Mom's Night Out...the movie

Mom's Night Out...the movie

Yesterday was my 37th birthday and I pretty much planned my evening.  I knew I couldn't plan my whole day but I decided I was going to plan my evening.  I wanted to get my girlfriends and go to a movie and to be honest I really didn't care what movie.  I just wanted to have adult conversations and eat my own food without sharing and only go to the bathroom when I have to.  It sounds simple and selfish but for this momma of 4 boys, it's a luxury!  It was 5 years ago on my birthday that my dad went to the hospital, and my/our lives were changed forever.  One minute I'm swimming with my boys without a care in the world and the next I'm hoping that my dad will make it...but knowing in my heart that he wouldn't and he would never be the same.  That's kinda hard to grasp when I think about it now and I just needed a little girl time.

So back to the movie with my girlfriends...I had been wanting to go to this old movie theater in the small town about 45 minutes away.  I'd heard how great it was and cheap and the show dogs were just awesome.  I'd plan to go with my boys or hubby and something would always come up and we just never made it happen.  I thought...I'm going for my birthday.  When I checked to see what was playing I couldn't help but think it was meant to be when Mom's Night Out was showing.  I'd seen a few previews for it and thought it'd be funny.  However I never expected it to be so funny yet so close to the truth!  My friend leaned over and said is this a documentary of your life...I laughed and laughed and laughed some more and pee'd my pants just a little!  It was the perfect movie for my girls night out with the perfect company to boot.  I couldn't have planned it any better...if you've seen the movie you'll understand the whole planning thing!  

So here's to my mom blog... feeling completely stressed... lost in this world... questioning if you're doing all the right things for your children and husband... not having a minute to complete your thoughts... well I learned a little something from that movie...we are enough!!!  Yes that's right...WE ARE ENOUGH!  Right where we're at, we are enough!  So to all moms out there...know that and understand that God has a bigger plan and that you are enough right where you are!  This is just what I needed to Keep On Keepin' On! 

Get Over It...

Get Over It...

I've heard this several times since my dad died...It'll take awhile to Get Over It.  Now I'm sure that I've said that to people in the past and had no idea what I was saying and how it felt to them.  I'm learning what not to say!  But you know, until you have lived through certain situations you really don't know how you'd handle it.  Here's what I do know...YOU NEVER GET OVER IT!!!  You simply learn to live a new way of life without them.  I say simply as if it is really simple but it's far from it.

When a person that's loved and gives love dies, they leave a huge empty space that's not only physical but emotional as well.  You notice the physical absence immediately and the emotional absence seems to be harder the longer time goes by.  I grab my phone to call my dad over the littlest of things only to realize I can't talk to him.  Sometimes it's ok and other times it's all I can do not to bust out in tears.  Depending on when this wave of emotion comes over me depends on if I let those tears out.  I seriously never knew how much the wind could get knocked out of me at the most random times.  But the thing that I think about when this happens is...

If you love, live life, make the best of everyday (the good and the bad), and laugh then you are really living life.  And if you're really living life then no matter how long or short your time is on earth, your presence will be missed but you will have left a lasting impression on those around you and that you love.  So in a nutshell...LIFE GOES ON BUT YOU NEVER GET OVER IT!  I'm thinking that I'd rather have had all the great experiences and really lived life than not.  So you know you've got to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Father's Day

This is the 3rd Father's Day card I've bought for my dad since he died...
I can't help but still get him a card and fill it out.  I guess it's my
way of a little therapy.

Father's Day

It's been 2 years since my dad died and this makes the 3rd Father's Day without him...it's still rough!  I miss him!  I miss him everyday!  I still reach for the phone to call him everyday and still think he'll come driving up my road.  I miss him!  To say that it gets easier with time, like I've heard, is completely false in my opinion!  It is just a different way of life now.  And I can hear my dad saying, "You can either make this a great ordeal or a great adventure...don't waste time, kid!  Life's not fair but you've got lots to be thankful for!"  

I can't imagine how hard this way of life would be if my dad hadn't had such an amazing attitude about living and dying while he was here.  When I get down, I can hear him and the way he said things, and I can't help but smile and laugh just a little!  He really had a way with words and loved getting your attention by using a little shock factor, which I tend to do too!  He could light up a room like no other and I miss that!  I miss him!  The boys talk about him everyday and even the little ones talk about him like they knew him as well as the big boys.  It makes my heart happy and sad all at the same time.  I can't believe he's not here to make his mark on the little ones like he did with the big boys or that he's not here to help guide the big boys!  That makes my heart hurt.  I can feel him here but I really miss his presence.  

I just keep thinking about how short life really is and that we're not guaranteed tomorrow, something I think my dad really understood.  I'm guessing spending time in war would make a person have that understanding.  This is one life lesson learned from my dad that I'm so thankful he took the time to teach me.  Now I'm trying to teach it to my boys...Life's not fair and it's too short to sweat the small stuff!  My dad had a way of making even the worst situations good.  I'm a firm believer it's because of  his amazing attitude on life.  So I will try to do just as my dad taught me and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Just A Few Passions...

Why does life get so busy that we can't get to the things that tug at our heart?  Is it because we let society tell us what we have to do and when?  Is it because we're so focused on the day in and day out of life that we forget what really drives us?  I've thought lots about this lately as I haven't made time to do some of the things that I'm passionate about.  Well, now that it's officially summer break for my kiddos I feel like a whole new person!  So back to my passions and what really drives me.

I'm the mom that LOVES her kiddos being home!  I absolutely love love love them at home!  I have fun with them and our entire house feels balanced again.  I want to do all kinds of fun things with the boys and most don't require much except my time.  This is just one of my passions!   Oh, did I mention that I love my boys being home?!

I've been writing and love it...I haven't been blogging but working on a few other projects and that is something I never thought I'd love.  It's crazy how much things change.  My dad used to tell me, "The art of life lies in constant readjustment to your surroundings."  I'm reminded of this often and especially with a house full of boys!

I'm passionate about politics and try to stay up on the happenings of the world.  However, sometimes I get very frustrated and have to take a step back.  But for the most part, I really love my talk radio and learning about the things that will impact my family for years to come.

Something else that tugs at my heart is being healthy.  Notice I didn't say being skinny, but being healthy!  There's a big difference and I want to be healthy.  Let me just say that being healthy takes lots of time and planning.  I'm trying to teach the boys about being healthy and that's hard to do in our society these days.  We seem to live in such a fast paced world that it doesn't matter if it's good for you and that no one should rest.  I aim to teach my boys differently!

What can I say, I have a few passions!  These are just a few and I could list many more but these are the most important to me.  So here's to summer and finding my passions!  I will enjoy every minute of these short two months with my boys and then I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Two years...

Two years...

This month has been full of emotions and I'm doing good to just be upright.  Every activity this time of year reminds me of what I was doing 2 years ago.  I was with my mom and dad as my dad was dying.  It's the weirdest thing how you remember things and forget others.  It's not that this time of year is any harder than any other times of the year but I most definitely remember all that was going on while I was with my parents.  Been two years of finding myself and learning so much and having to grow up but my hubby has been amazing!  I never knew how much love he has for me.

Two years ago I spent about 6 weeks at my parents house, rarely coming home to spend time with my family.  I knew that I was at my parents house because my dad was dying and I was going to help him die the way that he wanted.  I'm so thankful to have had that time with them and been able to do it.  It seems so strange to say my parents house because now it's my mom's house.  There is a different feeling not having both parents, almost like a part of you is gone and will never be the same.  I know things always change but this was one big change that I knew was coming yet I'm still trying to find my way and grasp it all.

Spring is a busy time of year and I was totally focused on my time with my dad that I didn't pay much attention to all that was going on with my family.  I probably should have talked to my big boys a little more about what all was going on but you know hindsight is always 20/20.  I remember having a conversation with my dad about not dying on anyone's birthday.  We both laughed and he said, "Not to worry, kid!"  As if you can control just when you're going to die, but as usual my dad just reassured me that that wouldn't happen.  He had such a way of reassuring me and encouraging me.  I can not even begin to express how much I miss him.

Easter came and went while I was at my parents and I didn't do one thing for my boys.  I remember telling my dad that I hadn't done the boys an Easter basket that year and he just kept telling me that that's not what it's all about!  Over and over he reinforced how it's not about the stuff, and it's all about the time and relationships to build and the life lessons you leave behind.  He had such a way with words!  So guess what, I haven't done another Easter basket yet.  I'm sure my kids will be in therapy when they're adults just to deal with how I failed them during Easter, but guess what...I just keep hearing my dad say, "It's not about the stuff, kid.  It's not about the stuff!"  However, I am thankful that my mother in law always takes the time to make the boys some goodie bags.

So it's almost been 2 years, some ways it doesn't seem like it's been that long and other ways it still doesn't seem real!  I grab my phone to call my dad EVERYDAY!  I think he will drive up anytime to just drop by.  I don't know what I expected with the death of my dad, but I didn't expect to have the wind knocked out of me at the most unexpected times.  I didn't expect to pick up the phone to call him everyday or that I'd have such a hard time KEEPIN' ON

, but oh well life is not what you expect.  Everyday is a training day for the next and I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON...

Trinity

All Those Feelings...

Could life get any better than this?

All Those Feelings...


I love pictures, just ask my family.  I take pictures all the time and usually drive them crazy but I don't care.  I love them and love looking back at them.  Just looking at them takes me back to that moment in time and it's the most amazing feeling.  So I've always got my phone out and sometimes the big camera because I don't want to miss anything.

I took this the other night when I went in to check on the boys and it completely melted my heart.  For a number of reasons,
1.  They're growing up too fast!
2.  They love each other!                                                                                      3.  Where has all this time gone?

These little babies that once needed me for everything now are growing into young boys and men and I couldn't be more proud.  However, I do think about my dad and wish he was here to see it all and help guide me with these precious souls and that he'd be super proud of them too.  And this reminds me of a funny story...

My older two boys were busy with dad, as it should be, on a Saturday afternoon. (We only had two at the time.)  I usually worked a lot but that Saturday I was finished early and it hit me hard that these boys that had been attached to me were no longer.  So I did what I usually did...called my dad.  Well by the time I dialed and he answered, I'm in a full blown melt down and he's laughing because he can't understand a thing I'm saying.  I'm going on and on about how the boys don't need or want me anymore and what was I suppose to do now.  I am blubbering and carrying on, like I can do! ;)  And my dad is laughing and saying, "Kid, they're doing what they're suppose to be doing.  It'll all be alright and you've got to enjoy what you've got because they're only going to keep growing and in the blink of an eye they'll be leaving home, just as it should be, to build a life that you've taught them how to do.  So just enjoy the messes now."  He tells me this and is still laughing at my emotional state.  I talk to my mom, who is way more sympathetic,  and she reassures me in only a way that mommas can that it will all be ok.  I hung up the phone still upset, lost, and sad...so I picked myself up and went to an afternoon movie all by myself.  I remember it was suppose to be funny (The Tooth Fairy) and I just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks with so many emotions running through me.  I laugh every time that movie is on now and think about my conversation with my mom and dad and all those feelings that I had.

My boys are growing up and becoming amazing young boys and young men and I'm enjoying everyday and all the good, bad, and ugly that comes with it.  I love that my parents took time to listen and talk to me about what I was feeling and I hope that I will do that with my boys as they grow up and leave home and spread their wings and fly.  You know...I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Swirling....1,2,3,4

     Life can sure be funny.  Sometimes just when I think I'm getting in my groove and things are going well, out of nowhere comes a big truck and just almost runs me over!  You know it doesn't just take you out but just catches you so off guard that you're left swirling around trying to get a grip and then another truck comes and sends you swirling in another direction.  This happened to me a few weeks ago and it feels like I'm just now standing up straight and able to focus.  Life with 4 boys on the farm and the day to day chaos that it brings has kept me from making time for me to do my writing therapy and I can feel it.  I never knew that pouring out my heart and soul on "paper" could make me feel so much better!

     #1....Life's not fair so "Suck It Up Buttercup"....  My dad used to tell me this all the time and now I tell myself this everyday as well as my 4 boys!  Except I really wish that my dad was the one telling me, I wish he was here.  I miss him!  Now I have to be the one and most days I'm ok with that but some days I want to say screw it, go to bed, and wake up the next day with a whole new attitude but I can't.  So I just "Suck It Up" and make the most of what today brings.

     #2....Being a parent is the hardest gig ever! ....  I want so much for my children, not material things but life lessons and experiences.  I don't want to always have to be responsible or discipline but that's part of being a parent.  My heart breaks when my child struggles or they're heartbroken and it's unbelievable pain but I refuse to swoop in and fix everything for them because as hard as it is for me to watch, I know it'll be at least 10x harder on them later if I don't let them grow and learn how to handle things in life that come their way.  Seriously being a parent...hardest gig ever!

     #3....Best high you can get and money can't buy it....  Being a parent is the best high ever and you can't buy it with money.  The hugs, kisses, smiles, cuddles, questions of why, the everything about being a parent is AMAZING!  Knowing that it won't last forever, takes my breath away!  I want it to last and I want to remember it all and know that I lived it all and embraced it all!  Everyday I wake up and think that I have so much to teach and train the boys before they go off into this big old world and make their own way and I'm filled with excitement, sadness, and anxious all at the same time!  I just need it to slow down just a little but since I can't make that happen, I just hold on and savor every part like it was the best meal I've ever eaten.

     #4....There is evil in this world....  I have to deal with and I must teach my boys so they'll be armed to deal with the evil that will face them when I'm no longer in arms reach to protect them.  Teaching my boys about the evil is in no way fun but it must be done!

     This is just a little glimpse of what I've been dealing with.  Behind each of these titles is a story but I didn't have time to write them...so this will have to do for now.  I know we all have battles and struggles that we face everyday and that we all make a choice to let it rule us or that we will rule it...I miss my dad to help me and talk me through the day to day struggles of living life but I have much work to do to teach my boys all that I must...so you know I'll Keep On Keepin' On!

Trinity