Strength!

     Last year this week my life as well as my entire family's life was changing.  If you really stop and think about it though, aren't our lives always changing?  I mean nothing really stays the same forever, nothing!  Time keeps going no matter how much we try to slow it down or stop it just for a little while. So why do we think things will never change?  I can remember thinking my babies would sleep with us forever, I'll always be friends with so and so, I'll always have my family and our health but we all know that's not true.  So I wonder why it's so hard to change or accept change?  I'm sure everyone deals with change in their own way and I'm learning to handle change in my own way.

     It was the Monday after Spring Break and I had just dropped off the older boys for school.  I usually call my dad after I drop them off but that particular day I decided to go see mom & dad.  They live about 20 minutes away and Trevin & Gentry were still in their pj's but I just had this notion to drive and actually see my parents.  On our way Trevin asks where are we going and I tell him to see O'ma and Papa.  He said, "Good deal because that devil has been kicking Papa all night, all night momma!"  I said, "Oh really!"  I was shocked to hear him say that and knew in the pit of my stomach that he was right.  So on our way we prayed for Papa and enjoyed our drive.  I called about 5 minutes outside of town to let them know we were almost there!  I could hear relief in my mom's voice but didn't understand why.

     We walk in and my dad is sitting leaned up against the couch on the magnet mattress on the floor and I just wanted to cry.  I didn't just want to cry, I wanted to scream and cry, I wanted my dad to give me a hug and tell me everything's going to be alright but I knew this was not a time for things to be about me and my feelings.  Trevin went with my mom to the kitchen and I sat down on the magnet bed on the floor next to my dad and we began to talk.  He was asking all about the boys as usual and I finally changed the subject to him.  I asked him how he was doing and he was like, "Oh good, just had a rough night!"  I looked him in the eyes and said, "Dad, your eyes are yellow!"  And what he said next shows more strength than I will ever know.  He said, "Yes, I know kid!  This is IT!"  I wanted to freeze, run away, change what was really happening but I didn't.  I said, "Ok, dad what do you want me to do?"  I was totally not prepared to hear what he said next.  He said, "Be here when you can but other than that just keep on living kid, just keep on living!"  I said, "Ok, really what do you want me to do?"  He said again, "Keep on living!"  I asked him if he wanted to see the boys and I already knew his answer, NO!  He'd said all along that he didn't want the boys to see him "go down for the count".  So of course out of respect for my dad, the boys never saw him again.  Thankfully my mother in law stepped in and took care of Trevin, Ryler, and Garrin and Gary for about six weeks without hesitation.  I don't know what I would've done without her!  So the last time they saw him was when he came out to see them over Spring Break and then they went home and stayed with him and O'ma for 3 days.  In some regard I feel like that was the best and in others I don't but that's the way it was!

     I think about the strength it took for my dad to know that it was coming to an end and still have a smile on his face and be encouraging to others.  I mean, WOW!  I don't know if I'd be able to handle it like that.  He showed more strength as time went on and when I think back on different things in my life, I realize he showed strength more times than not.  But for as much strength as my dad showed my mom showed more!  She's an amazing woman in so many ways that I'll never know.  I knew dad was never the same after his heart surgery but I never knew just how much things were different for my mom.  Dad never slept through the night after he came home from the hospital and had terrible pain, and my mom slept on the couch next to him and was up and down during the nights with him.  She could've sunk into a deep depression but she didn't!  She kept on going, no matter how hard it was or how she was feeling.  She became caretaker for dad and taking care of everything else as well.  She didn't leave him for more than a couple of hours and never complained!  I never even really knew just what all she was going through but now I realize she had strength just like my dad!  I really don't know how she did it!  Like I said, she's an amazing woman!  I love that I'm like her in more ways as time goes on.

     I was blessed with two AMAZING parents!  I have felt unconditional love, seen physical, emotional, and spiritual strength, and watched two people love each other with passion that movies only try to portray.  To say I've been blessed is an understatement!  I've had the best of the best and I will teach my boys all about these two amazing people and all that they've done for me.  So with that being said, I WILL KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON because that's what I've witnessed!

Trinity

Speaking the truth...hearing the truth

Trevin, Papa Clovis, & Gentry

How do you comfort and encourage your child when they're hurting?  This is something that I never want to deal with but life's not always about what we want!  I'm learning that with one of the toughest life lessons I've had thus far.  Let me just say that it's hard no matter how you look at it and that you just have to grin and bear it because life goes on!  

A few weeks ago, it's taken me this long to be able to write about it, Ryler (2nd born, 9 years old) woke up and couldn't stop crying.  He was really trying to get himself ready for the day but just kept crying.  I had a feeling, you know the one that's deep in the pit of your stomach, that he was having a hard time and it was about his Papa. I just wanted to skip over how he was feeling and take away all his pain and sadness but as I prepared to hold and hug this growing boy I realized that he needed the truth no matter how hard it was to hear or speak.  Sometimes it's hard to speak the truth and hard to hear it but I knew it was one of those things that had to be done.  So I just said a little prayer and dug in.

     I asked Ryler what was wrong and he immediately began talking about Papa.  He said, "Papa said he was working on getting better but he never did!  Why, momma, why?  I don't understand how Papa was here and then he was gone, just like that!  Why?"  He sobbed and I just held him as the tears flowed down his cheeks.  Garrin took charge with Trevin & Gentry so that I could focus on Ryler.  All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and wake up tomorrow hoping it'd be better and that all this would be over.  I seriously thought about it for a few seconds before I felt my dad saying "Suck it up buttercup and deal with this like I've taught you to do!"  So I held back my tears (after all isn't that what mothers do for their babies...put them first and deal with our own feelings later!) and prepared to do some serious talking.  I asked Ryler, "Do you want to see pictures of Papa during his last days?  They aren't pretty and it doesn't look like the Papa you know."  So I got out my phone and began showing him pictures of his Papa and he wept.  I showed him the pictures of Papa and he could see just how sick and weak he was.  I began explaining the cycle of life, just as my dad had explained it to me throughout my life.  We are born, we live, then we die; this is all part of God's plan.  I explained how the things that last forever are what you can pass on...not material items...but a legacy!  I told him to think about all the things that Papa had taught him and that it's his job to teach Trevin & Gentry all those things and that by doing that Papa will live on forever!  What an awesome thing!  Finally a little spark in those dark eyes and Ryler began to understand he's got an important job to do!  I also described how Papa was giving me instructions during those last weeks.

     After we knew it was the ending, Papa didn't want any visitors and most definitely no crying around from us or anyone!  Just about everyday my dad would give me instructions and it always started out with this, "Trin, everyday you're going to have to get up and give the boys 110%, EVERYDAY!  Everyday, Trin, you're going to have to stay strong and give it your all, EVERYDAY!"  You get the idea and then he'd go on to explain all the things I needed to do and that I was strong enough to do it.  I explained to Ryler that I listened to my dad and didn't shed a tear!  Not a tear!  How could I?  He was dying and knew it and was still finding happiness and taking care of his family so I was strong and said, "ok dad, I will, Ok dad!"  I can't tell this story now without crying but at the time I didn't shed a tear.  He showed so much strength; physical, mental, emotional that I had to do just how he wanted.  So I told all of this to Ryler while my tears flowed and that we have to KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!  That's what Papa taught us to do and that's exactly what we will do! 

Trinity