Seasons of Life

Seasons of Life

There is one constant about life…it changes.  It changes sometimes when we least expect it and sometimes we can see it coming, either way it changes.  My dad used to say, “Nothing stays the same forever!”  I never really gave it much thought but it seems the more years I’m alive the more truth there is to this.  Life is funny how you can hear something you're whole life but not really know it or understand it til later.

I never will forget this conversation I had with my dad shortly after his heart surgery and the docs told him he wouldn’t make it without a heart transplant.  With this news he just smiled and said no thanks.  He said he wasn’t about to spend the time he had in and out of hospitals and that there are worse things than dying.  Which reminded me how many times growing up he told me, “I’m not always going to be here to show you how to do these things, you gotta pay attention kid!”  He would tell me this when we were changing the oil, out grocery shopping, cooking, and of course when he would take me shooting and I just thought yeah, yeah, ok dad.  Wish I would’ve paid a little more attention!  Well when the docs tell you news that no one wants to hear, you pay pretty close attention!

I was driving and dad was in the front seat, we were just talking and then he began to explain the Seasons of Life…

He said, “You know kid, if we’re lucky we get to live through all the seasons…spring, summer, fall, and winter.”  I had no idea where he was going with this but I was all ears and holding back tears.  He didn’t want any crying around, so I had to keep it together.  He always stressed how important it is to keep it together during the event and then after you can loose it and deal with it however you need but not while it’s happening!  So he went on to explain, “We are born in the spring.  Our childhood is spring and we are learning to bloom.  Then after we grow up and leave home we come into summer.  Summer is when you’re becoming an adult and having babies and careers, like you are right now.  Then when your babies grow up and leave home you move into fall.  Fall is the time when you get to watch what you’ve worked so hard for come into their own and when you get to stop working so hard and relax a little to prepare for the next season of winter.  I’m in late fall and not going to have a winter.  Some never make it out of spring, so I’m lucky I’ve make it to late fall.”  At this point, I was sobbing on the inside but didn’t let it show or at least that’s what I thought.  I know he knew I was breaking but he wanted to keep talking and explaining and knew he had been preparing me all along from the beginning.  So he went on, “Winter is when things begin to die, sometimes slowly and sometimes with a quick snowstorm.  And that is how life is and how God created it and who are we to question it!  We just try to understand it the best we can and then make the most of whatever season we are in.  Everyone is in different seasons at the same time.  Do you understand what I’m telling you, kid?”  I sat in the driver’s seat, beginning to realize that I’d be in the driver’s seat from here on until my time comes to explain the Season’s of Life to my boys…my heart was breaking and I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me but I just looked at my dad and said, “I understand dad.”  Even though my brain understood my heart did not…it’s still trying to understand.  

I’m a different person now than I was then…I’ve learned lots and continue to do so, after all isn’t that what life is all about…keep learning and keep doing and keep loving…Life is ever changing!

I want to make the best of this ever changing life, the good and the bad, so I’ll KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON!

My Birthday, 6 years ago!

My Birthday, 6 years ago!

For the first time in 6 years I felt like celebrating my birthday.  It's been a long and short 6 years.  On my actual birthday 6 years ago my whole world changed and I finally feel like I'm living life again!  My dad went to the heart hospital via air e-vac 6 years ago, then a few days later he had open heart surgery.  All of our lives were suddenly changed and would never be the same again.  I watched my mom show her strength yet grieve for the husband that would no longer be.  I watched my older boys (who were 9 & 6 at the time) try to grasp what was happening.  I watched my husband show more love than I ever knew possible.  I watched my dad's mom grieve for the son who had already been through so much.  I remember watching it all, feeling like it was a dream and that I'd wake up soon.  The days that followed my birthday were filled with cold hospital room, sleeping in waiting room, filling out paperwork with difficult decisions, remembering to eat, making arrangements for the boys (thankful my mother-in-law just stepped in and took care of them), trying to find the positive yet knowing that our lives would never be the same again.  

When a big life event such as this happens, it seems that all the things that mattered to you before no longer do.  It doesn't matter, the little things!  My dad used to tell me all the time, "Don't sweat the small stuff, kid!"  I would think but dad, this is important.  It seems he knew what was important all along.  Six years ago, I changed...it's been a rough 6 years with many blessings!  But I'm not the same person I was then, thankfully!  It all seems a blur at times and then other times it is crystal clear.  My dad left this earth 3 years ago but he really left 6, because after he came home from the hospital, he was never the same!  He tried but he just wasn't.  So I think the grieving process began 6 years ago, without me even knowing it.  

I always feel anxious around my birthday since this event and this year was no different but I did feel like it was time to enjoy.  I've always enjoyed my birthday, my family, and pretty much life...kinda been out of it for the past few years and feel like I've missed so much.  I'm ready to live life and enjoy everything that I've got...so much to be thankful for!  This life is short and I intend on loving it.  I think about my dad everyday and reach for the phone to call him.  It still hurts!  I miss him!  I wish he was here!  My big boys talk about their Papa all the time and that makes my heart happy!  Hubby talks about him, they had a great relationship and how he misses him!  One of the best gifts that my dad gave us...he told us all the way up until the end, "You've got to keep on living life and doing!  Don't stop!"  I'm thankful for those words and that he had the strength to push us to KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

Life on the Farm...

Garrin & Ryler a few years back.

Life on the Farm...



I love this picture.  It's almost 4 years ago and it seems like yesterday.  I was pregnant with Gentry and had just begun my journey with being at home on the farm.  Up until then I worked all the time!  I think back now and wonder why!  Oh well, I finally learned and I'm still learning...but isn't that what life is all about?  It's a learning process, after all if you're not learning something new then you become stagnant.


I used to help very little on the farm but with my dad's encouragement I'm out in the midst of it now.  Now let me be clear, I don't drive tractors or big trucks, but I do help them move vehicles from field to field and make food that I never thought I know how to make, oh and wash the obscene amount of the dirtiest clothes I've ever seen.  I'm learning more and more on the day to day activities that go on to make a farming operation run.  And to be honest, some days I think to myself, what did I do?  It's hard!  I don't understand some things on the farm.  When I start to feel this way, I can hear and almost feel my dad telling me this is the best life ever!  He told me that if I ever wanted to spend time with my boys that I'd better close up shop and get out on the farm and learn it and love it and do it!  I thought ok ok, I can do that.  Most days I feel like YES I CAN DO THIS!  And the days when I don't...my dad's voice keeps encouraging me.  I can feel how proud he is and he's not even here anymore!  That's just an awesome feeling.

Time goes by way too fast...I'm thankful for my mom and dad encouraging me all of my life!  My mom gets the job of encourager now and she does great with it!  Life doesn't always go as we have planned...thankful it doesn't!  But I'm thankful for the push my parents gave me to change directions and be out on the farm with my boys.  They're growing up and I'm loving watching the young men they are becoming...I'd like it to slow down just a little so I can really take it all in but since I can't I'm just going to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON and enjoy every day...the good, the bad, and the just plain everyday!

Wow...you grew up fast!

Garrin...wow you grew up fast! 

Wow...you grew up fast!

This week my first born graduates from the 8th grade.  I'm full of mixed emotions.  My first thought is "Wow...you grew up fast!"  like lightening bolt fast.  My dad told me that would happen!  Like seriously, I should still be in high school!  Second, did I do good enough?  I think about these last years and wonder if I did enough to teach you to think for yourself, stand up for what you believe in, spend all the time I could with you, and the list goes on and on.  Third, I think about you going to high school and all that brings.  So I just pray that I did enough and that high school will be a great adventure that takes you to the next big adventure.

Life with 4 boys is fast and furious to say the least.  It's more fun than "the law ought to allow" as my dad used to say.  As well as the hardest gig I've ever had and it feels like it's all going by way too quickly!  If I just didn't need sleep, maybe then just maybe I could do all that I want to do...but I need sleep, so I'll just trust that I'm doing the best I can at this time with what I've been given.  That's all we can really do!

I do have a big missing piece, my dad!  I wish he was here with us to see this and enjoy this ride like I am.  I wish he was here so I could tell him, "You were right, dad, about everything!"  I wish he was here to celebrate, to help guide me on this parenting of boys gig, to laugh (like only he could), to just give me a bear hug and tell me "You did good, kid!"  I know he's here, I can feel him, but oh how I miss him.  It's been 3 years since he left this earth and it has gone by fast.  I wish he was here to give this son of mine, that he helped groom, wise words of advice like only he could.  I just remember him always saying, "Life is short and nothing stays the same forever."  

This boy has been amazing and so much fun to watch grow.  I hope he always knows that I've done the best I know how and that I'll continue to do so til the day I die.  I will soak up these next 4 years and enjoy watching him spread his wings.  I will continue teaching him to think for himself, even though it seems it's not always like my thinking, and watch him take on the world.  And yes that means that I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN ON!

Crazy & Strange

Crazy and Strange

I saw this and it reminded me of my dad!

It's crazy how certain times of the year will bring back memories so clear, like it was yesterday.  I love that feeling of my heart being flooded with awesome memories and times gone by.  This Easter took me back to when my dad was dying three years ago.  It was a time of strength and endurance, not for the faint at heart.  My mom and I were in the trenches of watching and helping my dad die with the dignity that he felt so strongly about.  Easter came and went and I remember not doing one thing for my kiddos, thankful that my mother in law stepped in and took care of things!  I remember the feel of spring and new which was odd since my dad was dying.  I remember thinking about how many times my dad would tell me, "Don't sweat the small stuff, kid!"  At the time I thought what?  But it was during those weeks with my dad that I began to understand just a little of what he meant.  I mean you soon learn that the small stuff, that can be so overwhelming at times, means very little in the big scheme of things!

Life is short.  Period.  It's too short to worry about the small stuff.  He always said that he wanted to live everyday like it was his last.  Life is too short.  Now as spring is here and the sight of new life shows, I look around and can't help but think about my dad.  I think about how much strength he had his whole life and then when he was dying and he knew it and he faced it head on.  He reminded me that life has seasons and that we don't always get to see all the seasons or understand why, that's God's business.  He showed me how to have strength and faith like no other at a time when I felt weak and helpless.  I want to have that kind of strength and wisdom and pass it on to my boys.  

This spring I think of my dad, but I think of him everyday.  I'm thankful for this awesome life I have and I want to teach my boys what my dad taught me.  That's the legacy I want to leave.  Spring brings new life in many ways but it will always remind me of the time I spent with my mom helping my dad die on his terms.  If you knew him, you know how important that was!  Spring breaks my heart and fills me full of strength all at the same time.  It's a strange feeling that I have a hard time describing.  The time from Spring Break til first part of May takes me back to a time when I learned just how strong I was, because if I could help my dad with his last wishes, then I could live through anything this life brings.  I want to live this life without fear and with contentment!  So as it goes I will KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON....

Learning All the Time

This truck tries to get the best of me...

Learning All the Time


So I am and will always be a farm girl in the making...

The other day while out feeding cattle, it was cold, snowing with some ice and this is how my day went...

I open the door to get out of this 1ton pickup...which I hate driving!  It's a standard stripped down farm truck.  It's not my usual pickup that I drive.  I look like a little old lady driving it and usually always kill the engine trying to change gears.  Now that you have a visual...while getting out of this pickup, that gets the best of me every time I drive it, I busted on my a$$!  Not before pulling something in my shoulder trying to keep from busting.  Snow is blowing, cattle are mooing (because they're hungry & the pickup has the food), and I begin crying.  I'm thinking what in the world am I doing! I manage to put out the bale of hay and then I turn to head back to the pickup that I despise and what welcomes me as I turn around...bulls!  They scared me and I jumped and not gonna lie, wet my pants just a little! I get myself together so I can finish feeding and stay on schedule...yes farmer's have schedules!  This girl has to be done with chores in time to pick up the boys from school.

I'm trying to put out the bale of hay with this strange pain in my shoulder, thinking man I must be getting old!  I'm finally to the last place that I put out the big round bale of hay and I've got to break the ice in the tank, so the cattle can get water.  It had been cold for a few days so there was lots of ice and it had been snowing on top of the ice.  I go to the tank and get ready to break the ice with this heavy sledge hammer...then I drop it through the snow & ice!  It falls to the bottom and all I can think about is crying some more.  The positive is that this was the last place I had to stop & break ice.

No way am I sticking my hand in this...

I sent a short version text of my day's events to my husband, and older 2 sons...thinking that they'd get a good laugh.  My husband calls and is laughing and says, "Sounds like you're having fun!"  I pick up my second son and he's laughing.  I pick up my oldest and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Did you get the sledge hammer out of the tank?"  I'm thinking oh no you didn't just ask me this!  I snapped...I know it's hard to imagine.  Ha ha!  I said, "Are you kidding me?  I wouldn't stick my hands in that nasty tank of water on a nice day and how dare you think I would.  So where do I get another one of those sledge hammer things?"  His response, "Mom, you don't just go buy another one!  We need to get it out of the tank!"  I couldn't help but smile about how he doesn't want to waste anything and the fact that he seriously thought I should've reached in that tank and got it out.

He was nice enough to get it out of the tank a few days later...boys are like that.  They always take care of things!  It's really a great thing to always have boys around.  So my life consists of boys, and lots of them, cow poop, dirty boots but most of all love.  Lots and lots of love.  Boys show love in many ways and with a house full of boys I feel so very loved!  I'm so very thankful that my parents encouraged me to make the big change and stay home with my boys and learn to help Gary on the farm.  I have so many stories about my life on the farm and I'm still learning and I hope that I'll always be learning...after all I'll always be a farm girl in the making!  So it goes that I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Never Say Never

Never say never...

I never would've thought that this would be my go to shoes!  Life is always changing and that's a good thing because if it stayed the same all the time it would be real boring.  So my life seems to be in a constant state of changing and just when I think I get the hang of the now, it changes!  If you would've asked me a year ago or even two if I ever thought I'd be helping on the farm (to the extent that I am now) I would've said no way, never!  So goes the saying, Never Say Never.

Back to these shoes...boots.  These are my everyday shoes these days and when I put them on I can't help but think about my dad.  These boots make me think about him in so many ways but the one that I must share is how much he encouraged me to quit my job and get out here on the farm, where the boys are!  When I say the boys, I mean my boys.  My boys that I've given birth to, changed their diapers, nursed them, cleaned them, and disciplined them...my boys...4 healthy boys!

I remember thinking how could my dad encourage me to do something so much out of the ordinary and against the grain.  Well if you had the pleasure of knowing my dad, he was no where near ordinary and almost always chose to go against the grain!  I love that about him.  And he'd go against the grain with passion that demanded you to take note!  So I knew I needed to listen when he was telling me to quit my job.  In a time when most women have careers and work outside the home and the fact that I never ever thought about not having a regular j-o-b...here was my dad pushing me almost insisting that I change direction.  So I listened with much frustration, but I listened!  Did I mention that I'm just a tad hard headed?! Ha ha!

So here I am...helping on the farm along side my hubby and 4 boys...loving this life!  A life I never thought I'd live, doing things I never thought I'd do...some days are killer and I scream and cry and think why in the world did my dad encourage me to do this?  Other days I feel like I've conquered the world, especially when I do or understand something new for the first time.  But most days I have joy and peace in my heart that I've never known before!  Then I stop and think, "Dad was right again!"

I've worked outside the home and now at home and I'm thankful for both experiences.  I love how life changes most of the time and I'm just trying to enjoy today.  Thinking that KEEP ON KEEPIN' is just a pretty great life!

Coming Out of the Fog...

Coming Out of the Fog...

Just when I think I've got things under control and that I've come out of the fog, the wind gets knocked out of me with such fierce force that it physically takes my breath away!  I know that this is how grief works only because I have friends that have tried to tell me and it's in every grief book/article I've come across.  Well just because you know something doesn't mean your heart knows and understands it.  It's interesting how the mind and heart work, isn't it?  (That's something that I would talk about with my dad...random thoughts and questions.)  

To say that I miss him is a huge understatement!

For quite some time I've been going about my business, day in and day out, thinking of my dad.  I'd think I wish he was here to see this or that.  I'd think about how happy he'd be seeing the boys growing into the young men they are.  I'd think about how I wish I could talk to him and see him.  I'd think about how much we would have to talk about with politics and all the things going on in the world today.  I'd think of him, miss him, and be thankful of all the time I had with him.  But...the other day was different!

I was out feeding cattle (something that's new for me in the last few years!) and all of a sudden my body ached.  My stomach hurt with such pain that I thought I was getting sick.  My toenails hurt with dull pain.  My hands cramped.  Tears began rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't grasp what was wrong.  Then I just began sobbing, crying, sobbing, and then the wailing came.  It sounds so crazy!  It just hit me like a ton of bricks fell on me that my dad is dead!  He's really dead.  He's not coming back.  I know I haven't seen him in almost 3 years...I watched him die.  My mind knows that but my heart can't grasp it.  So I just stopped the pickup and had myself a good snot flowing, screaming cry.  I sat in a wide open field among cows and new baby calves just screaming and crying and blowing my nose in the most unladylike way.  It was not a pretty sight!

I learned a few things that day.  After all my dad always said that, "Every day is training day."  Somedays I feel like I'm in boot camp with intense training and others I feel like I'm in a classroom learning just a little everyday.  This day felt like it was boot camp training on steroids!   

I realized that I will always always always miss my dad...that somedays will be harder than others...that I must learn and move forward...that life is way too short...that pain is part of life...that joy comes in places and ways we never thought possible...that it's important to learn something new everyday...that somedays are boot camp (I use this analogy as if I have real life experience.  I've never been to boot camp, except the workout kind.  I'm just going off what I've seen in movies and what I think it would be like!)...that it's so very important to keep living, loving, and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON! 

My dad used to talk about how there's a time for everything in life and seasons of life.  I often think about the verse Ecclesiastes 3:1-8...it says it all about life.  This season of my life is different than I ever thought...I'm doing things I never thought I'd do and loving it!  I'm enjoying my boys and all the craziness that it brings.  I think I'm finally coming out of the fog (You know the fog of grief...of being alive and doing all that has to be done but not really living or enjoying life...I'm finally coming out of the fog!)  On one hand I'm sad that it's taken me so long and on the other I'm thankful for all that I've learned and continue to learn.  I know that somedays are foggy and there's not a thing I can do about that.  But the days that aren't, I'm going to make the best of and live life!

Trinity