Sunsets

     Love the Oklahoma sunsets!  My dad always loved the sunsets and sunrises.  He told me over and over again how important it was to stop and take it in.  He said, "Even if it's just for a few minutes, stop and look at the beauty because you'll only get a chance to see so many."  At times I'd think yeah, yeah, ok dad but as time goes on I realize more and more of what he was talking about.  I still think that his experience in Vietnam had a huge impact on his outlook on life.  He told me "Kid, you don't go into war and see the things war brings and not be right with God!"  I think about that often and how he was always telling me to stop and watch the sunset.  Just knowing that nothing stays the same forever and that you must enjoy the right now!  There's no guarantee of tomorrow!  When you really stop and think about how true this is, it can take your breath away!

     My dad could find the happy in the everyday tasks and even til his death, he was always finding the happy.  I love that and I want to be like that...HAPPY!  I think it takes constant effort to find the HAPPY.  It seems our society/world tends to focus on the down side of life and the negative but I refuse to let that take my HAPPY!  Sometimes I feel guilty for living life and having fun because my dad is not here but I can feel him and know that I'm making him proud.  I just keep remembering what he told me, "Just keep on living kid, keep on living!"  So I stop and look at the sunsets and take a few pics knowing that I'm making my dad proud.  I miss him more and more as time goes on but knowing he gave me all the skills to keep on living is the best gift I could've ever asked for!  Now that is what I focus on giving my boys, the ability to keep on living after I die.  I strongly believe this is the most important lesson a parent can give a child.

     Enjoy the sunset...keep on living...teach my boys the important life lessons...and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

   

A year later...

A year later...


          It's been a little over a year since my hero moved on from this earth to his next journey.  I don't feel much different than I did a year ago, I still pick up the phone to call my dad only to realize that I can't!  I still think I hear him coming in the drive and honestly I keep thinking he's gone on a job and will be home soon.  Then I stop and think and realize nope, he's not coming back.  And my breath is taken away all over again.  The pain floods my body and tears start to well up and then the boys bring me back to reality and I pull myself together.  And the few things that keep me going in the right direction are my faith and remembering that my dad told me to keep on living.

     Watching my dad die brings a new perspective to life.  I never have been one that cared too much about what others are doing or what others have, I pretty much march to the beat of my own drum.  But after watching his journey on earth end, I really don't care what others think, do, or have and I'm even more outspoken than before!  I realize that life's circumstances affect everyone in many ways and I have gained a new understanding for how others deal with their circumstances.  I am definitely a Live and Let Live kind of girl.  It's hard to imagine how life's circumstances will change you or how you will handle whatever comes your way but I've learned there's one certain in life and that is CHANGE!  Things will always change, always.

     This has been a year of firsts without my dad but then when you really stop and think about things, isn't everyday a day of firsts?  There will never be another today, so I firmly believe that we should all live everyday to the fullest.  Now I don't get all worked up over the things that I used to, now don't get me wrong, I'm still very passionate about many many things.  However, I do try to embrace what I can and go with the flow more than I ever have and I'm thankful to learn this and to keep learning!  Life's hard and most certainly not fair (that's something my dad taught me!) but it's the most amazing ride and even better if you'll stop and enjoy the in's and out's of everyday life.  At times I find myself cranky about little things and I can hear and feel my dad saying, "Enjoy it, kid!  It won't last forever so make the most of it right now!"  He told me that many many times and I'd understand for just a little while but  now it really sticks and I'm so thankful for these life lessons!

     I will never forget my dad telling me to "keep on living, kid, keep on living!"  He told me that the day I went to check on him and realized his eyes were yellow and that he was coming near the end of his journey here.  I look back on those words and I'm so thankful that he had the strength to give me that gift!  So I will "KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!"

Trinity

Dumbing down America!

This is a real warning label! 

DUMBING DOWN AMERICA...

     I can't even begin to express my frustration with this!  I really don't know why it bothers me so, but it does!  I wish I could just let stuff like this go but I just can't wrap my mind around this.  I wonder if no one else notices or cares that our country is being dumbed down faster than going through the drive through at McD's.  I'm a little bit of a conspiracy theory person, ok ok maybe a big conspiracy theory  person.  I wish sometimes I could live in what I like to call "the bubble" but once you know something you can't un-know it.  My dad used to say that thinking was hard, I didn't really understand exactly what he meant but it's becoming more and more clear.

     Did you ever stop to think that the marketing people are doing a great job at keeping us so focused on buying or getting more stuff that we stop thinking for ourselves?  It's all about whatever sells...basically it's all about the money!  Yes that's right, it's all about the money!  So we've become so worried about making the buck that we can no longer think for ourselves?  We are too busy working at a job that we probably don't really like to make the buck to buy the crap that we really don't need and it's a vicious cycle.  We have become the hamster on the wheel going round and round.  Why?  Why have we allowed this to happen and why do we allow it to keep happening?

     So this little card, that someone had to write and proof and print, is job justification for someone.  We have become a society that has to have warning labels on everything!  Why?  Because we might get hurt?  Because we might get sued?  Or because we might have to actually think!  Oh my, thinking for yourself...now that's a novel concept!  This is just the beginning of Dumbing Down America and I'm afraid that it's going at warp speed.  Warning labels...really?  I'll stop there because I can go on and on and on...this is where you should feel sorry for my hubby for having to listen to me go on and on and on!

Trinity

Parenting...toughest job ever!

Boys new phones...at least til school's out!

Parenting...toughest job ever!

Why is it so hard to be a good parent?  I thought the hard part of parenting was when they were little.  I was wrong...it's all hard.  Well, I guess it's only hard if you do what really needs to be done.  I can remember my parents telling me that what ever my punishment was, was way harder on them than on me.  I was thinking to myself, yea right!  Well now that I'm the parent, I think once again they were right!

The big boys have had a year of adjustments to say the least.  It's almost been a year since my dad, their Papa, died.  He was their babysitter from the very beginning and was their number one fan but also was hard on them too.  We homeschooled for the first nine weeks or so before starting at public school and last year they'd been at the private christian school.  So they've had quite an adjustment to add to their day to day lives.  We've tried to be understanding about all these changes but there comes a time when you just have to suck it up and deal with it.  My dad used to tell me this a lot, "Suck it up, buttercup!"  

So this is the boys first real dose of "Suck it up, buttercup!"  They didn't do anything just terrible or wrong but you know when things aren't going the direction you're trying to keep them going then something has to be done.  I know every parent thinks their child is the best and I'm really no different.  The boys had been slacking, not doing their best work at school (as in they've barely cracked a book!), not doing their chores the first time they were told, and kinda just taking on a lazy attitude.  We had put up with it long enough and I knew something had to get their attention.  So I went to the Wal-Mart and bought 2 go phones and sat out to get their attention!  

They woke up last Friday morning to a new world, one without their iPhone!  I tied bows on them and wrote them a note.  I wanted the element of surprise to get their attention and I got it!  I thought to myself, finally I'm getting their attention!  But man oh man was it so hard to do and watch.  I wanted to make it all better and give them back their iPhones but I knew that would be a huge step in the wrong direction.  I had to take a stand on what our family is all about and it had to be firm!  So with a smile on my face and a little bit of laughing, I stayed the course and stayed strong all the while thinking some day they'll thank me.  And if not then we can go to therapy together when they're 30!

So as the boys are loading up to go to school I ask them if they have their phones and my oldest says, "No, not taking it!"  Oh that was the icing on the cake for this momma!  I began to spit words out as fast as I could explaining that his phone is for MY convenience not HIS!  How dare you to be so ungrateful for all that you've been given.  Then I hugged him even though he was fuming mad at me and told him just how much I loved him.  My heart was breaking even though I knew I was doing the right thing!

Why is it so hard to do the right thing?  Why?  Well I don't know but I'm standing my ground.  Praying that we are making the right decisions and being the uncool parent...yup that's us and we are proud of it!  So I've decided that being a parent is the hardest job ever but so worth it.  I've been given the responsibility to mold and shape these boys into men and productive citizens of society, ones that can live on their own without me, stand up for what they believe in, and be awesome husbands and daddys.  This is not to be taken lightly and I will do whatever it takes! 

Trinity 

Learning more...

     I'm learning more and more each day, after all everyday is a training day!  At least that's what my dad taught me, that everyday is a training day.  In some way, shape, or form we all learn something everyday.  Now what we do with what we learn is left up to us as individuals.  I've decided that I want to use whatever it is I learn everyday for the betterment of me and my family.  With that thought process, I realize that this isn't the easy road!  Sometimes I wish I could go with the easy road because it's exhausting to stand for what you know is right.  At times I feel like I can't keep fighting for what I know in my heart and soul to be right but giving in is NOT an option.  I couldn't live with myself if I gave in just because it was easier.  I can hear my dad, "Suck it up buttercup!" So I will because that's what a daddy's girl does!

     I've come to the realization that not everyone can or will stand up for their beliefs.  I don't understand this and believe me I've tried!  So here's my thoughts...if you love someone, be it your family or friend, then you love all of them.  You don't just love them when it's convenient for you or when they believe or think like you, you love them for who they are.  What I don't understand is that most people don't feel like they can be who they really are for fear of hurting someone's feelings.  Really!?  Have we become a society so worried about hurting someone's feelings that we will sway whatever direction to make them feel more comfortable?  It seems to be more and more that way.  Well let me just say that's not me!!!  If you're my family or friend then I'll love you for who you are, not for who I want or think you should be.  My dad told me on more than one occasion that if I didn't agree with him, then he'd done his job as my parent to teach me to be an independent thinker and not be a sheep!  So why do I keep fighting the good fight?  Sometimes I wonder but I can tell you this much...I KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON because that's one of the amazing life lessons that my dad taught me and I must teach that to my 4 boys!

     I will teach them to be independent thinkers and then kick myself when they grow up and don't think just like me!  I will teach them to love those that are close to them no matter what their differences may be and I will teach them to have a "set"!  This is a whole other post about having a "set"...by this I mean teaching my boys to be men, real men.  I'll stop there and write about that later because I could go on and on about this topic!  But most important I will teach them by my actions to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Strength!

     Last year this week my life as well as my entire family's life was changing.  If you really stop and think about it though, aren't our lives always changing?  I mean nothing really stays the same forever, nothing!  Time keeps going no matter how much we try to slow it down or stop it just for a little while. So why do we think things will never change?  I can remember thinking my babies would sleep with us forever, I'll always be friends with so and so, I'll always have my family and our health but we all know that's not true.  So I wonder why it's so hard to change or accept change?  I'm sure everyone deals with change in their own way and I'm learning to handle change in my own way.

     It was the Monday after Spring Break and I had just dropped off the older boys for school.  I usually call my dad after I drop them off but that particular day I decided to go see mom & dad.  They live about 20 minutes away and Trevin & Gentry were still in their pj's but I just had this notion to drive and actually see my parents.  On our way Trevin asks where are we going and I tell him to see O'ma and Papa.  He said, "Good deal because that devil has been kicking Papa all night, all night momma!"  I said, "Oh really!"  I was shocked to hear him say that and knew in the pit of my stomach that he was right.  So on our way we prayed for Papa and enjoyed our drive.  I called about 5 minutes outside of town to let them know we were almost there!  I could hear relief in my mom's voice but didn't understand why.

     We walk in and my dad is sitting leaned up against the couch on the magnet mattress on the floor and I just wanted to cry.  I didn't just want to cry, I wanted to scream and cry, I wanted my dad to give me a hug and tell me everything's going to be alright but I knew this was not a time for things to be about me and my feelings.  Trevin went with my mom to the kitchen and I sat down on the magnet bed on the floor next to my dad and we began to talk.  He was asking all about the boys as usual and I finally changed the subject to him.  I asked him how he was doing and he was like, "Oh good, just had a rough night!"  I looked him in the eyes and said, "Dad, your eyes are yellow!"  And what he said next shows more strength than I will ever know.  He said, "Yes, I know kid!  This is IT!"  I wanted to freeze, run away, change what was really happening but I didn't.  I said, "Ok, dad what do you want me to do?"  I was totally not prepared to hear what he said next.  He said, "Be here when you can but other than that just keep on living kid, just keep on living!"  I said, "Ok, really what do you want me to do?"  He said again, "Keep on living!"  I asked him if he wanted to see the boys and I already knew his answer, NO!  He'd said all along that he didn't want the boys to see him "go down for the count".  So of course out of respect for my dad, the boys never saw him again.  Thankfully my mother in law stepped in and took care of Trevin, Ryler, and Garrin and Gary for about six weeks without hesitation.  I don't know what I would've done without her!  So the last time they saw him was when he came out to see them over Spring Break and then they went home and stayed with him and O'ma for 3 days.  In some regard I feel like that was the best and in others I don't but that's the way it was!

     I think about the strength it took for my dad to know that it was coming to an end and still have a smile on his face and be encouraging to others.  I mean, WOW!  I don't know if I'd be able to handle it like that.  He showed more strength as time went on and when I think back on different things in my life, I realize he showed strength more times than not.  But for as much strength as my dad showed my mom showed more!  She's an amazing woman in so many ways that I'll never know.  I knew dad was never the same after his heart surgery but I never knew just how much things were different for my mom.  Dad never slept through the night after he came home from the hospital and had terrible pain, and my mom slept on the couch next to him and was up and down during the nights with him.  She could've sunk into a deep depression but she didn't!  She kept on going, no matter how hard it was or how she was feeling.  She became caretaker for dad and taking care of everything else as well.  She didn't leave him for more than a couple of hours and never complained!  I never even really knew just what all she was going through but now I realize she had strength just like my dad!  I really don't know how she did it!  Like I said, she's an amazing woman!  I love that I'm like her in more ways as time goes on.

     I was blessed with two AMAZING parents!  I have felt unconditional love, seen physical, emotional, and spiritual strength, and watched two people love each other with passion that movies only try to portray.  To say I've been blessed is an understatement!  I've had the best of the best and I will teach my boys all about these two amazing people and all that they've done for me.  So with that being said, I WILL KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON because that's what I've witnessed!

Trinity

Speaking the truth...hearing the truth

Trevin, Papa Clovis, & Gentry

How do you comfort and encourage your child when they're hurting?  This is something that I never want to deal with but life's not always about what we want!  I'm learning that with one of the toughest life lessons I've had thus far.  Let me just say that it's hard no matter how you look at it and that you just have to grin and bear it because life goes on!  

A few weeks ago, it's taken me this long to be able to write about it, Ryler (2nd born, 9 years old) woke up and couldn't stop crying.  He was really trying to get himself ready for the day but just kept crying.  I had a feeling, you know the one that's deep in the pit of your stomach, that he was having a hard time and it was about his Papa. I just wanted to skip over how he was feeling and take away all his pain and sadness but as I prepared to hold and hug this growing boy I realized that he needed the truth no matter how hard it was to hear or speak.  Sometimes it's hard to speak the truth and hard to hear it but I knew it was one of those things that had to be done.  So I just said a little prayer and dug in.

     I asked Ryler what was wrong and he immediately began talking about Papa.  He said, "Papa said he was working on getting better but he never did!  Why, momma, why?  I don't understand how Papa was here and then he was gone, just like that!  Why?"  He sobbed and I just held him as the tears flowed down his cheeks.  Garrin took charge with Trevin & Gentry so that I could focus on Ryler.  All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and wake up tomorrow hoping it'd be better and that all this would be over.  I seriously thought about it for a few seconds before I felt my dad saying "Suck it up buttercup and deal with this like I've taught you to do!"  So I held back my tears (after all isn't that what mothers do for their babies...put them first and deal with our own feelings later!) and prepared to do some serious talking.  I asked Ryler, "Do you want to see pictures of Papa during his last days?  They aren't pretty and it doesn't look like the Papa you know."  So I got out my phone and began showing him pictures of his Papa and he wept.  I showed him the pictures of Papa and he could see just how sick and weak he was.  I began explaining the cycle of life, just as my dad had explained it to me throughout my life.  We are born, we live, then we die; this is all part of God's plan.  I explained how the things that last forever are what you can pass on...not material items...but a legacy!  I told him to think about all the things that Papa had taught him and that it's his job to teach Trevin & Gentry all those things and that by doing that Papa will live on forever!  What an awesome thing!  Finally a little spark in those dark eyes and Ryler began to understand he's got an important job to do!  I also described how Papa was giving me instructions during those last weeks.

     After we knew it was the ending, Papa didn't want any visitors and most definitely no crying around from us or anyone!  Just about everyday my dad would give me instructions and it always started out with this, "Trin, everyday you're going to have to get up and give the boys 110%, EVERYDAY!  Everyday, Trin, you're going to have to stay strong and give it your all, EVERYDAY!"  You get the idea and then he'd go on to explain all the things I needed to do and that I was strong enough to do it.  I explained to Ryler that I listened to my dad and didn't shed a tear!  Not a tear!  How could I?  He was dying and knew it and was still finding happiness and taking care of his family so I was strong and said, "ok dad, I will, Ok dad!"  I can't tell this story now without crying but at the time I didn't shed a tear.  He showed so much strength; physical, mental, emotional that I had to do just how he wanted.  So I told all of this to Ryler while my tears flowed and that we have to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  That's what Papa taught us to do and that's exactly what we will do! 

Trinity