My Amazing Mom!

My Amazing Mom!

I know we all think our mom is the most amazing mom ever but I really think my mom tops the cake!!! I can't even begin to tell you all that she's done for me or taught me over the years.  She's loving, giving, creative, hard working, encouraging, upbeat, faithful, trusting, confident, sensitive, and most of all AWESOME!  I picked this picture of my mom because this shows her creative side.  She recently started taking an art class and she painted this picture (it was a live model).  I'm so very proud of her in many ways and I love that she is doing what dad has told her to do...keep living.  He told us that life goes on and to not stop living.  After all he told mom that they'd see each other "in the blink of an eye!".  He also said that he'd left his legacy with my boys and that now it's her turn to leave hers with the boys.  I hope to be just like her when I grow up!  Well I guess I'm grown up and I think I'm like her in many ways.  I've definitely got both my mom and dad in me, and I'm so very thankful because they're the best parents I could ever ask for!

So a few days I ago I got to get out of town with my hubby!  I haven't left my sweet baby (almost 11 months old) for more than 1 night, so this was 3 days and 2 nights!  We didn't go on vacation, I just went with hubby to some business meetings he had for work,  When he asked if I wanted to go he said,"You might be bored because I'll be in meetings all day and then go to the dinner at night and I'll be tied up til 8.".  I just looked at him like really, are you listening to yourself?!  I haven't left the baby for more than a night and just recently weaned him about a month ago...so a few days without anyone to take care of and alone time sounded like pure bliss!  I've felt like I just needed to get away since my dad died.  I kept thinking that if I got away without distractions that I'd be able to process exactly what all had happened.  So here's how it went...

Stayed up late Sunday night trying to get everything ready for everyone while I was gone.  Started Monday morning at 5 finishing up things for the boys and packing myself, pretty much running around like a chicken with my head cut off!  I always think to myself, don't procrastinate, but guess what I don't listen!  And then I'm mad!  So you can see that Monday was off to a great start.  After I got the kiddos all taken care of and we were on the road, it sunk in.  I was really getting away for a few days.  But it still felt weird, why?  Because anytime I've left my boys in the past, I've left them basically with my dad.  My dad would always keep them, at the drop of a hat.  Now I say that but I always knew that my mom would be there if dad needed a break or some help.  With more than one kid, sometimes you need power in numbers!  So my thought was, who will be there to help my mom?  Not that she can't handle it by any means but it just felt weird without my dad being there too.  They usually tag teamed keeping the boys, meaning that one would be here during the days then the other would be here during the nights.  So now it was all on my mom and I kept thinking maybe I shouldn't be leaving.  I had my mother in law lined up to help and my dad's buddy, Alan, as well.  So everybody would be helping and doing, which was good.  I just almost wanted to cry because I just thought about my dad and how much he kept my boys, esp. my older two boys.  Then I thought I wonder if my mom feels the same way!  How could she not?  I wanted to cry and cry but not really understanding why.  I've heard that the first year after someone dies is hard because it's a year of firsts without that person physically there.  So this was a first that I wasn't really prepared to deal with!  You know that wind knocked out of you feel, that's how I felt in the car driving and not really understanding why or even saw it coming!  

After checking into the hotel and having some time to think about things, I gained a new perspective.  My mom is the rock and has been the rock through the years.  I mean she's AWESOME!!!  I've always known that my mom is a strong, independent woman but I've been blind to all her strength.  I've written all about my dad and his influence on my life because it's been great therapy for dealing with his death. I wish I would've written this when he was here to read them!  Even though we left NOTHING unsaid, I would've loved for my dad to see just how much he influenced my life and made a difference in my life as well as my hubby and my children.  So it hit me like a ton of bricks, write about mom!  She's still here, so tell her and write about her too.  I'm writing about her without her knowing it, at least until she reads it, after it's posted!  So wish me luck with that!  I just have to write about her too!

Like I've said I always knew that my mom is a strong and independent woman but let me just tell you about her strength.  She's got more strength than most and usually shows her soft side first.  I was very little (I think around 4) when my dad was hurt in an oilfield accident.  I don't remember much other than I stayed a lot with my sister (she's 17 years older) and my Granny (my dad's mom).  I've heard bits and pieces about that chain of events and I realize that my mom kept working and encouraged my dad through his recovery.  The doctors told him that he'd never walk again and he wasn't even 30 years old yet!  Not only was he not 30 yet but he was very physically active and had a black belt in a form of marital arts (I can't remember what form but I can see his certificate in a frame that my mom had done for him.)!  I can't imagine being told that you'd never walk again and that there's no hope.  But that didn't stop my dad or my mom.  Dad had several surgeries to try and repair the nerve damage and broken bones and my mom was right there by his side!  She's always been there for him and encouraging him through everything.  She also kept her job and climbed the corporate ladder and was very successful.  She was able to do that because dad was home with me and he encouraged her to go after it!  So it was a great situation for our family and it not only worked but we all thrived for it.  I've learned through watching my parents what it means to love one another through thick and thin, be willing to give of oneself, to really stay "in love" with your spouse, to do whatever it takes to make the best of your life situation, and to never give up!  To say that I'm blessed is an understatement!

Now when I think about my mom's strength, I think about these last three years after my dad had his heart attack and surgery.  She did whatever and whenever for my dad.  I think deep down she knew it was going to end all too soon, but never let that side show.  My mom's a very sensitive and emotional person, just as I am!  She could've spent the last three years crying around and in a deep depression but she didn't!  And dad wouldn't have wanted anyone of us to be sad or depressed.  In the last month when I was with mom and dad, I witnessed the most amazing love and strength I've ever seen.  And I'll probably never see that again in my life and I bet most people probably never see it!  I saw the love they have for each other and the strength and support for each other.  My mom has to be a strong person to be supportive of the way my dad wanted to do things, not just during these last three years but their whole married life.  My dad definitely did not go with the crowd and he was his own unique person in all that he did!  However, the strength it must have taken for my mom to not only follow through with how dad wanted things to be through the end but she was also very supportive and loving and that takes more strength than most of us have.  I've thought about how she knew what was happening and that it would probably be very hard but she stuck by dad and his wishes and she still is sticking with his wishes.  The love and respect she has for my dad is such an inspiration as well as her enduring strength.  I hope I can be just like my mom when I grow up!  Not only has my dad taught me how to be a strong and independent person but my mom has taught me to be a strong and loving independent woman.  I'm so very thankful to my parents for the life they've given me, all they've taught me, and the many life lessons I will pass on to my boys.

Trinity     

A Time For Everything...

This pretty much says it all...

I came across this yesterday and it just brought all kinds of memories to mind.  It's funny how the smallest of things, smells, songs, places, or people can bring back a memory.  The memory comes back so fresh and raw.  It makes me stop and think and sometimes it feels as if you've just gotten the wind knocked out of you.  I've had a lot of those moments lately but just taking things day by day.  After all that's all we really have, today.  Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet so we really do just have today.  So my motto is MAKE THE MOST OF TODAY!

While we have no guarantee of tomorrow, this verse just pretty much says it all.  My dad has always taught me that there's a time for everything; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He would continuously explain to me how important timing was in so many ways.  If you really stop and think about it, timing is everything.  If you follow your instincts, you'll never go wrong.  By this I mean that if it doesn't feel right to drive somewhere, then don't.  You don't know what wreck or break down you missed just by following your gut.  This is just one small example of how important timing is in the big scope of life.  I know this verse is long but it really says it all.  I miss my dad telling me things like this.  At times I think how much I miss hearing him tell me these wonderful life lessons and then it really hits me that I'll never actually hear his voice again.  That's when I just want to loose it!  I want to throw things, scream, yell, cry, curl up in a ball and cry til I can't cry anymore.  I just want to loose it completely.  However, this usually occurs at the most inopportune time.  I have my four boys that I can't just loose control in front of, now don't get me wrong they see me cry lots.  I just want them to know it's ok to be upset and miss him and talk about him all the time.  With that being said I don't want them to use Papa's death as a crutch so that they don't have to deal with life in general.  We've made some huge life changes, of which I'll write about later, but Gary and I both feel this is what's best for our family at this time.  And I can hear my dad say that timing is everything and that you can never go wrong with your gut, so here we go.  I can still hear him and feel him guiding me,  I just wish I could physically hear his voice and hug him.  I know I will someday and that it'll go by "in the blink of an eye" but for now it's still very raw and painful!  Did I mention painful?!?  Still painful, I think it'll always be painful.  

There is a time for everything.  And during this time we must enjoy, endure, KEEP ON KEEPING ON,  and never give up.  I realize now that this is a time of enduring and a time of firsts.  A lot of firsts without my dad, after all we have our parents our entire life.  Meaning until a parent dies, we've never lived or known a life without them!  So I'm learning how to continue a life with happiness and joy without my dad physically here.  He'd be ticked if we didn't keep on living and embracing all that we have to be thankful for, so I'm striving to find happiness.  And I will!  Because there's a time for everything!

Trinity

Birthdays & Growing Up...

Papa & Gentry

Today is my dad's birthday.  He would've been 59, seriously that's too young to die!  However, I feel like he lived more in his almost 59 years of life than most live in a hundred years of life.  He lived life, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He lived life to the fullest.  He never really wanted to do much for his birthday because he said that everyday was his birthday.  He said you can have everyday as your birthday when you really live life everyday.  How awesome is that, I mean really how many of us live our lives like everyday is our birthday?  I don't, but I do more now than ever before.  Dad never gave presents on the actual day.  He was like a big kid and could never wait!  I always got to open a few presents early on Christmas!  I will pass on the tradition.

I was looking through pictures of my dad and this one really caught my attention for many reasons.  I love the way Gentry is looking up at him and how my strong, loving dad is looking down on his grandson.  It's just priceless!  I love looking at pictures of my dad but it also cuts deep for the realization sets in that I'll never take another picture of him!  I'm a picture person and always taking pics of my family.  However the thought that I'll never take another picture of him with my boys makes my heart hurt.  It hurts like someone has knocked me down and taken my breath away.  I'm so very thankful to have so many pictures and I'll continue to keep taking them.  I want to put out a bunch of pictures of my dad at times but then other times I don't want to look at them, it just hurts too much.  Everything I've been reading about grief is that it takes time, and I realize it should take time.  However, I didn't realize just how hard it would be and that I'd still be waking up everyday asking myself, "Did my dad really die?"!  I know it'll get easier or at least I think it will, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him or pick up the phone to call him.  Sometimes it still feels like I'm just going through the motions and that I'll wake up from this crazy nightmare that just won't stop.  Then I realize it did really happen and I've got to get myself together and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON! 

A combination of this picture and my dad's birthday has also brought up another topic...I must grow up!  Did I mention that I'm 35 years old and I have to grow up and I don't like it, not one bit!  We've been having some major changes in our household (I'll write about these in another post) and my dad was always the one to talk me through everything.  He was there guiding, encouraging, loving, and training me through this journey called life.  I know that most people can do that on their own but I've never had to until now.  Now I'm thrown into full blown grown up mode and it stinks!  I'm thinking about when I was younger and my biggest fear was getting home by dark.  Yes I'm that old that I played outside all day and just had to get home before dark.  What a life!  Back to having to grow up, I'm trying but it's hard.  My dad could talk with me and help me understand and make me listen to my hubby.  My dad always supported whatever it was Gary was doing or however he was doing it.  Therefore, my dad tried to teach me to listen to hubby.  Now that I'm looking back I realize just what a gift he was giving me, to listen to my husband.  So as we celebrate my dad's amazing life today, I will also think of all the things he's taught me.  I will be thankful for the time I've had with him and all the awesome memories and life lessons he's taught me.  Life goes on and this picture is proof of that because Gentry will carry on part of him, even if his time was short with his Papa.  Life is too short not to be thankful and to live each day to the fullest and treat it (each day) as a gift. 

 Happy Birthday dad and thanks so much for all you've done and given to me and my family.  I couldn't ask for a better dad and I'm so thankful to have you as my dad!  We will think of you everyday and talk about you numerous times throughout our days and watch you continue to live on through your grandsons.  Love you lots, I know you already know that but I miss you terribly!!!

Trinity

Change, change, everywhere!

     Well this last week marks 3 months since my dad died and it just so happened to be a full moon.  My dad always used to say things were either really good or really bad during a full moon.  And you can ask my hubby, I'm either in a great mood or I'm a bear.  This last week a big ugly momma bear showed up!  I know we all have those days but this seemed to last and was really intense, to say the least!  Now I'm back to the land of the living and so thankful to be here.  So I'm on to a new project and I'll KEEP ON KEEPING ON because I can hear my dad loud and clear saying life goes on.  Yes it does and sometimes it's hard, ok it's more than just hard, but everyday is a training day.

     This last week I weaned my 4th baby and according to Gary, my last.  I can't even go there with him at this time, I still want another baby and no not just to try for a girl, but because I love having a house full.  I love having kiddos, being pregnant, nursing, and all the mess that goes along with it.  So weaning my baby (almost 10 months) was different than the other 3, of course it was different because everything is different without my dad physically here.  My friend pointed that out to me the other day when I was talking about how I didn't think I could do something because I always did that with my dad.  She said, "Really, you did everything with your dad!  You can't use that as an excuse!".  Ouch, so true.  So I did this certain something without my dad and it was hard but felt really good.  (I'll write about this in another post!).  But back to weaning my baby, my dad has been the one to wean the other three boys.  He would tell me, "Whenever you're ready, you and Gary go away for the weekend and I'll take care of it!".  So that's what we did and I'd come home to a big boy and not a baby.  Easy as that.  I never knew what all he did until now that he's gone!  I never took him for granted and always showed my appreciation and love.  Now when I talk about how much he did, that means many many things.  My dad not only took care of my boys anytime I needed but he also spent a lot of time talking with me and helping me understand many things.  His insight often gave me strength in many ways.  We always talked about how my dad was "the voice of reason" meaning he could talk things through and show me how not to over react or make unnecessary mistakes.  I can't begin to describe just how awesome my dad is, was.  It's still hard to talk about him in the past tense!

     Along with Gentry growing up, he's outgrown his baby bathtub and now takes a bath like a big boy.  Wow, the baby bathtub needs to be put up.  Notice I said put up and not gotten rid of, I get real panicky thinking this will be my last baby.  So I just try not to think about it!  Gentry is only 10 mos. old and all of a sudden his clothes are too small and he's wearing 12 mo. to 18 mo. clothes.  Trevin is just four and a half and he's wearing size 5 and 6.  What?  Time is going by all too fast.  Ryler is almost as tall as Garrin and Garrin is almost as tall as me!  Garrin is wearing size 16 jeans and he's only 12!  The interesting thing about having my children spread apart in age is that I can remember the older ones when they were babies like my youngest one.  It seems like yesterday and the time has gone by all too fast.  I don't want them to stop growing but I'd like a pause button, just so I can sit down and soak it all in.  I love watching them grow and their personalities show.  My dad always reminded me that no matter how hard it is to let them go, watching them (my kids) grow and spread their wings is an amazing experience not to be taken lightly.  Another words, don't be so busy with the day to day business that you don't stop to watch them spread their wings and fly!

    So this new project is cleansing my house.  I mean really cleansing and purging.  I've never been a great housekeeper and tend to keep things.  However, with a house full of 4 growing boys I need function!  I've always had help organizing or going through things from my mom and or my sister.  They're awesome at helping me.  But you know it's kinda like anything that you don't do for yourself, you tend not to keep it up or take it for granted.  So I'm determined to do this with only the help from those that live under this roof, aka my kiddos and hubby!  Why did I finally decide to get organized?  Well I had this dream and this is one of the things I need to do.  So here's my dream...
My dad and I came to my house, I'm not sure where we had been.  Gary had the boys and I'm not really sure where they were.  So dad and I walk in my house to find it completely ransacked.  I mean everything was out of the cabinets, drawers, the beds were thrown and furniture turned over.  I was freaking out to say the least.  My dad was calm as usual and just said get your pictures and grab a few things because we've got to go.  He said call Gary and have him meet us on the road and I'll call Honey (my mom) and tell her to meet us too.  He kept telling me to hurry we didn't have much time.  I couldn't understand.  So I just grabbed my pics and camera and few things.  It was so real, all my stuff was just strewn everywhere.  He had urgency in his voice and I just wanted to understand.  So we got in my car and I began to drive.  I kept asking dad what was going on?  His calmness made me feel as if everything was going to be ok.  I'm driving and I don't know where we are going or why.  I kept asking my dad what was happening and where we were going.  He just kept telling me to calm down, everything's going to be all right, just trust me.  The farther I drove, the more calm I became.  Then I look over at my dad in the passenger's seat and he's dead.  He just died in my car while I'm driving down the road.  The last thing he said was everything's going to be ok.  And all I can think is that my dad is gone, I'm driving and have no idea where I'm going as my family is following me.  I just kept driving and didn't really know what to do.  Then I wake up and ask myself did that really happen?  I wake up everyday and have to lay there for a few minutes and think to myself, did my dad really die?  Is he really gone?  But the few nights I've had this dream I wake up thinking I know my dad has died but did this chain of events really happen?  I can't describe it, it's really weird.

     So this is what I've taken from this dream...Gary thinks this and helped me understand as well.  Pretty much this dream means that I can't go back to the way things used to be!  Actually saying that out loud is huge, I mean huge!  The logical side of me knows that you can't go back to the way things used to be or even to yesterday, but sometimes when I'm in the moment of day to day life I think it'll last forever.  So I want to enjoy each day that God gives and be thankful!  Also this dream means that you can't take the stuff with you.  My dad has always told me I have way too much stuff and that life gets way easy when you don't have stuff weighing you down.  So therefore, I began the big purge and clean out at my house.  I think it's a new chapter and it's time to put on my big girl panties and take care of business.  So I'm learning just how to do that and I will KEEP ON KEEPING ON!