My Magical Christmas...

My Magical Christmas

As Christmas is fast approaching I can't help but think about my childhood Christmas experiences...let's just say they were awesome!  This time of year can be so busy and commercialized that we lose focus.  We live in a time with more conveniences yet we're still short on time.  I've been lacking Christmas spirit this year but I will make sure my boys don't know it.  After all isn't that what parents do?  We put aside our feelings for those of our children!

This is me and my first friend, my cousin Tyson.  He left this world way too young and left a huge hole, but almost every childhood memory I have includes him!  Reminds me of that song by Kenny Chesney "Who You'd Be Today"

All I can say is that my parents were amazing at making sure every childhood Christmas memory I have was super and magical.  After visiting with some friends I realized that not everyone has these memories of Christmas...and that makes me sad.  So I have really been thinking back to my childhood Christmas memories and I realize it had little to do with the gifts but with the family and feeling of being surrounded by love.  My earliest memories start when I was probably 5...and this is how I remember it...we would go to my sister's house (my sister is 17 years older) on Christmas Eve and celebrate with food and presents.  I don't remember exactly what food, just that it was always my favorite and that my sister always made sure I was spoiled with her attention!  Notice I said her attention and not stuff!  Then we would camp out on her living room floor and the adults would talk and watch tv until I fell asleep...now this is where it gets fun!  Sometime during the night my parents would wake me up and say it was time to get on the road.  So in my pjs they would load me in the back seat and tell me to hang up my stocking in the window.  My dad would turn on the only radio station that played all night on Christmas and I would hear the announcer tracking Santa.  My parents drove what seemed like forever but was just about 3 hours and some how managed to get me inside my Granny's house still asleep before Christmas morning!  I can't even imagine making that happen with my boys!  Now I think logistics as a parent...packing, timing, driving, keeping things a surprise...my parents were awesome!  Then I would wake up Christmas morning at my Granny's and Santa would have found me there!  Not long after opening Santa gifts the house became grand central.  My dad's sisters and brother and cousins and great grandparents all began showing up for the Christmas Day festivities. I don't remember anything but pure fun!  I'm sure there was tension here and there with that many people and their personalities but all I remember is fun...playing, eating, playing, fun!  I don't remember my Granny's house being too small for the huge crowd!  I remember her tree was awesome and huge...I have that tree now and it seems so small!  It's funny how things seem growing up compared to how they are when you're an adult.

I guess I am just now realizing how magical my childhood was and I'm hoping I pass that on to my boys!  It was magical because of the feelings of love and acceptance and protection not because of what I opened in a package!  I grew up thinking everyone had that kind of childhood and of course now I understand that not many did.  Now I'm going to keep that tradition going for my kids and some day grandkids.  I've already got lots of ideas of how I can make this feeling for my kids and their kids, but one thing I know for sure is that I will be flexible...my parents were always flexible!

A magical Christmas filled with love...and I can't help but hear my dad say, "Live everyday like it's Christmas!"  He really did and had understanding of how fast life goes...so I will do my best to find my magical Christmas and pass it on to my boys...even when it's not how I have planned or things don't go like I think they should!  What better way to live...so here's to "Living everyday like it's Christmas!"  and you know KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Finding My Jolly...

Finding My Jolly

 

As I sit on the couch, feeling the urge to type out my wide range of emotions, my older boys are not far away doing homework and on their phones while the little boys are sound asleep.  Today has been one of those days...full of my range of emotions...which according to the men in my house there's quite a few of them!  I am not saying that I disagree with them either.  It's crazy how I can have the best of days with the worst of days all within a 12 hour period and sometimes it can go back and forth more than once!

This Christmas season I have been a little lacking in the jolly spirit.  I just kinda chopped it up to things being different this year, but this afternoon it hit me.  I was finally getting all the decorations out, thinking to myself...why do I wait to do this?  It's almost too late to even bother!  Why can't I get my act together?  This is the story of my life, always a little late with the best of intentions.  On a side note, anytime I say with the best intentions I can't help but think of my dad always saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions...either do or don't...don't intend!"  So that's going through my head as well as why do I have all this crap if I don't enjoy putting it out?  And why is Christmas so commercialized and why do I fall for it?  Why this and why that?  

After getting my tubs down from the attic, I just stood there with tears falling.  I just happened to look at the pictures I have on the wall (dare I mention that I have more than a ton of pictures & love taking pictures!).  Pictures of times in the past...when my babies were babies...when my world was whole and pure...when I didn't fully understand or appreciate just what I had!  I just stood there crying!  It's like I couldn't get a grip and I was just paralyzed in that moment!  Where had the time gone?  Why had I wasted so much of it?  How can my babies be so old?  I'll never bring a newborn baby home again, that chapter is closed.  Everyone said it'll go by fast but I didn't understand just how fast...now I feel like it's on fast forward and the end of my time with all my boys living under our roof is close to an end.  Because I know when the oldest moves out, it'll never be the same!  Nor should it be...but that doesn't make it any easier.

I finally come out of my crying coma and just sit and stare at the unfinished decorating thinking I gotta get it together and I gotta do it fast!  So now I'm in the middle of what looks like Christmas exploded all over my house.  The little boys are super excited and are anticipating all the jolly that comes with Christmas and I realize that no matter how I'm feeling that they come first!  So yes I put on my big girl panties and got an attitude adjustment...just watching them show their excitement has put things in perspective!  My dad used to say if you listen closely then kids will tell you what you need to hear...I could hear it loud and clear this evening and I'm just thankful that I stopped to listen!

So even if this Christmas is different than any before, I will make it the best I possibly can and live vicariously through my little boys.  I will be thankful for hearing my dad teach me all those life lessons along the way that I'm sure he knew I would need all throughout my life!  Finding the joy in the little things really makes the big things!  Here's to everyone out there trying to find their jolly this Christmas season...KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

The Dance...

The Dance...

I sat next to my husband in the pickup today and my heart just filled with so many thoughts.  I don't know if it was a song on the radio or just purely being next to him while he's doing what he loves but my heart was just full of happiness.  I sat there in the quiet, while he was checking the cattle, and thought about the life we have...where we've been & what all we have done & our 4 boys...so much to be thankful for!  It's only been about 5 years since I quit my job/career to stay home and help on the farm...best decision ever!

As all the memories over the last 20 something years seemed to roll through my mind like a movie I couldn't help but sit there and smile...it kinda reminded me of Garth Brooks song, The Dance.  I loved that song and still do.  It's crazy how a song, smell, place, or even just the feel in the air can bring back memories or take you back in time!  

As the holiday season approaches I have been thinking about my childhood and all the wonderful memories I have...hoping that my boys will have the same type of wonderful memories.  And as awesome as that is, it's equally hard when someone that was apart of all those memories isn't here.  It's been four years since my dad died and moved on to his next journey and it doesn't get any easier! I had people tell me over and over that it'll get better in time...here's the deal it never gets better!  It becomes bearable but not better...you can breathe through the wind being knocked out of you but the wind still gets knocked out of you...you can hold back the tears that come at the most random of times until you are alone and let it all out...you can get up everyday and make the most of it but you still reach for the phone to call them and then realize you can't talk to them.  It doesn't get easier...you learn to live a different way than ever before!

I sat there wishing I could talk to my dad about how great things are and wishing he could see me doing what he encouraged me to do, wishing he could see the boys and all that they're doing, wishing he could see how Gary is doing all the things he's doing these days...most days I can feel his presence but some days it feels as if I'll never feel his presence again...the ever fluid feeling of grief that never goes away!  I know he'd be proud of us and all that we're doing but that still doesn't mean that I don't miss him everyday!

I would've never even thought about quitting my job had it not been for my dad and mom encouraging me...now I think about how much I missed while I was working my career...thankful that I made that scary transition to the unknown...what a wonderful life I have, even without my dad here...his lessons live on and I will do my best to teach them to my boys...and of course KEEP ON KEEPIN ON! 

Farm Life Lessons...

Farm Life Lessons...

Farm life teaches much more than just the day to day chores of making a farm run...and for that reason I'm thankful we get to raise our 4 strong minded, independent boys on the farm.  Who am I kidding I'm thankful to live on the farm and that I quit my job to be out here...even though some days I think to myself what have I done?  It's been 5 years since I quit my career and this ride has been better than I could have ever thought!

I have done things I never thought I could do physically and mentally.  I have learned and learned and learned some more!  I'm still learning...isn't that what life is all about...to continue learning and pushing yourself to do different things outside of what's comfortable?  I now get to watch my boys learn just as I am and it's all because we live this fading lifestyle of farming.  I say it's fading because I never used to understand why my hubby couldn't do the things I wanted him to do because farm life always came first and most of the people I was around didn't understand either.  Thankfully my parents were super supportive of hubby and what he was doing...and they would always kindly remind me of that when I seemed to be complaining of how much my hubby was working!  I can't thank them enough for all their love and encouragement...I have/had the best parents around!  Back to my point...this lifestyle may be fading but I love it and I'm thankful for it!  It has pushed me in ways I never thought possible and it continues to do so almost daily!  I'll need to reread this when I'm out in the snow feeding cattle!!!

I'm still in awe of what it takes to run a farm...more than most would ever even realize!  Seriously!  It's knowing how to do the work, when to buy, when to sell, watching the markets, knowing how to stretch money, knowing how to fix equipment or learning usually when it's time sensitive, it's balancing time and resources, it's keeping great records/books, it's staying up late, getting up early or not ever going to bed to get the crop planted or harvested or taking care of livestock...these are just a few of the high points...seriously there's so much to make a farm run!  I'm constantly learning and I will never fully understand how it all works but I'm gonna enjoy the learning process and keep moving forward.  With that said, I love watching the boys learn farm life and live this fading life...they are learning things some will never learn in a whole lifetime!

Farm life is unbelievably hard but so amazing all at the same time!  I look back and think how grateful I am that my parents not only supported but encouraged me to step outside the box and quit my job to be on the farm with my boys.  I would've missed so much and since life is only one go around I don't want to waste any part of it!  So I'll keep learning and pushing myself and watch my boys do the same all the while having great leadership from hubby...he's pretty amazing!  I watch him manage life, farm, job and think it's only because he grew up on a farm learning, pushing through and never giving in that he has the ability to handle our life and handle it well!  And for that I'm thankful his parents taught him all of these things...they definitely raised the man of my dreams!  Now we have the job to raise these boys God has blessed us with and I might add, it's a full time job!  They may not always like what farm life teaches but they will thank us someday or if we really fail them they can tell their therapist all about it when they're 30! Ha ha ha!

Milestones...

Gentry with Papa Clovis...2011

Milestones...

Today was like any other day since you've been gone...and just like you said...EVERY DAY IS A TRAINING DAY!  Some days are bright sunshine days and some days are dark and gloomy, and everyday I learn something new!

So many milestones have come and gone...we've celebrated and cried and enjoyed, yet there's always something missing...Papa Clovis!  His lack of presence these last few weeks have been tough, to say the least.

Today was Grandparent's Day at Gentry's school and he had a huge cheering section and I couldn't help but smile even though my eyes wanted to water up and let the tears fall.  I just started thinking about all the things that Gentry will miss knowing about my dad, his Papa.  Then I looked at Trevin and he remembers some but not a lot of him...they ask questions about him all the time, which I love!  However, some days it's all I can do to tell them all about their Papa without just having a complete melt down but most days it makes my heart happy to tell them all about him.  It hurts knowing they won't get to do all the things my dad loved to do with the older boys...I mean it hurts like a stabbing pain that just never goes away.  It's been 4 years and it never gets easier...

The pain that comes with grieving is like a fluid substance that is ever moving.  Some days are more intense than others, some days it is pain like after he first died when it is all you can do to breathe, some days it is just a dull lingering pain.  So that saying that my dad had about how "Nothing stays the same forever" is right on!  So I will take each day as my training day and be thankful for it!  And of course KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Tough Days

When your 8 year old asks you tough questions, you take a deep breath, hold back the tears, and tell him the truth!  Some days life throws you big curve balls and they just keep coming.  I refuse to let it bring me down.  This boy of mine asks questions about my dad, his Papa, all the time.  If he doesn't ask questions then he's trying to piece together memories he has with him.  Most days I can answer and talk about my dad just fine.  But some days...it is hard.  I mean the kind of hard that makes your whole body ache and feel sick to your stomach and it seems there is no end in sight!

This made me think about how much my dad was in tune to those he loved.  If I needed extra attention then he gave it...looking back I'm sure he had lots of other things to do but I never knew it...because he put his loved ones first!  This is what being a parent is all about.  I had 2 amazing parents that did this exact thing for me...I thought most people grew up like this but I'm learning that's not the case.  And it's way easier to be consumed with my own list and agenda but I can't help but think about how my dad did with me and my older two boys...so I do what is harder.  I do it, sometimes with tears in my eyes but none the less I do it.

So when Trevin tells me about all the things he used to do with his Papa, I smile and tell him things he doesn't remember.  He looks at me with the most precious eyes and says, "I sure do miss my Papa!  I wish he was still here!"  I smile at him and say, "me too kid, me too!"  as a tear falls from my eye.  I keep it together the best I can.  Then during the dark and still of the night I cry and cry.  My heart hurts, my body hurts, I miss my dad!  It hurts to know that my little boys won't know their Papa like the older boys did...it hurts to know he's not here watching them grow into the amazing young men they are...it hurts not being able to ask him for advice, talk to him, or tell him stories about the boys!  It just hurts...but then after I'm done crying around about it I can hear my dad say, "Enough kid, enough crying around!"  He had a way with words and knew how to encourage...So I sit back and think about all the awesome times we had and all he taught me.  The most important thing he left me with is when he told me to "Keep on living' kid, whatever you do just keep living'!"

The best gift ever...I don't feel guilty about living life and if I'm down I remember what he said and think to myself, "Wow, was he right!"  So I may let a tear fall here and there, I may cry in the night, but I will never feel guilty about living life without him here.  So I must teach that to my boys, because when it's my time to go, I want them to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  And just remember all the fun we had!

We Decide

   We Decide       

This says it all...we decide!  This makes me think of my dad...well a lot of things make me think of my dad but this really hit me.  I saw this the other day on Instagram and I almost burst into tears!  I managed to hold it together, after all I was in a large group of people.  I will never think some woman is completely crazy when she's crying in a crowd for no apparent reason!  Sooner or later it will happen to all of us.  I hope I can show grace at that point because Lord knows I haven't in the past.  But back to my story...we decide!

This has made me think and think hard...and as my dad would say, thinking things through is hard!  It is hard to make decisions about everything from little things to big things that will affect your family's future but you have to and it's important to do a good job.  I think that life changes can be hard and hard to work through, at least from my perspective!  But this post made me think about how the amount of work is the same...it does take just as much energy to be down as it does to be up...so why not choose up?  It's hard, really hard but as my dad used to say, "Life ain't easy kid!"

I have cried many a tear wishing my dad was here for my mom, me, my boys, his mom...missing him everyday.  Watching others take their families for granted and wanting to just scream and yell at them to cherish what you've got!  Then it hit me after reading this that I have a choice...and I'm not gonna live miserable. Period. Not going to do that!  I know life will knock you down but it takes just as much energy to lay there miserable as it does to get up and make the most of it!  So here's to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!