Boys Night

Ryler dressed like Michael Westin from the show Burn Notice.


The show Burn Notice has been on for at least 5 years.  Prior to my dad's heartattack in July of 2009, Garrin & Ryler would have "boys night" with my dad.  Burn Notice came on Thursdays but we dvr'd it and they'd watch it on Fridays.  I wasn't allowed to be home on boys night and if I happen to be home then I had to stay in my room and out of their way.  At the time I didn't realize what an awesome memory they were making!  So needless to say we have all the Burn Notice seasons on dvd and dvr the new seasons until they come out on dvd.  It's crazy how little things are really what the kiddos remember, not the big things in life.  My boys loved "boys night" and very much looked forward to it.

"Boys night" consisted of my dad picking the boys up from school or the sitter on Friday afternoons..  Then they'd go to the grocery store for their goods.  My dad always took them everywhere he went.  He told me on more than one occasion that yes taking them in the store or wherever he was going took twice as long with them but was so worth it because they'd outgrow him in no time.  I didn't really understand what he meant that they'd outgrow him, they loved him and always wanted to go with Papa.  However, now that the big boys are nearing the teen years, I'm beginning to see that they grow up and move on.  It's awesome in one regard, because that's what you spend all this time teaching them to spread their wings and prepare for flight.  However, on the other hand it's heart breaking to let them go.  I just keep listening to my dad and how he told me that I'd do my children an injustice if I didn't prepare them for flight.  So as hard as it is I'll prepare them for flight and let them go knowing that's what my dad has taught me to do.  Now back to "boys night" they'd get root beer and snacks.  On their drive home sometimes Papa would let them drive, or they'd roll down the windows and hang their heads out as Papa would drive slow with the music blaring, or my favorite is when he'd do what my boys called cartwheels (j turns and doughnuts on our gravel road).  That's just the beginning of the fun filled "boys night"!  After they got to our house, Papa would start cooking.  Let me just say that my dad's cooking was the absolute most amazing!  I never saw him use a recipe, just a dash of this or a lot of that.  He always had some kind of meat to grill and then he'd make the boys favorite, garlic mashed potatoes.  Dad never used any pre made anything, he always wanted things fresh.  The boys would start in with their root beer and my dad would have a big boy root beer and they'd act like a few old men having a good drink, eating some great food, and really enjoying each other's company without a care in the world or any other place they'd rather be.  After dinner and a lot of playing and wrestling around, they'd get out the air mattress.  Let me just say that after "boys night" I had quite a mess to clean up.  What I wouldn't give to have that mess to clean up now! Anyway, after they got settled down from all the wrestling around they'd watch Burn Notice.  My living room was full of fun, love, and awesome memories.  I usually got home from work about this time and the boys always wanted me to go to my room.  I'd talk to dad for a little bit and then I'd go on and let them have their time.  My dad would stay the night sleeping on the air mattress with the boys crowding him.  They'd be up late just talking and watching tv.  This memory just makes me smile from ear to ear and thankful for such an awesome Papa, and makes my heart break into a million pieces at the same time because my younger boys won't get to experience this and the older boys don't have their "go to" person.  You know that person that's always there for you no matter what, that's what we call your "go to" person.  But I've got to focus on all the positive memories and work on making new memories, and that's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  So after a night of wrestling, eating, and fun they'd finally give it up and go to sleep.  The next morning my dad would get up and cook them (ok us) breakfast.  The boys didn't seem to mind if I was around on Saturday morning.  During breakfast, they'd talk in their own guy talk with some inside jokes.  This happened every week, if Burn Notice was on or not, until Papa went to the hospital with his heart attack.  After he had heart surgery, he never spent the night again with the boys.  They had boys night, that my dad would push through (no matter how much pain he was in), but he'd go home after Burn Notice or whatever movie they were watching.  I remember seeing the sadness in the boys at that time but I was blind to the fact that it'd never be the same again.

Things were never the same.  I know change is a good thing but wow sometimes it's brutal!  My sweet Ryler knew from the beginning that it'd never be the same again.  He cried so much after my dad's heart attack but I was in denial and kept thinking that my dad would get better and overcome this.  I just couldn't let myself think that this was how it was going to go!  To this day my boys love to watch Burn Notice!  Ryler likes to dress up like the main character, Michael Westin.  They still talk about "boys night" and all the fun they used to have with Papa.  I just keep telling my older boys that they'll have to teach the younger boys all about Papa.  My dad will live on!  It's funny the things that will bring back so many memories.  I'll count my blessings that my dad was so giving of himself and his time to me and my family.  Now it's my job to do the same!

Trinity

Friends...

The bracelet has my dad's initials on it and the necklace matches it...my dad never went anywhere without his gun so this fits perfectly!


A very sweet dear friend got these for me.  She gave me the bracelet for my birthday in July and just today gave me the necklace.  Timing is everything and she's been a rock.  The kind of rock that is there just when you need.  I love our friendship because it's the kind that we can not see or talk to each other for days or even weeks and then just pick right back up where we left off!  That's a rare thing and I'm very appreciative of it.  So the bracelet has a gun on it and my dad's initials, so very fitting because my dad NEVER went anywhere without his gun or maybe two!  It was an awesome birthday present because 3 years ago on my birthday is when my dad went to the hospital.  So my birthday is a little hard and this year especially.  So I'm thankful she thought of me during that time.  Now I'm not sure why she got me the necklace, except that it matches the bracelet, or why she gave it to me today.  Today is not that different than other days but it's a hard one!  Well it is a little different, my mom is visiting family in California, and for the first time I feel completely alone!  By alone I mean all grown up and on my own and I don't like it!  I don't like it one bit!  Growing up is hard to do and I don't want to do it now!  Now I'm not really alone, remember I have 4 boys and a husband, but for some reason it feels as if I am.  Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by males and their sensitivity is lacking at best sometimes.  Also my older two boys are going with my in-laws on a little road trip tomorrow and I'm going to miss them terribly!  It's crazy, I know.  But they seem to be growing up entirely too fast and I can't stop time!  So I will embrace every moment I have with my kiddos!  Therefore, instead of being upset that my big boys are gone, I'm going to focus on the little guys and we are going to have a great time.  It reminds me of when my big boys were little and how much fun I had with them.  I still can't believe how fast time goes by and I really want a pause button!  Oh well, I'll just have to enjoy each day that comes and what it brings because that's all we really have.

Back to friendship, I'm so thankful for all the friends I have that have helped me over these last few months!  I'm especially thankful for my dad's buddy, Alan!

Alan feeding Gentry something like cool whip or ice-cream!

I'm not really sure how long my dad and Alan have been friends but I've known Alan since I was in high school.  And yes I've almost been out of high school 20 years! yikes!  He's done anything and everything that I've needed help with since I went to stay with mom and dad in April.  I know that this type of friendship doesn't come along everyday and I'm thankful for him!  He's taken the boys to shoot almost every week since my dad died and has checked on them and helped keep them and taken them where ever they needed to go and even helped do some farm chores.  What a guy!  He really understood my dad and I'm glad he's a part of our family!  I know that good friends only come along ever so often and I've been blessed with many over the years.

The thing I think is most important about friendships is that you can be who you are without having to put up a front.  Because why have friends that you can't really be yourself around???  Life is way too short for that kind of nonsense!  I want friends in my life that I can be who I am, craziness included, and I've got that and I'm so thankful and feel incredibly blessed.  I think this has hit me hard lately because I realize that my dad was not only my dad but my best friend, next to Gary!  He's been my best friend probably my whole life.  Now I'm realizing how important friendships are.  I also realize how broken hearted my mom is, she's not only lost her husband (if I haven't told you already how very much in love they are) but also her best friend.  That's so much to take all at once but she's showing me how to live and keep going, afterall that's exactly what dad told us to do!  She's an amazing woman and I'm so thankful to call her my mom and my friend.  There's always a positive in every situation and I'm finding them everyday!  Just KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON!

Trinity

Things Aren't Always As They Appear!

Mart & Garrin

     Things aren't always as they appear.  My dad would always tell me this saying and it really has many meanings.  I'm reminded of this saying almost daily!  I think that we as women should think of this often.  Things aren't always as they appear!  We (women) usually judge others in many ways and think things are a certain way, when in all actuality they aren't as they appear!  Sometimes I think how great it would be if we put down all our barriers and just showed who we really are, instead of what we think society thinks we should be!  I try to live my life, not what society thinks my life should look like!  It's not easy and especially now that my dad is not here physically to encourage me to be who I am, but I'm learning and I will KEEP ON KEEPING ON!  What I would give to hear my dad tell me that...his voice was so strong and comforting and his presence was full of calmness and strength with a little bit of softness.
      I think of my dad and how he was perceived by people when I think of the saying...things aren't always as they appear.  From the outside looking in, my dad was so very rough around the edges.  Most would probably guess his education was high school, that he couldn't quote scripture out of the Bible or philosophize it or many other ideas about life, that he didn't own a suit,  that he didn't take any shit, that he'd fight for all he thought was right, that he didn't know how to design flowers or coordinate a wedding, that he didn't know the proper etiquette about wine tasting or how to set a proper table setting, that he didn't know much about politics, that he served this great country overseas that showed him disrespect when he returned home, that he could sew, iron clothes, cook an amazing gourmet meal, and shop with the best of them.  That he'd take his daughter dress shopping, that he could teach others to shoot a firearm, that he volunteered his time, that he could care for babies and change dirty diapers, that he'd read to his grandchildren or watch the movie Spirit til he could recite the entire movie.  These are just a few things about my dad that people probably thought of him when first meeting him.  Hence, things aren't always as they appear.  So I'll go over my list from above...he had more than a high school education, he knew his Bible and could quote scripture and philosophize it as well as many other ideas (The Art of War), he did own a suit (not that he cared to wear it!), he absolutely didn't take any shit! He never worked a Christmas (that's a whole blog in itself). He did fight for what he thought was right to the very end, he knew how to design amazing flower arrangements and coordinate weddings (he didn't necessarily care to do weddings!), he knew proper wine tasting and table setting, he knew politics and would discuss with anyone that would listen or debate it with him, he did serve his country overseas and was shown disrespect when he returned home, he could sew, iron, and he did most of the cooking and shopping.  He did take me shopping, even for dresses.  He taught many to shoot a firearm, volunteered his time with the sheriff's department, was the best babysitter ever and changed many many diapers, he read numerous books over and over to my children and watched whatever movie they wanted however many times they wanted.  So he absolutely fit the saying, things aren't always as they appear!
     During our visits, dad wanted to make sure that my mom left her legacy with my boys.  He explained that she had many things to teach them.  One of them being manners and etiquette.  So that's why I picked this picture for this blog.  Garrin, my oldest, is 12 and going to Cotillion with his friend Mart.  When I mention this to most people they look at me somewhat perplexed.  I've had a few comment like why is he doing that, he's a farm boy or really what's he ever going to need that for.  So I guess since we live on a farm in western Oklahoma that we don't need manners!  Really!  This has made me realize that my dad's saying THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR is so very true.  So my mom took him shopping and we had a great time.  She's leaving her legacy with the boys just as my dad did only in different ways.  How awesome is that!?!  So come to find out, my dad had manners classes before the navy and while he was in the navy.  And let me just say that if he wanted to, my dad could charm the pants right off you, only if he wanted to!  Otherwise, I think he liked appearing to be rough around the edges.
     Just as my dad wished, we are teaching the boys to be well rounded, independent thinkers.  Now I realize that the independent thinkers part could come back to haunt me later when they grow up and don't think anything like I do!  But that's a risk I'm willing to take.  Because after all THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!

Trinity

Four months and "the now"

     It's been four months...really four months.  Four long months of learning a new life without my dad.  It's only been four months, seems like he's been gone for so long.  I miss him terribly.  I miss him everyday!  I MISS HIM!!!  I keep telling myself that nothing stays the same forever and that this will be a year of firsts but it sucks!  Its hurts!  It's unbelievable pain like I've never felt before and I've had four babies all natural!  Just when I think I'm doing pretty good, something out of nowhere hits me over the head like a ton of bricks and I'm left like a deer standing in the road facing the headlights.  It feels like the headlights are about to get me and take me out of my misery but they are moving at a turtle's pace and before they (the headlights) hit me, I move.  I regain the wind that's been knocked out of me but my recovery time is so very slow!  It feels as if it takes so long to recover that the next blow comes before I've fully taken a breath.  I've never known this kind of pain!  Sometimes I cry and sometimes it feels like I'm going to cry and then other times it feels as if I've been crying for days.  I'm tired, so very tired. Then I'm reminded of my dad telling me how I'm the one that's got it hard now.  He told me so many times during the last three years and the last month he was here how I've got to get up everyday and put my best foot forward.  He explained to me that I've got to give 110% everyday, even when you don't feel like it, to my husband and my boys and the now because that's all we really have, the now.

       So in the now I still wake up every morning and think to myself is he really gone?  Then my mind goes a million different directions.  I think about all the fun times I had with my dad.  I think about how he helped me and taught me.  I think about how much he loved my mom and how he was in love with her.  I think about his life and his struggles that most never knew about.  I think about his infectious smile and zest for life.  I think about how he taught me to drive.  I think about how he taught me to shoot and carry a knife.  I think about him driving up with the music or talk radio blaring from his jeep, you could hear it inside the house!  I think about him taking my boys with him anytime they wanted.  I think about his patience.  I think about him doing "cartwheels" (spin outs and doughnuts in his jeep, or whatever he was driving) with the boys,  I think about how he let me and my cousin order pizza for a solid week when my mom was out of town.  I think about how much he had to wait on me, to do my hair, to finish with ballet or cheerleading practice, to just get my stuff together.  I think about how much he did for me and my boys and how easy he made my life.  I think about what all he gave up to take such great care of me and my boys.  I think about getting stuck in the snow with him.  I think about how he drove all over the state on holidays to get us to everywhere we thought we needed to be when really all he wanted to do was stay at home.  All these thoughts and many, many more play on a big movie screen with the fast forward button held down.  Then when I get that stopped I realize that's it!  There won't be any more memories with my dad here!!!  There won't be anymore good times with him, conversations with him, hugs from him, reassurance from him.  There won't be anymore time with him!!!  I ask myself, REALLY???  I'm really not going to have anymore memories with him here.  This is where I get real weak.  I mean I get weak all over and my stomach starts to turn and at times I think I'm going to literally throw up.  I think it'd help if I actually did.  My whole body is tired and I just woke up to start my day with my house full of boys.  I've got to get my game face on and be ready for whatever may come.  This is the hardest part of my day.  I know nothing stays the same forever and I know this process will end sometime but for now this sucks!  It feels great to think of all the wonderful memories but then it's the absolute worst feeling in the world to know that there won't be anymore of those memories to make!  IT'S NOT FAIR!  I know it's not fair and as I type this I can't help but laugh just a little because I'm thinking of my dad.  He ALWAYS told me that life's not fair but that doesn't keep you from doing.  So I already know that but still it's just not fair.  I miss him!  I miss him!  I miss him!

     So I will get up in the morning and give my best to the now, because that's all we have.

Trinity

My Rock...

Gary...my rock!

Today is my hubby's birthday...he's not much into having a big celebration, unlike myself!  He's the most amazing guy I know, next to my dad.  We've been married for 16 years and together for 19 years, yes we are high school sweethearts and still together after all these years.  It's gone by fast in one sense and seems like yesterday when we were in high school.  Time really does go by way too fast.  Sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in the day to day life that we forget about those closest to us or what really, I mean REALLY, matters in this life!  It's funny, what I thought really mattered in life a few months ago couldn't hold a candle in the wind to what matters to me now.

Gary has been amazing these last few months and over these last three years.  When my dad had his heart attack and we were in Oklahoma City at the heart hospital, Gary never left my side!!!  That seems so normal to many people but it speaks unbelievable love to me. Let me just say that my hubby works, and I mean he works hard and all the time.  He rarely takes a day off and is always doing whatever needs to be done.  He works a full time job and operates a full time farm and takes on all my crazy projects and is an awesome daddy to our 4 boys!  So for him to drop everything for me during my dad's hospital stay totally speaks nothing but true love.  I don't remember him worrying about the farm or his job while he was with me, he was just there with me.  At the time I don't remember thinking much about his actions, I was very wrapped up with my dad and my mom at that time, but I think back now and truly realize just how much he loves me and my family.  Let me just say right now that I pray that my boys will be just like their daddy!  So for 10 days, while dad was in the hospital, Gary tended to my every need and still managed to make sure his other responsibilites were covered.  So when it came down to "the nitty gritty" (according to my dad) Gary was my rock!  He's been my rock since I was 16, I just didn't realize it all these years!  What a patient man he is.

I love this picture of Gary for many reasons, it shows so much about him.  I took this picture a few weeks ago when I took him and the big boys a mid afternoon drink.  It was hot and they were putting in fence.  Gary is not afraid to work hard and go after whatever it is he wants in life.  Things appear easy for him but most don't see what he gives of himself to make things happen.  He goes on very little sleep and gets up without complaint.  He'll just dive into a yucky project and get it done in no time.  He's constantly planning and preparing.  Whoever said, "farming is easy hasn't tried it."  Just in the past year and a half, since I quit my job, I'm beginning to understand just a tiny bit of all that he does.  Just a tiny bit, some of it I can't really wrap my mind around.  Do you sell wheat at harvest, wait?  Check the price of wheat and cattle on the markets, hedge?  Look at the weather, trying to decide if it's going to rain, hail, snow, ice, too cold too soon or too late!  Put fertilizer down now or wait because it's not the right temperature or chance of rain or no chance of rain?  Put cattle on this field because the pasture is ready or not because you put down a chemical that can harm the animal or the crop...oh my it's so very confusing and did I mention all the math!?  This is just a little glimpse into the farming side of him and all he thinks about.  So now that I've been helping with the farming operation and trying to understand this life, I realize just how much he loves me and takes such good care of me.  I truly am a spoiled girl and feel very blessed to call him my husband.

 I think my dad saw that (how he'd spoil me and take good care of me) from early on in our relationship.  Isn't that what every dad that has a daughter thinks about when she brings home a guy?  So I got to this point in my life by listening to my dad and now listening to my hubby.  My dad encouraged my to quit my job and take an interest in the farm.  He said if I want to spend any time with Gary or my boys that I'd better learn to like and love the farm.  I'm learning and loving it, more than I ever thought and guess what?  My life is way better than I ever thought it could be!  I'm so blessed and very spoiled...so glad that I listened to my dad and I think I'll start listening to my hubby just a little more!  So back to today being his birthday, what do you get a man that's given you everything?  I'm still at a loss, until I win the lottery.  Then I'd buy him tractors, trucks, implements, and all things farm!  Of course I better start playing if I stand a chance at winning!

Trinity