Never Say Never

Never say never...

I never would've thought that this would be my go to shoes!  Life is always changing and that's a good thing because if it stayed the same all the time it would be real boring.  So my life seems to be in a constant state of changing and just when I think I get the hang of the now, it changes!  If you would've asked me a year ago or even two if I ever thought I'd be helping on the farm (to the extent that I am now) I would've said no way, never!  So goes the saying, Never Say Never.

Back to these shoes...boots.  These are my everyday shoes these days and when I put them on I can't help but think about my dad.  These boots make me think about him in so many ways but the one that I must share is how much he encouraged me to quit my job and get out here on the farm, where the boys are!  When I say the boys, I mean my boys.  My boys that I've given birth to, changed their diapers, nursed them, cleaned them, and disciplined them...my boys...4 healthy boys!

I remember thinking how could my dad encourage me to do something so much out of the ordinary and against the grain.  Well if you had the pleasure of knowing my dad, he was no where near ordinary and almost always chose to go against the grain!  I love that about him.  And he'd go against the grain with passion that demanded you to take note!  So I knew I needed to listen when he was telling me to quit my job.  In a time when most women have careers and work outside the home and the fact that I never ever thought about not having a regular j-o-b...here was my dad pushing me almost insisting that I change direction.  So I listened with much frustration, but I listened!  Did I mention that I'm just a tad hard headed?! Ha ha!

So here I am...helping on the farm along side my hubby and 4 boys...loving this life!  A life I never thought I'd live, doing things I never thought I'd do...some days are killer and I scream and cry and think why in the world did my dad encourage me to do this?  Other days I feel like I've conquered the world, especially when I do or understand something new for the first time.  But most days I have joy and peace in my heart that I've never known before!  Then I stop and think, "Dad was right again!"

I've worked outside the home and now at home and I'm thankful for both experiences.  I love how life changes most of the time and I'm just trying to enjoy today.  Thinking that KEEP ON KEEPIN' is just a pretty great life!

Coming Out of the Fog...

Coming Out of the Fog...

Just when I think I've got things under control and that I've come out of the fog, the wind gets knocked out of me with such fierce force that it physically takes my breath away!  I know that this is how grief works only because I have friends that have tried to tell me and it's in every grief book/article I've come across.  Well just because you know something doesn't mean your heart knows and understands it.  It's interesting how the mind and heart work, isn't it?  (That's something that I would talk about with my dad...random thoughts and questions.)  

To say that I miss him is a huge understatement!

For quite some time I've been going about my business, day in and day out, thinking of my dad.  I'd think I wish he was here to see this or that.  I'd think about how happy he'd be seeing the boys growing into the young men they are.  I'd think about how I wish I could talk to him and see him.  I'd think about how much we would have to talk about with politics and all the things going on in the world today.  I'd think of him, miss him, and be thankful of all the time I had with him.  But...the other day was different!

I was out feeding cattle (something that's new for me in the last few years!) and all of a sudden my body ached.  My stomach hurt with such pain that I thought I was getting sick.  My toenails hurt with dull pain.  My hands cramped.  Tears began rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't grasp what was wrong.  Then I just began sobbing, crying, sobbing, and then the wailing came.  It sounds so crazy!  It just hit me like a ton of bricks fell on me that my dad is dead!  He's really dead.  He's not coming back.  I know I haven't seen him in almost 3 years...I watched him die.  My mind knows that but my heart can't grasp it.  So I just stopped the pickup and had myself a good snot flowing, screaming cry.  I sat in a wide open field among cows and new baby calves just screaming and crying and blowing my nose in the most unladylike way.  It was not a pretty sight!

I learned a few things that day.  After all my dad always said that, "Every day is training day."  Somedays I feel like I'm in boot camp with intense training and others I feel like I'm in a classroom learning just a little everyday.  This day felt like it was boot camp training on steroids!   

I realized that I will always always always miss my dad...that somedays will be harder than others...that I must learn and move forward...that life is way too short...that pain is part of life...that joy comes in places and ways we never thought possible...that it's important to learn something new everyday...that somedays are boot camp (I use this analogy as if I have real life experience.  I've never been to boot camp, except the workout kind.  I'm just going off what I've seen in movies and what I think it would be like!)...that it's so very important to keep living, loving, and KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON! 

My dad used to talk about how there's a time for everything in life and seasons of life.  I often think about the verse Ecclesiastes 3:1-8...it says it all about life.  This season of my life is different than I ever thought...I'm doing things I never thought I'd do and loving it!  I'm enjoying my boys and all the craziness that it brings.  I think I'm finally coming out of the fog (You know the fog of grief...of being alive and doing all that has to be done but not really living or enjoying life...I'm finally coming out of the fog!)  On one hand I'm sad that it's taken me so long and on the other I'm thankful for all that I've learned and continue to learn.  I know that somedays are foggy and there's not a thing I can do about that.  But the days that aren't, I'm going to make the best of and live life!

Trinity