It's been four months...really four months. Four long months of learning a new life without my dad. It's only been four months, seems like he's been gone for so long. I miss him terribly. I miss him everyday! I MISS HIM!!! I keep telling myself that nothing stays the same forever and that this will be a year of firsts but it sucks! Its hurts! It's unbelievable pain like I've never felt before and I've had four babies all natural! Just when I think I'm doing pretty good, something out of nowhere hits me over the head like a ton of bricks and I'm left like a deer standing in the road facing the headlights. It feels like the headlights are about to get me and take me out of my misery but they are moving at a turtle's pace and before they (the headlights) hit me, I move. I regain the wind that's been knocked out of me but my recovery time is so very slow! It feels as if it takes so long to recover that the next blow comes before I've fully taken a breath. I've never known this kind of pain! Sometimes I cry and sometimes it feels like I'm going to cry and then other times it feels as if I've been crying for days. I'm tired, so very tired. Then I'm reminded of my dad telling me how I'm the one that's got it hard now. He told me so many times during the last three years and the last month he was here how I've got to get up everyday and put my best foot forward. He explained to me that I've got to give 110% everyday, even when you don't feel like it, to my husband and my boys and the now because that's all we really have, the now.
So in the now I still wake up every morning and think to myself is he really gone? Then my mind goes a million different directions. I think about all the fun times I had with my dad. I think about how he helped me and taught me. I think about how much he loved my mom and how he was in love with her. I think about his life and his struggles that most never knew about. I think about his infectious smile and zest for life. I think about how he taught me to drive. I think about how he taught me to shoot and carry a knife. I think about him driving up with the music or talk radio blaring from his jeep, you could hear it inside the house! I think about him taking my boys with him anytime they wanted. I think about his patience. I think about him doing "cartwheels" (spin outs and doughnuts in his jeep, or whatever he was driving) with the boys, I think about how he let me and my cousin order pizza for a solid week when my mom was out of town. I think about how much he had to wait on me, to do my hair, to finish with ballet or cheerleading practice, to just get my stuff together. I think about how much he did for me and my boys and how easy he made my life. I think about what all he gave up to take such great care of me and my boys. I think about getting stuck in the snow with him. I think about how he drove all over the state on holidays to get us to everywhere we thought we needed to be when really all he wanted to do was stay at home. All these thoughts and many, many more play on a big movie screen with the fast forward button held down. Then when I get that stopped I realize that's it! There won't be any more memories with my dad here!!! There won't be anymore good times with him, conversations with him, hugs from him, reassurance from him. There won't be anymore time with him!!! I ask myself, REALLY??? I'm really not going to have anymore memories with him here. This is where I get real weak. I mean I get weak all over and my stomach starts to turn and at times I think I'm going to literally throw up. I think it'd help if I actually did. My whole body is tired and I just woke up to start my day with my house full of boys. I've got to get my game face on and be ready for whatever may come. This is the hardest part of my day. I know nothing stays the same forever and I know this process will end sometime but for now this sucks! It feels great to think of all the wonderful memories but then it's the absolute worst feeling in the world to know that there won't be anymore of those memories to make! IT'S NOT FAIR! I know it's not fair and as I type this I can't help but laugh just a little because I'm thinking of my dad. He ALWAYS told me that life's not fair but that doesn't keep you from doing. So I already know that but still it's just not fair. I miss him! I miss him! I miss him!
So I will get up in the morning and give my best to the now, because that's all we have.
Trinity
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