Parenting...

Parenting...

Here's my almost teenager driving and doing a great job!  I love watching my kids drive and learn to make decisions quickly.  You can learn a lot about their personality by the way they drive.  I'm learning if you just sit back and watch,  you can learn so much!

But the sit back and watch part is hard...super hard!  Why is this parenting gig so hard?  It's the most amazing thing in the world to bring life into but oh my so challenging and there's no one right way!  Each child is different and has different needs at different times and in the mean time you're just trying to grow up, make a living, find a career, and raise these little beings to be productive citizens of society that follow God.  It's no big deal...whatever it's HUGE!  It's the most important job ever...raising kiddos!

Today has been one of those days...you know feel like you're failing at raising these kiddos, finding my purpose (or think I need to find a purpose, when all I really need to do is take care of my family... that is my purpose!) and taking care of the day to day duties of having a house full of boys and a farm!  It's days like these that I miss my dad so very much!  What I wouldn't give to hear his comforting, reassuring voice during these trying days of parenting.  So I've been gathering my thoughts and getting a plan!  My dad always said better to be proactive than always reactive...so trying to get prepared!

I laid down with Trevin to read and he had the book "Love You Forever"...I didn't want to read tonight, it was late and had a ton on my mind, but decided reading was the best choice!  I begin reading and tears start flowing down my cheeks.  A flood of emotions came over me...I remember Garrin at this age and Ryler at that age and how did it go by so fast?  Did I do everything I wanted to do with them?  Teach them all that they need to know?  Did I give it my all?  How is it going by so fast?  The tears just kept coming and Trevin looked up at me and asked if I was alright and I just smiled and said yes through the tears.  Then we talked about how I check on them after they go to sleep and pray for them and kiss them...all 4 of them (boys!).  The look on his face just took my breath away!  He said, "Mom, you really come in after we go to sleep and pray for us and kiss us?"  I said, "Absolutely!"  And his face just shined!  Gave him hugs and went to get Gentry laid down.  The tears just keep coming...a range of emotions and life is ever changing and missing my dad!  I don't think you ever "get over it" (the death of someone you love) you just learn how to live in this life without them.  Everyday you just do the best you can.  But as I laid there reading to Trevin, I begin to realize that however we've done as parents on raising our children can't be judged by anyone other than God!  And how we protect them can only last so long before they have to take responsibility for their own actions and we as parents have to let them!  Hardest job ever...Parenting!

Happy & Sad

Happy & Sad



This boy turns 8!  It's gone by super fast and he's growing into his own.  He's taught me so much about life and being a momma almost to the point that I feel like I fail him every day!  But life is a journey and I'm learning as I go.  His spirit is like none other and his zest, at times makes me crazy, is amazing to watch!
 Happy Birthday to my sweet Trevin!

This picture makes my heart happy and a little sad at the same time.  My dad would've taken him to camp and fish and shoot and teach him things all little boys should know...but he died before he got to do this.  Thankfully his buddy as stepped in and takes the boys to do these things.  I think my dad must've asked him to do this but he will never say.  I'm just thankful that someone that knew my dad can pass on the stories and teachings that my dad taught him.  So it's a happy and sad picture and it seems as time goes on that I have a lot of these!

Trevin was 1 when my dad had a heart attack and the Papa that his older brothers know and remember went away at that time.  So Trevin doesn't remember that strong, fun, won't take any s&*!, full of life, always find the positive guy...and that makes me sad.  Dad was never the same after that and he didn't get to do all the things he wanted to with Trevin, so I think maybe sometimes I try to make up for that.  Disclaimer...I'm sure my boys will be in therapy when they're 30 because of all that I did or didn't do but they'll never question if I love them!  So for the next 3 years, we watched my dad try to get a new normal but it was nothing like he was before, all while he was trying to spend time with Trevin.  I'm sure he knew he wasn't getting better and he squeezed all he could in!  Then after Spring Break in 2012 (Gentry was 6 months old, Trevin was almost 4, Ryler was almost 10, and Garrin almost 13) I stayed with my parents.  My mother in law took Trevin and they bonded, she also took care of Garrin and Ryler while Gary was working.  I took Gentry with me, I was nursing him, and it was a great gift...babies make the world go round!  The big boys never saw Papa again...

I question if I handled it the right way but I handled it how my dad wanted!  He didn't want the boys to see him sick and dying...he wanted them to remember him strong and full of life!  So I honored what my dad wanted.  I have watched the boys struggle each in their own ways and wished that my dad was here to be the voice of reason.  So here I am almost 4 years later and the boys are doing great and full of life...missing my dad everyday...growing up a little more and still realizing what's really important in life!  And let me tell ya, it ain't stuff!  That's a whole other post.  So for now I'll keep on keepin on!