LAUGH...Home Alone

LAUGH...Home Alone

     Tis the season...all the Christmas shows and movies are on tv, shopping, decorating, family gatherings, and of course celebrating the birth of Jesus.  I love this time of year and have really enjoyed it more so after having children!  Nothing is better than watching life through the eyes of a child, or in my case the eyes of 4 boys.  They're so full of life and excitement in all that they do, not just at Christmas time.  When I stop and think about this, I also think about my dad and the way he lived life everyday.  All this thinking came about after Home Alone was on ABCfamily the other night.  

     I've seen Home Alone many times and I'm sure we even have it on dvd but this time it stopped me in my tracks.  Let me just explain...I saw Home Alone for the first time on the big screen with my dad when I was about 4th or 5th grade.  My second son, Ryler, is in the 4th grade and I just looked at him with thoughts flooding my mind.  I remember sitting in the very back of the theater next to my dad and laughing so hard that my side hurt.  I also remember thinking my dad was laughing so loud, when other people had already stopped laughing, that it was embarrassing me.  Really how could he be embarrassing in a dark theater?  That's funny in itself.  I'm sure we went more than once to the theater to see Home Alone and every time his laughter was louder.  After it came out on video and started showing on tv, we would watch it and still he'd laugh so very loud.  My dad had an infectious laugh and he'd laugh whenever he wanted even if it was not the appropriate time.  He had what I call a belly laugh and I'm sure I have a little bit of it too!  So as Home Alone was on tv and my boys were watching all I could think about was my dad and his laugh.  What I wouldn't give to hear that laugh now!  

     This made me smile and recall wonderful memories and then made me super sad, not for myself but for my boys.  It hit me like a ton of bricks that he's not here to make these kinds of memories with my boys.  It hurts!  I still can't believe he's gone!  I keep thinking he'll come driving up in his jeep with the radio blaring.  I ask myself, how long will I think like this?  I've come to the conclusion that I'll probably always think like this.  I've never known of pain like this!  But this will not define me and I will not let the sadness win.  So I just laughed like my dad and hugged my boys a little tighter!  And then they wanted to watch Duck Dynasty, now I've held out on watching it as long as I could, and I gave in.  Let me just say that I laughed like my dad!  I laughed so much that the boys were like ok mom it's not that funny!  Then I had to laugh more.  So now I guess it's my turn to make these memories with my boys and make everyday like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday!  During the month I stayed with mom and dad, dad told me over and over how I had to keep going and doing for the boys no matter how hard it may be, so that's exactly what I will do.  Just when I get the wind knocked out of me and think I can't keep doing, I can feel my dad's presence saying, "bullshit kid, KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  I didn't raise you like that, now just take a deep breath and push forward!"

     Good days and bad days are all part of the great plan and it's up to us to decide how to spend them.  

Trinity

Everyday is Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday!

Papa & Trevin

Everyday is Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday!  My dad said this and lived this his whole life.  He really felt like every day you have is like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday.  He never made a big deal about the actual day because he lived everyday like is was special.  And when you really stop and think about it, every day is special!  We don't get to go back and redo any day, we just learn from today and make tomorrow better.  I took this picture on a day when I'm sure I thought I was busy but dad insisted that I go with them to shoot behind our house.  Oh man am I glad that he insisted!  We had so much fun and just look a little Trevin, sitting in Papa's lap driving in the pasture.  What could I be so busy doing that I could've missed this?  This is one lesson in life that will stick with me forever...live today!  I tend to think I'm too busy or I don't have things just perfect to do this or that, but I'm getting better (with age)!  Life is too short and you don't get to redo, so it's so important that everyday be like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday!  I mean EVERYDAY!

Today is Thanksgiving and I miss my dad terribly but I'm so thankful for many many things.  One of the many is the fact that my dad taught me from a very early age that life goes on, that you live and die and that it's all part of God's grand plan.  He also taught me very early that a parents role in parenting is to prepare the child to live without the parent.  As hard as that is, I'm thankful that he was hard ass enough and loved me enough to teach me the hard lessons of life!   Today came and went and I thought about my dad throughout the day and my boys talked about him lots but I didn't have that completely lost feeling that people keep asking me about.  It's hard to explain that every day with dad here was a day of Thanksgiving!  I've thought about it all day and I'm not sure why I don't have the lost feeling, I just keep thinking about how dad would have mom use the fancy dishes just for them.  Or how he would give me my birthday present 3 days before my birthday and always let me open a few Christmas presents days before Christmas, or how he'd fix a gourmet meal for just him and my mom in the middle of the day for no other reason than he loved to.  I guess that's why today has been hard but not the cry around all day kind of hard.  It's really been a day of remembering all the great and ornery things about my dad and thankful for the time my boys had with him.  Of course Trevin says he sees Papa and talks to him and I think he does!  That's a whole other post.

I do miss my dad and the past week has been a hard one but I've done things I never thought I could and I know that my dad is proud.  I'm slowing realizing that I'll never "get over" this and that my life will never be the same!  But if I've learned anything from my dad it's that life never stays the same.  No matter how mundane we think our lives are we only get one today, so it's very important to make the best of it.  If I can share anything I've learned from my dad, it's that you have the time to do with the ones you love.  No things don't have to be perfect before you stop and play with the kiddos and the dishes can wait if your child is in the mood to talk right now, the house doesn't have to be spotless to have true friends over and everyday is a great day to use the good dishes and cook gourmet meals.  Every day is what we remember!  Yes the big planned out events are great but when I stop and think about my childhood, it's the day to day that's full of fun, life lessons, and love.  What can I say, my parents rock and I'm one blessed girl!  

I don't know if the rest of the holiday season will feel the same but I do know that every day can feel like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthday if you have the right attitude.  I will choose the right attitude!  I miss my dad but can feel his presence and I'll probably let the boys open a Christmas present early!  You know I'LL KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Blog Title is Change...Hmmm...

     It's very fitting that the title of my blog is CHANGE!  I started this blog when I quit my job and closed my business thinking that was a big Change, little did I know!  When I stop and think about all the changes that have happened over the last year and a half, I don't even have the words to describe my feelings.  I've gone through things I never thought I could and I've made changes that I never thought I would.  I have learned a few constants in life...it always changes and never say never!

     This election day was a hard one and not just because my candidate didn't win but because my dad's not here to cuss and discuss with me!  We always talk politics and I loved it.  Dad taught me from an early age to pay attention to politics and what the government was doing.  I might be a little bit of a conspiracy theorist! Ok I am!  Not many people want to talk conspiracy theories, but my dad would always talk politics even with the liberal side.  In fact I think he enjoyed it.  So needless to say last night was hard, I missed him so much!  Really I just miss him all the way around.  I still wake up every morning and have to stop and think, did he really die?  Or did I just dream it?  I still pick up my phone and go to my favorites only to find Dad isn't there.  Trevin (my 4 year old) asks everyday if Papa is coming back from Heaven today!  Ryler wears Hawaiian shirts, just like my dad.  Garrin cooks just like my dad.  They all remind me of him or things they used to do together and talk about Papa everyday and I'm thankful for all of it!  However, some days I just can't take it and all I want to do is go to bed or have a drink at 9am, just anything to take my mind off of the fact that he's never coming back!  That's the truth that I'm having a hard time grasping...he's never coming back, never!

     One of the many changes is that we started homeschooling this year, something my dad always wanted me to do.  Well I've tried it and it's not for me or us as a family.  I love many aspects of it but when it comes down to it, I hate being the parent that makes them do the work.  I want to do the fun part of the education, the games and experiments and projects.  I don't like the math facts, spelling, the core stuff.  Ryler (4th grade) has asked to go back to school since the first week we started homeschool.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm the hardest teacher he's ever had!  Really, I just know what he's capable of and I won't accept anything less than!  That's something that both my parents taught me, always do your best!  Actually my dad's phrasing was something to the effect of, "either do or don't but don't half ass your way!"  I love this, it pretty much says a lot about life.  Either give it your all or don't bother because you're wasting everyone's time if you're going to "half ass it".  Not to mention that living on the farm has its distractions.  It's next to impossible to keep them inside, esp if it's nice outside.  Garrin (6th grade) is like a 40 year old farmer in a 12 year olds body.  He'd much rather be outside working on anything than inside.  I love that they both want to do the chores and take care of things outside but their education comes first.  College is a must.  Really I just want them to be well rounded productive citizens of society with a strong faith and relationship with God.  This journey has been extremely hard without my dad here to talk to!  He's been there to always help and encourage me in just the ways I needed and I can't put into words how much I miss that!  But I have realized that I have many people in my life that love and encourage me and I'm one blessed girl.

     Another change that really started me writing this blog is that I quit my job and closed my business.  My dad really encouraged me to do this and I'm so thankful for both my mom and dad's support with that decision.  It was difficult at best to decide to just up and quit, I'm not a quitter!  When I brought it up to Gary he was excited and I thought he'd be like no you've got to work.  He was just the opposite!  After digging in the Bible, I realize I was not being a Biblical wife.  (I have an entire post about this so I'll leave it at this for now!)  My mom and dad encouraged me to read and think for myself and figure out what my role is and then discuss it with Gary.  So after doing some soul searching I talked to Gary only to find him excited about the thought of me working less or not at all.  I've worked since I was 14 and always made my own money and never thought of not working, never.  Well, I can honestly say it's the best decision I've ever made and I don't ever want to go back to work like I did.  I missed so much with my first 2 boys and I'll never get that time back.  It's heartbreaking when I stop and think about it.  Gary likes to point out that I never even asked if he wanted me to work after we had kids or what his thoughts were on the subject.  I just did what I thought and went on.  Looking back I realize how I just did what I thought without thinking about Gary or my family.  I think that society tries to tell us what we should be and how but you can bet that I won't let society tell me.  I will put my family first!

     I will be a Biblical wife not matter how unpopular it is and do what's best for my family.  I will have a happy heart and spirit and be thankful that I have this option.  I will embrace being at home with my little guy while he's still little and being the one who shapes the boys into who they'll become.  I don't take this job lightly and I will give it my all.  After all this is one of the things that dad was telling me to do...get up every morning and cook breakfast for my boys and push them and shape them and I'll KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity