys. I refuse to be a victim of this situation or to let this define me so I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
I spent my 32nd birthday at the hospital as well as the next two weeks. Gary was absolutely amazing. He never left my side. He literally dropped everything to be there for me. I never really knew how much he loved me until this and I'm just in awe of how much he takes great care of me. I'm sure it was hard for him to be my husband with me being so close to my dad, after all I always listened to my dad first. It's hard to believe after 16 years of marriage, I finally listen to my husband first instead of my dad. I will forever be thankful for his patience over the years. I never really knew how to lean on my husband before now and wow, what an amazing feeling. He's such a rock. So during the hospital stay, Gary slept with me in uncomfortable chairs, walked the floor, got me food, and managed who was taking care of the boys (9,6, &1), not to mention he took off work and had his dad look after his farming operation. He can multitask to say the least. I've been blessed with an awesome hubby, and I hope to never take him for granted! My dad thought he was a great guy and now I realize it's because he treats me so well. After all what else does any parent want for their child, for their spouse to love them, take great care of them, and to make them happy.
The next few days are a blur. I remember filling out lots of paperwork and meeting with many different doctors throwing all kinds of information at us. During the first visit with the doctor he explained that this wasn't his first heart attack and that his body had grown it's own bypass. We were shocked to say the least. The doctors didn't have any history to go off of because dad never went to the doctor, never. All my mom keep saying was do whatever you have to do to keep him alive. I remember asking the dr. if he has this surgery will he make a full recovery? Because I knew dad wouldn't want a life where he couldn't do all the things he loved to do...shooting and training, loving on his honey (aka my mom), playing with my boys, and riding his bicycle. The doctor kept saying he 'should' be able to do those things but he's in serious condition right now. I knew deep down what that meant but I didn't want to accept it. I knew there was a great possibility that he'd never be the same again.
Dad was medi-flighted to OKC and by the time we got there they had already put in a heart pump. The thought of a device pumping his heart for him while he was awake was freaky at best. Now when I say he was awake I don't mean that he wasn't heavily medicated. So the doctors said he needed to have the pump in for a few days then he could go home and recover and schedule his by-pass surgery. Well that's when I had diarrhea of the mouth and said, "If he leaves, he won't come back!". I knew that if he got out of there, there'd be no way he'd go back. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I would've kept my mouth shut! But I didn't and you can't change the past, and nor should you want to. So after I said that my mom agreed and the doctors scheduled the surgery for Friday morning. Looking back I didn't really understand what would happen during surgery. I mean just think about it. They cut open your chest, pull out your heart, hook up your body to a machine that keeps you going, all while the doctors cut and repair your heart. Then they put it all back nice and neat, wire your chest shut, and send you on your merry way. That's a lot to go through for everyone involved.
We had many visitors during the week, I can't even remember who exactly came to see dad. It's all such a blur and a whirlwind of emotions. Seeing my dad laying there and not knowing how everything was going to turnout was nail biting frightening. Then the paperwork...what means do you want taken if something doesn't go as planned? Well part of you wants to say do everything at all costs and the logical part of you says we are messing with mother nature. And once you start messing with her (mother nature) where and when do you stop? I remember thinking many things but still not grasping what was actually happening and what would be. So Friday came and the waiting room was full of our family and friends, we were all just waiting to hear he would be ok. It's a long surgery and it seemed to last forever. I'm the kind of person that makes light of a bad situation, at least while in the midst of it all. My dad has always taught me to handle any situation with strength and grace while it's happening, but after it's all said and done is when you can "loose it". He'd always tell me that if you're "loosing it" in the middle of a tough situation then you're of no good to anyone and not helping anyone involved. Therefore I tend to make jokes and always think positive. Now that all is said and done, I WANT TO LOOSE IT! But for now I just keep on keeping on.
I'll write about the rest of the hospital stay again, this is all I can get out now. It's been a rough few days, darker than I ever thought. You know the commercial on tv that talks about being in a fog and needing a pill to get through your day, well now I understand what that means. I've never felt like I couldn't make it through even when I was with dad when he was dying, but the other day I just cried and cried. I cried like I've never cried before. I couldn't seem to get it together and felt like I was out of control. All of my body hurt, not just my heart, but everywhere! It was the dull pain then the sharp shooting pain then the I can't catch my breath pain. I'm telling you I've never felt anything like this before. I know that no one can fix this and it's not suppose to be fixed but oh my does it hurt. I wanted to do anything to make the pain go away...take a drink, a pill, eat, go shopping, break stuff, anything to make it go away. I didn't do any of those things, I just cried and prayed and walked through this with the strength and grace my dad taught me to have. I'm so thankful to have had a dad like him and that he was so very giving to me and my boys. I refuse to be a victim of this situation or to let this define me so I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Unexpected answer...
I know I've got to get back to how all this "change" began but this was too good not to write about right now. So just bear with me and enjoy the ride.
How we handle life situations, whether they be good or bad, really says a lot about our character and who we are. I didn't handle my dad having heart surgery so well, however I did handle his death better than expected. Now when I say I didn't handle it well I mean from the outside looking in I was doing just fine. Gary knew differently and loved me through that rough time just as he is doing now. I just need to say that I've got an amazing husband. He's my rock and takes great care of me and truly loves me. I hope everyone has that at least once in their lifetime because it's crazy awesome! Now when I say I handled my dad's death better than expected I mean I stayed strong through watching him die. I'm still getting up everyday even when I don't want to, after all I've got a few boys that need tending to. Seriously, I've done way better than I ever thought I would in this situation. I really think it's because my dad prepared me and trained me. We had many great conversations over his last weeks and he just kept reminding me to be strong and carry on. He told me over and over to stay calm and handle this situation and after it was all over he said that's when you can loose it and do whatever it is you need to do. He said that's when you can scream, cry, break things, go to Vegas, whatever it is you need to do to deal with the new life. Give yourself some time but then get back to what needs taking care of and keep living life. What great advice and I'm trying to follow it. I haven't gone to Vegas but cry, scream, and break a few things I've done. He told to me to feel all my emotions and not to hide them, deal with them as they come. So that's what I'm doing, but I don't always think about how the boys are doing with this new life.
The other day, Ryler (9 years old), was having a hard time. He's been having a hard time a lot and I don't really know what to do. I hold him when he cries and I give him space when he wants to think. I cry with him and he cries with me. I don't have the words to tell him anything to make it better and I can't just fix this. That's the most helpless feeling as a parent. I so wish I could fix it for him but no amount of money or stuff can so we just lean on each other and love each other, just as Papa Clovis would want us to. So this brings me to my strong silent boy of a man, Garrin (12 years old). He's handling things unbelievably well. He's a kid of few words and being the oldest he's definitely the take charge kid. So everyone was gone and it was just us, so I thought it was a good time to ask him how he was really feeling. Never ask a question without really thinking about it first because you never really know the answer that will come. So I asked him how he was handling our new life without Papa here. He's so strong and doesn't really show much emotion, trying to be the tough guy. His response just blew me away. He said, "Mom, I got all my crying out while Papa was still here because he told me all about how things were going to go!". WOW, what? I couldn't believe what he was telling me. He said, "yeah mom, me and Papa had lots of talks about what was happening and what he wanted me to do and how he wanted me to do things, so that's what I'm doing.". I just stood there in complete awe! I knew what he was telling me and I began to understand that my boy of a son was becoming a man and he was doing it with such strength. I was super proud and amazed all at the same time. I wanted to break down and cry like a baby but I wasn't about to put that on him. He's being so strong through all this and now I know that my dad did the hard part for me once again. My dad took the time to really talk with Garrin and explain things and prepare him. What another awesome gift my dad gave me. I'd like to think that I'd have the strength and forethought to prepare my loved ones like he did. I know he told Garrin that he'd be the one to teach Trevin and Gentry all that Papa had taught him. What an awesome task to be given. My dad may be physically gone but he will live on forever through my boys. And for that I'm so very thankful. It's so uplifting to watch your children grow into young adults and it keeps me motivated to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
Trinity
How we handle life situations, whether they be good or bad, really says a lot about our character and who we are. I didn't handle my dad having heart surgery so well, however I did handle his death better than expected. Now when I say I didn't handle it well I mean from the outside looking in I was doing just fine. Gary knew differently and loved me through that rough time just as he is doing now. I just need to say that I've got an amazing husband. He's my rock and takes great care of me and truly loves me. I hope everyone has that at least once in their lifetime because it's crazy awesome! Now when I say I handled my dad's death better than expected I mean I stayed strong through watching him die. I'm still getting up everyday even when I don't want to, after all I've got a few boys that need tending to. Seriously, I've done way better than I ever thought I would in this situation. I really think it's because my dad prepared me and trained me. We had many great conversations over his last weeks and he just kept reminding me to be strong and carry on. He told me over and over to stay calm and handle this situation and after it was all over he said that's when you can loose it and do whatever it is you need to do. He said that's when you can scream, cry, break things, go to Vegas, whatever it is you need to do to deal with the new life. Give yourself some time but then get back to what needs taking care of and keep living life. What great advice and I'm trying to follow it. I haven't gone to Vegas but cry, scream, and break a few things I've done. He told to me to feel all my emotions and not to hide them, deal with them as they come. So that's what I'm doing, but I don't always think about how the boys are doing with this new life.
The other day, Ryler (9 years old), was having a hard time. He's been having a hard time a lot and I don't really know what to do. I hold him when he cries and I give him space when he wants to think. I cry with him and he cries with me. I don't have the words to tell him anything to make it better and I can't just fix this. That's the most helpless feeling as a parent. I so wish I could fix it for him but no amount of money or stuff can so we just lean on each other and love each other, just as Papa Clovis would want us to. So this brings me to my strong silent boy of a man, Garrin (12 years old). He's handling things unbelievably well. He's a kid of few words and being the oldest he's definitely the take charge kid. So everyone was gone and it was just us, so I thought it was a good time to ask him how he was really feeling. Never ask a question without really thinking about it first because you never really know the answer that will come. So I asked him how he was handling our new life without Papa here. He's so strong and doesn't really show much emotion, trying to be the tough guy. His response just blew me away. He said, "Mom, I got all my crying out while Papa was still here because he told me all about how things were going to go!". WOW, what? I couldn't believe what he was telling me. He said, "yeah mom, me and Papa had lots of talks about what was happening and what he wanted me to do and how he wanted me to do things, so that's what I'm doing.". I just stood there in complete awe! I knew what he was telling me and I began to understand that my boy of a son was becoming a man and he was doing it with such strength. I was super proud and amazed all at the same time. I wanted to break down and cry like a baby but I wasn't about to put that on him. He's being so strong through all this and now I know that my dad did the hard part for me once again. My dad took the time to really talk with Garrin and explain things and prepare him. What another awesome gift my dad gave me. I'd like to think that I'd have the strength and forethought to prepare my loved ones like he did. I know he told Garrin that he'd be the one to teach Trevin and Gentry all that Papa had taught him. What an awesome task to be given. My dad may be physically gone but he will live on forever through my boys. And for that I'm so very thankful. It's so uplifting to watch your children grow into young adults and it keeps me motivated to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!
Trinity
Monday, July 9, 2012
Middle age
So I'm 35 now! I don't feel like it, I really don't know what 35 is suppose to feel like. A good friend asked me how it felt to be middle aged now and it really got me thinking. My response was I felt middle aged 3 years ago when my dad went "down with the big one". I have to smile as I type "down with the big one" because dad always joked about that after he got out of the hospital. Dad never sugar coated anything and he wasn't about to sugar coat what he knew was happening to his body. He knew his time was limited and made the most of it. Actually he always said to make the most of today because you only get one of them! That's one of the many things I love about him, his unbelievably positive attitude through his entire life, even til the very end. So back to the middle aged thing...
Three years ago my whole world changed and my little bubble of my world was popped and threw me into middle age over night. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back it's very clear. Before my dad's heart attack, my world was just about perfect or so I thought. Dad was my best friend, sometimes more so than my own hubby. Dad spoiled me in too many ways to mention. Not only was he my best friend but he also took care of my boys. He kept them while I worked and anytime Gary and I went out of town. So needless to say he spent a lot of time at my house and with me. When I think back about that I'm thankful that my mom was supportive and understanding. After all they were in their prime of their lives and could have been traveling or doing just about anything they wanted to do. But both mom and dad love spending time with my boys. I love that my boys have the opportunity to be around all their grandparents, that's something I never had. I also pray that I'll get to be involved with my grandchildren like my boys grandparents have been. I thought family was very important before all this change but I realize through this process that it's really all that matters. I mean really all that matters! I'm thankful to really understand this at this point in my life. I think some people don't get this concept until later in life and sometimes never. So yes, I was thrown into middle age on my 32nd birthday and I physically aged overnight.
Something changes when something happens to a parent. I can't really describe the feeling other than hurt and loss. I felt a huge loss 3 years ago. After all my dad's TEN FEET TALL AND BULLETPROOF! All of a sudden it became clear that he wouldn't be there to take care of me forever. I don't know why I thought he would live forever and take care of me, but I did. That's what I'm saying about my little bubble of my world was popped with this life changing event. I went from feeling as if everything was perfect, safe, secure, and loved to "oh wow I'm a grown up now and on my own". Yuck! I don't want to grow up! I still don't want to grow up! But I'm reminded of my dad telling me, "it's not all about you, kid". The rational part of me knows that but the rest of me says oh yes it is! Growing up is hard to do, no matter what your age. Growing pains are just that, pains. You know though, life can't always be easy, fun, and great all the time. You have to have the hard times so you can appreciate the good times!
This time in my life is hard but I see many blessings coming from this change. The hard times are painful and difficult at best but I can't dwell on them, my dad would be "pissed" (he told me so) if I did. So I will push through this time with as much grace as possible but let me be completely honest...it stinks!!! I hurt! My whole body hurts. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him! Did I mention I miss him? I'm thankful he's not in any more pain but I miss him. I think I'll miss him until the day I die. I cry at random times. It's the kind of cry that you can't catch your breath. It's like I've had the wind knocked out of me. I either stay super busy so I won't think about how much I miss him or I take a lot of naps or I sometimes just kinda zone out. The good thing is I have a house full of boys that help redirect my attention and keep me focused. They're little mini me's of Papa Clovis and talk about him constantly, which I love. Sometimes though it takes all I have to keep calm and carry on. My sleep is completely messed up. I think it's because I'm still nursing my sweet baby but not really. I wake up and cry so I move to the couch because I don't want to wake up Gary. Sometimes I wish I could just scream and cry til I could fall back asleep but with a house full I can't. I just cry quietly and fall back asleep on the couch. I know this won't last forever but for now, IT STINKS! I will acknowledge how much it stinks and keep walking through this with as much grace as God gives. I will count my blessings and be thankful for all that I have and know it's ok to hurt.
Trinity
Three years ago my whole world changed and my little bubble of my world was popped and threw me into middle age over night. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back it's very clear. Before my dad's heart attack, my world was just about perfect or so I thought. Dad was my best friend, sometimes more so than my own hubby. Dad spoiled me in too many ways to mention. Not only was he my best friend but he also took care of my boys. He kept them while I worked and anytime Gary and I went out of town. So needless to say he spent a lot of time at my house and with me. When I think back about that I'm thankful that my mom was supportive and understanding. After all they were in their prime of their lives and could have been traveling or doing just about anything they wanted to do. But both mom and dad love spending time with my boys. I love that my boys have the opportunity to be around all their grandparents, that's something I never had. I also pray that I'll get to be involved with my grandchildren like my boys grandparents have been. I thought family was very important before all this change but I realize through this process that it's really all that matters. I mean really all that matters! I'm thankful to really understand this at this point in my life. I think some people don't get this concept until later in life and sometimes never. So yes, I was thrown into middle age on my 32nd birthday and I physically aged overnight.
Something changes when something happens to a parent. I can't really describe the feeling other than hurt and loss. I felt a huge loss 3 years ago. After all my dad's TEN FEET TALL AND BULLETPROOF! All of a sudden it became clear that he wouldn't be there to take care of me forever. I don't know why I thought he would live forever and take care of me, but I did. That's what I'm saying about my little bubble of my world was popped with this life changing event. I went from feeling as if everything was perfect, safe, secure, and loved to "oh wow I'm a grown up now and on my own". Yuck! I don't want to grow up! I still don't want to grow up! But I'm reminded of my dad telling me, "it's not all about you, kid". The rational part of me knows that but the rest of me says oh yes it is! Growing up is hard to do, no matter what your age. Growing pains are just that, pains. You know though, life can't always be easy, fun, and great all the time. You have to have the hard times so you can appreciate the good times!
This time in my life is hard but I see many blessings coming from this change. The hard times are painful and difficult at best but I can't dwell on them, my dad would be "pissed" (he told me so) if I did. So I will push through this time with as much grace as possible but let me be completely honest...it stinks!!! I hurt! My whole body hurts. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him! Did I mention I miss him? I'm thankful he's not in any more pain but I miss him. I think I'll miss him until the day I die. I cry at random times. It's the kind of cry that you can't catch your breath. It's like I've had the wind knocked out of me. I either stay super busy so I won't think about how much I miss him or I take a lot of naps or I sometimes just kinda zone out. The good thing is I have a house full of boys that help redirect my attention and keep me focused. They're little mini me's of Papa Clovis and talk about him constantly, which I love. Sometimes though it takes all I have to keep calm and carry on. My sleep is completely messed up. I think it's because I'm still nursing my sweet baby but not really. I wake up and cry so I move to the couch because I don't want to wake up Gary. Sometimes I wish I could just scream and cry til I could fall back asleep but with a house full I can't. I just cry quietly and fall back asleep on the couch. I know this won't last forever but for now, IT STINKS! I will acknowledge how much it stinks and keep walking through this with as much grace as God gives. I will count my blessings and be thankful for all that I have and know it's ok to hurt.
Trinity
Friday, July 6, 2012
July 6th...
Three years ago today my life changed forever. The events that have happened over these last three years have been tougher than ever but brought our family closer together, if that was possible. Today, July 6th, makes me think of many wonderful things about life but also makes me think about our purpose in life here. Nothing stays the same forever and I have learned that through thick and thin family is really what matters.
Three years ago today, my mom called me in the afternoon and wanted me to come check on dad. It was a Monday and I wasn't working much so I went to see what was going on. My boys were 9, 6, and 1 at this time. I mention this because dad took care of them from the time they were born. Well really even before they were born because he'd rub my feet and make me slow down and take care of myself so baby would be born healthy. Dad was in the delivery room with me and Gary. He's very much apart of our lives. As I was driving to mom and dad's I remember thinking what could possibly be wrong with dad. Remember, my dad is Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof! After mom and dad had brunch, dad went on his bicycle ride which was usual, even in the heat. During that ride, dad had to call mom to come and get him because he apparently got overheated. He loaded his bike in mom's expedition and they went to the house. So when I got there dad was sitting on the floor leaning against the couch drinking some Gatorade and eating some crackers. I remember his face was a little red but other than that he looked just like my dad, strong and healthy. I sat and visited with him for awhile and mom went in the kitchen to give us some time to really talk. He assured me over and over that he just got over heated and that he was just fine. He was even a little testy that mom had called me and that I came to check on him. So after our chat I felt like he was fine and visited with mom as I walked to my car. I could tell she was concerned and very worried but I really felt like he was ok. So we hugged and I went on home. I talked to them before bed and he still sounded fine.
I woke up the next morning, my 32nd birthday, to mom and the boys bringing me breakfast in bed. I could tell mom was tired but didn't give it much thought. She didn't stay long and dad didn't come with her because he still wasn't feeling great. I really started to wonder what was going on because dad would always come out to the house! Mom said don't worry and she'd call me later. So I had planned on taking the boys swimming with a friend that afternoon and we went on as planned. By mid afternoon mom called and she was taking dad to convenient care. So I left my boys there and met them at convenient care. I went in my swimsuit with my cover up on because I still just thought he's fine. He walked into convenient care and that dr. wanted to get an ambulance to take him to the hospital. He refused of course! So he walked out and mom drove him to the local hospital and I followed. I called Gary on my way to hospital so he could get the boys from my friend. Dad walked into the local hospital and he only complained about feeling like he had the flu. He said he never had chest pains or shortness of breath. So while waiting on all their tests, I'm beginning to think something is really up. I called Gary and he had the boys taken care of and was waiting to hear what the plan was with dad. Mom was really worried and scared but dad kept telling her he was ok. He's always the voice of reason and never shows fear. After all, fear is weakness!
The ER dr. asked to visit with me in the hall. I don't know how doctors deal with telling people things that no one wants to hear. This dr. had much concern and fear in his eyes. He said your dad is having or has had a major heart attack and he needs to get to the Heart Hospital in OKC. He needs to be mediflighted there and this is very serious. I tried to tell him we would take him there because I knew dad would not want to ride in the helicopter or ambulance but he was very persistent that he get there as fast as possible. So after much discussion and convincing dad agreed to go in the helicopter. Mom headed there without getting anything from home. I called Gary and went straight home to change out of my swimsuit and pack a few things. He met me at the house, the boys were with his mom and dad, and we packed a few things and got on the road. It's about an hour and 15 minutes to the hospital in OKC. It's all a blur and I'm just so thankful that Gary's mom and dad were there to take care of the boys. I can't remember what I talked to Gary about for the drive and I don't really remember what I was thinking or feeling. I just thought this is some kind of bad dream! I've thought that a lot over these last few years and still I sometimes think, this is all a bad dream.
By the time we got to the hospital mom was already there and crying. My sister and her husband were on the way and I had called a couple that was friend's with mom and dad. It was dark but before midnight. They already had a heart pump going on dad and he was pretty drugged up. The heart pump goes in the groin area up to the heart and is basically a balloon that pumps the heart so the heart can rest. With the pump in, dad had to lay flat. So the dr. calls us into this conference room and shows us the picture of his heart and begins talking. I couldn't comprehend everything. It all seemed to be happening too fast and going in slow motion all at the same time. As the dr. is talking and trying to explain to us options, I realize this is not good. This is not good for many reasons. I wanted to fall apart and panic but I knew I couldn't and shouldn't. After all dad had been training me for the last 32 years to handle life with strength and grace. So with Gary by my side we listened to the dr. and began to try to make decisions with my mom.
Until I began writing this blog, I never gave much thought to what my mom was going through. As time has passed I'm realizing what great strength my mom has. I've always known she's strong but these last three years she's shown great strength and grace. I'm so thankful to have such an amazing mom and I hope I can be like her. Most people think I look like my dad and that I act like him too but I can tell I have a lot of my momma in me and I love it! She's awesome and beautiful inside and out. I've always wanted mom and dad to write their life story because just the stories I've heard are really amazing and a little jaw dropping. So I hope to encourage mom to get these stories down. I know we all take our loved ones for granted and I'm guilty! I've learned through this process what a loving and giving momma I have. I've also realized what a truly amazing husband I have. I don't know how I've been so blessed but I'm blessed beyond measure and so thankful. I want to always be thankful for all that I have and show the ones I love just how much I love and appreciate them!
I'll post the rest of the story over the next few entries.
Trinity
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