She LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY...

She LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY...

Went to a funeral the other day and it's odd how much just going to another one brings back memories from my dad's.  You know the awkward silence and not knowing what to say because it doesn't really matter what you say, the pain is raw.  I've never felt pain like I felt when my dad died.  It fades but it's always there and you will never be the same.  Life goes on and you must live life but sometimes it's easier said than done.  I think that's why my dad kept telling me to "Just keep livin' kid, just live life!"  

As I sat on the pew, surrounded by extended family, I listened to the preacher talk about how this woman was the glue that held the family together.  It gave me chills only because it speaks truth in many ways.  Have you ever noticed how things change when someone dies?  It's like that person kept everyone on even keel and now a new normal must be found.  A new normal, seriously whatever is normal!  Things will never be normal again.  I didn't know or understand how hard it is when someone dies and sometimes I still don't.  Everyone's situation is different and unique and no one could possibly begin to understand another's.  However this can be said about all aspects of life.  No one can feel your joy, excitement, anticipation, happiness.  When I stop and think about that I'm in awe!  It's amazing that we all get to have our own life experiences and how we handle them and walk through this journey of life is all how we want to do it.  You can choose to find the worst in your situation because  I'm sure there are others that have it way worse or you can choose to find the good in the worst of situations and really LIVE LIFE!  

My dad always used to say that you've got to go through tough times to be able to appreciate the good times.  I never really stopped to appreciate things before my dad died but now I do.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow so I'm trying to make the best of everyday, no matter what the day brings.  We only get to go around this world once and I want it to be said at my funeral that she LIVED LIFE EVERYDAY!  It's funny how my dad is still teaching me life lessons and he's not physically here doing it.  I'm super thankful for the amazing parents that God blessed me with and hope that I can be like them.  And you know….I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Do Not Let Fear Rule You...

It's been a rough few days...my youngest has been sick as well as my oldest.  Nothing serious but enough to make a call to the doc.  So let me explain why it's so rough on this momma.  I feel like I'm a first time parent with my 4th child!  I know that makes no sense so let me explain...my dad always helped me with the boys from the very beginning.  So at times when I'd be on the verge of freaking out, dad would always be there to bring me comfort and keep me grounded.  This week has pushed me and tested me but I'm stronger for it...but I still miss my dad!  Hubby did awesome this week, not only dealing with the sick kiddos but dealing with this momma (that may have been just a little on the emotional side!).  So thankful for him! 

This is just one of the many stories my dad used to tell about my parenting...he'd belly laugh every time he told it!  My oldest was about 2 and he fell off the dining room chair and hit his head on the baseboard.  I immediately picked him up to cuddle him and realized that blood is gushing from his head. You must know that my interpretation is overdramatic as my dad would say.  Now being a first time momma, I didn't know that heads bleed easily!  So I begin to panic and I put a dishtowel on his forehead and picked up my phone to call my dad.  I often wonder if the convenience of cell phones has made us less apt to take care of things on our own.  By the time I talk to my dad on the phone, I'm crying!  Yes, I know it's silly but that's where I was at that time.  I've come a long way!  So I'm talking to dad on the phone and by this time Garrin has stopped crying but I insist that he needs to go to the ER.  My dad said,"Whoa, kid!  No ER!  He's fine.  Let's clean it and put some super glue on it."  I can't begin to explain my response...seriously you want to put super glue on my baby!?!  Oh I don't think so!  Now let me stop at this point to say that I keep lots of super glue on hand with 4 boys!  It's way better than a band aid.  This is where my dad would laugh that deep belly laugh as only he could do.  So needless to say, we didn't go to the ER.  But we did go to the dr. office and the dr. trying to keep me happy said he could put a few stitches in.  Dad tried to tell me no but I wouldn't listen.  My baby was going to get his little head sewed up.  Now by this time I had just put a band aid on it and he was back to being a 2 year old boy.  I can still remember the pit in my stomach and all my nerves on edge.  So this is where it gets really good...we go back to get the stitches and I'm doing pretty good until it comes time to hold him down.  Well hello, I'm about to loose it all together.  I got that hot cold feeling and felt like I was going to pass out.  I went to the bathroom and cried and cried while I left my dad to hold him down while the doc put in about 3 stitches.  Yes that's right 3!  So after I regain my composure and we leave the dr. office my dad gave me a piece of his mind.  I got a good talking to if you know what I mean.    My dad had a way of getting through to me and we could hash things out and all would be well in the end.  So I listened to him and cried a little more, then I dried it up and realized he was right.

Now that's not the best part of this story...
Sometime during the night my sweet little boy pulled out his stitches!  Yes that's right he pulled them out without crying or fussing.  So guess what?  I put super glue on that sweet little boy and all was well!  And then it all became clear, all the things my dad was teaching me.  It's funny because it's all becoming clear now too!  I guess life is funny that way.  I can still hear my dad telling me that during times of crisis, no matter how big or small or how long it lasts, that you've got to keep it together and be able to make good decisions and absolutely DO NOT LET FEAR RULE YOU!  If you let fear in, it will take hold and rule you.  So no matter how hard the situation is you must stay strong and after it's all over with you can lose it then!  You can cry, scream, punch on the bag, have a drink or two, whatever but you do it after the fact and never during!  Good thing I learned those lessons with little things because I had the strength to handle the end with my dad without fear.  But here I am, a year and a half later and I still find myself having times of crying, screaming, punching the bag, and having a drink (not 2 because I'm a lightweight!) and I wonder if I'll find a new normal.  Oh well who wants to be normal anyway...how boring!  It's funny how I'm still learning from dad even though he's not here physically.  So you know I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

18 Years

18 Years...

I'm a mom of 4 boys, yes that's right all boys!  I love it and thankful to have this opportunity to be the best mom I can be but that's not where I'm going with this...I just keep thinking about something my dad told me numerous times about having boys.  He said,"Kid, you only have these boys for 18 years!  They will grow up and if you raise them right then they'll be independent (he really meant independent of me!) strong and strong willed."  He went on to say that it's my job to teach & train them to be productive citizens of society and that I've got until they're 18 years old to do it.  In his opinion by the time a young man is 18, which is old enough to fight and die for this country, then he's grown and better be able to do for himself.  He stressed how important this is and that I must work hard and enjoy these 18 years because they'll go by super fast.

Now that I officially have a teenager it's really hit me that my dad was right...once again!  I've only got 5 years left with my oldest and I still have so much work to do.  To say that panic mode has hit is an understatement!  I need and want to do so much with my boys and time is going way faster than I can keep up with.  I've recently realized that after they graduate high school my 18 years with them is up.  They'll go off to college, as they should!  They'll date, make mistakes, try to find themselves, figure out what they want to do with their life, get married, have kids...live life...as they should!  I just used typical examples here, I know there are many other possibilities!  After I've had the blessing of raising them for 18 years I can only hope that they'll allow me to be apart of their lives.  Sometimes I'm so hard on them now that I'm thinking I'll never see them after they leave home because they'll be in therapy for their terrible childhood!  Oh well, all I can say is that I did the best I could, at that time, with the knowledge I had and that I loved them with all my soul!  So if they need therapy for all of that, so be it.  

I pray and hope that they'll bless me with the opportunity to be a part of their lives after my 18 years is up but if not then I will be thankful for the 18 years I had!  So I've got lots to do and very little time to do it in but I'm going to enjoy this crazy ride because it all goes by way too fast not to!  I will teach them to be independent of me and only pray that I will get to watch what amazing young men they will grow to be.  I remember my dad telling me many many times that this parenting gig ain't easy or for the weak and I'm a firm believer that he was right!  Parenting ain't easy...it's the hardest job I've ever had but the most rewarding and best job I've ever had!  Thanks dad for preparing me from the get go to go on without you...somedays are better than others but that's what makes the ride great.  I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Things can always be worse...

     I've been busy working on a book idea and I've come to a stand still...I will finish it!  I think why am I doing this and no one will read it and then I think oh yes they'll read it and it'll help someone else.  So for the moment I'm fighting an inner battle...which is something it seems I do a lot.  Oh well, it could always be worse!  So I thought I'd get back to my blog, since this is how I started writing to begin with.

     Ever ask someone how they're doing when in all actuality you really didn't care?  Well I think we are all guilty of it.  I mean really who wants to hear about someone's body functions or how bad things are...they can always be worse, ALWAYS!  My parents always told me that things could always be worse, so stop whining around and feeling sorry for yourself.  I find myself thinking this often when talking with others and some say I don't have much compassion.  Maybe I don't, but I think I have some!  With all of that let me begin...

...Some one asked me the other day, "How are you doing?  You seem to be doing good since your dad passed away!"  And the bubble above my head said so much but I just smiled and said, "Good and yes, I don't have time to be anything but good!"  As I walked off to continue my day I couldn't help but think of so many things that I want to say...

     First of all, I wanted to say how dare you judge me for doing so good since my dad "passed away"! You don't even know me or what I'm feeling, just because I don't walk around showing my emotions all over my face (trust me I have lots of emotions...you should feel for my husband!) I must be doing good...Seriously???  I really wanted to correct them and say since my dad died...I really don't like the whole PC term passed away...he died.  Then I wanted to explain that I've got 4 boys that I've got to stay strong for and that I've got about 15 minutes in the shower to let all my emotions out and then I'd better be ready for all that they bring my way.  Trust me, 4 boys can bring a lot of things my way...I'm always on guard and if I'm not and I show any kind of weakness, they gang up and go in for the kill.  I wouldn't expect any different from boys and I'm glad that they keep me on my toes but somedays I just want to stay in bed and not deal with anything!  Yes that's right, I want to stay in bed and not deal with it.  Then I can hear my dad telling me, "Suck it up, buttercup!  Life ain't easy and the only easy day was yesterday.  Now put on your big girl panties because it could always be worse and just remember that nothing stays the same forever!"  I just stop and smile when I think of him telling me all of that and I'm thankful for him and realize how much I miss him.  It's like the wind is knocked out of me all over again only this time I can see it coming but I can't stop it.  I wonder if it will ever stop.  I don't know if I want it to.  Weird I know but it's the truth!

     Then I want to tell them that my dad told me to keep on living!  He told me over and over again during his last weeks here on earth but also many times growing up.  I remember him telling me that no one lives forever and that life goes on, as it should kid.  I wanted to tell them that I sat and listened to my dad tell me how to keep on living life while his life was ending and that I listened without shedding tears because he didn't want any crying around.  Have you ever had to listen to news and know that things would never be the same again, with the ache in your heart and queasy in your gut, but not let any of that show because you didn't want the other person to be sad or feel bad?  Well, let me just say that it's not easy!  Not easy at all, but I did it and I'd do it all over again.  But that doesn't mean that I'm good since my dad died.  I won't ever be the same!  Things always change but sometimes some things change us.

     I am good but only because my dad made me promise to get up everyday and give hubby and the boys my best.  Some days I succeed and others, well let's just say that I made it through and I wasn't in bed!  God has shown me many wonderful things during this process and I'm still learning.  I hope I'm always learning.  You know...just got to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

It's Way More Than Driving A Tractor!

Farming is a family thing for sure.  For many reasons...it takes everyone on board to make the farming operation go...there's just something about teaching the next generation all about what the previous has taught and taking that and adding to it...it's really something to watch.  I say that because I didn't grow up on a farm but I've watched my husband over the last 20 years and it's really something.  And until recently I worked a full time job away from the farm so now I can see so many wonderful things.

I've missed so much because I was working full time The other day when I was helping my husband move tractors to the next field.  He and his dad were talking about how the ground was working and what field to work next and so on and so forth.  I just paused in my car for a moment and realized, what and amazing life!  I then thought of my dad and how much he encouraged me to focus on the farm and my boys and I'm so thankful!  I'm thankful that I listened to him while he was still here (even though he still talks to me often from the other side!) and I'm thankful that my husband loves me being out here and trying to help on the farm.  Although I think I provide much humor for him and my big boys!  But hey I'm trying and doing things I never thought I'd do and that's an accomplishment in itself.  So thanks to my dad for pushing me to make big changes.  I hope that I'm an example to my sons that you can do anything!  I miss my dad everyday and somedays are harder than others but so thankful for the time I had with him.  And you know I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Burn Notice

     It's crazy how the littlest things can bring back a memory.  You never know when & where it'll happen.  Sometimes I feel like it's a ticking time bomb that's just waiting to blow and most of the time I love having the memories that brings me joy and love.  So not a day, usually not an hour goes by that I don't think of my dad in some way shape or form.  Most of the time it brings a smile to my face along with a good laugh.  My dad was a character and would say things just for the shock factor.  I find myself doing that now and I'm not sure if it's because he's not here to do it or because I miss that honest, to the point, make you laugh characteristic of his.  Either way, I am certain we all act like our parents over time and I'm thankful for that because I'm proud of my parents and happy to act like them.

     So a few days back I got this email from Netflix about Season 6 of Burn Notice coming out and it was all I could do not to break down bawling.  I started shaking and felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and I couldn't catch my breath.  All from a random email.  Let me explain...my dad and my big boys would have what we called "boys night".  This entailed watching the tv show Burn Notice, grilling steaks, drinking root beer while my dad taught them all the things every boy should know.  No girls were allowed, so if I wasn't working I had to stay in my bedroom and leave the guys alone.  I loved being locked up in my room and listening to their conversations and hearing the laughter.  I can't tell you what I'd give to have that back.  It's so bittersweet.  I love thinking about those awesome memories but I hate it that it can never be like that again and that Trevin and Gentry will never know what "boys night" was like with Papa.  Garrin and Ryler have said they'll have "boys night" with the little brothers and teach them all the awesome things that Papa taught them.  They already teach the little ones just like my dad did and that makes my heart happy.  Some days I just want him back so bad.  Now after they grilled, the grilling out was a whole process in itself, and watched Burn Notice then they'd set up the air mattress in the living room and start to get settled in for the night. My dad would sleep with them on the air mattress.  He didn't seem to mind the legs in the face, an occasional wet bed, or an air mattress that never stay inflated the entire night.  What a Papa!  The next morning they'd get up and my dad would show me how to fix breakfast.  He was awesome in the kitchen!  Then he'd head home and sometimes I'd look around at the mess in my house and think wow!  They could really make a mess but oh the memories they made!  You can't possibly know the amazing memories unless you were there.  As dad would leave he'd ask the boys if they wanted to do it again next Friday and the answer was always YES!  Later on when the boys weren't around dad would always tell me how he's going to take advantage anytime the boys want to spend with him because it won't be long til they'll outgrow me.  I thought there's no way they'll ever outgrow Papa.  I was right!

     So we will continue the tradition of "boys night" and teach Trevin & Gentry all about their awesome Papa.  I'm so thankful for all that my dad has taught me and what he continues to teach me even though he's not here physically.  I will ride the waves of hurt with the strength that my dad taught me to have and I will ride the waves of joy and embrace every minute of it all!  After all you can't have the amazingly great times without the hard times.  You know we must KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity  
   

Conquer the world...

I just keep on learning...

Life is all about learning and at times I feel like I'm just starting out in life and other times I feel like oh yeah I've got this.  I guess that's a good thing because you know nothing stays the same forever!  So here's what I learned yesterday...

I had the opportunity to help with a junior Black Belt Test and it was an awesome experience.  From a parent perspective it's amazing to see a child (these kiddos are junior high age) understand and be able to defend themselves in high adrenal stress situations against people of all ages, sizes, and abilities.  During this test I was just helping (sparring, holding pads, ground fighting, & cheering them on) but wow did I learn so much.  It's a great feeling to help someone, yes I already knew that one!  However, this kind of help is completely different.  

I couldn't help but think about my dad last night.  He was always helping others reach their goals.  He constantly encouraged everyone around him in only ways that he could.  My dad had the ability to make you feel like you could conquer the world with the ability you had within you.  I've met many people that have told me or messaged me about how much my dad influenced their lives and encouraged them in a time when no one believed in them.  Growing up with my dad, I've always felt like I could conquer the world and to be real honest I took that for granted.  Trust me, I don't take that for granted now!  I want my boys to have that same feeling that my dad blessed me with and now I want others to have